Clubbin'

GolfGirl2448

Virgin
Joined
Nov 13, 2006
Posts
11
Hey Guys,

It's me again. I don't want to be a nuisance, so to anyone who hates my stuff feel free to just pass this by. For anyone who's interested though, this is a story I wrote a little while ago and just made a few minor changes too, and I've had some positive feedback on it, but I'd like to know what you guys think. Thanks, and sorry again for the bother :)

Katie


CLUBBIN'

I was going to the club that night with one mission. I just got out of six-month relationship with a guy I had nothing in common with sexually. He was boring, dull, and honestly—he couldn’t please me how I needed to be pleased. I’ll never make that mistake again. Anyway, I needed so badly to get laid—Hot, hard, and rough. So, I stepped in the door wearing a very revealing black halter top and white micro-mini skirt. Some might call it slutty, but hey, I was going to act slutty tonight.

I had never been to the club alone before, but I really liked noticing all the eyes on me as I walked through the door. I took a few quick glances around the room, checking out all the cute guys in the club. But then I stopped myself…I just looked at a guy and called him cute in my head. I didn’t want a cute guy tonight—I wanted a HOT guy. The idea from the start was one night, and never talk to or see the guy again. I wasn’t going to be all nice to any guy that hit on me tonight either. I was going to get what I wanted, when I wanted it.

Even as I walked back to the bar just a minute or two after I entered the club, I got hit with a few of the typical lame pick-up lines. All of which, by the way, I blew off immediately and didn’t give any of the not so perfect 10 guys a chance. Then I saw him—the guy I wanted. And there was an empty seat by him at the bar. So, I made my way over casually and sat down beside him, checking him out even before I got to the seat. He was about 6’4, totally fit, and perfectly muscular.

I turned to him and gave him a little flirtatious grin as I said “Hi,” which came across a little more innocently than I had intended. However, my worries that my greeting hadn’t been impressive enough were immediately put out when the “Well hello there, gorgeous,” response came out of his mouth, and his eyes wandered all over my body.

It wasn’t really like me, but I couldn’t help but to blush a tiny bit as he said that, I guess I was just a little out of practice. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked me with a smile on his face, as I’m sure there was a wide grin of approval on mine as well. Now normally, I would have accepted his offer and started a nice conversation with him that may have led to something later on in the night, but tonight was different. I decided to just put myself out there.

“Well gorgeous, you could, but I’d rather have you get me a drink out of your refrigerator.” I said as I licked my lips seductively, just enough for him to see. I could already feel my heart beating faster and the adrenaline starting to rush through my body.

With a surprised but very satisfied look on his face, he gently put a hand on my thigh. “I...I don’t even know your name.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you in the morning babe…but, don’t count on it.” I said to him as I started to stand up. Either he’d follow me or be an idiot, but either way it wouldn’t matter. There were plenty more guys out there if he didn’t want to hook up with me. Somehow though, I had a feeling this would be the guy who’s bed I’d wake up in the next morning. And it turned out I was right, as following not even a step behind me was this perfect stranger, whom I knew nothing about, and would hopefully never know anything about, really. I reached my hand out just a little bit for him to take as we made our way out of the club, me leading by just a little bit the whole way.

We flirted heavily on the short five minute drive to his house. His hand slid up my thigh as he drove, I’m sure he could feel the wetness building over my lacy boyshorts. Besides that though, it was a little awkward, as I really had no idea what to say to him--Well, other than the fact that I wanted him to bang the hell outta me, that is. I just stared over at him and caught a couple glances back from him as I lusted after everything about his body.

I opened my own door to get out of the car, not giving him a chance to be a polite gentleman and open it for me. After all, I didn’t want him thinking that this would lead to any kind of a relationship. We did hold hands as we walked into the house; however it was more so him wanting me in his bed more quickly than it was a romantic gesture.

He unlocked the door; we quickly walked into his house, up a flight of stairs, and into his bedroom. He pushed me firmly back onto the bed, and I bounced up just slightly after hitting the firm mattress. I leaned up a little so I could take off my halter top, getting it quickly over my head and throwing it to the floor. Almost immediately after I got it off, he landed beside me on the bed, before rolling over on top of me, propped up by a hand on either side of my shoulders. I slid both hands under his shirt to take it off, pulling it almost too eagerly, as my nail scratched against his face as I did so.

God his abs were sexy. My eyes just feasted on his rock hard abs, broad shoulders, and deep blue eyes as they stared straight into mine. This was exactly what I so desperately wanted—no—what I desperately needed. The thoughts just raced through my head as the feeling of pure sexual lust returned to me for the first time in over half a year.

Within a matter of seconds we were both naked, adrenaline rushing through both of our bodies, already starting to breathe heavily from just the thought of what was about to happen. He leaned down and gave me the hardest, deepest, most passionate kiss I’d ever felt in my life. I wrapped my arms around him and placed my hands on his hips as I pressed his body down towards mine, just enough for his already nearly fully erect cock to brush against my wet pussy lips.

I could hardly take the anticipation any longer as his tongue and lips went wild on my face and neck, biting into my neck a little more than gently. Breathing heavily, I moved my hips upward, and I felt the head of his cock gently part my pussy lips. We both let out a little moan as he entered me.

As just the head of his cock was inside me, he suddenly thrust his hot, hard, luscious body down onto mine, driving his cock deep into me. I just screamed out loudly as he violently thrust into me. “Ohh, Godddd” I just belted out as I gripped onto his hips and pulled him even harder onto me. My nails scratched into his skin with every movement, and my pleasure got greater and greater with every thrust. I hadn’t felt anything like this in forever and I loved every second of it.

Our eyes seemed to devour each other’s body as he continued to thrust down, in and out of me rhythmically. Loud moans escaped my mouth as his cock rammed into me over and over and he moved his right hand down to my throbbing clit. The steady pace continued as I thrust my hips upward towards his cock, now with him gently circling my clit with his index finger.

I couldn’t believe I was already feeling like I was about to orgasm, but it had just been that long since I’d been taken care of like this. I gripped onto his hips hard and pushed him down on me as I felt my pussy start to convulse. My mixed moans and screams got even louder as I climaxed, squirting cum all over his throbbing cock. As I did so, I sent him over the edge too as I thrust up into him, holding there with his balls against my pussy lips. His cum blasted deep inside my pussy, as he grunted and moaned somewhat loudly.
“Ohh yess…fuuccckk”, He half-moaned as his body collapsed on top of mine. I kissed him gently on the lips as he fell on top of me, before he rolled carefully of me and laid down beside me. I knelt up on the bed, moving myself lower and leaning down to suck the juices and cum off of his cock, cleaning him off nicely. I put his cock between my lips, running my tongue along the entire length of the shaft as I cleaned off every last drop of our juices from him, before propping myself up on the headboard and licking my lips.

I ran my hand through his hair gently as both of us finally started to catch our breath. “Wow”, I thought to myself, as it just started to set in that I just had my first one-night stand. I had no idea what the right etiquette was, or what I should do next, but I knew that I couldn’t attach myself emotionally to him at all, so I decided that I had to leave right then and there. I moved over and sat on the edge of the bed, starting to get my clothes on.

“What, you’re leaving baby….You were amazing, please stay hun I want to get to know you.”

After getting my skirt, bra, and halter top back on, I walked over to his side of the bed. “I’m going hun…you were great, that’s what I really needed.”
He looked a little shocked that I would just get up and leave, but hey, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. So I got up and left, walking out of his house feeling refreshed and better than ever.
 
The biggest problem with your writing right now is that it is lifeless. A long narration, with very little heard from your characters.

You need to give your characters voice, let them speak for themselves. This will bring your characters out, and give them substance.
 
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Hi Katie,

You're command of language is just fine, but I agree with drksideofthemoon; you're telling us too much, and showing us too little.

In addition to letting your characters speak for themselves more, you might also work on making your narrative passages more vivid--give us smells and sights and sounds to experience, so we feel like we're there with your characters. At the end of three paragraphs, I don't have one solid sensory detail to bring me into the story, and all I know about your narrator is that she's on the prowl after a breakup. She could be eighteen or fifty, she could be in the Cali suburbs or Manhattan, the club could be filled with college kids or goth types. Those exact details aren't necessarily the important ones, but you should create some kind of atmosphere. What song is playing as she walks in the door? Does it make her body sway as she scans the dance floor? Or make her hope there's about to be a change of DJs? Does the first guy who hits on her reek of cigarettes? Does it gross her out, or make her want to step out for a smoke? With a detail like that, I get a sense of the setting and the character.

I hope that's somewhat helpful.

-Nasha
 
Drk is right, Golfgirl. There are ways you could have done this that would have been a lot more interesting. First, forget the discritpions ("So, I stepped in the door wearing a very revealing black halter top and white micro-mini skirt.") This line could read,

I walked into the bar. At the door I adjusted my revealing black halter top, then sat at the bar with my legs bare under my white micro-mini.

Then you go on with the discription of your story. "I had never been to the club alone before, but I really liked noticing all the eyes on me as I walked through the door. I took a few quick glances around the room, checking out all the cute guys in the club. But then I stopped myself…I just looked at a guy and called him cute in my head. I didn’t want a cute guy tonight—I wanted a HOT guy. The idea from the start was one night, and never talk to or see the guy again. I wasn’t going to be all nice to any guy that hit on me tonight either. I was going to get what I wanted, when I wanted it."

It would have been better if the guy had come up to you to strike up a conversation - letting the characters speak for themselves and letting the "I" say to herself, "This guy is cute, but that's not what I want tonight."

You kept using words like "cute" and "hot." Let your characters grow up. That's high school thinking, girl.

When you do finally (in paragraphs 4 and 5) let the characters speak, it goes nowhere - it doesn't tell me who they are. "Hi" Duhhhhh!! "Can I buy you a drink?" Duhhhhhhhhhh!! Then they don't say anything again until paragraphs 6, 7 and 8 where they are suddenly ready to fuck :rolleyes:

The last time, is far down in the story where "I" is cumming and yells (?) "God!"

This just isn't very life like, original or interesting. Learn to let your characters tell there own story - don't do it for them.
 
comments....

The first time I read this story I very much liked it. I thought the comments/feedback are interesting, and I can definitely see how dialogue could spruce it up a bit as an alternative (or even primary) way to convey the ideas.

What I like about this story is it's so single minded. Is the age of the woman really important? If that's ambiguous is there a universality to what she wants and what she's doing? (I don't know, I don't pretend to understand women lol)

To me every statement ties directly back to the objective. Getting laid. I hate to use the phrase "on message", as that's meant as a complement. To me the story doesn't wander because it's very focused. I like that.

Found it kinda hot, actually.....Keep it up g-girl ;)
 
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