Comments on my first-ever sequel?

[Thongluver69]

So, I just got my first-ever sequel published here today. It's called "A Little Friendly Advice: Chapter Two" (http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=462985).

So far it seems to be getting positive reaction (It has a 4.60 score with over 3K views) but, as most stories, it hasn't garnered a lot of comments so I was wondering if some of you folks would be kind enough to let me know what you thought of it.

It took me a long time to decide where to go with this story as the original only came about because of a hot dream I had about one of my friends. (The story is pretty close to what the dream was).

The sequel was tricky because I didn't have any source material to work with and that had to improvise.

Did you like it? Did you hate it? Where could I improve? Any help would be appreciated.

Also, the biggest question I think I have is whether or not it seems to continue the story I established in the original. I'm tempted to write a follow up but am not sure where to go next. Any ideas?

Thanks in advance.

 

[PacoFear]

TL-

At four comments for 3,000 views, it seems to me that you're within the normal range as far as quantity of feedback. Don't take it personally. As a practical matter, not many folks are going to leave comments. It's just the way of things.

As for what I thought of your sequel, I thought it was a solid bit of writing. The characters are likeable and you've done an admirable job of mixing clever, flirtatious dialogue with shrewd introspection. I thought you demonstrated a good grip on realistic mental states for your characters. Tom's hesitancy was downright poignant at times and Amber embodies the sexually aggressive girl we'd all like to have luring us into her bed.

Basically, what you've got is a simple storyline and it's executed well. Be proud, TL, I thought you did nicely. If your goal was to offload some of your own fantasies and do it with some flare, then you succeeded. You can stop reading my post here and continue on your merry way.

Okay fine, more critical comments...

I'll summarize my lengthy comments below as follows: you have prepared a delicious bowl of gourmet vanilla ice cream. No nuts. No cherries. No whipped cream. Just really, really good vanilla ice cream.

Your storyline and setting are common ones and so they do not stand out especially. The characters have no unique quirks nor does the sex. And the description is well-done but relatively straightforward. If your goal (or one of them) is getting more comments (and higher scores) than what you've received, I think you need to up the ante along one or more of these axes: plot, characters, description. This is all nebulous stuff that I've struggled with myself.

Let's try some more concrete comments on your story specifically. A central premise for your piece is that Tom and Amber are both unsure of themselves in terms of bedroom skills. And yet when the time comes neither of them actually make any missteps.

For my part, I'd have been intrigued more if Amy had pulled back at some point in the kissing and cheekily advised Tom that his tongue was talented but it spent way too much time in her mouth. Or perhaps Tom could have pointed out that Amy needed to be a little bit more careful with her teeth a few times. What if Tom's tool had an odd bend to it that Amy found strange at first, but together they managed to work out an angle that made things fantastic for her while they were having sex? None of these suggestions are especially inventive but would have added a bit more granularity to your tale.

The sexual choreography you laid out in this second chapter also hit me oddly.

To me, the scene you painted with Tom recently satisfied at the doorway and Amber touching herself in bed was set for oral sex for her not him. It would have been an opportunity for Amber to deliver some steamy comments directing his technique. Perhaps you jinked left before running right intentionally as a matter of style (two blowjobs in a single afternoon is a tantalzing prospect) but for my money, it came off as a little selfish on Tom's part.

A last thought, more of a warning really because I don't want your feelings to get hurt as you continue your project: conventional wisdom here says to expect dwindling page views and votes as your series progresses. New readers are less likely to wade into a series mid-chapter. You'll lose some old readers too as they forget your first chapter and don't want to be bothered reminding themselves. The tradeoff is that your votes tend to drift upwards because people are motivated to get you to continue the series and because you've lost the casual readers who might otherwise have scored you lower.

Do what you can to counteract the dwindling by coming up with attractive story descriptions (the bit that gets posted next to the story's title) to lure people in. The tendency (I've been guilty of this too) is to get lazy with story descriptions. Frankly, your "Tom & Amber take their friendship to a new level" is pretty limp, cliche and vague. It's not dragging anybody in.

Okay, enough of that. Let's circle back to the beginning of my post so you don't feel too abused. Well written. Very hot. Clever dialogue. Likeable people. I thought it was entirely deserving of its little red 'H.' Managing two of them for your first three stories is quite the achievement.

Now, on your merry way.

Cheers,

-PF