Confused, looking for feedback

[Surt]

First off I would like to completely apologize for the unbelievably moronic remarks I made in my first few posts, it was mostly due to someone’s idiotic advice (“If you ask for a fight, you always win”) I was being a total ass and hope everyone has forgotten about it. I'm really really sorry.

Ok after 5 or so months of writing I like to think that I improved. Now I knew my biggest problem was the grammar, and I read my first couple of stories after improving ‘the grammar’ and could tell where I went wrong. So my grammar went from crappy, to ok, to now decent. I hope it becomes good one day, I’ll never be Mr. Grammar and I know that, but then I got some feedback.

It said that my writing was “unreadable”, un-freaking-readable! I got some negative feedback before from people saying I suck, I’m sure a lot of you have been told to “Not give up your day job,” but unreadable? I’m confused; I really really really would like someone impartial to tell me how bad/decent my grammar really is, it’s driving me nuts cause I rarely if ever get constructive feedback.

Oh this is the story labeled unreadable.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=416922

 

[EldridgeinOO]

Hi,

I think "unreadable" is a bit harsh, but there's some definite problems with your story. I'll just go over the first few paragraphs, since I honestly don't have the time to edit all of it (I'm stuck writing myself!)


Kevin Karlson couldn't focus in class, his mind was going haywire. The reason ((reasonS, plural)) were all the same you usually find; bored, unmotivated and above all else, distracted. ((the sentences run a bit strangely. It would read better if you turned it into something like "Kevin Carlson's mind was going haywire, and he was unable to focus in class for all the usual reasons: boredom; lack of motivation, and, most of all, distraction."))

-- Paragraph

((Start with : "The source of his distraction," that ties the two paragraphs together better)) His teacher was what is commonly referred to as a 'Plain Jane.' She had medium length brown hair, brown eyes. She stood at around 5'6 with heels on, had a medium build and normal white skin. She was also 29 and unmarried. ((Put the plain Jane at the back. Give your summary of what she looks like first, then say "a typical Plain Jane." Also, nobody is going to really care that she's married or not unless you're posting in Loving Wives. If you really need to bring that up, do it a bit later, at a point where it's a bit more logical for Kevin to think about it.))


Kevin was 5'8, had nicely tan skin thanks to his Greek heritage and had spiky black hair. ((Nothing wrong with this, but it needs to be a separate paragraph. Also, it breaks up your explanation of the teacher, whereas your next paragraph segues back into the teacher. So that looks strange. Better to skip Kevin's description until some point later in the story. You don't HAVE to measure your characters in the first few sentences. Let the reader wonder a little. ))

Kevin knew differently, he knew under those unflattering trousers and blouse was a hot ass and a nice pair of tits. ((Okay. How does he know that? Has he seen them?))

Kevin thought about how great it would be to – in his own words - deflower her. Though he was sure she was no virgin, ((Okay, this is, to be honest, a bit of a mess. If he's sure she's no virgin, how can he deflower her? She either is or she isn't.))
he wanted her to experience the kind of depravity he has. ((Tense shift. That should be "He wanted her to experience the kind of depravite he had experienced. If you write in past tense, keep everything in past tense. NOTHING jars a reader more than a tense shift...))


Today he had formulated a plan, a plan that involved getting her into his domain. ((I'm not sure what you mean exactly by that? Is it literal, like get her into his house? Or is it more metaphorical, and you mean get her into his domain of expertise, like morally depraved sex? If your reader can't understand what you're saying, it'll jar him/her out of the story.))

((Paragraph. One paragraph deals with one idea. ))

He approached her after class. "So Ms Allen," he said with a nervous ting he is voice, "umm so today I kinda didn't really catch all of it."

(( he is voice? That should read "With a nervous ting IN HIS voice.))

To be honest, it's pretty jarring set of opening paragraphs. I would thoroughly recommend you ask one of the volunteer editors to help you clean your story up, then resubmit it. A reader wants to lose himself in your story, not to constantly be ripped out of it and reminded that he's reading a story.

Also remember that MOTIVE is a very important aspect. If the teacher is a Plain Jane, why does Kevin want her to experience his depravity? Her hot ass and tits help, but how does he know that? Has he seen her naked sometime? When?

A good editor can help you with all of this.

Take care

Eldridge

 

[Surt]

Thanks for looking that over, i'm so pissed at myself for making dumb mistakes like "he is voice", and i did read over it again and again. Thanks again.

 

[Guest]

Some tips for self-editing:

1) Change the font and/or font size. It looks different, so you may catch things that you won't when reading it in the same font in which you wrote it.

2) Slow down: Take one paragraph at a time, sentence by sentence.

3) Read it backwards, word for word. It's slow, it's painful, and it's absolutely the best way to proof your own work because it takes all the context out of it. Beware of eyestrain--our eyes aren't accustomed to moving backward on the printed page for very long.