Comments/Suggestions Villanelle

[Mythos50]

May I please have feedback on this attempt at the villanelle poetry form? I am not pleased with the title, any suggestions would be welcomed, as would suggestions on line 5. Thank you.

Title: Childhood Friendship

1. From friendship made in childhood
2. Playing games and running free
3. Two grown together by brotherhood

4. More than friends same motherhood
5. Competing each other as brothers be
6. From friendship made in childhood

7. Teenager stress bound as it should
8. Though many part you would agree
9. Two grown together by brotherhood

10. Both in time grew to fatherhood
11. Loving each as could you and me
12. From friendship made in childhood

13. Middle age myth neither could
14. Break bonds with their family
15. Two grown together by brotherhood

16. Silver years they now would
17. Enjoy many a past memory
18. From friendship made in childhood
19. Two grown together by brotherhood

 

[JUDO]

Here ya go. Little differences.

Best Friends' Childhood Memories

1. From friendships made at childhood
2. Playing games and running free,
3. Two grow together in brotherhood.

4. More than friends, same motherhood
5. Competing only as brothers can, see?
6. From friendships made at childhood

7. Teenage stress bound as it should
8. Through many parts you would agree,
9. Two grow together in brotherhood

10. Both in time grew to fatherhood
11. Loving each other like you and me
12. From friendships made at childhood

13. With middle-age myths neither could
14. Break old bonds from their family
15. Two grow together in brotherhood

16. In their silver years now, they would,
17. Laughing at many a past memory,
18. From friendships made at childhood,
19. Two grow together in brotherhood.

My thoughts.


- Judo

 

[Mythos50]

Thank you, Judo, for your help and for being able to see where I could not.

 

[Senna Jawa]

May I please have feedback on this attempt at the villanelle poetry form?

We are all familiar with unmemorable poems which feature poor rhymes like your

        should could would

But your rhymes:

        childhood brotherhood motherhood fatherhood

are special. Indeed, they are the worst rhymes which I have ever encountered.

Regards,

    Senna Jawa

PS. You could add "parenthood" and "Robin Hood".

 

[Mythos50]

Thank You Senna. I did not mean to hoodwink my reader and should I repeat this in the future would you please point it out to me?

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thank You Senna. I did not mean to hoodwink my reader and should I repeat this in the future would you please point it out to me?

Wow!

Thank you, Mythos50,