Comments Welcome

[The_Fool]

I would appreciate any comments on this one. I really want to get this one right.



Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

 

[CharleyH]

I would appreciate any comments on this one. I really want to get this one right.

Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

I like the simplicity, and yet it is never stated outright, which makes the poem a touch more complex. I read it 3 times to let everything absorb. In this, to me a dichotomy of both measured reaction to death and feelings in form, peaceful, but also on the opposite end, I see the repetativeness: 'Mother, weep' as a raw emotional grasping, over and over, to have not had the loss. The importance of the mother I see in the lead from stanza to stanza, always capitalized. I think you capture the essence of the theme, the five stanza's likened to stages of loss. . . but I may be grasping here.

Just my freefall reaction. Quite lovely. I have nothing to say technically, since this is not an area where I excel. Thank you.

 

[impressive]

I would appreciate any comments on this one. I really want to get this one right.



Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

This is lovely, Fool. I got the requisite goose bumps (and I've not experienced such loss -- so it's not a raw wound). I don't have suggestions for change, but I'll tell you which lines didn't really resonate well (or as well) for me: last line of 3rd stanza ("shock and grief" just seems kinda cliche), and 3 line of last stanza just seems a bit stretched.

HTH,

~ Imp

 

[The_Fool]

Charley and Imp, thank you for you comments and your support. I got to thinking after this posting that some might be concerned about affecting my feelings because of the subject matter. It IS close to home, my sister-in-law passed yesterday, but it is not my wife or mother. I was deliberately vague since I didn't want to color anyone's comments.

Like I said, any comments are welcome. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

*sad smile*

 

[Guest]

Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

I am sorry for your loss, Fool.

Let's see if I can add something that may be of some help.

This poem is haunting and lovely, there are no other words I can think of that is fitting of such a well written poem. With that said, although you were vague on the details in your first post, the voice is very clear and it is extremely emotive. I like the repetition of 'Mother, weep' as it reads like an echo, one filled with sorrow. 'you’ve left behind' is in the first stanza and the second. I think if it's not in the other stanzas that either the first or second should be re-worded in some way so that the only repeated line throughout the poem is your 'Mother, weep'. That's my ideas.

Oh, I do like the last stanza. It grounds the poem—a good base with insightfulness.

 

[WickedEve]

All the suggestions above are good ones. Even if you don't change a word, it will still be fine the way it is.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Sorry for your loss, Fool-

I agree with what's been said above. The echoing "Mother, weep" is a very good and poignant verse. I would only work on the structure a little, making each stanza reflect the others. Like Neo, I noticed the repetition of "you've left behind", which would work if it was something present in the rest of the stanzas as well, but if not, reword one of them.

I would also like to see some regularity in the length of the verses. In the first one you have 3-8-5-8 syllables, which is perfect, but that pattern isn't kept in the others. I'm not saying it should be rigid, but the fourth stanza, for example, is 3-5-8-5, which has a tempo that is almost the opposite of the first: from short-long-medium-long to short-medium-long-medium.

Hope that helps.

 

[Eleanora Day]

Your poem is lovely. When I first read it, I thought that by "mother" you meant the earth. That says a lot about the way your poem speaks.

Lo siento mi amigo.

 

[foehn]

I would appreciate any comments on this one. I really want to get this one right.



Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

Hi, TF. As has been said, this is quite beautiful in its own right. I wouldn't comment at all, except for the (divined) earnestness of the request. There'd be nothing wrong with leaving it just as it is. It speaks to the matter eloquently.

One observation I will dare to make is that the subject (person) of the poem, in this context, in a short poem, never quite gets a personality. I'm just going to mention this gently, since I know it's very, very tight. But if there were a way to show examples of the "compassion" and "love" in only a few syllables, you might get closer to loosing the catharsis of grief of those for whom I assume the poem will honor.

Given the beauty of the poem as it is, I wouldn't want to be charged with that task. But you might set it aside for a day or three, just to see if in the odd wind of time, something doesn't float itself into your mind, and insist on "being there."

Thank you for sharing this personal piece with us.

/t

 

[average gina]

I would appreciate any comments on this one. I really want to get this one right.



Mother, weep
For the children you’ve left behind.
Left to find their way
Without your gentle guiding hand.

Mother, weep
For the husband you’ve left behind.
Muted by his grief,
Blinded by his tears.

Mother, weep
For all of us.
Leaving before your time,
As we lose ourselves in shock and grief.

Mother, weep
Your sympathetic tears.
Nurturing rain
Compassionate soul.

Mother, weep
In sadness and in joy.
Offering love for all your time,
Time measured in tears.

After the critical read, one thing stood out to me. The first time I read it, the highlighted stood out as repetitive, too closely so. Perhaps changing the way the last line moves (Tears blinding his...).

Lord, I don't want to even talk about it. The second time I read this, I read it emotionally. Simply beautiful. The raw pain tore at me. It will be a comfort and a memorable point of view for those who will need it at this critical time. Please share it with them. Please.

Beautiful. I truly mean that.

 

[sandspike]

I would change...

the last line in the 3rd verse, I find it too long. The last line of the poem is
great, it is powerful and moving. Having out lived my folks and brother I
find this line doesn't do it for me. I would look for something positive as life
goes on here and in heaven. I like it what ever you do, it is from the heart.
I just think it needs a positive statement at the end.

 

[The_Fool]

I want to think everyone for their comments. There were some excellent suggestions that I will certainly try to incorporate. I'll offer up the final draft when completed. I certainly intend to offer this poem to the family, probably not formally at the funeral. I don't think I could get it out.

During this time, I've found myself grieving as much for the family as for her or myself. While she is beyond physical suffering, I found myself lying sleepless that first night, thinking about how much she would worry about her family and their grief. That was how I came up with the concept of "Mother, weep."

Thank your all for your thoughts and caring...

 

[Shadows0]

I'm truly sorry for your loss fool. I really enjoyed your poem. I have felt the loss of someone so dear to the heart for I lost my mother a few years ago and she too was taken at an early age. The words you have used have hit emotions that are felt by all when dealing with such a loss.

Wonderful job, it has brought comfort.