Communication

[Soron]

First of all I want to thank cym for suggesting a place to put this. You can go to ‘New Faces’ and read a bit about me, and my other half of this relationship. If this post helps just one person then all of this will be worthwhile. For me it helps to talk about it and deal with my mistakes. And, hopefully learn and grow from it.
Okay, the scenario, it’s basically a two day weekend, for us to see if what we have is real or imagined. It’s been three months online for two people who have never done this. Skin to skin is all we know. We said from the beginning that the only way we would attempt this relationship was with a real life goal in mind. Online felt fake. I always have her respect, and her love, that I do feel over the net. We haven’t and we won’t cyber. Because she has trouble with background noises on the phone that’s out too, pretty much. We try to keep it as real as possible. But, we talked and we talked. About real issues. And some play talk as well. We planned a meeting for July and I flew to her.
Right now I could start making excuses for how wrong the weekend went. She was exhausted when she picked me up at the airport. As was I. It stood 10 o’clock at night and we still had a five- hour drive ahead of us. I should have done what my instincts told me to do. Put our butts to bed and sleep for a few hours. Instead, we ate and got on the road. We talked some but not enough about more important things. Because of some her history I was determined not to push too hard. I should have as it turned out given her more credit. Because in the over all process of the weekend. I pushed very little.
She got an hour’s sleep and I got around fifteen minutes when we arrived at our destination. Some friends were working a Renaissance Faire and we originally were going to the Faire and then sleeping in their tent that night.
By the end of the day we were fried. She fainted from heat stroke towards the end. And so it went. No feeling of a D/s relationship between us for the most part and I simply worried too much about her. We got a room and showered and went to dinner with our friends. Still very little communication.
We went to the room, we got dressed for bed. She showed me some pictures of her life and some of her art and then something special happened. It didn’t involve sex, but was special nonetheless.
Sunday came though and it was more of the same. We were both confused. I was afraid of hurting her emotionally. In the process I didn’t give her what she needed the most, me.
It was like taking two steps backwards. When I boarded that plane I felt that was it. I got home exhausted and emotionally drained. This was the woman I loved and I couldn’t give myself to her, or she to me. Yet, we were still the same people. The bottom line is it had to start with me and it didn’t.
I got home, I took a shower and turned on the computer. And there she was. After I’d told her to go home and sleep she was worried about me and wanted to talk. She thought it was something she had done. We stayed up until four o’clock in the morning chatting. Trying to make sense of it all. The next day I called a trusted friend, a Dom. He told me this did not sound like the person he knew. I had never given away my confidence like that before. He also told me if I was a switch he would strap me down and punish me for this.
Because I admitted my mistake to her, and that little bit of time we had together, and of course her love for me, we are moving on. And still talking. We are progressing again and we are planning our next meeting in September.
I broke one of the rules that spills out of my mouth regularly, communication. You can’t let feelings, no matter how strong, get in the way of doing what’s best for someone.
I do hope someone can learn something from this. I have. I welcome any and all responses. Including those who know us both, and mo (bluemouse), who I love so completely.

 

[morninggirl5]

Soron, thank you so much for sharing.

So many times, i've been told i'm a loving and patient Dom. My response has been, i need patience, but i need to be pushed, too.

Finding that balance, maneuvering along that high wire is difficult indeed. Learning to do so takes time, knowledge, and above all, i think, experience. Hopefully some of the rest of us can learn from your experience as we try to find that balance.

 

[cymbidia]

We all know about the holy word "communication". We know we have to have that, to do it, to be good BDSM type folks. We know that if we don't do it with our partner, then there's no room or space or place in which trust can take root and grow.

We know that without that trust, based in honesty and communication, there's no possiblity of crafting a deeply meaningful D/s power exchange relationship.

And we all want one of those, don't we? I mean, that's why we're here, asking question after question, seeking validation and understanding for and of the strange perverted desires that overtake our dreams, sleeping and wakeful. We all want a real and meaningful and lasting love relationship with someone who is kinked in the same direction that we're kinked. We want to begin and maintain a lasting power-exchange relationships, one that is a love relationship, too, and a friendship.

In that respect, we've had so much heartbreak in this small community of late. There have been too many sad stories recently, too many of us who whispered quietly of what didn't work out, too many closed doors. We've had threads about the high percentage of BDSM marriages that don't make it and threads about an ending one of us is suffering through of something that seemed fine and strong. We've had threads about being stood-up and threads about the painful fragility of first hopes for a new relationship, hopes that were crushed not too much later.

We've been sad here, of late, in our real lives.

Are there no happy endings?

But here is Soron. He and mo were disappointed...but are working through it. He and mo violated that comunication rule...but are talking about now, before it's too late. He and mo are getting past it.

Maybe he and mo will have the chance that we all want: to move into the future, together.

The important thing to remember here, i think, is something we've all said over and over. It's a part of our cookie cutter recipe for BDSM Happiness: before it's BDSM, it's a human relationship.

Before the floggers and restraints come out, it's an emotional relationship between two fundamentally flawed people.

As we all work toward our version of a happily ever after future, let's remember that we're initiating human love relationships before we're crafting BDSM power exchange relationships. Alone, either is difficult to bring to fruition. Together, they take all our skills as lovers and friends and kinked folk to give the relationship even half a chance of thriving.

(In my mind there's no such thing, btw, as a "happily ever after" future. There is, however, a "happy-for-now" future, and that's the one which can go forever, one day at a time.)(The preceeding bit of philosophy is Risia's. I stole it from a phone convo we had tonight on this very subject.)

Soron, mo, i commend you for caring enough about each other to pick up the dropped reins of your comunication, and pick up where you left off. In the atmosphere of confusion and hurt over the visit not going as either of you had envisioned, it bespeaks a strong love and a commitment to find a future together.

Thank you for your honesty and your words, Soron. We need to hear the stumbles - but we need to hear the good stuff, too. We've had too much bad for too long.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Soron & mo--We all make mistakes, miscommunicate, and do hundreds of thoughtless or hurtful or dishonest or insensitive things to each other in our relationships, fledgling or long standing. Good for you both that you chose not to let a miscommunication be an unresolved ending, but made it into a life lesson and fresh beginning. I wish you all the best as you continue to get to know each other.

(cym, you stole my line, but then you attributed it. I feel, like, influential and stuff. )

 

[Shadowsdream]

Soron and mo

congratulations on the depth of your need to work through this moment.

The long hard look you have taken at what occured and what did not indicates that neither of you is blind to where you must go.

Looking to others for support and guidance shows your strength and resolve.

communication given and received is the magic.

 

[Soron]

Soron, mo, i commend you for caring enough about each other to pick up the dropped reins of your comunication, and pick up where you left off. In the atmosphere of confusion and hurt over the visit not going as either of you had envisioned, it bespeaks a strong love and a commitment to find a future together.

Thank you for your honesty and your words, Soron. We need to hear the stumbles - but we need to hear the good stuff, too. We've had too much bad for too long.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
cym, my hope is that in September I can come back and give you some good stuff to read. mo is incredible and I tend not be so bad either when I've got my head screwed on straight.

Risia and dream, thanks for taking the time to respond to this. It isn't an easy thing to admit you made a mistake. But, it makes it a whole lot easier when you admit it to people who care enough and who understand.

 

[CarolineOh]

Soron, I feel that by being open about your disappointment in yourself, both to mo , and here, on a public forum, you have shown us all, yourself included, your true makeup.
A good Dom is not someone who is perfect, who is totally perceptive and ideally communicative. No such animal exists. A good Dom is one who cares, with all his heart, for the well being of their submissive, and of themselves.And that is what your actions have shown. The depth of your love for mo is obvious, and I have faith that you will overcome your bumpy beginnings and that this first unhappy experience will not be something you merely get past, but will be a bonding experience that will forever remind you of the importance of honesty, openness, and above all, love.

 

[WillowPuss]

It isn't an easy thing to admit you made a mistake. But, it makes it a whole lot easier when you admit it to people who care enough and who understand.

Soron, thank you for sharing this.
It isn't easy to admit mistakes, and it takes a really good person, a big man, as it were, to do so.

I wish you and mo all the very best for your meeting in September. You seem to have something very special in the making.

 

[cellis]

Thank you Soron for sharing your story.

None of us are perfect, but we are human, all of us.

It takes a special person to talk about this kind of thing in a public forum.

You and mo will do just fine.

 

[kayte]

Soron and mo ~ Thinking back to the Saturday at the Ren Faire. Remembering how I felt I knew you both so well the first time we talked face to face that day. Remembering how tired you both looked. I knew of the long drive from chatting online with you Soron and wishing there was another way you could make the trip. I was just so glad to see you had made it safely.

I have rewritten this post so many times. Let's try again. I am so glad you are talking, communicating and that you will get together in September. Do I have any idea where? I know that when you do, there will be much to tell us. And it will be good.

I know you are not making excuses. I do know the lack of sleep, coupled with the travel, being with other people, even though in the know. and the overall emotional stress you both were under made it a difficult situation.

What do I know of the stress of meeting for the first time in real life? Well Soron, you and mo know that Master and I met for the first time about two weeks before. And like you and mo, He and I have distance as a problem. We had a few difficulties, but it worked out very well. Just so you know (and I guess anyone who reads this thread) we are working on getting together again in early August.

I do think it was the combination of things my friend. I agree with cym. After meeting you and spending time with the two of you I know the depth of commitment is there. And your willingness to share with all of us, lets us know what a loving, patient and yet strong Dom you are Sir.

Hugs and Kisses to you both.

 

[kkceohcs]

G'day

Soron, after reading the thread, I am in awe.

Expectations seem never to equal reality. Glad to hear you did not relent.

Mo is truly fortunate to have found you.

Kayte,-- I didn't know you did the Ren Faires too, what character are you.... Are you a sexy wench as well....then what do you do at the FAIRE?

Sorry, my humor again..

 

[kayte]

kk ~ I am not involved in the Ren Faire. I met Lee, KR, Soron and mo there and among other things we celebrated Lee's birthday. It was a very busy weekend.

Lee, and KR and I live close enough to each other and are hoping to get together for lunch this week.

I am also in awe of what Soron posted above. He and mo are wonderful together. I am confident it will all work out.

 

[kkceohcs]

My confusion

sorry, am asking and answering question on both threads....

 

[kkceohcs]

Soron

didnt mean to sidetrack your thread...

after 13 yrs. most heated vocal discussions resulted from the lack of communication.... and with the undiscussed expectations from each of us in the situations... She thought I was going to do 1 thing, I wasnt thinking that direction at all.

I was raised in a vocal family. yelled then it was over.

She was raised in a silent family. never talked about anything.

so I always think shes mad when shes quiet or not talking....

 

[SexyChele]

I do have to admire you for being able to come public with this. Not just as a demonstration of your character, but as a way to help others who may find themselves in the same position as you and mo.

I have to agree with cym. You need that emotional connectivity - a relationship at a human level - before you can continue into something more. The unfortunate consequence of long distance relationships is that we have a tendency to think that connectivity exists before we've met face to face. (This is not just directed at you, but also at my own self!)

I dont' know the whole story, and maybe I never will. That's cool. But it seems that there just wasn't enough time you two alone. I know the idea of spending time with friends, finally meeting face to face, can be thrilling and exciting. But, what I'm reading more than anything else, is that you two had more planned than either could handle. It seems to me (and I could really be off-base with this one), that there should have been less time with friends and more time with just you two. It's difficult to talk about truly deep matters when you are surrounded by others.

All I can really add is that I hope your meeting in September goes smoothly, and everything works out for the best!

 

[MotorCitySam]

Nothing truly worthwhile comes to us without effort in this life. It sounds like Soron and mo have something worth striving for together. Good luck to you both.

 

[kkceohcs]

Mornin' all

Soron, Chele,Motor, glad to see/meet ya.


Chele, I admire your writing. dont' think its approp. to pm just for that.

Soron, HoW u & mo doin today....

pretty much a bump to share your writings.......

 

[MsWorthy]

Talking it out is a wonderful way of solving problems.

"But, what I'm reading more than anything else, is that you two had more planned than either could handle. It seems to me (and I could really be off-base with this one), that there should have been less time with friends and more time with just you two. It's difficult to talk about truly deep matters when you are surrounded by others."

I agree completely with SexyChele. I understand the desire to share yourselves and your relationship with your friends, but in the beginning of a relationship- especially a first meeting - most of your time needs to be just the two of you, alone.

Because of the depth of intimacy needed to make a success of a bdsm relationship, a couple must devote much time to getting to know one another. This period is vital for bonding to occur. Each of you needs to know and feel that s/he is attractive, important, and committed (on some level) to the other. If this doesn't occur in the beginning stages of a relationship, the play will be all that holds you together.

The intitial nervousness that occurs when meeting someone for the first time can easily tempt a couple to plan too many activities in an effort to keep the awkward, silent times at bay. This is understandable as friends and stimulation (parties, etc.) act as an effective buffer, but a couple can miss the opportunity for bonding if they fail to work through the intitial awkwardness and not allow for enough time to rest.

Soron, you and your partner did a wonderful thing by admitting your mistakes and talking through them. You showed your character by admitting your fear and facing it. This is how we grow into the people we want to be, whether that be dom/me or sub.

 

[Soron]

Soron, I feel that by being open about your disappointment in yourself, both to mo , and here, on a public forum, you have shown us all, yourself included, your true makeup.
A good Dom is not someone who is perfect, who is totally perceptive and ideally communicative. No such animal exists. A good Dom is one who cares, with all his heart, for the well being of their submissive, and of themselves.And that is what your actions have shown. The depth of your love for mo is obvious, and I have faith that you will overcome your bumpy beginnings and that this first unhappy experience will not be something you merely get past, but will be a bonding experience that will forever remind you of the importance of honesty, openness, and above all, love.

I have that faith as well Caroline. Once again mo and I are going through tough times of not being even online together. Her schedule, my schedule, the real world. Yet we still seem to convey our thoughts to each other no matter what. We always manage to take things as they come and work through them together....mmmmm~~honesty, openness, and above all love. I like that

 

[Soron]

Soron and mo ~ Thinking back to the Saturday at the Ren Faire. Remembering how I felt I knew you both so well the first time we talked face to face that day. Remembering how tired you both looked. I knew of the long drive from chatting online with you Soron and wishing there was another way you could make the trip. I was just so glad to see you had made it safely.

I have rewritten this post so many times. Let's try again. I am so glad you are talking, communicating and that you will get together in September. Do I have any idea where? I know that when you do, there will be much to tell us. And it will be good.

I know you are not making excuses. I do know the lack of sleep, coupled with the travel, being with other people, even though in the know. and the overall emotional stress you both were under made it a difficult situation.

What do I know of the stress of meeting for the first time in real life? Well Soron, you and mo know that Master and I met for the first time about two weeks before. And like you and mo, He and I have distance as a problem. We had a few difficulties, but it worked out very well. Just so you know (and I guess anyone who reads this thread) we are working on getting together again in early August.

I do think it was the combination of things my friend. I agree with cym. After meeting you and spending time with the two of you I know the depth of commitment is there. And your willingness to share with all of us, lets us know what a loving, patient and yet strong Dom you are Sir.

Hugs and Kisses to you both.

thank you dear kayte...knowing you as I do I respect your opinion, not only as a submissive but as an intelligent and caring woman.

Yes, the commitment is there from both sides or we would not still be trying to do this crazy relationship. There are so many things stacked against us, mo and I. But, yet here we are still trying.

I hope your meeting in August is a fulfilling one darlin'...I am confident it will be...

 

[Soron]

I do have to admire you for being able to come public with this. Not just as a demonstration of your character, but as a way to help others who may find themselves in the same position as you and mo.

I have to agree with cym. You need that emotional connectivity - a relationship at a human level - before you can continue into something more. The unfortunate consequence of long distance relationships is that we have a tendency to think that connectivity exists before we've met face to face. (This is not just directed at you, but also at my own self!)

I dont' know the whole story, and maybe I never will. That's cool. But it seems that there just wasn't enough time you two alone. I know the idea of spending time with friends, finally meeting face to face, can be thrilling and exciting. But, what I'm reading more than anything else, is that you two had more planned than either could handle. It seems to me (and I could really be off-base with this one), that there should have been less time with friends and more time with just you two. It's difficult to talk about truly deep matters when you are surrounded by others.

All I can really add is that I hope your meeting in September goes smoothly, and everything works out for the best!

The whole idea of the weekend was in a sense a first date Chele. To see how we were around other people. We accomplished that somewhat. Still it wasn't enough to see for ourselves if what we have is 'real' or imagined. But, again there IS no doubt that the love is 'real'. That, we both have felt....

In this next meeting we WILL be doing both...spending plenty of time with friends and plenty of time alone...communicating in both settings.

 

[Soron]

Re: Talking it out is a wonderful way of solving problems.

"But, what I'm reading more than anything else, is that you two had more planned than either could handle. It seems to me (and I could really be off-base with this one), that there should have been less time with friends and more time with just you two. It's difficult to talk about truly deep matters when you are surrounded by others."

I agree completely with SexyChele. I understand the desire to share yourselves and your relationship with your friends, but in the beginning of a relationship- especially a first meeting - most of your time needs to be just the two of you, alone.

Because of the depth of intimacy needed to make a success of a bdsm relationship, a couple must devote much time to getting to know one another. This period is vital for bonding to occur. Each of you needs to know and feel that s/he is attractive, important, and committed (on some level) to the other. If this doesn't occur in the beginning stages of a relationship, the play will be all that holds you together.

The intitial nervousness that occurs when meeting someone for the first time can easily tempt a couple to plan too many activities in an effort to keep the awkward, silent times at bay. This is understandable as friends and stimulation (parties, etc.) act as an effective buffer, but a couple can miss the opportunity for bonding if they fail to work through the intitial awkwardness and not allow for enough time to rest.

Soron, you and your partner did a wonderful thing by admitting your mistakes and talking through them. You showed your character by admitting your fear and facing it. This is how we grow into the people we want to be, whether that be dom/me or sub.

You make one of the most important points MsWorthy...we did fail to work through the awkwardness

 

[kkceohcs]

Sorry

Soron, not gonna add to this. Just watch from the sidelines cheering for you and MO...Lee sent me the pics..

HOPING UPON HOPE it all works your way....

 

[Soron]

Re: Sorry

Soron, not gonna add to this. Just watch from the sidelines cheering for you and MO...Lee sent me the pics..

HOPING UPON HOPE it all works your way....

thanks kk my friend...I have quite a bit going for me...a woman who loves me and a determination that we will be together...r/l

 

[CarolineOh]

Re: Re: Sorry

thanks kk my friend...I have quite a bit going for me...a woman who loves me and a determination that we will be together...r/l

Well then, it seems to me like you are in pretty good shape.