Cleaning up Paris - my 2nd story on Lit

[strokin951]

My second story just got posted. I received the following anonymous comment via email:

"Anonymous Comments:
Not bad - one comment - on the basis of three years living in Paris I can say that dogshit is as common as you describe- however the French rarely step in it - mostly tourists. While a clebard is a dog - or monster - I believe that the French would refer to the turd as a croute - lying on the crourtoir a combination of croute and trottoir (sidewalk) There should also have been some interjections of 'merde'(shit) in the dialog. Still good story."

Chagrined posted a public comment as follows:
"YEAH, you caught the essence of Paris!
Dog shit everywhere but you can't beat the cafe's, shops, and brasierres! Been there as well. Very convincing except you didn't let the audience know that the only reason she gave a damn about her husband coming home was because she didn't have his dinner on board! It wouldn't have been because she didn't want him to know she was screwing another guy. They are very liberated in their attitudes there about that sort of thing as long as one is "discrete". "

Thanks for the feedback.

I am not fluent in French, certainly not idiomatic, vernacular French, so the language insight is helpful. It's tough to write even a few lines convincingly in another language. Makes you appreciate someone like Joseph Conrad even more.

The "caught the essence of Paris!" comment is really gratifying. Thanks. Personally, I am an unashamed Francophile: I love Paris, the French language, French food, wine, cheese. All that freedom fries nonsense and pouring good wine into the gutter made this nation (USA) look so ridiculous, in my opinion.

(Stage direction: Firmly grasps wooden spoon to more effectively stir the shit - )
Although US politicians love to site the American revolution as the start of democracy, that was really a bunch of rich, white guys getting others to fight for them and their benefit - so, what's changed?!. If you really want to see the birth of modern democracy look to the French revolution of 1792!

Anyway, politics aside, please check out my story.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=182602

 

[goro goro]

I am not fluent in French, certainly not idiomatic, vernacular French, so the language insight is helpful. It's tough to write even a few lines convincingly in another language. Makes you appreciate someone like Joseph Conrad even more.

You might get around this problem if you state somewhere in the beginning that the conversation was held in French and then write it translated. The way you did it, giving the original French first and then translating it in the protagonist's mind, feels a bit awkward since it doubles the dialogue. But enough of the bad criticism; let's get to the good stuff.
Your descriptions of the setting and the characters are well done - brief, but on point. You chose some very good details, such as the hair under her arm, the dog poo or the charcoal; everyday things that are not often used in Lit stories and therefore very intriguing. You seem to have an eye for that - keep it open !
I hope that was helpful in any way.