Comments on my first ever story?

[lostinetherland]

Hi,

I've just published my first story onto Literotica, it's really the first one I've ever written to be honest. I have some ideas on where to take it next (deeper character development), but would really appreciate some critique from the many erotica gurus in here.

Gen's Longest Journey

Thanks in advance.

lostinetherland

 

[kbate]

I do not feel that for the category - novels and novellas - that you spent quite enough time building a character. You have more time of course, but if I am to read this as a novel, somewhere in chapter 1, I expect to know the main character slightly better than as a busy woman without a man. The chapter was too short to do this. Perhaps as a prologue or a teaser advertisment it serves, but as a stand-alone start to a novel I did not feel it.

The writing is good enough, but several places fail to flow smoothly.

As far as to where you can take this story - nearly anywhere, you have not set a pattern that must be held to with this installment. You could go into a lengthy exploration in toys and masturbation, or you could introduce a romantic interest, off into public voyeuristic sex, nearly anything is possible from this start.

Good luck.

 

[lostinetherland]

Fair comments. I guess a 'teaser' just about sums it up really, as you rightly say, it could fit into either the Toys and Masturbation category or the Voyeurs category. I actually wrote the story without thinking too much about what category it would go into - so when it came to the point of submission, I was a bit stuck... hence it went into Novellas. I should try and be more focussed in future.

Nice to hear you don't think there is a pattern. I have some plans for Gen in the next chapter, and I don't think it's what you might expect...

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Skairkro]

I thought it was great

It seemed it bit short. I find a story more erotic when you get to know the character more. It seemed like a great first chapter though. I look forward to more.

 

[Saucyminx]

Left you a comment.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think I got lost in the "telling". That's a really hard thing to learn. When you sit down to write, every time you strike a key on your word processor say to yourself, "Show the reader - Don't tell him." Do that until it becomes almost a physical part of you. That is how you hold the reader's interest and how you increase your score.

The way you wrote this piece I'm left with a lot of questions: Who is this girl? What does she look like (Bra size, height, clothes, hair, etc.). This girl works in a law firm. Where? What does she do there? Where is this office other than 5 miles from her home? You had room for a somewhat longer piece without damaging the story and giving the reader plenty of mental image which would have improved the story. Remember the reader wants to "see" a hard-on, "see" breasts, "see" the girl moaning in the throws of extacy. That's all done with imagery.

Also, I stumbled in the very beginning. This is obviously England and not America. Double decker buses we have here in a few places. But I couldn't be sure until the bus driver arrived - Bloke and so on. Not to worry. That's a comment from and ego-centric American <Wink>

Overall the story is really pretty good. You had a great plot line and the sex was well written. You could do with a lot more charicter development so the reader can associate and empathise with the girl.

Finally, I agree with the previous reviewers. This being your first attempt you really have placed it in the wrong catagory and it's written much more as a teaser than anything else.

But good work... and keep it up.

 

[Allit]

I liked it

Suggestion; could of been more descriptive; "the sound of the tires on the now wet pavement, throbbed and thrust in to her"; "her deep green eyes flickered to the the neon lights, flashing and intense, outside, then back to the couple."

Bed room scene "she spread wide and let the dildo collapse her nice pink tight pussy, moving her had down she felt her clit, now wet and hard. Her nice firm breast heaved in a rythem, she thought like the sound of the tires of the bus, a rythem on the road. She stared at the ceiling, and visualized, the sexy young couple in the bus" and so on.

I am no expert but maybe will help; credit for giving it a go.

 

[Allit]

More thoughts

What you feel, what you see, what you hear; bring it in and relate it to your life experience.

Gen worked late that night. She was always working late - sometimes it seemed to her that the whole fate of the company was on her shoulders. Write letters to here, fax there, oh and if can you just finish that 200 page dossier by tomorrow morning at 9am that would be great. "Bastards" she thought. Too escape those empty walls that surrounded her. It was nearly 10pm by the time she got out of the door of the little suburban law firm where she
worked. (The prick attorneys, full of arrogance, who charged big dollars for her to do the work, disgusted her, both morally and ethically-[had to add this, I am an attorney)

She thought about hailing a cab, as it was so late, but after a quick check realized that funds wouldn't allow it; She looked at the flashing lights, and wondered which red light district she would have to walk through. This hurt, she lusted for sex, but she was no whore. She smelled the scent of the cold fresh air and dismissed the 5 mile walk to her house.
The bus was practically empty when it pulled up. It was a double decker, and just for a better view of the journey, she decided to go up top and at the front. She was vaguely aware of a young couple sitting at the back – the young lad smiled at her, she smiled thinly back.

In the bus, she noticed that she could see the couple through the reflected mirror that the driver uses to check the top deck. The couple were giggling, the girl was obviously a little worse for drink... she heard "Stop it! We can't... not now... wait..." from the girl's voice. Gen watched through the mirror, not looking round. But she could tell, by the way the girl spread her legs, she wanted something.
Gen spread her legs slowly. She gently touched her clit through her legs spread widely. She thought of the past, the young man she had done so well; and where was he? Disappeared. She longed for him kissing her nice long neck, nibbling her earlobe, and thrusting his tongue into her welcome mouth. And slowly moving his hand down through her wet hot panties, where her moist warm cunt, waited for him.
Her eyes diverted to the mirror "It's okay" said the young man, "Nobody can see us... look, she's sitting way up there with her back to us... carry on... please..." he whispered. One thing Gen always had going for her was that she had exceptional hearing. It helped in her line of work.

 

[lostinetherland]

Thanks for all the replies & encouragement!

Jenny: yes, it is England (unfortunately... I'm Scottish and live in England ). My sister writes novels, and she always tells me that you should keep the reader guessing to some extent on some things - reveal it slowly. In other words, don't have a paragraph near the start which runs something like:

"Gen was a single woman, a 32 year old lawyer's assistant with short brown hair, 105lbs, 34C breasts and a trim figure... blah blah blah"

It's just too... obvious. To me anyway.

The downside to that approach though is that the reader is left with too many questions. Questions are good, on the whole, because for a first chapter you WANT the reader to be intrigued enough to carry on reading the rest of the book. Who is Gen? Why is she working late? What's that bus driver about? I understand & agree with what you're saying about it being too short though. The next chapter will be longer I promise, and have a lot more character development. I will try and put more imagery like you suggest in my future submissions.

Allit: I like your words. I didn't write it in that way though for a very specific reason - you have written Gen like a sexpot from the start, where sex is very near the surface and she doesn't seem to have much in the way of inhibitions. What was erotic to me about it though is that when she gets on the bus, tired & pissed off after a long days work, sex is the absolute LAST thing on her mind. Then she sees the young couple going at it, and its almost like a light bulb being switched on in her head.

It's like... from the tired & humdrum, to the hot and horny, then back and forth. Still in the context though of where she is, and who might be watching. But I think what you're getting at really is that there needs to be more description... and motivation from Gen.

Anyway, I feel energised now to carry on writing based on all your comments. Thanks a lot!

lostinetherland

 

[Allit]

just saying try being more descriptive, it does not matter about what

Gen worked late that night. She was always working late - sometimes it seemed to her that the whole fate of the company was on her shoulders. Write letters to here, fax there, oh and if can you just finish that 200 page dossier by tomorrow morning at 9am that would be great. "Bastards" she thought. It was nearly 10pm by the time she got out of the door of the little suburban law firm where she worked.
The air hit her freshly and the hundred fire ants dashed out of her brain, through her ears onto the sidewalks; the dark pale sidewalks, not reflecting the moon; the sidewalks that lead to never.

She thought about hailing a cab, as it was so late, she dug into her purse, she felt, no money her hand moved eagerly, still no money; but after a quick check realized that funds wouldn't allow it – so it was either get the bus or walk the 5 miles or so to her house. No contest, really. She stared into a cold and endless night.

The bus was practically empty when it pulled up. It was a double decker, and just for a better view of the journey, she decided to go up top and at the front. She was vaguely aware of a young couple sitting at the back – the young lad smiled at her, she smiled thinly
back.

I KNOW this sounds stupid, but what do you experience and sense, describe what you feel, hear, smell and see.

 

[lostinetherland]

Second part is out! Please let me know what you think.

Gen's Longest Journey - Ch. 02 - Awakening

lostinetherland

 

[sethp]

Didn't read chapter two yet. ...1 was great. constructive criticism. a bit short, some small errors in verbage and sentence construction, but only a little. Personally would have liked to see Gen go with the couple in the back instead of by herself. That's just my opinion. But keep on writing!