Coming Out?!?

[sjl1701]

Hi All,
This seems as good place to ask for advise as any. I am a 47 year old male, married for almost 23 years with one child, boy 12.

I've been chatting with another man online for almost a year and am discovering that falling in love with another man is not as scary as I thought it would be. I do have some experiences with men and have enjoyed them immensely. I've been lately finding that I'm not so turned on by women as I once was. When checking out the porn, my cock is giving away some deeply buried feelings and is getting attracted to the naked men and not the naked women. I'm also finding that I'm not so scared by that anymore.

I'm just looking for some advice on coming out later in life and coping with the changes. I've been reading online and a few books about coming out, but am curious about what happened with others as they approached making that big a change in their lives.

Scott

 

[alaskabibear]

Hi Scott,

You didn't say in your post how you are thinking about dealing with your wife and child. Do you consider yourself bisexual or do you feel that any sexual contact with your wife is no longer appealing? (A bit more info might help others better understand your situation and be able to offer some advice.)

One thing to keep in mind is that the infatuation of a new relationship online is a very fragile and unrealistic thing to gage your sexuality by. In other words, so far this is all a fantasy. Fantasies are nice and fun but seldom does reality measure up to the dream. Have you/can you discuss this with your wife?
(and for what it's worth, falling in love with a man is very normal - a question you might want to ask yourself is; can I love my wife and a man at the same time? Many have found that they can/could.)

 

[Etoile]

If you've been chatting with him for a year, it's very possible you are in love with him. It's also possible that you are now more turned on by men than women. The important thing to remember is that sexuality is always fluid. It can always change. Who knows, after some experiences with men you may experience renewed interest in your wife. Some people are shocked when they "turn gay" because they thought people stay one way their whole lives...but you can change at any time.

 

[sjl1701]

Thank you both for replying.

It is the status of my current relationship that is causing the most concern for me. I know that changing that would be the biggest change in my life. I'm not thrilled with the idea of divorce and I love my son very much and don't want to cause him major life trauma that the divorce might cause. So I'm continuing to ponder options there.

I do appreciate that both of you point out the fluidity of sexuality and the fantasy of online relationships. I will keep both of those things in mind.

Thanks for responding.

Scott

 

[none2_none2]

I figured I should add my two cents...

I'm about your age -- turned 48 last month. I guess I come from the other side: I've never been married. I don't think it was just because I loved gay sex, but because I never could figure out a woman's intention. We could be great friends, and I was never turned off by the female body (as you hear from some gays). I just had no idea about their signals. I guess a male should be more assertive. I was that way with guys. Perhaps I had the Virgin Mary complex...

Anyway, many times I wanted to be straight. I couldn't care less about society norms. It was because the gay relationships that I had were so lacking. You'd love a guy like crazy, and either he wouldn't feel the same, felt that way about anybody who catched his eye, or could only feel that way for a little while. The relationship I have has been the only lasting relationship I have ever had. We have now been a couple for 5.5 years. (We haven't lived together that long, but that is when we got serious.)

In all honesty, I have only one regret in life and that is that I didn't sire any kids. My sperm count is so low, that I would have to do the expensive way -- en vitro. I won't go into the reasons why I wanted a kid, but just know it wasn't out of vanity for any designer genes that I don't possess. The reasons may not be altruistic, but then most people just have kids.

The point I'm trying to make is that to me, the most important thing in life really is family. Some is by blood, some is not. Family is also about intimacy -- not intensity which is very common in a lot of relationships -- especially the intense gay ones that I had in the past. I spent half a lifetime to finally get to where I have a lasting relationship, and I wouldn't give him up. If suddenly I had very strong urges for someone else (male or female), I wouldn't act on them. The 5.5 years may not compare to 23, still he has added so much stability to my life. A long lasting relationship is kind of like having the sun. Most really do NOT watch every sunrise or sunset. Many you see are nothing spectacular, heart stopping vistas of beauty. However, they are so predictable. The sun will always set and rise regardless if whether it is an intense view. That is like the predictable love that I spent so long to acquire. Just as with the sun, I couldn't imagine living without him. On the other hand, I have had some very intense emotional and intense sex relationships where you had these spectacular sunsets. Still, none of them stood any test of time, because it really wasn't based on lasting love. Lasting love involves loving the guy when one of you isn't horny, when one of you isn't feeling well, when it is just an ordinary day. Many people just cannot handle the bland sunsets with no candelight fancy dinners.

So before I gave up on a 23 year relationship, I would ask myself about what would be lost. I would make sure it wasn't a mid-life crisis. (I've had plenty of those!) As to your son, I suppose that all depends on your personality, your wife's, and your son's. For me, I hated my dad for decades. My dad was a mean, self-centered, tyrant. If he had found himself with gay interests at some point in his life, he wouldn't have hesitated one moment to do whatever pleased him -- even though it hurt others. We get along now, because my expectations are gone. Plus I realize it wasn't just about me. He can be selfish or angry with anybody.

Obviously, you have to do what you have to do. I would just say that for ME hesitate to give up on a family if it is a loving unit. There is no cock, cum, orgasm pussy, breast, ass, lips (or whatever turns you on) that can ever replace a loving relationship.

 

[alaskabibear]

That was about the best 2 cents worth I've seen in a long time! n2n2, you hit it dead on!

Scott, is there any way that you can discuss this with your wife? (I know in my own case, my wife and I share in the erotic stimulation that bisexuality can bring to a marriage.)

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

This was a great response! n2n2 that is exactly how I feel about my wife and I. I would not give her up for the world.

sjl1701 You really should sit down with your wife and talk it out. There is a reason you married her. It will be hard and there may be tears but once you both understand each others needs you can both work towards fullfilling them in a way that is comfortable for you both.

As for the online relationship, remember, "they" can be whoever they want to be. It is not until you lived with a person a year that you truely learn who the person is. It is a big gamble both financially and emotionally. I am glad you are not taking it lightly as so many do.

 

[akade]

good stuff here....would also be hesitant to make the change because of cyber relationship......meet, have some fun...see if the deal is real.....before upsetting the applecart....

 

[sjl1701]

N2N2 and others.
Thank you for the heart felt and well thought out responses. I was hoping for some additional perspective from this board and you guys are providing it. Thanks for giving me more to think about.

I really appreciate the input.

Scott

 

[Bandit58]

I came out as a bi woman at the age of 43. This was a few months after I left my first husband, that I finally admitted to myself that I had an attraction to women. It was another year or so before I acted on it, which only confirmed that I wasn't just curious.

I have moved to Australia now and married again. My husband is very supportive of my explorations and we play with other women together as well as me playing separately. My children are both grown and I came out to them last year - it went much better than I hoped they were very accepting and still love me My elderly mother has no idea and I have no intention of telling her....she doesn't need to know and we live in different countries now anyway.

Here in Australia I am out, in NZ not so much. As I said my kids know, and also a couple of female friends who were the first people I told - it didn't matter to them in the slightest.

 

[tazmanian_devil]

Hi everyone. I am a newbie even though i have been lurking a long time now.

Anyways, I think you should at least come out to your wife. I told my wife of 12 years I have been bi-curious, but have not acted on the urges, for most of our marriage and it seems to have brought us closer. She said she always new something was not right but could not put a finger on it. I will probably never actually be with a guy but it is a lot better having these feeling and not having to hide them.

I would also stop chatting with the other guy until you talk to her. My wife and I view chatting cheating and until you have you spouse's approval you should stop doing that. Would you approve of her talking to someone the way you are talking to this guy.

I am not trying to sound judgmental just think you need to think of your wife and kid before something bad happens. If you do end up leaving your wife it would be better to leave on good terms with your wife than her to catch you cheating.

This is just the two cents of a newbie.

 

[dakotagirl]

I don't think anyone should live in a closet. What good does that do you? If your wife loves you and I am guessing she does she will work through this with you. It will either bring you closer together or tear you apart...but then again if she sees your online chatting as cheating then that will tear you apart also. No good can come out of being in the closet IMHO.
On a personal note I have told Taz that i wish he hasn't waited so long to trust me and come out. It didn't do either of us anygood and our marriage was suffering up until that point. Now it is stronger.

 

[sjl1701]

Thanks, everyone for the input. I appreciate it. I'm still working things through and won't be making any rash decisions soon. I'm still processing what my mind and body are telling me about myself. I had felt some gay attractions when I was in college, but as that was the time when AIDS was first appearing, I repressed those feelings. I guess you can't really bottle things like this inside and not have issues.

Thanks again for all the input.

Scott

 

[BiScottM]

New here

I am a divorced bi 41 male, father of 3,( 12-7) I have been in the bi -closet for over 10 yrs. I know I am not gay, cause I love pussy too but I have been chatting with a gay male who lives in my local area and agree to meet with him for coffee.

The Starbucks with meet at in the afternoon is the same one I visit weekly but in the morning. I was surpised to see some of the familar faces working when I walked in to wait for my new friend. I chatted with the employee, shift manager ( woman around my age Shelly and Doug 20's something guy). It wasn't long that my new friend arrived and we had small talked... Then to find out he knows the staff by name and they know him too. The Doug and my friend visit the same gay clubs. It was very clear we were meeting there. And to make it clear.. my friend Mark lend over and softly kissed my kiss lips. I was caught a little off guard and then he french kissed me. I did enjoy it and willing aloud him to suck on my tongue. But then I looked over at the counter to see Shelly's chin on the ground and Doug Smiling ear to ear.

It was the 1st time I came out in Public