Christmas Cums

[Guest]

Hello All,

I have just posted my first story to Lit. It's called "Christmas Cums." I Would LOVE to hear what everyone thinks of it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=113107

There's the URL. Please let me know what you think.

Thank you.
Doffy

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the story and I thought it was excellent. Very impressive, especially for a first story.

I don't think I'll be giving anything away if I tell that the story involves a girl and her dildo, so the sexual encounters are all solo acts, which gives you a limited erotic potential. But within those limits, I think you did a really fine job.

My only objection is that it could have possibly been a bit juicier. My tastes in porn admittedly run to a lot of high passion--moaning and groaning and writhing around--and I would have liked to see more sensual detail in her masturbations. Her tone could get a little bit onjective and detached, but that seems to be the kind of girl she is, so it wasn't out of place. As I say, it's more a personal preference of mine for more dramatic sex. (But then, how dramatic can you get when you're alone?)

Because of the nature of the story there wasn't much interaction between the narrator and other characters, so we'll have to wait for other stories to see how you as a writer handle that, but for a first time out I think it's a really nice piece of work.

---dr.M.

 

[English Lady]

I echo Dr M's comments..that is an impressive first story.

One negative comment though,I felt the middle was a bit strained. I felt you repeated phrases over and over a bit too much for my liking, I know it was meant to show that it was getting boring and you needed something extra but i think maybe,for me anyway you over emphasised the fact.



thats it though I think .....otherwise it's all in all a great story!

 

[hiddenself]

Congratulations!

That's a great little story. Poignant.

What we have here is allegory. The sex scenes are solo (the heroine and her dildo) but at the same time they involve two characters -- the woman and her Woody (aka, The Present). Sex is not at the center stage though. It is the statement on human nature and human relations that is so beautifully done here. The story has a point and puts it across very effectively.

The pacing is great. But sometimes, you spoil the fun by actually telling too much. For example,

What was inside? I didn’t believe it!

is too melodramatic. Take it out and reverse the order of the next two paragraphs for a better effect.

Same thing with later stuff. The small image on the tip of the dildo (I could just make out the naked woman standing up, dildo in one hand and what looked like a halo floating over her head.) is too much. You are overdoing it.

The narrator's statements about the "human" nature of the dildo are superfluous, off-putting even:

I had actually come to think of it as a living, breathing and thinking person.

I was sure then and I’m more sure now, the vibrating wasn’t an illusion or a delusion. It was and is real. That thing is bewitched.

Just let her tell her story and we will get the point. Don't use cheap tricks, don't have her editorialize.

The end also seems a bit forced for a diary entry (it tells the story of a few months collapsed in a single paragraph). I would probably take out the "Dear Diary" trick and let the heroine simply talk directly to the reader.

Some minor things now.

As you might gather, I’m a strong believer in the spirit of Christmas; I always have been.
This is strange. "Gather" from what? No, I couldn't have guessed from what came before.

I greeted them, wished them all a Merry Christmas and then hunted through the pile of packages looking for mine.
"Pile" of packages for only three people (and one of whom only had just one gift)?

Why would just thinking about the tool suddenly turn me on.
? at the end.

How to get those feelings back when the engravings suddenly occurred to me. It showed a woman with it in her mouth, her cunt and her ass.
What does "it" (in "it showed") refer to? Dildo? But that is nowhere in the previous sentence. Maybe "they" (the engravings showed)?

worked it’s way up
its

it’s been an interesting year for Woody and I.
Shouldn't this be "me"? (We say for "him," not for "he"). This is the object of the sentence. Someone correct me if I am wrong.

And finally, I think this belongs to the SciFi/Fantasy category.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Wait! Was the whole thing supposed to be a diary entry? It was, wasn't it? Oh, I don't like that diary gimmick. I would have just told it as a story. It reads like a story, not like a diary entry.

---dr.M.

 

[English Lady]

Isn't woody and I the proper english? I was taught that you DIDN'T put so and so and Me but that it was so and so and I..now don't ask me why,thats just what my english teacher taught me!*L*

 

[Guest]

First off, thank you all for the critiques of my story. They've been wonderfully helpful.

I have to agree with English lady on the one point, I too, was always taught it was "Woody and I" Instead of "Woody and me." or "Me and Woody." I"m no English teacher, I wasn't even that great of an english student, but I do remember that much.

Hiddenself: I have to agree that the Forth image, of the woman with the halo, IS a little over the top. But IMO, it has to be there. I guess I could just have an image of a woman with a big smile on her face, but it doesn't give the same effect. In order to pass along the message without words, how do you get across that if you do "These Things" you will be happy? A smile? A halo? How? My best idea was for the halo. I wanted the User to understand that doing the other things shown would make her happy. That was why I put the image of the woman with the halo on Woody.

As for "editorializing," I don't know about that. As someone else pointed out, it WAS a diary entry. It was an entry put in MONTHS after the present was recieved. Probably put in only a few days before the second entry where she tell she's going to send Woody to someone else. In a diary, from what I understand, there's a LOT of editorializing. A girl writes down what she thinks and feels.

I won't argue on the category. You may be right. Any other statements on what category it belongs in?

Dr. Mabeuse: My stories don't tend to run to the hardcore. Possibly because I have very limited sexual experience or possibly because I paid very little attention in sex ed. and anatomy. Either way, my sex scenes tend more towards the R than the X. It's just the way I write.

Thank you all for the criticisms. It was MOST educational.

-Jeff

 

[hiddenself]

I have to agree with English lady on the one point, I too, was always taught it was "Woody and I" Instead of "Woody and me." or "Me and Woody." I"m no English teacher, I wasn't even that great of an english student, but I do remember that much.

My point is that the correct syntax is

"Woody and I did this" (i.e., "Woody and I" is the subject of the verb),

but

"She met Woody and me" (i.e., "Woody and me" is the object of the verb).