Comparing and contrasting two different ways to write a scene

[caleb35]

Inspired by a recent thread by @AG31, I came up with a scene and wrote two different paragraphs of that scene, the first emphasizing inner monologue, the second just describing actions:

1) "While Paige waited at the coffee house for Toni to show, she ruminated on their relationship. For weeks she'd been consumed by the thought that Toni had stopped caring about her. She had seemed distant recently, not engaging in conversation, rarely even wanting sex. If Paige knew what was troubling Toni, she'd fix it. If she knew what to say to Toni, she'd say it. She sipped her coffee and thought about how sad that it was that relationships invariably came to an end. Everything is so bright and beautiful at the beginning but as time wears on, the ardor fades, humdrum monotony replaces fanciful spontaneity. It was such a tragedy that love fades but that was the reality. As Paige dwelt on that fact, her sadness gave way to anger. If Toni didn’t feel as strongly for Paige anymore, or if her feelings had entirely ended, that was one thing, but she should still be honest with Paige about it. She should come out and say that was the case instead of leaving Paige dangling on. Paige silently committed to confronting Toni soon if Toni didn’t broach the subject first."

2) "Paige sat down at the dingy table, in view of the street and the front door, her coffee mug clattering against the saucer underneath. Toni had told her to meet her here but there was no sign of her. She checked the time and then checked to see if Toni had sent any recent texts; she hadn't. Paige sipped from her coffee which was still too hot, and which sloshed over the lip of the mug. She didn't know why baristas kept filling them almost to the top so often. She tapped her fingernails against the old table which was badly in need of refinishing and looked around the high-ceiling room. She looked at all the local art pieces hanging on the walls, her lip curling in increasing disgust as she took in one piece after another. She looked at a single man at another table writing on a laptop, then at a woman reading a book on the couch. Outside passerby walked by the window, a woman pushed a baby in a pram, but there was no Toni. Paige checked the time again but only a couple of minutes had passed. There were no new texts."


Is one paragraph "better" than the other? Do they have separate strengths/weaknesses? Are they both equal in terms of conveying Paige's emotions and mental state? When you write, which approach do you take -- do you like getting into the heads of your characters and allowing them to voice their thoughts, or do you prefer to act as an outside observer, and let your choice of what to relate about the character dictate how the reader views them?

 

[JayHawnee]

In my eyes:

(1) hits the mind of the reader, it focuses heavily on reflection and reasoning of the protagonist.

(2) hits the emotions of the reader, as it heavily focuses on physical sensations and atmosphere.

To increase the impact on the reader you could probably take (1) and rewrite the key emotional beats in the way of (2), especially the moment when: "her sadness gave way to anger". That feels like a very important moment and could benefit from more visceral and sensory language.

 

[SmilingLez]

Inspired by a recent thread by @AG31, I came up with a scene and wrote two different paragraphs of that scene, the first emphasizing inner monologue, the second just describing actions:

1) "While Paige waited at the coffee house for Toni to show, she ruminated on their relationship. For weeks she'd been consumed by the thought that Toni had stopped caring about her. She had seemed distant recently, not engaging in conversation, rarely even wanting sex. If Paige knew what was troubling Toni, she'd fix it. If she knew what to say to Toni, she'd say it. She sipped her coffee and thought about how sad that it was that relationships invariably came to an end. Everything is so bright and beautiful at the beginning but as time wears on, the ardor fades, humdrum monotony replaces fanciful spontaneity. It was such a tragedy that love fades but that was the reality. As Paige dwelt on that fact, her sadness gave way to anger. If Toni didn’t feel as strongly for Paige anymore, or if her feelings had entirely ended, that was one thing, but she should still be honest with Paige about it. She should come out and say that was the case instead of leaving Paige dangling on. Paige silently committed to confronting Toni soon if Toni didn’t broach the subject first."

2) "Paige sat down at the dingy table, in view of the street and the front door, her coffee mug clattering against the saucer underneath. Toni had told her to meet her here but there was no sign of her. She checked the time and then checked to see if Toni had sent any recent texts; she hadn't. Paige sipped from her coffee which was still too hot, and which sloshed over the lip of the mug. She didn't know why baristas kept filling them almost to the top so often. She tapped her fingernails against the old table which was badly in need of refinishing and looked around the high-ceiling room. She looked at all the local art pieces hanging on the walls, her lip curling in increasing disgust as she took in one piece after another. She looked at a single man at another table writing on a laptop, then at a woman reading a book on the couch. Outside passerby walked by the window, a woman pushed a baby in a pram, but there was no Toni. Paige checked the time again but only a couple of minutes had passed. There were no new texts."


Is one paragraph "better" than the other? Do they have separate strengths/weaknesses? Are they both equal in terms of conveying Paige's emotions and mental state? When you write, which approach do you take -- do you like getting into the heads of your characters and allowing them to voice their thoughts, or do you prefer to act as an outside observer, and let your choice of what to relate about the character dictate how the reader views them?

I prefer paragraph two because it puts me in the story versus being an outsider looking in - Show me v Tell me. YMMV

 

[BeechLeaf]

Of course neither is better than the other. Either could be used to express the strong emotions at that point. But as they're so different in their construction, at some point you'd need to switch (however briefly) to a bit of the other style. Style (1) continued indefinitely would become indulgent, while style (2) would keep on hiding things that eventually needed to be expressed in a burst.

 

[ElectricBlue]

In my eyes:

(1) hits the mind of the reader, it focuses heavily on reflection and reasoning of the protagonist.

(2) hits the emotions of the reader, as it heavily focuses on physical sensations and atmosphere.

To increase the impact on the reader you could probably take (1) and rewrite the key emotional beats in the way of (2), especially the moment when: "her sadness gave way to anger". That feels like a very important moment and could benefit from more visceral and sensory language.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

Sample one is an infodump, telling us what's going on, it's more like reporting. Sample two is evocative, emotional, we can feel what's going on, starting to feel her visceral response to the absence. I'd stay with a story written #2, not so grabbed by #1.

 

[AG31]

Inspired by a recent thread by @AG31, I came up with a scene and wrote two different paragraphs of that scene, the first emphasizing inner monologue, the second just describing actions:

1) "While Paige waited at the coffee house for Toni to show, she ruminated on their relationship. For weeks she'd been consumed by the thought that Toni had stopped caring about her. She had seemed distant recently, not engaging in conversation, rarely even wanting sex. If Paige knew what was troubling Toni, she'd fix it. If she knew what to say to Toni, she'd say it. She sipped her coffee and thought about how sad that it was that relationships invariably came to an end. Everything is so bright and beautiful at the beginning but as time wears on, the ardor fades, humdrum monotony replaces fanciful spontaneity. It was such a tragedy that love fades but that was the reality. As Paige dwelt on that fact, her sadness gave way to anger. If Toni didn’t feel as strongly for Paige anymore, or if her feelings had entirely ended, that was one thing, but she should still be honest with Paige about it. She should come out and say that was the case instead of leaving Paige dangling on. Paige silently committed to confronting Toni soon if Toni didn’t broach the subject first."

2) "Paige sat down at the dingy table, in view of the street and the front door, her coffee mug clattering against the saucer underneath. Toni had told her to meet her here but there was no sign of her. She checked the time and then checked to see if Toni had sent any recent texts; she hadn't. Paige sipped from her coffee which was still too hot, and which sloshed over the lip of the mug. She didn't know why baristas kept filling them almost to the top so often. She tapped her fingernails against the old table which was badly in need of refinishing and looked around the high-ceiling room. She looked at all the local art pieces hanging on the walls, her lip curling in increasing disgust as she took in one piece after another. She looked at a single man at another table writing on a laptop, then at a woman reading a book on the couch. Outside passerby walked by the window, a woman pushed a baby in a pram, but there was no Toni. Paige checked the time again but only a couple of minutes had passed. There were no new texts."


Is one paragraph "better" than the other? Do they have separate strengths/weaknesses? Are they both equal in terms of conveying Paige's emotions and mental state? When you write, which approach do you take -- do you like getting into the heads of your characters and allowing them to voice their thoughts, or do you prefer to act as an outside observer, and let your choice of what to relate about the character dictate how the reader views them?

Fascinating. Fun! I don't think one is better than the other. You could go with either. The stories would be different, of course.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'd probably aim for something that's about 80% of #2 and 20% of #1.

Reading #2 on its own would leave me unsure about the nature of their relationship - is Toni a friend, a sibling, a roommate, something else? A scrap of "tell" would clarify that and make it easier for me to interpret the "show" elsewhere.

 

[yowser]

Neither of these work well for me. No. 1 is introspective, but far too internal to clue me in to a real understanding. And going on too long in this vein is going to have me feeling this narrator lives far too deep into her head to end up being the slightest bit appealing.

No. 2 benefits from outside, physical descriptions and hints at the narrator's mindset (hints almost always are better than straight-on descriptions of internal states) but leaves out the important elements represented in the first, the crisis of a relationship.

I think it possible to combine some of the agony and questioning in the first, with the external aggravations of the second. I know these are meant to be set-ups, and a lot depends on what happens next. Your reader will have (ought to have anyway, if you have done your job as a writer) questions about the narrator and the central theme. Done well, you want to extend those questions, develop a nuance to them, tease out the various possibilities, so that the reader is going 'okay! what's next? what am I going to find out here? please keep going...'

 

[Lifestyle66]

Inspired by a recent thread by @AG31, I came up with a scene and wrote two different paragraphs of that scene, the first emphasizing inner monologue, the second just describing actions:

1) "While Paige waited at the coffee house for Toni to show, she ruminated on their relationship. For weeks she'd been consumed by the thought that Toni had stopped caring about her. She had seemed distant recently, not engaging in conversation, rarely even wanting sex. If Paige knew what was troubling Toni, she'd fix it. If she knew what to say to Toni, she'd say it. She sipped her coffee and thought about how sad that it was that relationships invariably came to an end. Everything is so bright and beautiful at the beginning but as time wears on, the ardor fades, humdrum monotony replaces fanciful spontaneity. It was such a tragedy that love fades but that was the reality. As Paige dwelt on that fact, her sadness gave way to anger. If Toni didn’t feel as strongly for Paige anymore, or if her feelings had entirely ended, that was one thing, but she should still be honest with Paige about it. She should come out and say that was the case instead of leaving Paige dangling on. Paige silently committed to confronting Toni soon if Toni didn’t broach the subject first."

2) "Paige sat down at the dingy table, in view of the street and the front door, her coffee mug clattering against the saucer underneath. Toni had told her to meet her here but there was no sign of her. She checked the time and then checked to see if Toni had sent any recent texts; she hadn't. Paige sipped from her coffee which was still too hot, and which sloshed over the lip of the mug. She didn't know why baristas kept filling them almost to the top so often. She tapped her fingernails against the old table which was badly in need of refinishing and looked around the high-ceiling room. She looked at all the local art pieces hanging on the walls, her lip curling in increasing disgust as she took in one piece after another. She looked at a single man at another table writing on a laptop, then at a woman reading a book on the couch. Outside passerby walked by the window, a woman pushed a baby in a pram, but there was no Toni. Paige checked the time again but only a couple of minutes had passed. There were no new texts."


Is one paragraph "better" than the other? Do they have separate strengths/weaknesses? Are they both equal in terms of conveying Paige's emotions and mental state? When you write, which approach do you take -- do you like getting into the heads of your characters and allowing them to voice their thoughts, or do you prefer to act as an outside observer, and let your choice of what to relate about the character dictate how the reader views them?

Paragraph 2 puts the reader sitting in the scene with the external stream of sensory perceptions. But it missed the mark by forgetting to explain WHY Paige is so anxious for Toni to arrive. It doesn't say anything about the relationship issue. Maybe adding a thought about the man typing on the laptop seeming so lonely and distant, as a comparison for her feelings with Toni's distance, and lack of arrival on time leaving her dangling would be enough to tell us that part of their relationship.

 

[caleb35]

Thank you all for your comments and opinions. There's been some good feedback and discussion in this thread.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

the two passages are hardly equivalent, so comparing them is comparing apples with oranges. they talk about different things.

also, while the first is honest about the narrator knowing the character, the second masquerades as objective, while failing miserably.

 

[ADirtyPerv]

To me, #1 feels like too much internal thought, #2 feels like too much external, to the point that it feels forced.

HOWEVER... What if you switched #2 to be from Toni's perspective? Like they got the cafe wrong, and they're both waiting for each other, and you can hear the narrative voice of each person, and really feel the difference between them. It's immediately fascinating, if you trim each passage a bit.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Sample 2 is much better. It's much more immersive and let's the reader put two and two together. However, if you wanted to get across the fading relationship aspect, that is missing from 2 so you could mix a little of that in.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

Both have merits. Both seem a little rushed.

You clearly want to write something that involves a degree of introspection on the part of the character. It's more explicit in your first sample, but it's there in the second as well.

This is perhaps the most interesting line, for me: "She didn't know why baristas kept filling them almost to the top so often."

It feels like you're hedging here to get the reader through the moment with as little friction as possible. The underlined bits can go, and the line would be stronger. Strong enough to stand on its own. Also, didn't she "know" or didn't she understand, or does it simply annoy her?

If the thought is, "Ugh, I don't know why they insist on filling them to the top," that seems to convey irritation, but then we don't see her get irritated. She ponders. In the previous sentence, the coffee sloshes over the lip. The next logical step is to clean up the spill, which, in her state of mind, could be extremely annoying. As it stands, you let the moment pass seamlessly to the next. It flows too smoothly.

Current state: "My date isn't here. My coffee cup is too full. Why? The artworks are bad. There are other people here. I don't have any texts."

Ideal state: "Ugh, my date seems to be standing me up, I just spilt my coffee because the idiot barista overfilled the cup, these artworks are awful (why did I pick this place), and I'm not getting any feedback from the person I love as to why she is late."

If you want to include the people-watching to set the scene, do it earlier in the sequence.

 

[anthrodisiac]

It really depends where in the story you are for this. If it's the opening, you probably want to go with a mix of the two, leaning more toward the first. If you're later in the story, and it's more of a cerebral piece, then 1 is definitely better.

I have two issues with 2. The first is that its sentence structure is fairly monotonous. Every sentence is noun-action except for the very last one. It's also more "woman sitting in place waiting for friend," in a way that doesn't really give me much insight into her character, except that she comes across bitter and angry.

Which leads to my second issue: While both give me that angry vibe, the first one is much more nuanced in a way where I feel for the character vs. the second one, which seems more like her anger is specific to her character. In 1, it's clear the anger is coming from a place of grief and sadness. In 2, it seems like she's just angry for no real reason. She's unlikable and unsympathetic in 2, whereas in 1 we can understand her pain.

If you were to start with 2, and then lead into the scene with that, you risk the reader not wanting to take her side, and they'll cast her as the antagonist in whatever interaction plays out next. You want to strike a balance between making her relatable, her anger at least somewhat justified, and us sympathetic to her pain. The first one does this far better than the second.

Shockingly, you're going to get different opinions from different writers.