C'mon, C'mon, C'mon!!!!!!!!

[Chicklet]

<You have to picture me jumping up and down in an excitable way, waving my arms around like wings and whining like a little kid who wants a cookie NOW>

Actually, don't do what I asked above. Now, here, seriously, is my request:

I've written a few stories lately, and posted them. They're doing alright, I think, but I would like to know WHAT makes them good. Or bad. Please, if you have the time, read a couple of my stories and post or PM me feedback.

1) What did you like about the story/my style?

2) What did you dislike about it/what would you like me to improve?

3) What kinds of things were exciting?

4) Which things were boring?

5) If you had to choose three things about my stories (types of scenes, descriptions, etc...) that you would want me to include in another story, which would they be?

6) Same as above but which *wouldn't* you want me to carry over?

I'm a beginner, I don't really know what I'm doing, and I'm not personally excited by my own writing so I don't know what I am doing right/wrong. I would so very much appreciate a couple opinions on the topics.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Chicklet

 

[Chicklet]

Urgh...I'm a reject...

Okay, I just realised that I took the link out of my signature. I apologize to anyone who read this thread before now!! Here's my page:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=102627


Blarp.

Chicklet

 

[NCmVoyeur]

The Express

I picked this one out of the group. Taking your questions as asked:

1) What did you like about the story/my style?

I thought you captured the feeling of a near-empty bus late at night quite well. I enjoyed that you fleshed out the character of the driver a bit before heading into the more erotic things. I thought the pacing was excellent--the glances back and forth, the initial self-consciousness, etc. I also appreciated that you didn't try to overplay the sex and have them doing sexual acrobatics and other amazing feats. It had a realistic feel.

2) What did you dislike about it/what would you like me to improve?

I thought the ending could have been improved; the last sentence in particular.

3) What kinds of things were exciting?

I like the tension created; Nick's struggle to focus on his job while wanting to check out the rear action.

4) Which things were boring?

Nothing, really.

5) If you had to choose three things about my stories (types of scenes, descriptions, etc...) that you would want me to include in another story, which would they be?

Keep putting effort into fleshing out your main character(s) and keeping a realistic feel.

6) Same as above but which *wouldn't* you want me to carry over?

Just some minor editing. Sample sentences: "She was attractive, the girl." ('She' could only mean the girl.)

"As he came, the flood of cum spurting out of his cock, he watched the girl orgasm as well, her gasps and moans filled his ears as his body tightened and electricity shot through his veins."
("Flood of cum' seemed gratuitious in a story that otherwise showed nice restraint in the sexual detail. The sentence could have been broken up; lots going on.)

But overall, I enjoyed it much.

 

[Chicklet]

Thank you, NCM, your feedback is greatly appreciated!

 

[damppanties]

Overtime

I just picked up a story at random and wasn't too happy about it being nonconsent..not my favourite category, but here goes...


1) What did you like about the story/my style?

I liked the theme. Taking out a grudge against the company on the girl was good.

2) What did you dislike about it/what would you like me to improve?

a. I disliked the place where you showed the bad guys trying to be gentle with her. As it is nonconsent, the bad guys should be really bad. I didn't like "Seeming to take pity on her , or else wishing ..."

b. It ended very abruptly. You left the way open for a continuation but I felt that it wasn't properly concluded.

3) What kinds of things were exciting?

As I said earlier, picking on the girl for no fault of hers was exciting. The description of the sex was done well.

4) Which things were boring?

Boring? No...

5) If you had to choose three things about my stories (types of scenes, descriptions, etc...) that you would want me to include in another story, which would they be?

a. I loved the beginning.

b. The way you showed the female character reluctantly and gradually begin to get aroused and hating herself for it.

6) Same as above but which *wouldn't* you want me to carry over?

I don't know about other people, but I got a little confused with the two male characters. In a couple of places, I had to read over again to see which character it was.

I would have liked to see more about the men. I didn't really get a feel for them.. they seemed a little unreal to me. You should've written more about them.



It was a very good story, I enjoyed it. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Chicklet]

Thanks a bunch! In the sequel I'll work on developing the men!

Chicklet

 

[ladyphoenix]

Private Lessons Feedback

Hi Chicklet...here's my few cents worth:

What I Liked: You have a nice way with words; a good basic creativity that will serve you well. While the teacher/student is a cliche (like so many topics in Lit stories) you managed to bring it up from the mediocre by your use of humor and some nice, bright descriptions ("I can just imagine him pounding into me, chanting 'A transitive verb is an action verb.....")

What I Disliked: The length of the story was too much....kind of like building a bridge two miles long for a river half a mile across. You could have condensed it and increased both pace and reader interest in doing so.
Initially, your female character, Adrienne, was unlikeable, or at least silly. I have a college degree in English Education and a minor in Journalism, and none of what she was doing in school sounded reasonably realistic to me. (ie, I don't know if colleges offer 'grammar' courses only, in lieu of English courses; normally grammar is included in English, or Composition, or some other such course).
Adrienne seems almost silly and stupid when I meet her, although as the story progresses I like her more, as she gets away from that and starts to concentrate on seduction, which is more a mindset of a woman. She (forgive me, because in the end, I really did like the story) is quite airhead-like. She seems to be failing at the basics of English, says things like, "I don't know what we ought to cover.....I seriously just don't get any of it". Sounds very airhead-y. Perhaps she might have said, "Could you please explain the specific differences between a dangling participle and an adverbial phrase? That concept is giving me some trouble.", etc. (also, in four years of college and two of grad school, I never discussed 'subordinating conjunctions' and 'correlative conjunctions'. So, I wonder whether you just threw in what you thought would be words and phrases one would associate with English (?).
Also, Adrienne's choice of clothing is completely unbelieveable. The black dress in a college classroom? In my college, she would have been laughed out. The schoolgirl thing could have worked, except for the blouse that was tight, lowcut and "left nothing to the imagination". The leather pants outfit I could buy, but the others were pure fiction, and didn't fit with her real life.
Exciting: I really do think that from about the bathtub scene on, the story started to click. Once out of the schoolroom and into her own bathroom; once out of her airhead "gee, professor, I just don't get it" attitude and into "ok, I'm going to seduce this guy" ADULT mindset, you got it rolling. The masturbatory scene and the whole sexual episode with him was incredibly written!!
Boring: I think I covered that already.
2 or 3 things about the story (descriptions/types of scenes) I would want you to include in your next stories:
This is a tough question. My response is NONE. I mean, every story is a story unto itself, it has a life of its own. When moving to a new topic, new characters, you should not be thinking, "gee, what did I get right last time"? but, "Hey, what can I do now??". Keep moving forward, only look back to learn and appreciate.

Overall, I think the story was worth a read, but if you could have chopped it down by half, you would have made it a much more enjoyable one. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
I did not vote....this one was tough. THe first half was a 3, saved only because you have a good basic talent and were using it well but you were using it in the midst of some tired and unbelieveable material. The last half was definitely a four.

 

[Chicklet]

For anyone else who wants to comment on the use of a grammar class in a college:

At my school, we are required to take a grammar class which is excruciatingly and nitpickingly intense. We *hAVE* to study all those things, all the different types of nouns, verbs, gerunds....all of that. Plus spelling, punctuation, and many many more horrid things. And then, at the end of it, you have to take a test. A long, horrible test...and if you don't get over 85% correct on the test your education stops there! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! Until next term, when you get to take it again.

Chicklet

 

[penguindance]

 

[Fairytat]

At my college I had to test out of the language basics class, which included grammer and whatnot as well. I was very glad that I didn't have to take it as I've heard it's tedious and annoying as hell.

 

[Chicklet]

I love your stories, Chicklet

Awe....I feel all warm and squishy inside. Seriously, cut me open and find out.

 

[penguindance]

 

[Chicklet]

Honestly, I think I'll take your word for it. If I cut you open it wouldn't be any fun to play with you anymore...well, at least it wouldn't be any fun once you started to smell bad....

...unless you had *that* kind of fetish...

 

[Chicklet]

pushing this back up to the top in hopes that more people will read it!

Chicklet

 

[penguindance]