Complicated Question

[LaLover]

Okay, here is my situation. I am married. I have a very loving relationship, but my husband is not into the BDSM lifestyle. When it comes to sex he is a very gentle lover and doesn't want to cause any pain what so ever.

My problem is this, I used to be interested in learning this lifestyle. I have a lot of control in my life and want to get away from it a little bit. My husband doesn't want to do anything that might cause me pain, even if I ask him to. When I think of a person dominating me, it isn't him I have in my head.

So, I guess the question is, how do you continue your happy marriage, but still get what you want when it comes to BDSM? I don't want to cheat on him, but I don't know how to get my desires. I have talked to him and he simply says it isn't his cup of tea and he can't do it. I have been agonizing this for weeks. I so want to have someone fulfill my fantasy, and have someone in mind, but I don't know how to bring it up to my husband without causing him pain.

Any suggestions?

 

[vibes]

well, it seems you've told him already and he replied: it's up to you now

 

[snowy ciara]

Discuss polyamory with him. Being poly is hard work and requires honest negotiotion between all parties. (That's you, your husband and any potential lovers.) Perhaps in your case, you wouldn't present it as having another lover like him, it would be seeking Dom/me to take care of your less vanilla needs. If he is not comfortable with letting you seek to meet your needs this way, you have three difficult choices. You can cheat, with all the risks and hope he never finds out and when he does, hope you can work it out. (Not if, because from what I've seen, cheaters usually DO get caught.) You can stay with him, and not cheat and rely on fantasy and masturbation to meet your needs, which works for many. Or you can seperate, as you're not getting what you need in your current situation. I guess you're going to have to do a lot of soul searching and decide if your desires are strong enough that you're willing to end, or risk ending your marriage. It's a tough spot to be in.

Best of luck and I hope it works out well for everyone involved.

 

[LaLover]

When we have discussed polyamory, he says he would be fine with it if he has a girlfriend first, but refuses to go look for one.

I am all game for him to have a girlfriend. Especially since I desire to have this part of my life not neglected....heh...

 

[snowy ciara]

Please don't take this the wrong way then, but..

It sounds like you might have already made your decision to cheat (in order to get your needs met and not cause him "pain") and you're not comfortable with it, so you seek some sort of reassurance or approval.

Again, best of luck to you and your husband.

 

[LaLover]

Not planning on cheating, just looking for a way to convince him that I have desires too....

Sorry to mislead you.

And thanks for the help.....

 

[agibean]

Not sure I have any advice

But I can't help but wonder how you and your husband did not know about this incompatibility before you were married. Although I met my Husband in a vanilla setting, I didn't even pursue a relationship without telling him early on about my BDSM needs. Had he not been on board with that and all it entails, I'd have moved on.

It seems to me that your husband is not going to come around on this. Since you either didn't know or didn't discuss BEFORE the wedding, you're either stuck with him, you cheat on him, or you leave him for someone who will be your partner in more ways than he can be.

I know a couple in people in open marriages and they work. Well. But it takes complete honesty and hard work for that to happen. In Seattle, there are even discussion and support groups for polymorous people, as well as a wonderful play space for the BDSM aspect. If you look into what your own area has to offer, maybe you can find some help there.

It's a tough situation to be in-I wish you luck.

 

[LaLover]

Thank you. I will look into my area.

It was discussed, but it was one of those things that I decided I could surpress for him. Il oved him, still love him completely, but it seems the urge has hit me. Heh. Took several years since I supressed it for him. Heh

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you. I will look into my area.

It was discussed, but it was one of those things that I decided I could surpress for him. Il oved him, still love him completely, but it seems the urge has hit me. Heh. Took several years since I supressed it for him. Heh

I didn't know I was into BDSM until a couple of years ago. So I didn't tell my husband about any of that before we got married cause I didn't know myself well enough.

Might I ask what it is that you want specifically from BDSM? I mean it can be so many things. If you want to get into some of the activities, but for you, it doesn't have to include sex, a local group or club could possibly help you out some. Then you'd been a hot and ready to come home to your husband maybe. He'd know you were fucking around. That's just one idea.

Now your husband could just never get into what you want but how much detail have you given him? Have you just said you are interested in BDSM or have you said, specifically, that you would like to be, for instance, tied up, or spanked or whatever. The reason why I ask is that a lot of people you tell them BDSM and their minds go off in a whole different and sometimes, more negative direction than you were thinking.

Whatever you end up doing if you love him and he loves you, keep the communication open about it all. I believe any number of options can work if both people are honest, communicate and they both, truly want the other person to be fulfilled.

Good luck to you both,

Fury

 

[LaLover]

Yeah, I have told him. My curiousity about it is the pain aspect. In past relationships, I never got too far in it, just a little biting here and there. I want to explore that more. He says he can't purposly hurt me. He doesn't want me to get hurt so he can't do it. He has tried the biting, but he says he can't do it hard.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will look into those and see where it goes. I have kept a good line of communication up. I don't want this to go without trying so I have told him everything he has asked.

I started sexual roleplaying on here because he said it was okay and no harm done. I think that might help....I hope.

 

[FurryFury]

Yeah, I have told him. My curiousity about it is the pain aspect. In past relationships, I never got too far in it, just a little biting here and there. I want to explore that more. He says he can't purposly hurt me. He doesn't want me to get hurt so he can't do it. He has tried the biting, but he says he can't do it hard.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will look into those and see where it goes. I have kept a good line of communication up. I don't want this to go without trying so I have told him everything he has asked.

I started sexual roleplaying on here because he said it was okay and no harm done. I think that might help....I hope.

One thing that helped my husband some was me calling it sensation and pleasurable not painful. Another thing was seeing what some of the things he did tried did for me, how hot it got me, how wet and all that stuff.

I think online SRP can help in some ways. However I think the more you focus on these needs the more you build the fire for them too, you know?

Every now and then I find myself in a "sub frenzy" and miserable until I get that need addressed in some way that I need.

Keeping your communication going both ways is a very important thing for any relationship but when scary seeming changes are happening in the relationship or with one partner it is even more important so good for you in that area and keep that up no matter what.

Fury

 

[LunarKitten]

Okay, here is my situation. I am married. I have a very loving relationship, but my husband is not into the BDSM lifestyle. When it comes to sex he is a very gentle lover and doesn't want to cause any pain what so ever.

My problem is this, I used to be interested in learning this lifestyle. I have a lot of control in my life and want to get away from it a little bit. My husband doesn't want to do anything that might cause me pain, even if I ask him to. When I think of a person dominating me, it isn't him I have in my head.

So, I guess the question is, how do you continue your happy marriage, but still get what you want when it comes to BDSM? I don't want to cheat on him, but I don't know how to get my desires. I have talked to him and he simply says it isn't his cup of tea and he can't do it. I have been agonizing this for weeks. I so want to have someone fulfill my fantasy, and have someone in mind, but I don't know how to bring it up to my husband without causing him pain.

Any suggestions?

Have you asked him how he feels about you starting a sexual, or nonsexual, relationship with a top? Maybe he would be more willing if he had veto rights to the relationship you choose.

 

[SirFace]

Sooo, hes your husband and loves you and wants you to be happy and youve told him what you need and want and he wont do it? So hes saying that he wont please you because of his own hangups? He needs help, not you. Sorry to be so blunt but I just found out the same thing and I'm chomping at the bit to please her. Granted, I am enjoying it immensly and am totally into it now myself but if I wasnt, I would still try real hard and not just blow it off and ask for a girlfriend. ???

 

[the captians wench]

Sooo, hes your husband and loves you and wants you to be happy and youve told him what you need and want and he wont do it? So hes saying that he wont please you because of his own hangups? He needs help, not you. Sorry to be so blunt but I just found out the same thing and I'm chomping at the bit to please her. Granted, I am enjoying it immensly and am totally into it now myself but if I wasnt, I would still try real hard and not just blow it off and ask for a girlfriend. ???

it's not always that easy. I've been asked to top for some one and the idea really scares the crap out of me. I'm looking into it because I care for them, but I'm very reluctant. One issue is, you can beat me till I'm black and blue and I'm a happy kitty, but the idea of inflicting pain on some one else just breaks my heart. My ex asked this of me a couple of year ago, and I timidly agreed (this was way before i discoverd my own BDSM fantisies). I got into it, really got into it. But the second he cried out in real pain I just snapped and I was a pile of tears balled up on the floor. I just couldn't stand the idea that I hurt him. Because of that experence I'm still very timid to agree to top again.

Granted the fact that he's not even willing to try once or look into it at least does not speak highly for him.

 

[FurryFury]

Sometimes these sorts of ideas take time and exquisite care to get someone's head around.

Someone here once on another thread about having a 'nilla spouse, why is it so hard to believe that we shouldn't try to change someone and so easy to believe that they should change for us this way just because we want them too?

Now as a submissive people pleasing type of person, it's hard to understand why someone wouldn't try to please their loved one. OTOH, I can totally see how it might not be fair to expect my loved one to do this sort of thing for me just because I suddenly realized I wanted or needed it. Honestly, I wouldn't want him to do anything unless he were willing but I don't mind him trying things to please me, even though I feel guilty about it, because I would do and have for him.

Was that about as clear as mud or what?

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sooo, hes your husband and loves you and wants you to be happy and youve told him what you need and want and he wont do it? So hes saying that he wont please you because of his own hangups? He needs help, not you. Sorry to be so blunt but I just found out the same thing and I'm chomping at the bit to please her. Granted, I am enjoying it immensly and am totally into it now myself but if I wasnt, I would still try real hard and not just blow it off and ask for a girlfriend. ???

So why does his doing as she wants despite his own feelings and desires equal love, while it doesn't to expect her to do as he wants and to not pursue this path which are based on her feelings and desires? To me it is the same thing, only made different by who asked who first. Love should never mean changing who you are to please another, it should be about loving a person for who they are, not who you want to make them. Compromise is good, exploring together is great, but if one person decides they want/need something which goes against who you are in character, personality, make up, the best most can hope for is an imitation of what they envision you should be, not the real deal...and what happens in 5 years or so when they decide they are bored with that and want to flip you into being some one else again?

I think to be in a relationship successfully you have to first know yourself and be comfortable. Changing purely to please another is not fair to either person, and if it means adopting a role you are not comfortable with just to please, they are still not getting what they asked for, they are getting role play. I guess what I am trying to say is it is great if your SO suggests trying something and it actually opens something up for you that you had buried or had been lying dormant, but in areas such as D/s, to do it just to please another is not only giving up who you are because you feel you have to for whatever reason, but is also defeating the whole purpose of D/s as in one person being Dominant, the other submissive...or at least is reversing the roles covertly to appear to be correct on an overt level.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

These things usually do not work out. One of you will end up living a lie. One of you will end up compromising yourself for the other.

And perhaps your spouse knows himself well enough to know that this just is not for him. Why does he HAVE to try this if he already knows himself? Has anyone thought of that?

Rhetorically speaking, you can't change people. You can't make someone be or feel somthing they just aren't capable of or that goes against how they are made up inside.

Life is a series of sacrifices and trade-offs. Everyday we make choices, one over the other. And so it goes with this... You choose to stay in "a loving relationship" and lock up your fantasies and desires forever or you take another path.

 

[chris9]

Before starting a relationship with a Dominant you should think about how it will affect you, and your relationship with your husband.
I know that if I had a Dom on the side, a D/s relationship AND a vanilla relationship, one would come short, most probably the vanilla one. If I do intimate stuff with someone, and that's the intimate stuff I really really crave, and there's an emotional bond between me and said Dominant, I believe I would very soon not care enough about the vanilla relationship to keep it going, to invest any time, work, anything.


On another note, if your husband says he's allright with you having a boyfriend, if he gets to have a girlfriend first, and then doesn't do anything to find one, he might not be ready for you to have another man in your life.

 

[Hester]

When we have discussed polyamory, he says he would be fine with it if he has a girlfriend first, but refuses to go look for one.

I am all game for him to have a girlfriend. Especially since I desire to have this part of my life not neglected....heh...

i agree that you can't change someone into being who they are not. but the issue of opening the relationship is where he is open to change but where he seems not to be doing anything that would help satisfy your needs in a way that would allow your relationship with him to continue.

 

[FurryFury]

Knowing oneself while a laudable goal is the exception IMO rather than the rule. Yet most people are in relationships anyway. I know myself pretty well yet there are, I believe many things I still do not know. If I had to wait for that to be in a relationship, I'd stay single.

Fury

 

[A Desert Rose]

I don't see why he should be viewed as a cad for not wanting to be part of this... whatever it is she wants him to be part of.

You can't force someone to be something they are not. And if he KNOWS this is not for him, then 'nuff said.

I was married for a LOT of years. I know about relationships. And I no sooner want to be forced into "trying" vanilla again, than he seems to want to be forced into being a Dom.

If he says he's not able/interested in this, there's nothing more to be said or done. Whatever happens or decisions made inside their marriage after that, is between them. She's the one with the problem here, her needs aren't being met. And to blame him for that is really, I think way out of line, since no one here knows WHAT he really feels or thinks.

But then, that's just my opinion. ;-)

edited to add this:

... My husband doesn't want to do anything that might cause me pain, even if I ask him to. When I think of a person dominating me, it isn't him I have in my head.

This in itself is a very telling statement. I know from previous experience just how this feels and how painful it is for her. She is in a very difficult place.

 

[O'Mac]

Yeah, I have told him. My curiousity about it is the pain aspect. In past relationships, I never got too far in it, just a little biting here and there. I want to explore that more. He says he can't purposly hurt me. He doesn't want me to get hurt so he can't do it. He has tried the biting, but he says he can't do it hard.

I think some women could only wish they had the same husband as you. Admittedly, it frustrates you in a more sexual sense, but I applaud your husband's attitude. I wouldn't adovcate making any gran ultimatums or forcing him into something that he's not prepared for, but I used to have the same sort of point of view before. It took a little time, but eventually I overcame the mental barrier that prevented me from stricking someone in an intimate manner. I think once the realisation sets in that nobody is being "hurt" in a disabling way, he might grow to like it.

COMMUNICATE THIS WITH HIM!

 

[MechaBlade]

You can't force someone to be something they are not. And if he KNOWS this is not for him, then 'nuff said.

That's true, even though I don't know why he wouldn't do some light bdsm. I doesn't hurt him, and he shouldn't even have to be hard during it. Being a mediocre dom or domme seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world.

The only non-divorce, non-cheating option I see is to find a dom who agrees not to penetrate you and make sure he's okay with this relationship, even though it doesn't involve sex. I imagine there are men willing to dominate a chick even if they know they can't fuck her. Hell, I'd do it, if you were decent-looking.

 

[SirFace]

So why does his doing as she wants despite his own feelings and desires equal love, while it doesn't to expect her to do as he wants and to not pursue this path which are based on her feelings and desires? To me it is the same thing, only made different by who asked who first. Love should never mean changing who you are to please another, it should be about loving a person for who they are, not who you want to make them. Compromise is good, exploring together is great, but if one person decides they want/need something which goes against who you are in character, personality, make up, the best most can hope for is an imitation of what they envision you should be, not the real deal...and what happens in 5 years or so when they decide they are bored with that and want to flip you into being some one else again?

I think to be in a relationship successfully you have to first know yourself and be comfortable. Changing purely to please another is not fair to either person, and if it means adopting a role you are not comfortable with just to please, they are still not getting what they asked for, they are getting role play. I guess what I am trying to say is it is great if your SO suggests trying something and it actually opens something up for you that you had buried or had been lying dormant, but in areas such as D/s, to do it just to please another is not only giving up who you are because you feel you have to for whatever reason, but is also defeating the whole purpose of D/s as in one person being Dominant, the other submissive...or at least is reversing the roles covertly to appear to be correct on an overt level.

Catalina

As usual, my intent didnt come across with my words. I also dont think its fair to ask someone to change who they are, but how can someone KNOW they dont like something without giving it an honest open try? Like 3 weeks. Ive found in the field testing I do for my job, that it takes 3 weeks of doing something different or using different tools before you can make a good judgement on whether you like something or not. My post was intended to show that.

I doubt anyone can make that judgement so quickly in this area without some experience with it.

How do you know you dont like spinach if youve never tried it?

Maybe I am not the norm but my case is a perfect example.

 

[SirFace]

I don't see why he should be viewed as a cad for not wanting to be part of this... whatever it is she wants him to be part of

You can't force someone to be something they are not. And if he KNOWS this is not for him, then 'nuff said.

I was married for a LOT of years. I know about relationships. And I no sooner want to be forced into "trying" vanilla again, than he seems to want to be forced into being a Dom.

If he says he's not able/interested in this, there's nothing more to be said or done. Whatever happens or decisions made inside their marriage after that, is between them. She's the one with the problem here, her needs aren't being met. And to blame him for that is really, I think way out of line, since no one here knows WHAT he really feels or thinks.

But then, that's just my opinion. ;-)

edited to add this:

This in itself is a very telling statement. I know from previous experience just how this feels and how painful it is for her. She is in a very difficult place.

Ask Crazy how wrong she was when she felt the same thing, that I couldnt/wouldnt be her Dom.

And, as painful as it would have been to me, I would have left her I found out that lifestyle wasnt for me and I couldnt do it from the soul. I wouldnt have asked her to change who she is anymore than I could have myself. But how would I have ever known if I didnt give it an honest try.