Coffee With Blushes - Director's Commentary

[TheWritingGroup]

Coffee with Blushes Director's Commentary
by Annie of the Writing Group

Note: broken into two parts because this forum software limits to 10,000 characters, but then won't let me post a 9600-character version of this commentary.

Welcome to the Writing Group's fiction. We're posting to Literotica to get feedback from a broad audience. We're going to post threads here and request critiques, reactions, and general feedback.

I think this is the right forum. If moderators (or readers!) feel this is the wrong place, let us know.

If you'd like to read my story:
https://www.literotica.com/s/coffee-with-blushes

Director's Commentary follows:

I have a note in the story file to include a description of Liz. I forget to describe characters.

I have another note to make Maria's story rougher. In early drafts it was obviously loving and mutual. You must believe that Liz is fooled. Did you see that Liz is getting suspicious by the end?

From here on, quoting the story, then my comment.

This story takes place in the Slave Grading universe. Many writers have contributed, including Joe Doe, Carl Bradford, and Mr. Smith.

I should have mentioned Katie E. Smith. If I'm not mistaken, she originated slave grading.

Liz and Maria as chapter breaks

This is my first story alternating viewpoints. I decided to just label them.

"... Well, I mean, what can you do in that situation? I whispered 'Yes, master' and drank it all down.”\

This is meant to be weird and jarring. As Liz says, Maria should be more frightened. Originally, Luis used the actual drug. I removed it for plot reasons, and because I liked that the placebo effect let Maria become the desire demon.

“Liz! I thought we were just friends. I am a happily married woman, you know. Mind you, you could be very tempting ….”

There is sexual tension between Liz and Maria. They're both bi, and attracted to each other. They're also both monogamous.

"When you put it that way, I guess I might have noticed. Well, I mean, there are only a few reasons for someone to take ildeslafine, Maria.

I tried to make Liz sound like a pharmacy technician who is studying pharmacology in college. How'd I do?

Crap, she’s right. I’m not panting, thank you God, but it’s definitely a warm, humid day in my panties.

I just want to say that I'm proud of that phrase.

Maria was reflecting, Liz thought. She was thinking back on the experience, trying to choose the right words. I think this might be the first time she ever talked about this ...”

Liz is very analytical. She'll be doing that throughout the story (and in the sequel).

Maria's smile broadened. "No, actually I'm telling it exactly as it happened, or at least how I remember it. I like that you think it's hot, though. Just be patient until I get to the good parts."

How she remembers it, including what she didn't know yet. Present-day Maria knows she never got any Horny Juice, but then-Maria didn't.
CONTINUED IN PART TWO

 

[TheWritingGroup]

PART TWO:

"The paddling wasn't nearly as bad, in terms of pain, as the punishment shock. Each blow hurt, but it was a sharp pain that faded quickly. I could hear the loud 'Smack!' sounds, feel the sting, and then I was waiting for the next one. Any other time, it might have been degrading, humiliating …

She means that being abused by someone she doesn't know or trust was degrading and humiliating. Liz has no way to know that. If you keep reading my stuff, you'll see.

"I didn't even realize I was begging." Maria was speaking quietly, and slowly, looking directly at Liz, eyes unfocused, attention in the past. Her face was just a bit pink under the foundation, tiny beads of sweat forming on her forehead. Her pupils were dilated. I'm so focused on Maria I noticed a tiny change in her pupils. This is a hot story.

Liz is being super analytical again. Even deep into Maria's story, she can't help analyzing her own reaction.

... Liz could see a rapid pulse beating in the side of her neck. Her breathing was fast and uneven, catching on the inhalations. She was so excited, just remembering … Liz was suddenly, weirdly jealous of Maria for having such an overpowering experience.

If you like Liz, that last sentence is very foreboding foreshadowing.

Surfacing from that sweet memory, Maria saw Liz's wide eyes focused tightly on her, the flush, the beads of perspiration on Liz's upper lip, her taut, leaning-forward posture. Liz wasn't upset or frightened any more. She was into the story.

This is meant to mirror Liz's reaction in the previous paragraph. The close friends are now in a world of their own, reacting to each other. Note that Blondie vanished from their perception and thoughts, for instance. Coffee and Blondie won't return until after the big reveal.

Maria was totally in the memory now, looking right at Liz but not seeing her. Her hands had unconsciously moved down and were pressed against her belly now, just as she had described her bondage. Her knees were also spread. If I looked under the table now, would her ankles be crossed at a 90 degree angle? I can't do that, it would break the mood.

Originally, I had Maria's hands bound behind her back. Then I realized: she couldn't really lie on her back very long like that, it would be painful and potentially crippling. Also, Luis would never do that to her. So I moved them. Also, notice Liz analyzing everything again.

… As he spoke, he was already unbuckling the gag. It was only on me for minutes, but it changed the entire mood." Maria took a deep breath, echoing her past self.

Luis isn't interested in inflicting much pain on Maria. He wouldn't leave a gag in her mouth for long. As you read later, she had to insist on the pain she did get. She's tougher than you think.

"And that damnable Horny Juice meant that I was still needy and desperate for more. I just wasn't as desperate."

She's telling the story "as she remembers it".

I think I need to lighten the mood here, maybe remind her she has an audience. "Maria, that's one thing I'll never experience. My boobs are way too small to squeeze out like that."

She's very defensive about her upstairs deficiency. Make a joke out of it! "Well, you could always experience it the other way. There are girls who would give a lot to have you, um, practice your technique on their chests."

The friends are simpático. Here each wants to calm things down for the other. Both of them use flirting to do it.

"… At long last, he climbed onto the bed with me, behind me. His fingers stroked my lower lips, slowly, gently, and then I felt the saliva-slickened head of his penis stroke those lips, while one hand caressed in slow circles around my clit. The other one reached under me to caress a breast."

Do you see anything wrong with that? Through four drafts, I didn't. I have Luis using three hands, one for the clit, one for the breast, one to move his penis. I removed that last sentence and rewrote.

"... Simultaneously, we both made the same sound, a sort of choking 'Oh'. Then we both laughed for a moment."

As Maria says, there's a lot of laughter in this story. Maria just laughs and jokes a lot, and she affects both Liz and Luis.

For just a moment, Liz felt unable to breathe properly. Then she whispershouted, "Luis!? 'Master' was Luis all along?"

This echoes Maria after orgasm, while still gagged. Did anyone get that consciously?

"I'm curious: can you guess why Luis was laughing?"

This was a cue to the reader to guess. I didn't set it up well. You'd have to be familiar with Horny Juice from other people's stories.

Liz looked puzzled. "Learning Spanish? I mean, isn't … I thought it was your birth language."

They are good friends, but new ones. That's one reason they're having an intense, emotional talk now—new best friends.

"… I learned Spanish because I wanted to be able to talk to Bolivian in-laws. Now, we spend a month or so living in Bolivia every year."

This is setup for future Maria and Liz stories. Luis and Maria are very well-off. Liz (as we read later) has escaped poverty, but is still struggling.

… and he started removing the cuffs from my wrists--"and let you use your whole body to please me this time. Do well or your ass will be cherry-red, my beautiful slave!'"

Luis is smart and caring. He won't leave Maria bound in the same position for a long time. That could cause damage.

"Why, are you looking to buy some?" Got smile out of her with that one. "It wasn't that much gear, really. The collar, a canvas belt with d-rings to attach other restraints, handcuffs, an ankle restraint, a paddle. Oh, and a leash. And the gags—the ball gag I mentioned and a penis gag that we didn't use that day, either.

The list keeps growing because Maria hasn't realized until this moment that she has an extensive collection of authentic slave gear. She doesn't give away how surprised she is by her own apparent obsession because she's a very composed person.

Where? At a slave tack shop, of course. That was real slave gear. It was actually quite an experience buying it."

See "Maria and the Tack Shop", already written and coming soon to a Literotica near you.

… He just looks like a "Blondie". Pale skin, long light-blond hair. I wonder if anyone else instantly wants to call him that.

Yes. Everyone.

... Had this kid been enslaved at the famous Longhorn slave ranch? He wasn't old enough, was he? You had to be a legal adult to be indentured.

He's 18, but Liz correctly thinks he wouldn't have had time to be processed, branded, and live through a slave contract, then freed and get a job at Ishmael's and still be quite this young.

OK, enough of me being too wordy. What do you nice folks think?

 

[StillStunned]

Have you thought about entering the "What I Wrote and Why" (WIWAW) challenge that's starting in a few days? https://forum.literotica.com/threads/what-i-wrote-and-why-the-support-thread.1602892/

Or otherwise you could write a WIWAW thread in the Authors' Hangout. There are links to a few examples in the thread I linked to above.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Have you thought about entering the "What I Wrote and Why" (WIWAW) challenge that's starting in a few days? https://forum.literotica.com/threads/what-i-wrote-and-why-the-support-thread.1602892/

Or otherwise you could write a WIWAW thread in the Authors' Hangout. There are links to a few examples in the thread I linked to above.

This is my first story here! I had no idea that was happening.

Thank you!

 

[StillStunned]

This is my first story here! I had no idea that was happening.

Thank you!

Welcome on board, and have fun writing!

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is my first story here! I had no idea that was happening.

Thank you!

This might run better in the Feedback Forum. The Story Discussion forum is very Sleepy Hollow. I'd see how it runs for a couple of weeks, and if it's not got traction, I'd Report the thread and ask for it to be moved.