chubby wife

[jros4]

OK. I looked through all the sticky posts, have exhausted google and have talked to her, so now I turn to you.

My wife and I are both 39. When I met her she was not a thin girl and has always had a shape that was more curvy than thin. Wide shoulders, love handles, and big thighs. I LOVE IT! We have two kids and she has put on even more weight, I LOVE IT! Do not get me wrong is she were to drop the 20lbs she has gained I would love it just the same. She is not very sexual and I think it is due to self esteem issues stemming from her weight. What I need to know is how to help her accept her body and realize that I LOVE IT!

I find my self attracted to curvy women. Maybe this is because I am married to her but she is not the first women I was with that had hips, a belly, and "extra" weight. I love her body and would ravage it every night given the opportunity.

She dresses in baggy clothes and when she dresses for bed changes in a way that obscures her body from me. I have told her so many times that I love the way she looks and is built. I have spent time worshiping her body and every "flaw" to try and let her know that I LOVE IT! But still she does not accept it.

I know that until she loves her body she cannot think that someone else would. This is where you come it. How do I help her love her self so that she knows that I love her also. I have tried to encourage her to buy more shape flattering clothes (even offering her a personal shopper to get her set up).

I love her and she is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I think she knows that. Any advice on how to help her love her body is appreciated.

 

[Semlvr]

Start slow

Always having been a curvy girl myself, I can identify. Even when married for long time...I never really got comfortable with my body.

When I divorced and started dating again I was blessed to meet a man that fell in love with me exactly how I was...inside and out.

Early in the relationship, he tried convincing me with words that he loved my body and I had mo reason to hide it. Similar to you, he encouraged me to dress in ways that accentuated my best features...and be more comfortable without being dressed when we were alone.

While touching, his words weren't enough.

So one date night that I will never forget, he asked to stay in instead of go out. He said he wanted to spend the evening helping me become more comfortable in front of him. He proposed that we have a drink and talk about anything...but we do so topless.

I reluctently agreed and I recall being very uncomfortable at first. But soon I was into out conversation...and kinda forgot I was partially naked. Very patiently and with much reassurance, he continued to encourage me to expand my comfort zone.

Several years later, I'd say I'm 75 to 80 percent there from where I was to where it seems a loving couple should be in terms of their comfort with nudity in front of each other.

I credit this to his patience, love and understanding. And though it took a that lies long time...I love that I can now be naked in front of my lover and feel nothing but sexy instead of nervous and ashamed.
Go slow...keep reassuring her...and hopefully she will eventually find the sex goddess that is in every woman!!!

 

[sunandshadow]

So does she know the fat acceptance movement and fat admirers exist? Has she ever seen pin-ups of BBWs and the enthusiastic response of a male audience to them? Learning about these things, and taking the final step of posting nude pics of myself and getting compliments and requests for more were the process I went through to become relatively happy with my body.

On the other hand, if she already knows fat acceptance and fat admiration exist but she thinks they're wrong-headed, then she's unfortunately made the decision to not accept herself as fat, or anyone else either.

 

[Patchouli]

are there parts of her body that she does like? generally, even self-conscious girls have some part of their body that they do like. for instance, if she's chubby, i bet she has a great rack . maybe find out the areas of her body that she feels comfortable with and spend some time lavishing those areas with attention. reinforce her good feelings. you can go from there once she seems to be responding to that. you need to work slowly, as she has many years of poor body image (reinforced daily by society at large) to conquer.

oh, and make sure that you describe her with words that have a positive association for her. i wouldn't recommend using the word chubby, for instance. it's a fairly positive word, but to the self conscious it still means "fat". maybe use words like curvy, voluptuous, rubenesque, or some such. my husband said that i was chubby and beautiful once, and boy...did that make me unhappy. i didn't hear the beautiful part, i just heard "fat". he also once told me that i was "curvy and delicious", and that was a hit!

 

[justherhusband]

Just wondering, how old are your kids? Was she this way before you had kids?

My wife went through a phase like you are describing for a few years. It wasn't until our youngest was about 3 years old and out of diapers that she opened back up. Now it's better than ever.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I've a relative that went through the same thing. Wife got uber fat, he didn't really care. He would've gladly thrown her down and given her a bit of what for, but she was all insecure about her body. No amount of pleading, flowers, niceties, or whatever could convince her to give more than a lame ass hand job.
At the same time she became super jealous and possessive...it ended in divorce.

 

[jros4]

thank you

I appreciate all your feedback...hopefully even more will come.

I would never call her chubby. She is over weight (by about 35lbs) and has a nice big ass that I love and her thighs are thick and love being between them. She is not a BBW (I do not like that term) but none the less she hate all her body. She knows she needs to lose some weight and is uncomfortable with it. It takes time for someone to take the motivation of losing the thing they are unhappy with. I lost 40 pounds a couple years ago and so she sees that I like my body more...I am willing to give her all the time she needs.

I like the idea of a date night in where we sit around naked. Pretty sure she would not go for it. She is not as adventurous with sex as I would like to be. We have a weekend away without kids and I have reserved a hotel suite that has a hot tub so hoping that will spice things up and maybe staying in there and being naked in the hot tub all weekend will be the trick?

Anyway keep the comments coming.

 

[Noor]

offer her a gift certificate to Mama Gena's

http://www.mamagenas.com/

I think the school is a bit nutty but its infectious and women get into their bodies.

 

[berg177]

I am an unrepentant curvy girl chaser (I think we can all agree that "chubby" is never going to go down well). Every curvy girl I've been with has had a body image issue to some degree or another. A few of them didn't like themselves enough to allow me to love them and there was nothing that I, or really anyone but themselves, could do to change that. That doesn't sound like the case here and my advice is this: Don't confuse her public image of herself with her private image. They are two different battles and the one that concerns you is what she believes you feel. In other words don't try to effect her dress or even mention how other people may see her, even if you think she might be pleasantly surprised to know how common it is for men to prefer bigger women. Just make it about how you feel about her. Light your whole face up when you see her. Watch her with a big smile on your face. Don't push the compliments but listen for opportunities to drop them in. Don't bother saying she's sexy in sweats; she undoubtedly has a brain on her shoulders but don't over compliment when she is dressed nicely- she'll think you are trying to condition her.

Be patient. All the best things in life are marathons and not sprints.

 

[NippleMuncher]

So one date night that I will never forget, he asked to stay in instead of go out. He said he wanted to spend the evening helping me become more comfortable in front of him. He proposed that we have a drink and talk about anything...but we do so topless.

I reluctently agreed and I recall being very uncomfortable at first. But soon I was into out conversation...and kinda forgot I was partially naked. Very patiently and with much reassurance, he continued to encourage me to expand my comfort zone.

I would highly recommend this, though likely without the suggestion of nudity as it would shut her down when you need her to open up and be honest in the communication.

I've seen many instances where a woman becomes overly self-conscious and pull away from their partners, both emotionally and sexually. She can no longer see why her mate loves her. One story in particular that's stuck with me is a situation similar to yours, where after a few kids and a few pounds, the woman's self image went south. She didn't want her husband to see how "hideous" she'd become. It wasn't until they had a frank conversation that the husband was able to express to her the depth of his love. He looked at her as the mother of his children and the love of his life, how could he not love her for who she was? She didn't realize how beautiful he saw her to be or how thankful he was for the children and her to be in his life. Once she did, the relationship blossomed.

The second thing, if she's seen you lose weight, but hasn't been able to herself, that affects her self-image. Have you supported her or offered to include her in your weight loss journey? If not, find a way to include her by taking evening walks together or going to the gym together, whatever gets you BOTH motivated, do it together.

 

[jros4]

thank you

I appreciate all the helpful feedback. I am shocked that someone did not start some debate or insult me. I think you can all see that I actually care about making my wife more comfortable with herself.

I will take all this into my brain and try and apply it over the next month and see how our trip goes.

Thanks again!

 

[subwannabe]

I've not only dealt with this before in the past but seen it many times. My experience tells me you are in over your head. She really needs a professional.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I appreciate all the helpful feedback. I am shocked that someone did not start some debate or insult me. I think you can all see that I actually care about making my wife more comfortable with herself.

I will take all this into my brain and try and apply it over the next month and see how our trip goes.

Thanks again!

You rarely see flaming of sincere questions. Good luck, and please report back with your decisions and progress.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

OK. I looked through all the sticky posts, have exhausted google and have talked to her, so now I turn to you.

My wife and I are both 39. When I met her she was not a thin girl and has always had a shape that was more curvy than thin. Wide shoulders, love handles, and big thighs. I LOVE IT! We have two kids and she has put on even more weight, I LOVE IT! Do not get me wrong is she were to drop the 20lbs she has gained I would love it just the same. She is not very sexual and I think it is due to self esteem issues stemming from her weight. What I need to know is how to help her accept her body and realize that I LOVE IT!

I find my self attracted to curvy women. Maybe this is because I am married to her but she is not the first women I was with that had hips, a belly, and "extra" weight. I love her body and would ravage it every night given the opportunity.

She dresses in baggy clothes and when she dresses for bed changes in a way that obscures her body from me. I have told her so many times that I love the way she looks and is built. I have spent time worshiping her body and every "flaw" to try and let her know that I LOVE IT! But still she does not accept it.

I know that until she loves her body she cannot think that someone else would. This is where you come it. How do I help her love her self so that she knows that I love her also. I have tried to encourage her to buy more shape flattering clothes (even offering her a personal shopper to get her set up).

I love her and she is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I think she knows that. Any advice on how to help her love her body is appreciated.

One of the things you run into when in a relationship with a woman who is over-sensitive about her appearance, (whether its weight or anything else), if you react to her over-sensitivity, it just makes it worse. If you react to her sensitivity about her weight, she will think there really is something wrong with her appearance and you are just trying to make her feel good.

If you act like nothing is wrong, eventually she will get used to being nude around you. If you suggest that she buy certain kinds of clothes, that can make her feel like you really think that she is fat and you are trying to compensate. Usually, if you act like nothing is wrong, she will think nothing is wrong.

 

[qrayze]

One of the things you run into when in a relationship with a woman who is over-sensitive about her appearance, (whether its weight or anything else), if you react to her over-sensitivity, it just makes it worse. If you react to her sensitivity about her weight, she will think there really is something wrong with her appearance and you are just trying to make her feel good.

If you act like nothing is wrong, eventually she will get used to being nude around you. If you suggest that she buy certain kinds of clothes, that can make her feel like you really think that she is fat and you are trying to compensate. Usually, if you act like nothing is wrong, she will think nothing is wrong.

This. Works.

As a "chubby" woman, the road to self acceptance is long. (very long it seems since I'm still traveling it) The best thing my fwb has done is exactly what Nasty_Deeds advised. I used to always wear some kind of lingerie during sex to cover up my stomach, but the last two times, I've been completely naked. And the best thing was that his reaction was no different than when I would wear something. To him it all was just "normal".

 

[subwannabe]

I'd like to take this moment to address any women who feel they fit in this category. I have gone through this with my previous wife and my current wife and I have seen it with many others. My wives were definetly overweight but had nicely shaped bodies. I was always amazed that nicely shaped overweight women would always wear big oversized what I call "boxy" clothes - clothes with no shape - they seem to fit on just like a big square box. I have never been able to figue out this mentality, someone who is overweight buying clothes that were actually bigger than they were and with no shape to show off the nice curves that they do have. It all seems to be about covering everything up and I just don't think they realize that that choice of clothing actually makes them look worse.

For married women or women who already have partners they always want to have sex in the dark so we can't see anything or they wear clothing or lingerie where their partner can't see that they are overweight. I've got news for all of these women - we already know you are overweight and we already know what you look like, and, guess what? WE'RE OK WITH THAT AND WE WOULDN'T BE THERE IF WE HADN'T CHOSEN YOU! And, more importantly, it would turn us on a whole lot more if you dressed sexier, in clothes or lingerie your size, and we would love to have sex with you while the lights are on! After all, boobs are still boobs and a pussy is still a pussy. The rest is different in everyone.

 

[sphy2]

If she is uncomfortable with her weight, you could always help her to loose some pounds (pretend you want to loose weight?). Small changes in diet like adding more plants (fruits, vegetables, and beans) and reducing meats, sugars, fats, and processed foods can make a big difference over time.

More importantly though, try adding activities like walking together (get a dog!) as it is always beneficial and will likely help her confidence and give her more energy, even if her weight remains the same!

 

[shortstuff02]

I have been down this road. My self esteem was very low. The first night I was with my SO I was trying to hide under the sheets as much as possible. He kept asking if everything was alright. I had gone into the bathroom and he followed me which threw me completely out of my comfort zone. I asked what he was doing and when he realized I was uncomfortable he left the bathroom. I actually shut the door and locked it. I was in a relationship prior where I was always knocked down and did not feel good about myself at all.

As the relationship progressed it got easier after we did a lot of talking. In talking it helped me a lot. He reminded me that to him I was sexy. It has since gotten to the point that I have absolutely no second thoughts of walking around naked in front of him or him coming into the bathroom with me.

This was through trust and talking a lot that helped me work through the issue and learn to love myself. My self esteem is much better now and I am much happier.

 

[sweettreat601]

My love and I have been together for seven years and married for two. I am 49 and he 56. From day one, he made it clear that his preference was larger women- a good thing since I am a "big girl."
Perhaps one of the biggest confidence boosters is the fact that when out in public he wants to hold hands, hold me close to his body, give me a peck on the cheek or lips now and then. He is proud to be my husband and tells me that often. These little things really do seem to make a difference in helping a girl accept her body.
At home, not a day goes by that I dont hear something along the lines of "baby, you've got beautiful titties." He is complimentary of the parts he loves, which makes me willing and very eager to show them off.
I must admit, I was in my early 40's before I learned to relax and really enjoy my body and before I stopped being so hard on myself. At that point, I pretty much said "screw it, I am what I am."
Once while waiting to check out at the "BigGirl" clothing store my hubby spotted a table full of thong panties. "Baby" he said "you need some of these" as he hoisted the thong up for me to see. Laughingly, I replied, "oh right, they're tiny, you'd never be able to find them if I put them on" To which he replied "oh but looking for them would be half the fun!" Needless to say, I fell out laughing as did the other three customers in line.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out well. Unfortunately, from our youngest days, women are taught we must live up to certain body standards, and it is often difficult to accept our imperfections.

 

[Patchouli]

My love and I have been together for seven years and married for two. I am 49 and he 56. From day one, he made it clear that his preference was larger women- a good thing since I am a "big girl."
Perhaps one of the biggest confidence boosters is the fact that when out in public he wants to hold hands, hold me close to his body, give me a peck on the cheek or lips now and then. He is proud to be my husband and tells me that often. These little things really do seem to make a difference in helping a girl accept her body.
At home, not a day goes by that I dont hear something along the lines of "baby, you've got beautiful titties." He is complimentary of the parts he loves, which makes me willing and very eager to show them off.
I must admit, I was in my early 40's before I learned to relax and really enjoy my body and before I stopped being so hard on myself. At that point, I pretty much said "screw it, I am what I am."
Once while waiting to check out at the "BigGirl" clothing store my hubby spotted a table full of thong panties. "Baby" he said "you need some of these" as he hoisted the thong up for me to see. Laughingly, I replied, "oh right, they're tiny, you'd never be able to find them if I put them on" To which he replied "oh but looking for them would be half the fun!" Needless to say, I fell out laughing as did the other three customers in line.
Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out well. Unfortunately, from our youngest days, women are taught we must live up to certain body standards, and it is often difficult to accept our imperfections.

what an awesome reply. i actually lol'd. good for you (and your hubby)!

 

[Noira]

It's very difficult to learn to love yourself when you're a big girl... be that 10 pounds overweight (damn, but I hate those skinny girls who sulk about their 'fat thighs' when I could fit two of them into my thighs) or 100 pounds overweight. Do you know why? Because even unconsciously, and perhaps very intentionally, your female friends and coworkers will bombard you with media and comments and things that will make you feel fat.

"That looks pretty good. I want chocolate," my supervisor, a damn sexy lady if I have anything to say about it, sulks over the lunch table.

"Then have some," I say as I enjoy my chocolate cake.

"Oh, I can't. I'm on a diet."

Then one of my coworkers will launch into a conversation about this thing that happened on the Biggest Loser the other day and munch on her carrot sticks, while my ridiculously skinny coworker will pick at her salad and throw half of it away... another fat coworker will skip lunch because she 'has to lose some weight'... the guys will whip out the pin-up girl from the paper and show her off and talk about how sexy she, an obviously airbrushed model, is.

In the middle of all this I'm sitting there, eating cake.

Heaven forbid the next day I eat salad for lunch. "You're finally going on a diet!" the skinny one happily exclaims.

"Fuck no," I say, pulling out a chocolate bar just to spite her and her carrot sticks. "I just wanted some salad."



Women are cruel to each other and even if you're not very overweight, as my very nice, sexy, skinny coworkers can attest to... you feel overweight. Women who aren't fat and aren't hugely unhealthy feel that way because every magazine declares LOSE WEIGHT NOW and shows a size 0 model to go with it... the only clothing made in 'big' sizes looks fat too. When you're bombarded with skinny, scrawny pictures and weight loss shows and inanity such as that... it's really hard to be confident and self-loving.

The short of it is this: all women hate their body. You need to get it through her head that you'd rather have her, a real, loving, warm, cuddly woman than some idealistic concept. But there's no easy way to do that. It took me years to break away from all the teenager taunts about my weight... which was when I was only 10 pounds overweight. Take sexy pictures of her. Get her clothing that accents the good and not the bad. Make SURE she ditches the fat clothes. I really feel a great bra is absolutely essential to a curvy woman's look... and good pants or a great skirt. Once, one of my coworkers wore these awesome tight jeans and I could NOT stop looking at her. I'd seen her in normal pants before and brushed off her looks, but in those jeans, good gravy, but her ass was amazing. So really, getting the right clothing can do a ton for someone's confidence... and looks, too.

But short of sitting around naked and sipping wine, there's so little you can do. It's psychological. She has to get over that confidence block herself, and love HERSELF for who SHE IS because SHE IS AWESOME.

But try get that through the head of someone who's spent most of their life thinking "I'm ugly and fat"... really, it's got to be self-directed. So many times I tell my friends and coworkers that seriously, they are not fat and they have a freaking sexy whatever but nope... it's psychological, they just can't get over their fat thighs/small bust/chubby arms/scrawny build/ugly nose/facial blotch/crooked teeth...

But you look real! No guy wants a pretend woman. If he does, he's too superficial for you.

Doesn't cut it. I want to burn every magazine ever, really... just a little bit... and inject some real female actors into the business. Until media changes, many women are going to be self-loathing because of what they see.

But thanks for thinking she's sexy! Us other chubby women appreciate seeing proof that men love real women, not concepts of women.

 

[klippert]

I know women are their own worst critics.... They scrutinize themselves worse than anyone....

My wife is a dbl digit size....not a huge by any stretch. Since giving birth three yrs. ago, she has packed on 25lbs (her words). she has lost 10 of that.... but it was myself and my passion for her, no matter what size.... well if she went over the edge, I would have put a word in. MrsK hadn't bought a new bathing suit in more than six yrs. I told her she needed a bikini....her eyes bugged out. Her most disliked asset was and still is.... her belly.

My obsession for my wife physically and emotionally, encouraged her. So, she bought two bikinis...she stressed that she was going to pick them out. My reaction when she modeled them..... instant Hard on. Last summer and this summer she has a great tan, and turns heads on the beach..... just this Mon. and Tues. on Hilton Head Island. Sure she still a little on the plus size, has hit the plateau on her diet, but her curves get a lot of attention......and watching others checking her out is a major turn on.... it also help too post erotic pix of her on the web.

just yesterday she was waring one of her older suits that she can ware again.... It is a little worn out... I told her she has too keep it.... hehe, when she finished her dip in the pool, I noticed something...you can see her whole areola through the wet suit.....I luv it... all these guys heads just snapped her direction....when she walked by, they all chat her up..... I think some of the wives were a little upset.... but, she was less a threat than there tongue wagging hubbies.... and they knew I knew; what it was that had the blood flowing in a region that hasn't felt 'That' growing in a long time..

After all this, my point, Re-enforcement. especially her knowing she can still turn heads.... I don't buy this.... difficulty to like or love yourself because of your size. That is a poor way too try for attention. What I see, letting yourself go, when you get huge then you have a problem.... If you don't or didn't have positive re-enforcement growing up. You bound for the shrink. We're not all gods and goddess.....we are who we are... If your wife walks with her chin down, you need too re-enforce her and all your positives. I knew and did MrsK know she let herself go....BUT....I had my hands on her every chance... encouraged her to ware tighter tops... that drew attention too her big boobs... 'I' encouraged it.... and this re-enforced her......sure she would like too be a size 6-8....

negitive re-enforcement.....will land you with some prick..... if you don't have that positive enforcement... than build yourself up... pick yourself up, its easy.....

 

[bailadora]

Until media changes, many women are going to be self-loathing because of what they see.

And the self-loathing starts at such a very early age. A couple of weeks ago I saw a news piece (I wish I could find the link) about a 6 year old girl from Texas who told her mother that she wanted to go on a diet because she thought she was too fat. It made me think WTF, because the little girl wasn't overweight at all. But I guess all her friends are smaller than she is and she's already feeling the sting of poor body image.

Little girls buy into this shit sooo early that it's frightening. The reporter did an informal experiment: showing a group of 5-7 year old girls a range of pictures of other little girls and asking them to determine if the pictured girl was fat or not. And I have to tell you, some of the girls deemed "fat" were absolutely within normal BMI range.

It's sad how early our kids' minds are poisoned, often without us being aware of it or even aware that we, ourselves are contributing to it. Someone on another forum recently posted this link on how to talk to little girls. It's an excellent article and dead on. It's forever changed my thinking on how I will converse with girls.

 

[IrisAlthea]

And the self-loathing starts at such a very early age. A couple of weeks ago I saw a news piece (I wish I could find the link) about a 6 year old girl from Texas who told her mother that she wanted to go on a diet because she thought she was too fat. It made me think WTF, because the little girl wasn't overweight at all. But I guess all her friends are smaller than she is and she's already feeling the sting of poor body image.

Little girls buy into this shit sooo early that it's frightening. The reporter did an informal experiment: showing a group of 5-7 year old girls a range of pictures of other little girls and asking them to determine if the pictured girl was fat or not. And I have to tell you, some of the girls deemed "fat" were absolutely within normal BMI range.

It's sad how early our kids' minds are poisoned, often without us being aware of it or even aware that we, ourselves are contributing to it. Someone on another forum recently posted this link on how to talk to little girls. It's an excellent article and dead on. It's forever changed my thinking on how I will converse with girls.

Thanks for the link Bailadora. It's a great article and I wish more people would think about how they talk to kids.

 

[Jackotheshadows]

Just 2 cents, as I have a similar problem. I think you have a great head start, and the advice I've seen is great. Just keep in mind, you cannot change her, or make her see what you see and love about her. The self-esteem trap is a deep one, and as the spouse (or SO for that matter) being supportive while she figures things out is the best you can do. More than that, and you run the risk of coming off as insincere, while is a Very Bad Thing.

She may indeed need some professional help dealing with it, as the Mrs. Shadow did. In her case, she had a combination of a medical condition (PCOS) that made it easy to gain, but hard to lose weight, and was raped at knifepoint when she was 14. Needless to say, there isn't much I could do but be supportive. It may not be as complex as that, but professionals can give her the tools to see herself as a lovely whole and healthy person.