Comments on our stories please....

[bunnyntiger]

Hello -

We are a real-life couple that have written a number of stories about our relationship, and it's progression...the title - "The Demise of Snow White" really started out as a joke....and then we decided to write a story and submit it....

There are now 5 stories in the series - they score well, but don't seem to attract a lot of votes or feedback....how do we encourage more feedback? What we have received so far....we love....

I have listed "Chapter 1"...feel free to read them all....Chapter 4 is the hottest, while Chapter 3.5 is more loving....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64678

Thanks

bunnyntiger

 

[kristydoll]

Hi,

I enjoyed this one the first time I read it *grins*

The only thing I might suggest is varying the starts of your sentences - very minor.

As far as receiving feedback - BDSM is not always a preferred genre of general choice - though my favorite *smiles*. But on this story - my feedback is all good.

kristy

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Sorry, but I didn't care for it.

To me it reads like it was written by two people as a kind of private joke, which, I take it, it was. I think that may keep you from seeing the piece objectively.

To me, there's an art to writing, an art to using language to paint pictures. I didn't see any evidence of that art here. Your story-telling is very direct and flat with little color or nuance. Maybe it's just me, but erotica is more than a retelling of the erotic things two people did with each other. There is an erotic tone and flavor in the language and in the telling.

My opinion is no more than that, and if you are getting good ratings than people are enjoying your stuff as much as you are, so keep writing. For me, though, it's not my cup of tea.

Respectfully,
---dr.M.

 

[bunnyntiger]

Thanks dr....I can certainly understand your perspective - it definitely did start out as a joke, and it was written by two people...if you read all of them, you will probably see that even more clearly...

I think the stories have scored well (but from a very limited number of people) because it touches those people very specifically - the events, the transition, etc...and they can relate to them on a personal level, and like the events themselves - as opposed to the erotica...

We want to try and do both - that's why I posted - clearly because we see some of the same things you mentioned - but since we are both as far from author's as can possibly be in our professions, it's a stretch - but that's how we grow!

Thanks again...I would appreciate your thoughts on the later 2 stories if you read them....

tiger

 

[PaulX35]

We are a real-life couple that have written a number of stories about our relationship, and it's progression...the title - "The Demise of Snow White" really started out as a joke....and then we decided to write a story and submit it....

Hi bunny & tiger,

As you already admitted yourself, it's a short story about two people meeting, and that is exactly how it reads.
While I can very well understand the "transition" aspect of the story, I think it could have been explored with a bit more direct detail. You're showing us the results, more than the acts and emotions producing them, and for an erotic story that is a bit of a pity, especially since such a first time BDSM-ish experience allows a lot of opportunity to nicely paint a mind-change. Kristydoll's comments show you she "was there", but that is likely because she is experienced with BDSM (my interpretation). For a broader forum of readers it might be a nice thing to try and paint a little more detailedly what exactly happens to the woman in this story (and to the man: so little is written about the thrills of domming, I think).
I'm greatly in favour of "demystifying" public ideas about BDSM, and a first encounter story like this makes a good opportunity to do so

But that's just my thoughts.

Paul

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Let me see if I can show you what I mean.

Here's an excerpt from your story 3:
----------------------------
The Prince, aroused by her response, began kissing her, inching his fingers up her bare leg towards her pussy. Halfway up her thigh, he could feel her pussy juices, and the inferno that lay ahead. He kept moving forward, stopping just shy of her pussy. He quickly grazed her pussy lips, causing her to jump in pleasure. She began to beg him to leave and head home. She repeated "I will suck your cock on the way home so you will fuck me". This time she added "all night long". As they got up to leave she headed ahead of him. Every head turned to watch her softly sway from the room. Prior to reaching the exit, he decided to use the men's room and as he made his way back inside the bar, one of the men that he had pointed out to her earlier approached him and said "Have a good time tonight – she's on fire". Her Prince replied, "More than you could ever imagine."
--------------------------------

Here's how I would write it:

Aroused by her response, the Prince kissed her, inching his fingers up her bare thigh towards ther pussy. Halfway up her tigh he felt her pussy juices and the inferno that lay ahead. He moved forward. stopping just short of her pussy, then quickly grazed her pussy lips, and she jumped in pleasure.
"Please, please, can we go home now?" she pleaded. "I'll even suck your cock on the way home so you'll be all ready to fuck me... all night long."
They got up and left and, as she followed him out, every head in the bar turned to watch her sway from the room. One of the men she had pointed out earlier grinned at him. "Have a good time tonight. She's on fire."
Her Prince grinned back. "More than you could ever imagine."
----------------------------

What I wanted to show you in the example is how the way you use verbs and auxillaries makes your story sound as if it's a twice-told tale. Your action never takes place in the present. In my version, I've just cut out all the auxillary verbs to make the action more direct: straight past tense. It's the difference between "he began to feel" and "He felt", or "He could touch" and "he touched"
(I also changed the sentence structure a few places to cut out the short, choppy sentences, but that's more a matter of personal writing style and isn't as important as the verb forms you use. See, all that grammar crap they tried to teach us in school actually does have a use!)
The use of direct quotes also gives the story a more immediate feel. Your stories have very few direct quotes, and after awhile, that makes the story seem dry and old.

I'm aware that you might be aiming for a fairy-tale type feel to this story, since you draw upon the Snow White myth. If that's the case then you probably do want to make your story seem removed from the present to give it that "one upon a time" feel.

God knows you have enough sexy stuff happening in here, and I for one think the subject of a woman's introduction to BDSM is a fascinating subject. But if you want this to be really good, if you really want to share the experience and not just tell people about it, then it's not enough just to tell what happened. You've got to put us there too.

Hope this helps, and thanks for your garcious acceptance of my criticism. I do tend to be an SOB about these things.

---dr.M.