confused by one of my turnons; question for other straight guys

[Swinteck]

Sorry for multiple postings, but it seems like I keep on posting in the wrong forum. Hope you'll overlook this faux pas in a first-time poster.

I'm like a 90% straight 20-year old guy, and all my life, my primary attraction has been toward women. However, recently I've started exploring this part of me that I find a little bit disturbing, and I can't figure out why I find it so appealing. I've been visiting this older guy around 15 years my senior (who's also straight or, rather plausibly, at least claims to be) that I met off the internet (in itself a somewhat risky move). We've been meeting around once a week since December, so that it's become sort of a weekly Sunday-night ritual.

We kind of have this thing going on where I pretend to be a sailor and he pretends to be my commanding officer, and he makes me do stuff like strip, do pushups and situps, and stand or kneel for inspection. He also lays me on the floor and paddles me, grabs me by the hair or ears, probes my ass with his fingers, and slaps me around while telling me what a worthless piece of shit I am. My job is to get punished for being insolent, and to talk back and get punished even more for doing so.

What the heck is going on here? I kind of view this as being separate from my primary sexuality, but at the same time, it's incredibly satisfying for me and also turns me on, even though I feel absolutely no physical attraction to this person. Does this make me gay? I have thought about this a great deal, and for the life of me, can't figure out why I enjoy this kind of treatment. Any insight from you guys would be greatly appreciated, especially if you view yourself as being primarily straight and having a conventional sexual identity.

I'd also like some insight on what the other guy is getting out of it. Assuming he is straight (if we take his words at face value), what is he getting out of hanging out with me? I kind of wonder about his intentions, but thus far, that hasn't been enough to stop me from going to him.

Thanks for your help, guys!

 

[Aeroil]

If you're not attracted to him sexually then I'd say you're not gay, merely not nearly as squemish as many straight guys are. I'd certainly have a problem with it because I see things like that as being an act of intimacy, you apparently don't, why you're able to enjoy it. Could just be that you like having someone with a powerful image dominate and humiliate you, not entirely uncommon.
then again I could be way off, just a guess.

 

[arctic-stranger]

snip.....What the heck is going on here? I kind of view this as being separate from my primary sexuality, but at the same time, it's incredibly satisfying for me and also turns me on, even though I feel absolutely no physical attraction to this person. Does this make me gay? I have thought about this a great deal, and for the life of me, can't figure out why I enjoy this kind of treatment. Any insight from you guys would be greatly appreciated, especially if you view yourself as being primarily straight and having a conventional sexual identity.

"Gay" is an abstraction, a term that has some meaning, but may not be useful for every situation. Asking if you are "gay" is a bit like asking if you like modern jazz. You might like some aspects of it, but hate others.

Just because this one behavior from this one person turns you on, that does not make you "gay."

BTW the word "homosexual" was a seventeenth century invention. One of the problems that people have when they try to talk about the Bible and Homosexuality is that "homosexuality" per se, did not exist. Yes men did other men, but the words surrounding that pertained to the actions, not he orientation. I think we do a disservice when we try to force people into sexual categories.

 

[serijules]

Reminds me of my best friend. He is always going to porn shops and making out with guys in the video booths, or going to adult movie theatres and doing the same, yet he says he is not gay and has no attraction to men. It kind of baffles me but I know him well and I do believe him when he says he has no attraction and desire for men, I think he just gets off on the whole fact of it being a "taboo" thing and completely emotionless, all about physical sex. Perhaps its much the same for you, you get off on the lack of emotional commitment or connection and purely enjoy the physical of it. Nothing wrong with that, I say.

 

[joeys-game]

I think this is a fantasy of many people, whether they are from the gay or straight communities. Being forced to submit or enjoy acts of violence, ( usually minimal ) is quite simply a'turn on'. You obviously feel safe enough with this guy that you don't feel that things will get too out of control, consequently allowing you to be dominated. My guess is if you were confronted in this manner by someone that you didn't know, you wouldn't find it satisfying on any level.

Joey

 

[Marquis]

Aeroil, is your big brother posting for you or something? You actually sounded reasonable for a second.


To the threadstarter: I think it depends on how you want to look at it. I am personally a heterosexual both by choice and by nature. My sexual attraction is towards women, but I get hit on by gay guys incessantly and honestly if it was ever a bad night I would probably be able to bust a nut if I could close my eyes while some little boi sucked my dick. I never asked the specifics, but I've had gay guys offer me a lot of money to "go with them". I've even been offered business opportunities offered to me in exchange for gay sex!

I think most guys are lying if they say they wouldnt introduce homosexuality into their lives at some point. I would, for example, fuck a man for a couple hundred thousand dollars. If I was in jail for a long time I would doubtlessly fuck men. I can't say I would ever desire to be fucked by a man, but if I was in jail I probably wouldnt have a choice. I don't think any of those things would make me "gay" per se, at least not any more than giving myself a handjob three times a day.

It's all about your comfort level. I know people who do not jerk off because they see it as a perverted form of sexuality. If you're not bothered by being ordered around by a dude and having him stick fingers in your ass, but you know you like women, I would say you're a straight dude who's very open minded. Personally, the gayest thing I've ever done in my life was let a man rub my back while I was high on X.

Hmm, actually I let a gay couple listen to me have sex with a female from another room on a few occassions.

Damn, I think I practiced making out with a boy when I was like 3 years old too now that I think about it!!!

OK, time to go see the shrink now....

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

I tend to agree with serijules' historical/social perspective. I'm doubtful of most absolute categories, including the three of sexual orientation (gay, straight, bi). Human's just don't tend to fall into absolutes like that overall. We tend to better fit spectral (of a spectrum, a range) classifications. Some are almost entirely attracted to people of the same gender, some are almost entirely attracted to people of the opposite gender, most (IMO) fall somewhere in between. Yet we have a society that's built on forcing people into categories, mostly so they can be divided and conquered.

Anyhoo- what's the upshoot of all this? A question: why worry? Who cares if the world wants to classify you as one thing or another. If you enjoy this, then screw the world and enjoy it. Labels don't matter.

 

[Aeroil]

Aeroil, is your big brother posting for you or something? You actually sounded reasonable for a second....................

Lol, had he I would have knifed him I guarentee you. Besides my brother is a homophobe, and the last thing from reasonable.

 

[Marquis]

Lol, had he I would have knifed him I guarentee you. Besides my brother is a homophobe, and the last thing from reasonable.

Always with the knives Aeroil, play nice now!

 

[Aeroil]

Always with the knives Aeroil, play nice now!

lol, had he infiltrated my privacy like that then I would most definately not be nice, I'd have the blood-hunt look on my face I guarentee you lol. Besides what's wrong with knives???

 

[catalina_francisco]

The question of whether you are gay can only be answered by you, and may not be something you are able to answer at this point in time. Similarly, what the other guy gets out of it and whether he has other motives or is gay is once again something only he can answer. That being said, what you describe fits into D/s or topping/bottoming. The aspects of it you find reason to question your sexuality may be related to sexuality, or could simply be 'forced homosexual' desires experienced by many who are into D/s, especially men. It does not necessarily mean they are gay, it may mean they have hidden desires they want to be able to abdicate responsibility to experience, or it may mean they are gay. The world of D/s and SM can confuse us at times as to the origins of our desires. I know for myself there are things I fantasise about and will at some time do in this lifestyle which I would never have found acceptable in the vanilla context.

Situations are relative and can make the difference. Maybe some reading of similar erotica could help define what it is you do and do not find okay......we have written a couple of our own on Lit which include the theme. It sounds as if you have arived at a point of trust with this person, and he in turn has not seemed to abuse that trust by doing anything you find abusive. If you are hugely concerned, perhaps you should ask to speak to him and ask those things which are on your mind. It may just be a matter of allowing yourself to experience and enjoy without questioning yourself too deeply and just see where you find yourself wanting the journey to go.

Catalina

 

[voltigeur]

I think it may have to do with it being sooo forbidden. I had a g/f that Domme'd me and as she teased my ass she made me beg her to get me 2 studs. IT was such a turn on because of the mixed feelings.

Although for this role play to not turn sexual at some point would greatly surprize me. As you get used to it and he has to raise the stakes to keep the feelings of humiliation going.

 

[Bondagebunni]

Off topic: am I the only one who is reminded of a Lab puppy when Aeroil posts? Very cute and eager but still naive and clueless and not picking up on the jokes. It's cute. I want to give him a cookie or something.

Sort of on topic: I'm curious as to how this situation came about. Like did you seek each other out or were you talking and somehow accidentally came upon the subject and piqued each other's interest. Cause it seems like an interesting situation.

ACTUALLY on topic: I can definately see how the whole thing can be confusing. You don't hear about stuff like that and the idea that you might not be normal can be scary (though really shouldn't be but such is society/life). But if you're happy and you both are enjoying yourselves. Don't let it worry you too much.

Also, it's really hot...[/perv]

 

[Aeroil]

Off topic: am I the only one who is reminded of a Lab puppy when Aeroil posts? Very cute and eager but still naive and clueless and not picking up on the jokes. It's cute. I want to give him a cookie or something.........

hmm, no apparently you're not the only one, I get called cute about twice as much as I get called anything else.
Maybe I should make my av a kitten, go for the all out attack on the cute angle .
lol, okay I'm done hijacking

 

[SuperShyGuy]

To the thread starter, I can understand your mixed feelings. I'd consider myself for the most part to fall into the categorization of a straight man. But one of the D/s fantasies that does hold interest for me is being under the control of a woman, and having her force me to participate in gay sex while she watches. I'm sure there are many oterh "straight" men who if they were being truly honest would say the idea held interest for them as well. I've come to a place with myself where I've stopped trying to evaluate if a fantasy is "good" or "bad", "straight" or "gay" or any other set of criteria for that matter. I just accept it. For me accepting my own fantasies, whatever they may be, has been a very liberating experience. It's opened a lot of doors in terms of things that I may explore at some point.

 

[WriterDom]

If he is probing your ass with his fingers, he probably isn't straight.

Put it this way, if he were an arrow, I wouldn't shoot him in my bow.

 

[Marquis]

Put it this way, if he were an arrow, I wouldn't shoot him in my bow.

What does that mean?

 

[Aeroil]

haha! Marquis didn't get a joke that even I got!
it means he isn't straight, why you wouldn't shoot him in a bow, a curved arrow is worthless.

 

[Marquis]

There are no words for the shame I now feel.

 

[sunfox]

There are no words for the shame I now feel.

*points and laughs*