Confused about my Husband-Help pls!

[IcedHeart]

nevermind, thanks though

Thanks for your time.

 

[bailadora]

What you describe is sexual assault. The fact that you're married to him is immaterial. It's still sexual assault because he initiates and continues with sex when you're not in a state of mind to give consent. If that in itself wasn't bad enough, he doesn't seem to give a shit that intercourse sometimes hurts you AND he refuses to talk to you about it.

My advice? Get the hell out of that house. Take your kids, go to a safe house, whatever you need to do to make sure you and your kids safe. Then tell him if he's serious about saving his marriage, he'll get counseling. If he refuses, I'd seriously consider initiating divorce.

And before you tell me it's too hard, you have kids, etc, etc - I've three kids and I've been out of the job market for over 12 years now. But if my husband did to me what yours does to you? All he'd see is my dust. If you don't want to do it for yourself, you need to do it for your children. You owe it to them to model a healthy relationship and what he does to you without your consent is far from healthy.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Hi,

I want to start off that I am really shy. I have been married for 3 years to an amazing man. We have two kids together and I'd like to say that we have sex regularily.

Within the last few months I have discovered that my husband likes out-of-ordinary things. I was confused and we talked about it and, sometimes I still think about it.

The problem is that recently, I started taking sleeping pills because I have so much anxiety I cannot sleep, and I have nightmares, and on top of all of that I am several times a night to walk around/check kids/go to the bathroom/etc. Now that I have started taking theses pills he waits for me to fall asleep to have sex with me. I don't usually mind because I will wake up but sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything.
I have also noticed that when I am the one to initiate sex or position he either starts losing his hard-on or (in the event I want to have sex) he won't even get hard.

We have talked about it but he never answers me. Maybe he isn't proud of it but, I need an answer as to "why". I have been doing all I can to understand this but I just can't because he won't explain anything to me.
This happened last night, everything was fine, he even carried me to the bedroom (which he never does!) and laid me down. When I slowly moved him into the position I wanted it was like he just lost it. I ended up in the shower crying quietly to myself wondering why I am not good enough.

If anyone has this problem-male-female please..help me. I need some advice or an answer or something to help me understand all this.

Thanks.

I know it is hard not to take something like this personally. But I wonder if this is not about you "not being good enough". But an issue (and possibly and medical one) with him.

Has he been to the doctor and gotten checked out? Had his hormone levels checked? Done a full work up?

I know there are some people who get aroused and like to have sex with people who are sleeping (Somnophilia). But have you asked how long he has been aroused by this? If it is a new thing, I would wonder how much of it is due to the decrease in pressure/stress. I.e. if you are asleep he can do whatever he needs to do to gets himself aroused and hard.

As for the asking him "why", you know he may not know why. Again I wonder if this is about you at all. I completely understand that it is hard not to see a sexual issue, especially when it comes to trying to excite our partners, and not think that we are the issue. But if this is medical... I don't know how much anything you "do" will hep unless he gets checked out.

I will say the one thing that make me pause was this "sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything." As your partner he really should be concerned if something is hurting you and respond to that. I find it a little "red flaggish" that he isn't.

 

[blulilacgrl]

What you describe is sexual assault. The fact that you're married to him is immaterial. It's still sexual assault because he initiates and continues with sex when you're not in a state of mind to give consent. If that in itself wasn't bad enough, he doesn't seem to give a shit that intercourse sometimes hurts you AND he refuses to talk to you about it.

My advice? Get the hell out of that house. Take your kids, go to a safe house, whatever you need to do to make sure you and your kids safe. Then tell him if he's serious about saving his marriage, he'll get counseling. If he refuses, I'd seriously consider initiating divorce.

And before you tell me it's too hard, you have kids, etc, etc - I've three kids and I've been out of the job market for over 12 years now. But if my husband did to me what yours does to you? All he'd see is my dust. If you don't want to do it for yourself, you need to do it for your children. You owe it to them to model a healthy relationship and what he does to you without your consent if far from healthy.

Bailadora. Just a quick point out. And while I agree with you on this in general. I can't tell if the poster is consenting to it or not.

I don't usually mind because I will wake up but sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything.

I think this sentence can be taken in a number of different ways. Perhaps you can clear it up for us, IcedHeart?

While I agree that if it is nonconsensual and she is being hurt, she needs to leave and get help. I am a little unsure if that is what she was saying. It raises suspicions and a bit of a red flag, but I would really like her to respond and explain a little more.

 

[amofiga]

You talk about "out of ordinary" things but you didn't say what they are. What seems "out of ordinary" to some people is quite average to others. Are you talking about things like oral or anal sex or are you talking about inflicting pain or some other sorts of fetshes? The fact that he seems to only be able to perform if you're asleep or under other certain circumstances and can't seem to perform if you initiate is not a good thing. It seems odd that this would happen after three years or more of what would seem like normal sexual activity.

The poster above said to get out of the house, but you really haven't said anything to indicate that he's violent or poses a real threat. If he truly seems to only have satisfaction if you are in pain, then perhaps you should consider a separation along with therapy until it can be worked out. If your "pain" is simply a result of him having sex with you before you're prepared and sufficiently lubricated, then that's a different issue, but still would probably benefit from professional help.

Remember, this is a "bulletin board" of general folks and while there might be some professional therapists lurking in the ranks, most of the "advice" you get here are only "opinions". It sounds like your hubby might have some real issues about sex being something to be "taken" from a woman and not shared. He seems to have a problem if you are the one expressing interest or are even conscious enough to participate. Some men might tend to have a lot of guilt about sex and not be able to accept that women can want it or enjoy it. The having sex with you while you're asleep thing is a way of "taking it" from you without you expressing enjoyment or desire to participate. It's the same sort of thing that could perhaps give a "peeing Tom" his thrills.

Regardless of anything you read here, I'd think that seeing professional input would be wise. Unfortunately if your husband doesn't want to discuss it does not indicate that he would be ready to participate. Good luck.

 

[bailadora]

Bailadora. Just a quick point out. And while I agree with you on this in general. I can't tell if the poster is consenting to it or not.

I don't usually mind because I will wake up but sometimes it hurts-and even though I tell him it doesn't change anything.

I think this sentence can be taken in a number of different ways. Perhaps you can clear it up for us, IcedHeart?

While I agree that if it is nonconsensual and she is being hurt, she needs to leave and get help. I am a little unsure if that is what she was saying. It raises suspicions and a bit of a red flag, but I would really like her to respond and explain a little more.

Actually, Blu - I'm not convinced of the sincerity of that statement. If it bothers Heart to the extent that she's posting about it here, then it's clearly enough of an issue that her husband ought to be damn well concerned as well. Plus, there are two red HUGE flags for me : 1) the fact that he has hurt her through sexual intercourse and he doesn't seem to care about that and 2) that he refuses to talk to her about this, at all.

I get that it can be difficult to talk about one's kinks to one's partner, especially when it's clear they're so wildly divergent. Lord knows my husband is as vanilla as vanilla can be, while I'm more Rocky Road. That said, my primary concern is my husband's mental and physical well being, not getting my rocks off on kinks that he has not consented to be a part of. The way the entire opening post was written suggests, to me, that her well being is currently not his focus.

ETA: Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any sexual touching of a person who has not consented. With respect, Amofiga - just because she's not sporting physical bruises doesn't mean his actions don't constitute violence towards her. He's waiting until she's drugged on meds and is too sleepy to give fully informed consent. What the hell is it if not sexual assault?

 

[mike2010fc]

.....

 

[Hosebloke]

Bordering on necropillia type fetish if you ask me

 

[bailadora]

I personally love to be woken up to sex, so I know that maybe men and women look at that a little differently, and maybe he doesn't see what he's doing as an affront.

It's one thing to initiate sex while asleep or half asleep and then have your partner wake up enough to join in the pleasure. It's quite another when they remain a zombie and you go ahead anyway. Now, if this something that a couple has discussed openly and honestly and the receiving partner says something along the lines of "go ahead, just don't wake me up", then I see no issue because consent has been given when the receiver is in a coherent enough state to give it. OTOH, if someone says that this bothers them or that it hurts, then their partner should absolutely refrain out of respect for their SO's wishes.

 

[silverwhisper]

icedheart: get. the. fuck. out. of. that. house.

your husband is absolutely not an "amazing" man. he's a control freak and quite honestly, i'm scared for you.

how much contact do you still have with your friends and family? how does it compare to how much you had before you met your husband? if there's a big difference, you need to start worrying about your safety right the hell now.

ed

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Like the man sez, talk to someone you trust, who has commonsense and wont freak-out over code words. You really don't need advice from folks you gotta sedate first.

What I'd do is ask your MD if he/she recommends anyone for marital issues, maybe clergy can recommend someone. You don't need to go into all the details, and I wouldn't suggest that you do, until you find someone you trust and feel at ease with.

 

[dougsan]

What JAMESBJOHNSON said! Get a third party PROFESSIONAL involved and hurry.

 

[Trolltroll420]

Wow! You are asking the wrong people for help. Call a therapist immediately. There is something seriously wrong with your husband.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Wow! You are asking the wrong people for help. Call a therapist immediately. There is something seriously wrong with your husband.

There is a chance that the problem is bigger than it seems.

Sleeping pills aren't usually prescribed for anxiety. Was this a recommendation by a doc or did you just decide you wanted a little rest?

Maybe the events during the day contribute to an overall inability to be intimate for the both of you. Not sleeping is an indicator that something else is wrong. Take care of that.

The other stuff is clouding the issue.. and even if you and he don't work out.. you'll still have that other issue.

 

[stockman35]

You need to give us a few more clues. Such as: Does he like doing oral on you? Does like "dirty Talk?" Does ever go for adventurous sex, such as outdoors?

Also, does he have athletic ability, like jogging, tennis or even weight lifting?

 

[dougsan]

The only peple who would need "more details" IMO are being nosy and lusting after dirty details. I believe the thinking people have suggested your only next course of action, seek out professional help before someone is hurt.

 

[KinkyVinyl]

I know this sounds insignificant compared to the bigger picture but when did the nightmares start, what are they about, who prescribed the sleeping pills (because sleeping pills are not prescribed for anxiety), is your husband defensive, uncomfortable or embarrassed when you question him?

I was a little 'surprised' at the accusation of 'sexual assault' ... I like to be woken whilst asleep BUT if I wasn't in the mood ... I am more than capable of letting my partner know that I'm not in the mood.

How many tablets are you taking that makes you incapable of expressing this?

 

[Cathleen]

Despite dougsan's says, I do have some questions, should you return.

How old are you both? How long have you been together, sexually speaking? Regarding the "things out of the ordinary", do they make you uncomfortable, physically? Emotionally? Sexually? New things generally provoke thinking, allow yourself to ruminate on them.

Your husband's disregard for your physical comfort is a concern to me. It's uncaring and disrespectful. I'd have a conversation, outside the bedroom, about it.

His reluctance to discuss his recent behaviors is to be considered too. It's a partnership, IMO he needs to be able to talk with you about it. However, like many others shared, a third party, a trip to his medical doctor would be in your best interests.

ETA: Your use of sleeping pills sound ill advised for anxiety. New studies are finding they interfer with many of our body's natural ways that promote sleep. Maybe speak with your doctor too.

 

[LadyVer]

He sounds like a rapist.

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

IcedHeat, I am guessing like some of the others that your husband is highly excited by situations of sex UNconsentual sex. Is your high state of anxiety due to some past stuff...or is his new proclivities sending you into a hypervigilant state? The fact that he WAITS for you to pass out from your pills to take advantage of you...are you ok with this? Have you even asked yourself if you are okay with this? The fact that you are checking on the kids constantly...are you worried about your kids with him perhaps? I certainly agree the you ought to connect with a professional counselor on this.

 

[Noor]

Is your husband awake when he has sex with you asleep? There is such a thing where men will have sex in their sleep even with their eyes open sometimes.

 

[IcedHeart]

I replied but I decided that I am just going to talk to him again and suggest we get some sort of therapy. Thanks

 

[IcedHeart]

Not sure how to entirely delete this. Sorry. Thanks again

 

[RuReal]

Not sure how to entirely delete this. Sorry. Thanks again

Well one thing you are getting out of this is that going to a professional for help is a good idea. One thing not to take out of this thread is people pouring in their own personal problems. While it sucks that they have had to go through negative experiences it also tends to make them paint things with a negative brush.

As someone that has had part of their sexuality repressed by something like this I would suggest caution.

 

[bailadora]

Well one thing you are getting out of this is that going to a professional for help is a good idea. One thing not to take out of this thread is people pouring in their own personal problems. While it sucks that they have had to go through negative experiences it also tends to make them paint things with a negative brush.

As someone that has had part of their sexuality repressed by something like this I would suggest caution.

I don't think people were pouring out their own personal problems or negativity in this thread. I think there was a genuine concern for Heart's safety. I don't fault the man for having his sexual kinks. I DO fault him for appearing to engage in them with, at best, questionable consent on the part of his wife.


Heart:

If you guys can get all the issues worked out between the two of you, then more power to you. I've been with my love for over 20 years now and we've had our rough spots, just like any couple. Twice, it's almost come to the point of one of us leaving before the other would acknowledge and get serious about dealing with the issue before us. I sincerely hope your husband will see reason before it comes to that point. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.