Common weak points in my stories?

[ZfrkS62]

i was hoping to get a few pointers on common weak points in my stories. I am sure i have them and would like to know what i can do about them before i set in on the second chapter of Death Deaprted. (yes i know it's been awhile since i wrote that one, but i've been wanting to do the second chapter since i submitted it)

Link to stories in my sig.

Thanks to anyone who can help me

 

[Bacteriophage68]

Re:

Well, one of your stories has a red "H" by it, so you must be doing something right.

 

[ZfrkS62]

Well, one of your stories has a red "H" by it, so you must be doing something right.

That one was good. But the others are lacking i think. I just can't figure out where

 

[Bacteriophage68]

Re:

The one about Death was pretty good, although perhaps people would have rather seen a different ending than the main character just waking up. That seems to be the case in many stories I've read, something interesting/impossible happens and it almost always turns out to be a dream. I suppose you could put it in an alternate universe...but maybe that's been done a lot too.

Sorry I couldn't help more. :/

 

[mack_the_knife]

Things I've noted -

Measurements: Listing measurements and such are pretty much frowned upon by a large number of the serious readers (the kind who tend to vote). Try using descriptive adjectives instead. Petite is a good start. Also say something comparative, like "She was barely five feet tall." and "She was so light that I never had any trouble picking her up - or tossing her about the bed, for that matter." Instead of cup size, say "Her breasts were the perfect fit for my hands" or "She had smallish but very perky breasts with luscious dark nipples, that I couldn't keep my lips off of, pointing slightly upward, toward me, usually."

Contractions: "How has my baby been?" - Unless she is not a native speaker, and even then not fluent, most people would say "How's my baby been?"
I notice you do use contractions later, that further confuses the issue for readers, does she use them or not?

The sex is pretty solidly written.

That's what I saw in "Closet Encounters" that would give me pause. Also note, that BDSM is a very heavily represented category with a lot of nitpicky readers, as well.

Just my $0.02

 

[ZfrkS62]

Things I've noted -

Measurements: Listing measurements and such are pretty much frowned upon by a large number of the serious readers (the kind who tend to vote). Try using descriptive adjectives instead. Petite is a good start. Also say something comparative, like "She was barely five feet tall." and "She was so light that I never had any trouble picking her up - or tossing her about the bed, for that matter." Instead of cup size, say "Her breasts were the perfect fit for my hands" or "She had smallish but very perky breasts with luscious dark nipples, that I couldn't keep my lips off of, pointing slightly upward, toward me, usually."

Contractions: "How has my baby been?" - Unless she is not a native speaker, and even then not fluent, most people would say "How's my baby been?"
I notice you do use contractions later, that further confuses the issue for readers, does she use them or not?

The sex is pretty solidly written.

That's what I saw in "Closet Encounters" that would give me pause. Also note, that BDSM is a very heavily represented category with a lot of nitpicky readers, as well.

Just my $0.02

Thanks for your help.

In regards to the contractions; that's just lazyness from using AIM for so long, lol.

I was actually kind of on the fence about that one going in bdsm. I tried to use my very limited experience with it, but i guess i ultimately made the wrong choice

The one about Death was pretty good, although perhaps people would have rather seen a different ending than the main character just waking up. That seems to be the case in many stories I've read, something interesting/impossible happens and it almost always turns out to be a dream. I suppose you could put it in an alternate universe...but maybe that's been done a lot too.

Sorry I couldn't help more. :/

lol, yeah i kinda figured that was a bit of a cliche I had the idea for it and just started typing.

 

[ZfrkS62]

Just a little request:

Would it be too much to ask to get some more votes on my Death Departed story?

only 3 votes with so many views is kind of pitiful

Also i'm going to be submitting another story in the next day or two, so keep an eye out

 

[Boxlicker101]

I read "Death Departed" and here are some observations:

Like Mack said, you don't need to be that precise in your description, saying "six feet, five inches" for instance, or giving the dimensions of the room. Also, you said "75' " instead of "75 feet". Don't do that unless you are describing a surveyor's report or something of the sort. I saw a few grammatical errorsm etc. but not enough to be a distraction.

A big weak point is the category. People rarely read non-erotic work here. I don't know how many reads you have but I'm sure it is no more than a few thousand. The biggest thing may be having the story turn out to be a dream. That is something of a copout.

All in all, I thought the story was pretty exciting but it is a chapter, not a whole story.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read "Death Departed." As a story, there's not much you can say about it, because it's really just a scene--a sword fight.

I would say though, as someone who's tried writing sword and other fight scenes myself, you should beware of trying to describe too exactly just what was happening, as if you're describing a movie-type sword duel. That really doesn't work very well in fiction. The excitement and confusion of the fight just doesn't lend itself well to describing just whose sword was where when, and I think most reader start skipping over all the details to try and get to the important stuff: who won, or who's winning.

I went and read your BDSM story too, and I think I got a better idea of what I'd try and improve on. You tend to concentrate on the details of what's being done, whether it's in a sword fight or in making love, and you don't pull back far enough to let the reader get the bigger picture. We really want to see these two people interacting, whether they're fighting or making love, and instead we get close-up descriptions of their swords or what their fingers are doing.

We want to know what these people are feeling, and you're rather stingy in your use of emotion. Your sword-fighter gets the chills and gets scared or angry, but he just tells us this, you don't really show us. Your hero attacks to the right, has his sword blocked by Death, who then kicks at his knee as he sweeps his sword around in a great arc and tries to bring the blade down on the hero's skull. The hero sidesteaps and catches Death's sword on his hilt. . .

See how cold and clinical that reads?

Instead you could have the hero attacking Death in a sudden rage, slashing at him right and left and forcing Death back, hardly knowing what he's doing in his murderous rage. . .

That gives us as much action without all the detail, and allows us to feel the hero's rage or fear or whatever he's feeling. We can see what he's feeling in the way he's fighting. He doesn't have to stop and tell us about it.

It's feeling and emotions that make a story come alive, and I think it's the lack of feeling in your stories that you're responding to.

Even in BDSM, people making love are engaged in a relationship, a give and take, an action and response. I think you spend too much time telling us what you did in the closet story and not enough time on showing us the interplay of emotions between the characters. What makes a story sexy is not what your fingers are doing, but how she responds to the things you do.

Check out this paragraph:

Withdrawing my fingers, now dripping with her sex fluids, I commanded her to open her mouth and placed them on her tongue. I needed to make no commands or requests, she instinctively closed her lips around my fingers and sucked them clean.

Here's the way you might do it:

I withdrew my fingers, now dripping with her sex fluids, and raised them to her lips.

"Open your mouth, baby," I said.

Her lips parted, her little pink tongue peeked out nervously and just touched my fingers, still wet with her secretions. Then, as if driven wild by the taste of her own arousal, she sucked them hungrily into her mouth.

In my version we see what she's feeling. We see the interaction, how what he does affects her. I've used more description then you do, especially the adverbs "nervously" and "hungrily". That makes it more vivid, but more imprtantly, it shows us how she responds to him. We get a feeling of two people actually responding to each other.

Anyhow, you write very well as is. But if you want to get more depth and passion into those stories, I'd concentrate on having your characters show more emotion.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[ZfrkS62]

Thanks, boxlicker and Dr_mabeuse,

While i don't think i will be doing another bdsm story, i do appreciate the input.

I will definetly keep the suggestions about the descriptions in mind when i go to finish ch.2 of the Death story...i knew i shouldn't have ended ch1 the way i did

as of late my motivation for writing has been non existant so no telling when i'll get around to it :shrug: