Comments please

[Lonely Knight]

My sword and shield hang on the wall as does the chan mail. I welcome your comments on this, my first story.

Europa
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=182427

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi, and welcome to lit!

Although I haven't heard the song, I like what you have written. You capture the imagery that some writers lack, or try to force.

Just a couple of things I'd like to mention, and you can take it or leave it as you like:

* Your sentences are very long. People are reading on a computer screen, so it makes it very difficult to follow the sentence. The same with paragraphs - try to break them up, as it makes for easier reading.

Eg.

She is dressed only in a delicate, white lace embroidered bra, pink thigh high stockings, held in place by a white satin garter belt, hidden beneath a short silk slip, also trimmed in delicate lace.

This should be restructured and broken up into 2 sentences, and it may mean a lot more time spent on editing.

* 'Master' - this killed the mood. I would have preferred it if you just referred to him as 'him', and left him as a mystery. Master is a word that crops up excessively in BDSM on this site, and I don't think you gain anything by using it in your story.

* There aren't much in the way of naughty bits. There is nothing wrong with this at all. It may be more suitable for the non-erotic category, although it is very short and not much story development - more of a snapshot in time. But just so that you know, a lot of readers will low vote you, regardless of the story or quality or enjoyment, because of the nature of the site.

You have a lot of talent and potential, and the more you keep writing, the more you fine tune it! Keep it up, I'd love to see more of what you have written.

 

[Lonely Knight]

Thank you wishfulthinking. I do appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. It is only by this that we can improve our individual skills.