confessions and questions

[littlemissgreen]

Well I guess I should just start from the beginning.

I haven't had sex in nearly two years. Before the last time it had been over another two years. Frankly I'm not very experienced at all, I had one serious boyfriend a long time ago and ever since then I have been for the most part abstinant.

In college I was always so proud of myself, having discovered masturbation and watching my friends emotional turmoils over whichever guy they were sleeping with at the time. I didn't need nor want anyone, why deal with possible rejection, hurt feelings, and the things young men say to one another about the women they bed when I could be happy and simply please myself? I think I might be the only girl who didn't have sex in college (well except for those crazy religious ones).

I am short and told that I am pretty, however I have always been overweight and uncomfortable with my body until recently. I have committed myself to a healthy lifestyle and although am still about ten pounds overweight I am beginning to really enjoy the way my body looks and feels. I'm even starting to like my breasts and the fact that men look at them.

But after these years masturbation is no longer enough to satisfy my needs. For awhile I was masturbating multiple times a day and that seemed to be alright, but at this point I feel like I am needy for sex. I read the stories here on literotica and watch porn and just feel so left out. I have begun reading those self-help books about how to attract men, but I don't just want sex. I know this stuff takes time but I am concerned that in my current state I will jump the next man who takes me out to dinner or presses his body against mine. And this I am well aware is not the makings of a committed trusting relationship. Furthermore, with the years of fantasies, erotica, and porn there is so much I want to explore but how do you tell someone about that stuff without them thinking you are some kind of weirdo? I guess that's a bit immature but I am so out of practice.

So I guess my how-to question goes to those of you who have incredible sex lives with someone you love...how did you do it? How did you get there? What obstacles/setbacks did you have on the way? How did you and your partner get to a point where you trusted each other enough to explore certain avenues? How do you articulate that you want to be a slut in the bedroom but a "nice girl" out in public?

Thanks if you read all that.

 

[pplwatching]

So I guess my how-to question goes to those of you who have incredible sex lives with someone you love...how did you do it? How did you get there? What obstacles/setbacks did you have on the way? How did you and your partner get to a point where you trusted each other enough to explore certain avenues? How do you articulate that you want to be a slut in the bedroom but a "nice girl" out in public?

First of all, I think you have a great head on your shoulders. You raise a lot of good points. Sex feels great but from this side of 14 years of marriage it's really the icing on the cake so I am nodding my head in agreement at what you wrote. In my experience experimenting with all the things I wanted to try required a lot of trust. Trust that she wouldn't reject me, ridicule me, or think badly of me. Unfortunately, sometimes in prior relationships the trust wasn't deserved but the sex led to feelings that were not supported by the quality of the relationship. The best sex has been where the emotions that I feel for my wife turn what would otherwise be good sex into really great sex. When I break out my kinky side my wife's love for me and trust in me goes a long way to making the experience good for both of us.

Taking what you wrote at face value there is no substitute for time, as frustrating as that can be. First you have to demonstrate that you are the lady who deserves love and respect outside of the bedroom. IMHO that earns you the right to be whatever you want to be in the bedroom. I think that the first thing you need to do is decide what you are looking for in a relationship, and then put your effort into finding it. I realize that you don't want to be abstinent, but I think that the pro-abstinence crowd has some useful tips for you until you are ready to add it to your relationship. Don't allow yourself to be in situations that might lead to an expectation of (or desire for) sex. Don't spend time alone in his bedroom, making out on the couch, etc until you're reasonably sure that you want to move to the next step in the relationship. Taking away the temptation will make it a lot easier. There will be time enough for all of the exciting things that you want to try, but you'll just have to wait for the time and place.

Once you've established a level of trust and mutual respect in a relationship you will find that some things fall naturally into place sexually. For others, the trust and respect you have at that point will go a long way towards accepting sexual exploration. You can start to talk about the things you want to try, and since he'll already know you're a quality woman he won't be trying to figure out if you're just a flake ;-)

Porn has some major drawbacks. It tends to give a very unrealistic idea of what sex is and the kinds of pleasure, and drawbacks, that comes from it. If most of your 'experience' with sex has been from watching pornos, you may have a lot to unlearn. Porn completely ignores love, personalities, subtleties, and the depth of emotions that go along with sex. It turns a rich, vibrant, experience into 2D parade of positions and body parts If you don't have a lot of male friends as a point of reference, you will almost certainly find that men are more complex than the way you see us act in pornos. There is also the possibility that you may wrongly blame the relationship if something doesn't live up to what you've seen watching porn. As you so wisely point out, it also tends to leave you turned on and horny. That's impractical given what you said about not wanting to jump the first guy who comes your way. It may be time to lay off the porn for a while until you're in the kind of relationship you want, and then maybe use it for a bit of spice.

Good luck! Some lucky man's going to be very glad he took the time to get to know you.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

i have no advice for you hun. i'm not a very good advice giver...But - i do want to say one thing.
I admire you!
I dont think i could have ever had that kind of will power to say no to sex for that long for those reasons. Dont really know ya but what i have read - i'm proud of you!

 

[human_male]

I read the stories here on literotica and watch porn and just feel so left out.

OMG, me too! ME TOO!

Seriously though, I think I know just how you feel. I can feel my life passing me by and just feel like I'm wasting so much time but I don't know what to do about it.

 

[mynameiskate]

I feel for you. But don't give it away to just anyone. Once you meet a guy, spend a little time getting to know him first. I think the closer you are to him, the less you'll regret it. Well, you probably won't regret it at all. And if you two are really close, you'll probably be able to have sex all the time!

 

[rthnck]

There aren't many relationships that go from "how you doin'" to "fuck my ass" after one date. And you will certainly regret your actions if your common sense leaves you and you head down that path.

Trust and compromise are the keys to this journey of adventure and unfortunately it takes time. You have lots of experiences ahead of you so take your time and savor the experience.

Go out on some dates and dive into the pool of vanilla sex. Get comfortable and you will begin to explore what makes you feel good and what makes your partner feel good.

Then you can dip your toe into the deep end and start to push the boundries and explore all the stuff you have read about or seen. Some of it will blow your mind and some of it won't work for you. Hopefully you'll have a willing and enthusiatic partner to experiment with. Good luck.

 

[subwannabe]

I too have to say that I admire you. As a matter of fact, you are a lot like me. I have actually had very few sexual partners and I would sometimes go for years without a partner. I have been married for quite a while now but I can certainly relate to your feelings. I often feel like I missed out on a lot of great sex and feel jealous when I hear some stories but then I look at many other people and am so grateful I didn't just buckle and cave in to my desires and gone through all the troubles that they have. It really isn't worth it.

I too reached a point in my life where I finally decided I needed someone but not just for sex. I went to the racetrack one day and made a deal with myself that if I won I would try a matchmaking service. Since I usually lost I really didn't worry about it much. I'll be damned If I won several hundred dollars that day, enough to pay for the service, which was pretty expensive. I felt like it was some kind of omen. The service didn't really work out in finding someone steady but it did get the ball rolling and I tried other similar things which were less expensive and they eventually paid off. I would concentrate on finding a way to meet people and date and not worry so much about the sex. Most men are horndogs anyway so you would be a great catch (sexually speaking). Sometimes you just have to throw yourself in the water but don't compromise your values in doing it. Good luck.

 

[pplwatching]

I often feel like I missed out on a lot of great sex and feel jealous when I hear some stories.

I was sitting in the Dr's waiting room today, reading Readers Digest, and saw this quote "Jealousy is all the fun you think they're having." I have forgotten who said it, but it sprang to mind when I read your post

 

[KokopelliRises]

I was sitting in the Dr's waiting room today, reading Readers Digest, and saw this quote "Jealousy is all the fun you think they're having." I have forgotten who said it, but it sprang to mind when I read your post

That is just so true.