Confidence

[papadrew]

I have a problem. I feel I'm too shy, and I don't really know how to get over it. I always seem to think I'm never good enough for the girls I meet, and I know I need to have more confidence, but I have no idea how to boost my confidence. I've only been with 2 girls, and I know that's pretty average for a 20 year old. I've also gotten some very nice compliments from them, especially sexually. I know I'm a little above average size wise (7.5" long and 5.75" around), and they both actually said that my dick was "the perfect size", so that made me feel good. They both also said I was phenominal in bed (I've always lasted very long, never less than an hour of actual penetration, and the last time she came like 8 times or something). I've also been told than I'm not unattractive, but I also know I'm no pretty boy. So, by my own logic, I should have some confidence, but for some reason, I lock up around girls. I can hold normal conversations and stuff, but I can really bring myself to tell a girl that I like her or that I find her attractive. I don't know why, but I never can find what to say, and I end up just sitting back and enjoying them from afar. What can I do to get the balls to tell girls how I feel? I know I just need to man up and say it, and just take rejection, because it happens to everyone, but is there anything I can do to make it a little smoother? Anything to make it so I don't come of like a total dumbass? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Guest]

 

[quickfoot]

I'm pretty much the same. When I was a teenager I had acne pretty bad and was shy anyway, resulted in a very low self image and being extremely introverted.

A lot has forced me to change, being online helped quite a bit where I could talk with others and get to know them, share about myself and discover that I wasn't boring or ugly :-D. Applying that lesson to real life is hard though.

When I was 19 I was hired by a major R&D company in boise to work in a firmware development and qualification lab, it forced me to grow in many ways. I'm now in a lower level management and programming position that requires me to supervise 5 people and provide direction daily.

Going to meetings, being forced to work with people, responsible for preparing reports, etc, has resulted in a higher professional confidence. That has helped me raise my personal confidence.

I still don't love talking with people in an unstructured way but I'm not afraid to approach people and speak my mind no matter what is on it, whether it be professional or not.

You might consider getting a few self help books or even maybe a therapy session or two (you can find mental health services very affordably, sometimes provided by the city or your employer).

For me the biggest thing was identifying I was uncomfortable in the situation, then determining why, then forcing myself to work through it. Even if you are turned down you can rest assured that you tried, learn and move on.

I was intimidated by women for a long time because I felt like I was the only male they came into contact with who was unable to suppress/eliminate attraction to them :-D

 

[papadrew]

Perhaps your correct Emerald_eyed, and if I ever find one at this school, I'll definately go after her, but so far they're all girls.

And thank you quickfoot for the advice.

 

[fgarvb1]

Welcome to the club papadrew.

I figured out a long time ago that sometimes I was going to make a complete fool out of myself one way or another.

So with that in mind I go forward.

If you are worried about the sex part you might as well know now that us men have no Ideal how good or bad we really seem to be to a woman.

All we have are our own perceptions and comparisons of the situations...

The thing is both of you having a good time.

Trust yourself you will know.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Here is a copy of the post I left to another similar thread:

QUOTE (myself):
IJAD-

Hello there honey. I kindof scanned the other responses and there is some good information on them, so I'm got going to re-iterate a lot of what has already been said.

However, I was going to answer one of your central questions (the "bad boy" question).... the answer is...depends on the girl.

You hit on a very dear topic to me because I am a "shy guy" fetishist. I get extremely turned on by men who are shy and get embarrassed easily and who blush very easily. It's not in that "domination" sense either. It's just that those things really crank my engine, ya know?

So....PLEASE don't give up on being yourself. It may take you a little longer to get the attention that your "bad boy" friends get...but the attention you do get will be more worthwhile.

I have some friends who are in a "Shy Boy" fetishist group in Cent/No California (San Jose area...where I lived once upon a time)...maybe I can steer you towards a "hookup". (Or you could just go blush for them and make their year).

Please honey...don't give up on being you....it will only be robbing you of the opportunity to meet someone you really connect with.

~WOK (Who would love to see pics of you blushing if you have em... )


__________________


Please guys...there are plenty of girls out there who want you shy and all...don't go changing who you are just to get hooked up with a woman. If you have other reasons (professional...etc) then fine.... but seriously, you should never change who you are just to "lure" someone into a relationship only for both of you to have a lot of underlying tension because you are not being "yourself".... there are a lot of "Shy Boy" fetishist groups out there full of women who are looking for a shy guy like you...don't rob them of the chance to meet you.

~WOK (who believes that there is always someone in the world out there who will love you for who you are)

 

[Carnus]

I used to be the same way, and still am in some situations, but I learned something when I was in college that has helped me ever since then.

Everyone you meet needs something from you, whether it is a smile to make them happy or learning something from you that they don't know. Even the person who claims you can offer them nothing needs your existence in order to make them feel superior.

Remember every time that you start to feel shy and unsure of what to say that you should be yourself, if you are a computer geek (like me) then they may have a problem understand exactly what www means and feel grateful to talk about it, or if you are a construction worker and tell them that the reason they get soft spots in their yard is because they need to add some gravel into their soil everyone can learn something from you and go away a better person.

Now the hard part, the same is true the other direction, everyone you meet is a wnderful person in some way, something makes them special and worth getting to know, search for and find that something and relish it.

The only reason really to be shy is when you don't feel you have anything to offer, think of the last conversation with your best friend and remember that he/she knows that you have something to offer and you are a person to be cherished for it.

Carnus

 

[Ms_Kat]

Getting over shyness is more about gaining experience than "having the balls" to talk to someone.

First, start small. Next time you are in line at the grocery store, look at the woman standing next to you. Say something like, "Hi." Nod and smile when you say it. There is absolutely no pressure to go any further. If you want to, you can follow up with, "I hate waiting in lines."

If you want to get more personal, say something like, "I like your jewelry. How did you find it?"

If you are totally at a loss, you can say, "I'm sorry. I want to talk with you but I'm very shy and I'm having trouble figuring out what to say to you."

Just relax. Women enjoy men who talk to them, even if it's about meaningless things.

Hugs,

Kat

 

[papadrew]

Thanks to all who've responded. I'll try to keep all of it in mind. And I ahd no idea there was such a thing as a shy guy fetish, wornoutkeyboard. I hope there are some womena round here with that fetish.

 

[Noor]

I like silly men. I like men who aren't afraid to be real.

 

[College_geek]

I prefer the quieter, sweeter, nicer guys over the "bad boys" any day.

 

[Imi]

My advice is to start hanging out at Lit more. I've never been a wall flower in the least, but there is a difference between having self-confidence and being outgoing.

I came to Lit because I wanted some feedback about my looks. It was one of the best things I ever did. I learned that everyone appeals to someone. I had always had a whopping case of breast envy, felt very ashamed of my itty bitty titties. I have to say that I developed a lovely devoted following when I was posting. They gave me such a shot of self-confidence, it was amazing. Today I feel so much more attractive, so much better about me as a sensual person, it adds even more to me.

Please keep in mind that I'm married and I'm staying married. Which is not to say that my hubby doesn't appreciate and love me just the way I am. But he's supposed to. There was just something about getting feedback from people who only wanted to see more of me. They weren't getting in my pants, they weren't getting laid, they just liked seeing me. How about that?

I can't say enough for the people I've met here. All in all, I think they have given me so much in terms of how good I feel about me.

 

[College_geek]

I had always had a whopping case of breast envy, felt very ashamed of my itty bitty titties.

I have a huge case of breast envy too. And I'm large. ...Maybe I should try to take some pics someday and post them. Someday on a high self-esteem day.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Thanks to all who've responded. I'll try to keep all of it in mind. And I ahd no idea there was such a thing as a shy guy fetish, wornoutkeyboard. I hope there are some womena round here with that fetish.

Oh honey...lemme tell ya...there are.

We even swap stories and videos (seriously, we swap videos of men blushing and talking during uncomfortable situations)....there is something to be said for a man who is vunerable. Men are traditionally suppoesed to be "strong" and "adept"....and that isn't what all men are or what all women want out of men. There is something particularly wonderful about a guy who is shy and vunerable yet can still be a strong hearted person.

If you are too shy to just jump in and find a shy guy fetish group in your area (unfortunately that is a major problem given the basic dynamic of the fetish)...then consider placing a personal ad that says that you are shy. That is where a lot of women who belong to shy guy fetish groups look. (Sometimes they are "referred" as well...but generally speaking the women I know find dates through personal ads by looking for the term shy.)

If you do find shy guy fetish group and decide that you can make the leap...having a studder helps (seriously...lol... I know it seems weird to you, but a guy with an endearing studder can really float my boat). I know that studdering can be bilogical, but in many cases men who are seriously shy also studder. Anyhoo...prolly too much FYI...but u struck on a favorite topic of mine. (Alas... I married a man who is not shy...one of the only unshy men I ever dated.... so I have to live it all out through fantasy these days. Truly being shy is not something that can be faked or role played).

Anyhoo...best of luck.

~WOK

 

[CWatson]

papadrew, there's been a lot of good advice here, so I'll just emphasize a few things.

1) Ms_Kat has the right of it. Lack of confidence means, basically, that you don't believe you can do something. Thinking about it makes you lock up, because you figure you'll fail--and disastrously to boot. So don't. Don't THINK, I mean. Just DO it. Don't let your brain get in your way: stand up, walk over and say Hi before it even realizes you've moved. Because--and you cannot hear this enough--YOU CAN DO IT. Since you don't BELIEVE you can, the best thing to do is just do it ANYWAY. After a few tries, your head will catch up and you'll realize: Whoa, I CAN do this! And then you'll be fine. Confidence is one of the lighter emotions; it constantly tries to rise to the top of the pile. Give it a chance, and it will.


2) Imi also has a really good idea. Until August this year I was much like you. Then, by chance, I met a bunch of people who are loud and crude and raucous without being "bad boys" (or rather bad girls; it's mostly the GUYS who are quiet 'round THAT crowd). When it was summer and we had time, we used to hold crazy chats over AIM just SATURATED with all sorts of outrageous sexual situations. Like, there was this one time when Natalie's boyfriend Dave was role-playing as Orlando Bloom AND James Marsters, who were doing all SORTS of amusing things to Nat. (And then Meggie over in the corner with Draco Malfoy, of all people. Oh, well, that's why I didn't ask her out when everyone told me to.) I had a choice: I could be slightly appalled and maybe just hide in a corner and be quiet... Or I could rise to the occasion and make my own mess of things. As it turns out, I did both; I decided to roleplay as a lampshade, which Nat immediately used to molest Orlando Bloom. I figured it wouldn't work; but I told my doubting brain to shut up and did it, and, lo and behold, it DID work. And suddenly I have confidence now, even though I'm climbing out of the ruins of a disastrous relationship with Natalie's best friend, and I think I may even have it in me to ask my crush out tomorrow. Certainly I feel capable of having a conversation with her. Why? Because I've done it before, and I've done it enough times that I know I can do it again.

My point is: If you find the right people and the right situation--if you find a set of circumstances that is conducive to your acting in ways you never have before, that is conducive to your trying out this newfangled "confidence" thing, you can gain it very, very easily. Unfortunately, it's hard to know the right place. But... Just keep your eyes open. Sometimes life just smashes you upside the head with opportunities. Like, I've wanted to learn kung fu for a while, and this quarter I found out someone's starting a kung fu club on campus. Well... I know some kung fu now. When the universe sends you signals like that, it means there's no reason to doubt, because the road before you is clear. The force that might have dropped disaster on you is instead giving you the green light. So GO for it.


3) Your own comment about trying to find women. Yeah, it's hard. I have this problem too. One thing I've heard, that scares me, is that people don't really start hitting their adult mindset until about 26 or 28. It's like, "...Augh GOD, do I HAVE to wait THAT LONG!" The answer, of course, is no. It might have been harder if you had looked around at 14, like I did, but we're 20 now, people are starting to catch up. You just have to be smart about how you search.

Think about how you come across to people, think about how they perceive you. Then think about your values, and what you want to find in a potential date--what makes someone a "woman" in your eyes, if you will. Then think about how the two are related. How do your beliefs and predilections make you act? Write those traits down. THEN, finally, look for people who SHOW those traits. Easier said than done, I know, but it's a start. I know that personally, I didn't believe that there WERE "women" out there, until I thought of it this way; maybe it will help you.


Don't mind me, confidence (and its lack) is a topic that is VERY close to my heart.


PS to WOK: Well, I'm not sure exactly who patronizes your Shy Guy Fetish group, and I don't think I'm up for older women (I'm 20 here!), but I'm sitting in my dorm room just a stone's throw away from where El Camino turns into the Alamedas (you may even be able to guess what DORM I'm in, much less my college) and, since it's nearby... Well, hey, why not? But I don't blush so much. Does that rule me out?

 

[potatohead]

I don't really lack confidence, though maybe I do. My problem is usually starting & maintaining a conversation after the initial "Hi, how's it going" opener. I ask women out all the time but it's really really rare that a girl asks me out.

 

[Bobmi357]

Overcoming shyness isn't easy.

BUT what you need to realize is that if you do nothing (the preferred choice of shy guys everywherre), nothing will be exactly what you get.

Its a lesson I learned late in life, but once I learned it, I persued what I felt I deserved with a will.

I had to chuckle at wornoutkeyboard's suggestion of looking for a fetish group on shy guys. Just the very act of trying to reach out and contact such a group is the antithesis of what shy means.

The shy guy is the one in the corner sipping a drink and trying to look like he's enjoying himself at the dance. You have to seek him out because, being shy, he'll not want to take that first step in your direction.

If you want to overcome shyness then you must do something which would put you in the spotlight, even if for brief periods of time. Take a course on public speaking, or join some sort of competitive sport where you'd have to compete publicily. Hell, even a chess club that sponsors public matches would put you under the lights for a while. The idea here is to learn to assert yourself publicily, and as you get used to that idea, women will become less intimidating to you.

 

[snickertease]

I have a weird suggestion here... I am an improv comedian, and prior to becoming one, I was PAINFULLY shy around women.

I have learned a few things from taking improv training.

1. It was really, really painful at times.

2. When you have mimed jerking off your best same-sex friend on stage in front of an audience of 300 people, you are no longer afraid to say to a girl "Hey, you free Saturday?"

3. Confidence feels DAMN good. Not caring about the rejection is so freeing... being able to be yourself instead of terrified what to say and exactly how to say it...

4. Confidence gets you a yes, anywhere from job interviews to proposing a one night stand... well not always. But if a yes is possible, being brave is your biggest, best, and pretty much only chance of getting it.