Coming out...again

[temp256]

I knew this would inevitably come back to haunt me; it's pretty much inescapable. Coming out is not a one time event, especially when you're trans.

I've already done this. The family knows, doctors know, the government knows, but no one else. I pass perfectly, and no one is the wiser. Not even friends know. As far as the rest of the world and I are concerned, my former self never existed. The only benefit of not being able to find a lover is being able to avoid the issue completely.

I'm considering coming out again, to my coworker. He's genuinely concerned about my poor health, to the point of offering to have various genetic experts assess me, or to have a full MRI. Naturally, this presents a delicate issue, as these tests will reveal my little secret.

I'm not concerned about acceptance. He's openly gay, he knows I'm gay, and he's the closest friend I have. Yet, I resist. No matter how accepting someone is, they will always think differently of you. I don't want to be seen as trans, now or ever again. I've worked too hard to keep my secrets. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[stickygirl]

I doubt that a medical practioner is allowed to disclose to a third party your trans status, but if your employer is footing the bill, then I guess that might complicate matters.

As to your friend… no matter how well we "pass" people will always feel deceived when they learn one is trans. Maybe the longer you have kept it quiet the greater their sense of betrayal BUT on the other hand, if you present the information in the right way, then you could avoid that happening. You will after all, be bringing them into your confidence and showing them that you trust tehm. A moments thought on their part will make them realise the importance of that trust and so perhaps make your bond even stronger.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed about - you have done NOTHING wrong!!

Your health is the most important thing here, even though that friendship is important too. You can have both. You deserve to have both.

I wish you luck and I hope your friend is as accepting as he should be, being part of the LGBT community

 

[bluesky496]

I knew this would inevitably come back to haunt me; it's pretty much inescapable. Coming out is not a one time event, especially when you're trans.

I've already done this. The family knows, doctors know, the government knows, but no one else. I pass perfectly, and no one is the wiser. Not even friends know. As far as the rest of the world and I are concerned, my former self never existed. The only benefit of not being able to find a lover is being able to avoid the issue completely.

I'm considering coming out again, to my coworker. He's genuinely concerned about my poor health, to the point of offering to have various genetic experts assess me, or to have a full MRI. Naturally, this presents a delicate issue, as these tests will reveal my little secret.

I'm not concerned about acceptance. He's openly gay, he knows I'm gay, and he's the closest friend I have. Yet, I resist. No matter how accepting someone is, they will always think differently of you. I don't want to be seen as trans, now or ever again. I've worked too hard to keep my secrets. I'm not sure what to do.

talking often helps and honesty is usually the best policy in the end but if you need to chat please P.M. me ,x

 

[temp256]

It wouldn't be simply going to doctors. He has a background in genetics, and would want examine any test results personally. There's no reasonable way to hide if the tests are done.

I'm also concerned about his inability to keep secrets. He seems to have no concept of privacy, and it would most likely mean his boyfriend and another coworker would quickly find out. I suppose I'm heavily leaning towards continued secrecy at the moment.

There's another person I'm considering coming out to now. It seems there's a slight chance of romance with a woman. She's bi, and seems to be trans friendly. To add complication, she's in an open marriage, and is quickly becoming a valuable business contact. I'm fairly certain she desires a sexual relationship with me, and obviously this necessitates coming out.

 

[stickygirl]

Hmmm... you do like to make life complicated!

I'm not sure what to say regarding secrecy - it's your call. For my part, I'm proud of who I am and if people have a problem with me being trans, then I'll just ignore their attitude - they need to wake up. The stereotype of gay men is that they like to gossip and you've coloured your colleague as being unable to keep a secret. The only way to dampened his enthusiasm to gossip, is to make the news as boring as possible and present it in a very matter of fact way. Sorry - I'm clutching at straws here!
The other option you've not offered is to avoid involving him at all. Can't you seek independent medical advice & consultation? Bringing personal health issues into a work environment is seldom a good idea, nor are you obligated to do so.

Open marriages are fine in theory - until they go wrong. I would avoid married people no matter what that partner claims. Have you met the husband? How does he feel about the open marriage idea? Does he even know?

 

[temp256]

I've been to far too many doctors on my own, with no results. The difference here is I have someone with many contacts in the medical world who will be willing to hunt down the problem, and not simply give up immediately. As for not bringing medical issues into the workplace, there's not much I can do when I end up on the floor in pain, unable to move.

I haven't met the husband, but she claims he knows and accepts the open marriage. I'm not sure how I feel about it though. It certainly isn't ideal.

Heh, life is even more complicated. For instance, the woman has a daughter, and I have a standing marriage offer from the coworker. It's...very complicated.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think it would be reasonable to say "I want to keep our friendship/professional relationship separate from a medical one", or something of that sort. One option would be to let him point you to a doctor, on the understanding that you will not discuss the results with him (unless you so choose).

Yeah, clearly he knows you're sick and it's reasonable for a friend/co-worker to be concerned about it, but just because you don't have the option of privacy for part of the situation doesn't mean you've forfeited the right to privacy elsewhere.

 

[temp256]

So far I've been telling him I don't want to talk about it, and he respects this. I'm genuinely concerned about my health as well though. Simply visiting a doctor wouldn't help me at all (I do so endlessly already); he wants to apply his research skills and discover new medicine.

The more I think about it, the more complicated it gets...