Cleaning up my life...

[CrimsonMaiden]

Okay, so it's looking very possible, unless I get a miracle, that I might be going through a break-up and divorce in the near future. He's made it very clear that if I file, he won't be civil and adult about it and will do everything in his power to "screw me" so that he gets the kids, and I don't. For anyone who has been through this, what suggestions do you have as far as pre-cautions I can take and things I can do to ensure that does not happen if I do end up filing? (Keep in mind I live in a small town in the middle of the Bible belt.)

I do not want to live my entire life in a loveless marriage and be miserable, but I also cannot stand to lose my children. It would break me.

 

[kendo1]

*Hugs* Crimbly.

I'm sure there are a few who can help here.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It's rare that father's get custody of the children unless the mother is in prison or has a destructive lifestyle.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

*big tight hugs* Oh Crim

I can't help yet but I know the feeling.

 

[impressive]

Unless the judge determines that you are a danger to your children, you will not "lose" them. Yes, it's possible (although unlikely) you won't be the primary custodial parent. That's not really the end of the world, is it?

The court listens to both sides and makes a determination based on the best interests of the children. Your spouse's ranting and raving (and throwing a bunch of money at an attorney) will not endear him to the court.

Good luck!

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

It's rare that father's get custody of the children unless the mother is in prison or has a destructive lifestyle.

The worst thing in my life is that I frequent this place and write stories, lol. What he has against me is that I'm not the best housekeeper, and I don't cook often. No, I'm not Martha Stewart, but my kids are always fed and clean, have clean clothes to wear, and yes, the house is a bit scattered, but it's not a pigsty. No, I'm not perfect, but neither is he (though he thinks he is.)

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's rare that father's get custody of the children unless the mother is in prison or has a destructive lifestyle.

And I'm sure that's what her husband will say-- that she has a destructive lifestyle. Not because she has, of course.

What can she do to help protect herself?


One thing, Crim, is that you will need to hide your online associations. Protect your computer and do everything to prevent him from getting access to your files and internet history. Because he will try to present them in the worst possible light.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Unless the judge determines that you are a danger to your children, you will not "lose" them. Yes, it's possible (although unlikely) you won't be the primary custodial parent. That's not really the end of the world, is it?

The court listens to both sides and makes a determination based on the best interests of the children. Your spouse's ranting and raving (and throwing a bunch of money at an attorney) will not endear him to the court.

Good luck!

I'm fully willing to share custody of the children. I have no interest in cutting him out of their life. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to share.

 

[pellso27]

Anyone who would threaten theis wife with such things, well it would be best to count your loses and get the hell away from the asshole.

 

[starrkers]

And I'm sure that's what her husband will say-- that she has a destructive lifestyle. Not because she has, of course.

What can she do to help protect herself?


One thing, Crim, is that you will need to hide your online associations. Protect your computer and do everything to prevent him from getting access to your files and internet history. Because he will try to present them in the worst possible light.

Stella got here first.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might research narcissism, Crim. See if it fits him.

If so, you could conceivably make a case that his personality disorder is deleterious to the kids' social development.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

And I'm sure that's what her husband will say-- that she has a destructive lifestyle. Not because she has, of course.

What can she do to help protect herself?


One thing, Crim, is that you will need to hide your online associations. Protect your computer and do everything to prevent him from getting access to your files and internet history. Because he will try to present them in the worst possible light.

My net surfing history is not saved and I do not archive im conversations. Of course, cookies are, but I will be more vigilant about erasing them often. I have my own laptop and it is password protected. I have also downloaded a "shredder" program that securely deletes things by overwriting them 35 times with random data. I will be cleaning up my files using that. I plan to keep anything personal on a flash drive that I can easily mail to a friend if need be.

I will do the same thing to the desktop (that is mainly used by the kids) upstairs. The *only* thing on it is cookies from Lit. I will delete those and then not use that computer for anything "adult" oriented.

Do I need to go as far as changing my Lit names? I don't think he knows this one, and I'm not sure if he has the other one (my writing ID) or not. I think he used to have it bookmarked, but I'm not sure if he does anymore (and I have no way of finding out.) Would there be any realistic way for him to prove that was me?

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Just inform your lawyer of anything that he could possibly hold against you before filing so that he has time to plan his counter strategies.

I wish you luck in finding a happy life though.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

You might research narcissism, Crim. See if it fits him.

If so, you could conceivably make a case that his personality disorder is deleterious to the kids' social development.

......

 

[rgraham666]

*HUGS* Crim.

All my suggestions are unethical and illegal, so I shan't type them down.

Sending strength and positive vibes your way.

 

[Lady Reiha]

What a jerk! A low-life scum!
The one thing you must possibly do is sell yourself to the court. Show them that your better than what he makes you out to be. May I ask how old your children are? Chances likely, they too will have a say in court on who they want to live with. Unless your a terrible mother, they will most likely side with you sweetie. And if you haven't done anything wrong, the most the court will do is make you two alternate weeks with your children. One week with you, One week with him or whatever you two decide- at court.
This is what happened when my aunt and uncle got custody of me. I was suppose to live with my sister, but my sister didn't want to be responsible of me. My aunt and uncle won ( my sister admitted she didn't want me), but she gets full access to seeing me 24/7. Don't worry too much about it : )

 

[Lady Reiha]

My net surfing history is not saved and I do not archive im conversations. Of course, cookies are, but I will be more vigilant about erasing them often. I have my own laptop and it is password protected. I have also downloaded a "shredder" program that securely deletes things by overwriting them 35 times with random data. I will be cleaning up my files using that. I plan to keep anything personal on a flash drive that I can easily mail to a friend if need be.

I will do the same thing to the desktop (that is mainly used by the kids) upstairs. The *only* thing on it is cookies from Lit. I will delete those and then not use that computer for anything "adult" oriented.

Do I need to go as far as changing my Lit names? I don't think he knows this one, and I'm not sure if he has the other one (my writing ID) or not. I think he used to have it bookmarked, but I'm not sure if he does anymore (and I have no way of finding out.) Would there be any realistic way for him to prove that was me?

No. The court cannot use this against you. As long as your stories are not of incest or in any way connected with children. He can sell your lit ID to the courts and they'll just laugh!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am NOT a lawyer, just someone with PR instincts...

 

[Lady Reiha]

I have an arrest record for domestic assault to use against him. How much would that help?

*shrugs* I don't know- sorry.

 

[Lady Reiha]

Quite a bit, I would think!

But I am NOT a lawyer, just someone with PR instincts...

Same here- but I did take Law in Highschool, so this seems like a mild case. No need to worry.

 

[christabelll]

It's rare that father's get custody of the children unless the mother is in prison or has a destructive lifestyle.

thats what you think....I had neither destructive life style nor prison record - and he got custody

if she doesnt show enough emition she is heartless and unreachable if she shows to much hysterical and manipulative.

Crim Darling _ its sucks and I was in BB Hell for mine. Whatever you do - Get a GOOD LAWYER- period bar none get a good lawyer who really is on your side.
Record Everything. Make structured coherent lists of his yours and "ours" and if you can provide receipts even better (get your financial house in order and completely seperate from his) change all your passwords!!!! and anything you thing you think might be used against you will be. Compromising materials (toys, magazines) all that must be gone.
Download CC Cleaner and clean your computer everynight with it.

ANd no matter what he threatens you with - or you suspect - DO NOT RUN- threats can be handled - running sets you up to lose (unless your pulp and in a state run safe house)

If you live in a no fault state - you are SOL for a lot of things that our parents may have had allowed
If you came in with a pet its still your pet - etc etc etc

I am sooo sorry you are going through this Darling. Its a long and unhappy row that does eventually come out happy

If I think of more I'll let you know.

 

[Monazwx]

What's the name of your shredder program? I may be interested in something like that.
Good luck to you, with your case. I would say that you have nothing to worry about,
but since you're in Biblebelt territory, cover your @ss, cause they frown upon every little thing.

Edit - I didn't the domestic assault things above. No court in thei right mind would send the children to a violent man, when the mother is sane and competent. If/when he exposes your ties to Lit, don't lie about them, acknowledge them and move on, shifting the focus to concentrating on you, the mother, having the welfare of your kids at heart.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

No. The court cannot use this against you. As long as your stories are not of incest or in any way connected with children. He can sell your lit ID to the courts and they'll just laugh!

I do have some incest because of writing for Survivor, however those will shortly be biting the dust. I'm not even going to keep copies of them on my flash drive.

I am worried about the court using it (Lit) against me though. Like I said in a previous post, I live in a very small town in the Bible belt.

 

[The_Fool]

Get a good lawyer. Be the one to file. Don't let him preempt you. Don't tip your hand. Don't be cruel, mean or argumentative. Be cool. Be distant. Keep a journal. In fact, go back and document the issues.

 

[The_Fool]

I do have some incest because of writing for Survivor, however those will shortly be biting the dust. I'm not even going to keep copies of them on my flash drive.

I am worried about the court using it (Lit) against me though. Like I said in a previous post, I live in a very small town in the Bible belt.

There has to be documented proof, otherwise it is hearsay.