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Christmas humor

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

that goes for fairs and amusement parks too. If you don't throw up or at least have a stomach ache when you get home, you didn't have a good time.
 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?


Oh my gosh. I do this. I'm so ashamed. I'll try to abstain so I can pig out at the next affair.


Thanks, jammies. I love your list!
 
Rule # 11 (Learned when I lived in Alaska)

Roast walrus makes a truly horrific Christmas dinner

Rule # 12
There are no recipes for dressings, glazes, or gravies that can alter rule # 11
 
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."


(Hehehehehe:D:devil: )

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

(Bwahahahahhahaha!!!!!:D:nana: )
 
lilredjammies said:
MEMO FROM SANTA:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat".

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words " Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Click to expand...

Love 'em! :D
 
Clearly you've never had my mother's fruitcake. You can always spot those who have; they're eyeing each other up and fingering the sharper bits of flatware throughout the meal, and by the end of the repast are visibly vying for position near the expected location of the dish. They are, however, grateful for those who think no good can come of fruitcake, as they reduce the number of forks jabbing fiercely at the platter the moment it's upon the table. The more fanatically devoted have even been observed to be regulating their intake of the main course dishes in an attempt to preserve more space for fruitcake.

Shanglan
 
BlackShanglan said:
Clearly you've never had my mother's fruitcake. You can always spot those who have; they're eyeing each other up and fingering the sharper bits of flatware throughout the meal, and by the end of the repast are visibly vying for position near the expected location of the dish. They are, however, grateful for those who think no good can come of fruitcake, as they reduce the number of forks jabbing fiercely at the platter the moment it's upon the table. The more fanatically devoted have even been observed to be regulating their intake of the main course dishes in an attempt to preserve more space for fruitcake.

Shanglan
Click to expand...

Oh, your mum uses the same recipe as mine, does she?
 
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will
make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will
be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting
a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't
be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a
little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else
package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed,
though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party.
 
YIKES!
i thought this thread was "Christian Humor"


then i'd have to come in and say...

there were these lions...



(please someone tell me you get it....im a bit fuzzy tonight)
 
vella_ms said:
YIKES!
i thought this thread was "Christian Humor"


then i'd have to come in and say...

there were these lions...



(please someone tell me you get it....im a bit fuzzy tonight)
Click to expand...

Hey! That was really funny Veela I laughed so hard I accidently stuck my straw up my nose and snorted apple juice into it and stuff.

Debbie :heart:
 
Rideme Cowgirl said:
Hey! That was really funny Veela I laughed so hard I accidently stuck my straw up my nose and snorted apple juice into it and stuff.

Debbie :heart:
Click to expand...
ah debbie
if anyone could follow my posts, it would be you... lovable twit. :kiss:
 
vella_ms said:
YIKES!
i thought this thread was "Christian Humor"


then i'd have to come in and say...

there were these lions...



(please someone tell me you get it....im a bit fuzzy tonight)
Click to expand...
These two lions walked into the forum...

You'd think one of them would have seen it!
 
vella_ms said:
ah debbie
if anyone could follow my posts, it would be you... lovable twit. :kiss:
Click to expand...

Thats twat you know rimes with cat and stuff but thats ok I still loves you anyway.

:kiss:

Debbie :heart:
 
Stella_Omega said:
These two lions walked into the forum...

You'd think one of them would have seen it!
Click to expand...
care for a haircut?
i could almost see the EmmCee doing a drum roll.
gablessya for understanding my oddness
:kiss:
 
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