comments please

[shyly curious]

Another poster told me this was worthy, I'm not quite sure I agree. Thanx for your comments.


the quiet light of dawn,
brushing her cheeks softly.
Like her tendrils of hair,
sweetly caressing her neck.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back
to the evenings touch
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
I feel warm and fuzzy.
To share with her,
this precious moment.

I never knew
or really expected,
she'd enter my life

 

[WickedEve]

warm and fuzzy doesn't work very well. I'd drop the fuzzy.

 

[HomerPindar]

I'm with Eve on fuzzy - might consider changing out warm for something else altogether too.

Also, maybe dropping the last stanza, it lacks the umph, or impact, that clearly her entering your life deserves. The feeling is stronger than the words in the last stanza, and the rest of the poem isn't lost for it's abscence.

 

[shyly curious]

the quiet light of dawn,
brushing her cheeks softly.
Like her tendrils of hair,
sweetly caressing her neck.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back
to the evenings touch
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
I am quite lucky.
To share with her,
this precious moment.

Thanx for the comments, how's this do?

 

[Daisy May]

the quiet light of dawn,
brushing her cheeks softly.
Like her tendrils of hair,
sweetly caressing her neck.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back
to the evenings touch
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
I am quite lucky.
To share with her,
this precious moment.


Beautiful! I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[WickedEve]

quiet light of dawn brushes her cheek
like tendrils of hair.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back to evening's touch--
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
and I know my fortune:
to share this moment.

 

[HomerPindar]

I think it's the use of "I" in the last stanza that you have to be careful with, it's the first introduction of something other than her, and having it start the line makes it feel abrupt. Eve mitigates that a bit, but still not sure it the "I" in the poem is to the poems benifit.

(ain't editing a hoot? )

 

[Daisy May]

quiet light of dawn brushes her cheek
like tendrils of hair.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back to evening's touch--
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
and I know my fortune:
to share this moment.

I like this, WickedEve. I don't know if I'd want to take your lines if it was me. Both are wonderful, really.

I was thinking about "lucky" being taken out. Another word prehaps.

quite fortunate
blessed

so many come to mind.

 

[WickedEve]

I like this, WickedEve. I don't know if I'd want to take your lines if it was me. Both are wonderful, really.

I was thinking about "lucky" being taken out. Another word prehaps.

quite fortunate
blessed

so many come to mind.

They are basically shy's lines. I'm just playing with it, and giving shy some ideas. We love to tinker with other poet's words.

 

[Daisy May]

ooooooooooooooo

 

[shyly curious]

They are basically shy's lines. I'm just playing with it, and giving shy some ideas. We love to tinker with other poet's words.

WAIT JUST A DOGGONE MINUTE!!!

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A POET????


seriously, it was just spur of the moment jibberish.



Thanx for all the comments, I like what you all have done with it.

who knows, I might come back with more. then you'll be sorry,

 

[WickedEve]

who knows, I might come back with more. then you'll be sorry,

uh huh... now the threats begin.

 

[shyly curious]

quiet light of dawn brushes her cheek
like silky tendrils of hair.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back to evening's touch--
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
such wondrous fortune,
to be in this moment.


how's this?

 

[shyly curious]

uh huh... now the threats begin.

You are Wicked!!

 

[Guest]

quiet light of dawn brushes her cheek
like silky tendrils of hair.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back to evening's touch--
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
such wondrous fortune,
to be in this moment.


how's this?

That's a great image there. Not heavy with superflous words, the I's gone, and the "ly" adverbs are kept to a minimum. I especially like your first stanza, nice set-up.

 

[WickedEve]

quiet light of dawn brushes her cheek
like silky tendrils of hair.

Languid pose, rumpled sheets,
harken back to evening's touch--
the pillows tossed and strewn.

a peaceful smile graces her,
such wondrous fortune,
to be in this moment.


how's this?

Very nice. I think we all nudged you in the right direction. I actually tried to push you off the cliff, but the other poets stopped me. I've already met my poet killing quota for the month. And I'm hyper tonight, so don't pay too much attention. But... great poem!

 

[shyly curious]

*walks to the edge of the cliff, closes eyes, ... *



Thank you all for the editting help,

and a special thanks to a certain someone who pushed me onto this thread.

Happy now????