Childhood Question

[3113]

I'm doing some research for a character study, and I'm hoping to find some helpful insights about, well, connections between childhood and the BDSM lifestyle.

I'm well aware that there are a lot of myths and misinformation (bad, psychological surmises) about the childhood of Doms and Subs, and I promise I'm not going to go there.

Basically, I have just one question: As a Dom or Sub, what do you feel your adult, BDSM lifestyle gives you that was missing (and was desperately desired) from your childhood? OR alternately, as a Dom or Sub what do you feel that you got in your childhood that you wish to have or recapture by way of your adult, BDSM lifestyle? It can be one particular element, or a general aspect, like feeling protected or a sense of control...whatever comes to mind, even if it's something trivial or silly. For example, did you have a chaotic, wild childhood and are glad that your current lifestyle gives you a strong sense of order and discipline?

I hope this question is not too touchy or uncomfortable a subject; I don't want to annoy or offend anyone with it. And I won't be at all surprised if many of you tell me there's no real connection at all between what you had in childhood and what you have now. I'm just hoping for some insights.

My profound thanks in advance for any thoughts or sharing.

 

[EmpressFi]

I dont think anything was missing or my being a submissive is me trying to recapture anything. Perhaps if I called Master, "Daddy", one could say I'm trying to recapture the father who died when I was 12. (not saying that that's what Daddy/lg relationships are about... just what people could say of my life). But I dont call him daddy, I dont think of him as fatherly.

I had a difficult, but fairly reserved childhood. I just think being a submissive is who I am, like preferring the color blue or liking pepsi instead of coke, having brown eyes...

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont really see my BDSM tendencies as resulting from or becuase of my childhood. hell, im only turning 20 next month and ive had BDSM tendencies for over a decade (yeah, i started young). sorry i couldnt help, but ill keep an eye on this thread and if i see a way i can contribute more ill pop in.

 

[feigninnocence]

To an extent, I turn to BDSM to fill a void from my childhood, most definitely.

To quote an email I'd written to a very good friend last month:

My dad and I, to this day, have a good relationship - growing up I saw him every other weekend, and I knew he loved me. I still know it. But although the words were there, the actions never were. I truly do not believe that he was meant to be a father to a child. He was impatient, careless, inconsiderate with me. Never once in my life have I felt cared for or protected by him - the way I think a father should make his daughter feel. There is definitely a void there. Growing up, and even now, if I went over to a friend's house and saw how positive of a relationship she had with her father, I would think to myself, You have no idea how lucky you are. I would give anything to have that.

So, I was never cared for, protected, or disciplined by a man in my early years. Did that create a void in my present life? Certainly. One of the reasons I find myself so inherently drawn to BDSM is because I want a man to both care for and chastize me, as my father never had.

However, I am not into incest roleplay, or even calling a man "Daddy" (most of the time), and I have no desire to have a man pretend to be my father.

But to answer your question, not having a strong father figure while growing up most definitely left me desiring a man who could provide me with stability and discipline . . . Add my very active imagination and a streak of creativity to the mix and you have a woman with a healthy interest in BDSM.

 

[BiBunny]

Nothing in my childhood triggered anything about my kinks. Had I been reared in a totally different environment, I'd still be the same pervert I am today. I believe with all my heart that I was truly born this way. I've got lots of reasons for believing that, but I'm too lazy right now to list them. When you believe you were born this way, you don't analyze it too much (because who can change his/her genetic wiring?). I also think this is why I've never really struggled with this part of me. I am who the Good Lord made me, and that's that.

 

[Incompleteidea]

Affection, attention, appreciation- not only did I not get it from my father I didn’t get it from men in general. I was a late bloomer. So now… I search for it.

For a long time I wanted to say my sub side had nothing to do with my childhood. But when I’m honest with myself I know it had everything to do with it. For a while I was ashamed of letting my past have so much control over who I am today. Now I realize accepting and loving that part of myself only makes me a stronger person.


Ps. the term Daddy for my lover is the biggest turn off i have.

 

[graceanne]

I want NOTHING from my childhood in my life. If I had to be a child again, I'd kill myself. That said, K is very emotionally there for me, which is something I need. I don't know if that bdsm or not, but that's what I get from my relationship with him that I didn't have as a child.

 

[nh23]

I tore my life apart when I first faced my submissive desires to see what made me the way I am. Not because I was ashamed, or felt guilty. Just because that's how I am. I like to know the reasons behind why people are the way they are. I honestly don't know. I think it has a lot to do with the way I'm wired. That we are born this way. On the other hand I can look at events in my childhood that I think may have triggered it. So I'm not sure. Maybe for me it's the way I was born and it may have lain dormant if the events in my life wouldn't have triggered it. Or maybe that's just my way of turning horrific events into my childhood into something positive. If I can say it helped trigger my kinks then I can see what happened in a sort of positive light. Because I love the person I've become. I love my kinks, I wouldn't want to be any other way. I really just don't know, I'm just happy I ended up the way I am..

 

[madetotakeit]

Hmmm...Deep thoughts for early in the morning.

I grew up in an ultra-traditional background. Father worked, mother stayed home, older sister to torment and be tormented by. We lived in a small town with the security of knowing everyone. It was a solid foundation. My parents had their few ups and downs, but I saw that as a result of two people who felt passionately about each other. I also learned from that any problems can be worked out when there is love and dedication. They have been married for 45 years and I can still see the high school sweethearts when they look at each other.

However, on the flip side my Mother learned from her family that appearances are of utmost importance. She took the same approach when instilling values in her children. I learned to hide when I was upset, hurting, or weak. Essentially cutting myself off from truly feeling a lot of things. While I have used this to my advantage in my professional life ( I have always been commended for keeping my cool, calm demeanor.) it has stifled me in my personal life.

I developed early and looked older than my age. As a result I received quite a bit of attention. My Mother being protective explained this was the wrong kind of attention. The problem is I never really learned what the good kind of attention was and learned to doubt all attention. I still assume that a man has no interest in me unless it is stated outright or pointed out to me. I have lost the ability to read the less than obvious signals. Even though I consider myself to be a sensual creature (and once in a relationship I revel in personifying that,) I feel that is not how a man sees me.

In embracing the submissive side of myself, I allow those self-imposed restrictions to be dropped. Outward appearance means nothing. I can expose that I have moments of weakness. I don't feel the need to put on an act. I can accept that I am a sexual being without worrying about the image of the "good girl" I was brought up to be. I can stop hiding from myself and as a result from those around me. The more I learn, the more I will be able to access that part of me as well as all of the others.

 

[Homburg]

Can't really say that there is anything from my childhood that has any relation to BDSM expression now. I never liked the lack of control of my own circumstances, but I think that informs my BDSM practices less than it informs the rest of my life. In short, I like control, but BDSM is less about control than it about other things.

If anything, I'd guess and say free expression of sexuality in general. Sex was pretty definitely bad. No sex before marriage, no porn, etc. I won't say that my mother was repressive of it, she certainly did not rant and rave about the evils of sex, but it was clear that it was not considered acceptable in general.

The only problem I have is that this free expression is not inherent to BDSM. Been involved in BDSM for a while now, but being open about it is recent. So I can't really say that I have anything in my BDSM expression and practice that is compensating for my childhood. Sorry.

 

[snowy ciara]

Hi 3113!

I was wandering through the dark and dusty history looking for something else, and I found this thread: Parental Influence on BDSM Development which may help in your research.

For those of us who may not be comfortable sharing in public are you open to receiving PMs?

For myself, I had a pretty happy, more or less healthy and normal childhood. (HUSH Graceanne!) I don't feel that I'm trying to recapture anything, or trying to find something I never had. My parents love me, are still together and kinked as all get out. I didn't know that my parents have happily Ds-ing along since before I was born until a few years ago when I came out to my parents. I can say this though; sex was never vilified, or considered sinful and evil and bad by my parents. The atmosphere in my home was not overly sexual; sex was kept behind my parent's bedroom door, but it was a positive sexual atmosphere. I don't think that my submissive nature is anything that results from my childhood, but my comfort level with myself and my kink is a result of that.

Looking at my masochism, now that was influenced by my hyperactivity, but I would have been hyperactive in a bad home environment too. So while my masochism IS linked to some issues that have been with me all my life, again, it's not from having a bad home life.

Hope that made sense for you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Can definately say my childhood did not result in my BDSM tendencies as they were well and truly flourishing on their own from a very, very early age. What I can say this relationship I sought has brought me is unconditional acceptance which I did not feel as a child, and still have difficulty finding in my family though they would protest otherwise I'm sure. I did not seek such a relationship with that thought in mind, but time has shown me that is one of its greatest gifts. It still could be perfected, but perfection is just an illusion and on some days would be less than perfect, but overall I have found a place where I do not have to fear what tomorrow might bring in terms of solidity, security and not being punished for being me. Not easy to explain in simple language, but that sort of sums it up for me...sort of an unexpected layer to what I thought I needed.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

My childhood has had an impact on why I find BDSM so necessary in my life.

It is not the daddy thing (which I don't do), or the pain thing, but the sense of belonging that it gives me.

I did not feel I belonged to my own life when I was a child and a D/s relationship, when it works on a mental level, gives me that sense of belonging.

Once in that mind frame I can take more, and give more, because I am in the right place in my mind.

I have never found the level of intensity of 'belonging' other than within a D/s relationship.

I realise I need to be owned, one off play and dating does not take the edge of the emotional craving to be with someone who knows me at every level and likes me anyway.

 

[3113]

I believe with all my heart that I was truly born this way.

For all those who said something like this, I very much agree. As I said, I'm not going to delve into what I consider are myths or psychological assumptions. It used to be that shrinks explained gay men as having domineering moms, and this was a crock. I don't for a moment think that you are submissive or dominant because of how you were raised or some childhood incident. I believe that D/s tendencies are likely, and to varying degrees, innate and inborn.

What I *do* think however is that how you sate those tendencies may be connected to your childhood. Taking Feigninnocence's very astute insight into her childhood (thank you! f.i.!): dad didn't sate those sub tendencies. If he had been protective and a disciplinarian, she might have gotten together with someone more like him, maybe she'd even have called him "daddy"? As it was, she had to find someone completely different from Dad.

So, I don't for a moment think that childhood creates D/s tendencies, just, in some cases, how they might manifest.

Ps. the term Daddy for my lover is the biggest turn off i have.

This is an interesting aspect and, I suppose, a thread all on its own. I, myself, couldn't imagine calling any lover "daddy" even if my tendencies went that way. This may be a bit off topic, but did you happen to watch the 'I Love New York 2" reality show? The reason I ask is because this woman is a walking psychology text

She has a domineering mom--to the extreme--and wants to be like her. Her father, what we've seen of him, is totally passive. Yet it's clear that N.Y. is attract to guys who are the opposite of her dad. Very Dom. When she finally meets a guy who is in total command, not backing down from her, what does she call him? "Daddy."

In embracing the submissive side of myself, I allow those self-imposed restrictions to be dropped. Outward appearance means nothing. I can expose that I have moments of weakness. I don't feel the need to put on an act. I can accept that I am a sexual being without worrying about the image of the "good girl" I was brought up to be. I can stop hiding from myself and as a result from those around me. The more I learn, the more I will be able to access that part of me as well as all of the others.

Wow. That is a very telling insight. Thank you so much for that in depth analysis!

If anything, I'd guess and say free expression of sexuality in general. Sex was pretty definitely bad. No sex before marriage, no porn, etc. I won't say that my mother was repressive of it, she certainly did not rant and rave about the evils of sex, but it was clear that it was not considered acceptable in general.

This is very close to what madetotakeit said. It makes a lot of sense, thank you.

And thanks again to all of you for sharing. The answers, so far, have been amazing.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I can't say that there is any real connection for me beyond the fact that my parents never hid sexuality or freedom of exploring sexuality from us kids.

My parents used to share what went on at parties they went to or movies they went to see (any old schoolers from DC should remember the Casino Royale movie theatre on 14 st...my parents frequented that).

They were open about methods and ideas and fantasies and were big on exploring, which is probably why I am so open to the idea and practice and work to have it in my life. If it weren't for my husband, I would have gotten into it a lot earlier in life but his family was not as open so he is a bit more repressed (ok...a lot more repressed) than most folks I have in my life.

I got lucky. I had parents who inspired and pushed the idea of expressing yourself sexually and not limiting yourself on your explorations...I even found out that my dad is a Dom...

 

[Xantu]

For me its about trust

I came from a perfect family. I am an incest victim.

After much therapy and some wonderful people who love me in my life I can look back and understand how this has made me the person I am. And I like who I am.

The biggest impact for me is my difficulty in trusting. Truly letting my defenses down and letting myself be vulnerable is a challenge. The role of submissive takes that option away from me. I have to let myself make that totally intellectual decision to allow my emotional guards down.

What follows is a shameless self advertisement; look away if you are offended.

I have recently started submitting a novella about the issue of childhood abuse and how it impacts the mental health of a submissive. It is about how the life her master dictated to her was too close to her suppressed memories and how their relationship had to evolve in order for her to survive. It is called Finding Home.

Oh man now I feel like such a slut.

Thanks
Xantu

 

[alexanna]

I definitely have Daddy issues but now watching my daughter grow up I am coming to the conclusion that we may just be wired this way. I am not comfortable discussing some of my observations on this board but I would be happy to discuss them with you privately.

I am also finding the "total acceptance" concept mentioned by Catalina another compelling motivation for my interest. It is something I never felt growing up though in my case I'm not sure that feeling was ever based that much in reality. I seem to have an insatiable drive to test people in a "see what I did now, do you still love me" sort of way although it is very controlled as I am also quite fearful of losing the love I managed to gain.

And on top of that I have the old "make me do what I want so I don't have to feel guilty about it" thing going. I was raised by a mother who felt guilty for her own sexual desires and in a religion where masturbation and sexual adventurousness are frowned apon.

 

[Homburg]

And on top of that I have the old "make me do what I want so I don't have to feel guilty about it" thing going. .

I've seen that a lot. Not sure how it works for me, but I never seem to feel guilty for making her do nasty things. I've felt guilty about certain I've done, but never about something I made her do.

 

[FurryFury]

Nothing in my childhood triggered anything about my kinks. Had I been reared in a totally different environment, I'd still be the same pervert I am today. I believe with all my heart that I was truly born this way. I've got lots of reasons for believing that, but I'm too lazy right now to list them. When you believe you were born this way, you don't analyze it too much (because who can change his/her genetic wiring?). I also think this is why I've never really struggled with this part of me. I am who the Good Lord made me, and that's that.

I agree with you. I feel the same way.



Except I'm not sure the Good Lord made me. I might be the result of a Big Bang and evolution or something else. Who knows? Who cares?

 

[BiBunny]

I agree with you. I feel the same way.



Except I'm not sure the Good Lord made me. I might be the result of a Big Band and evolution or something else. Who knows? Who cares?

*Giggles at Fury* I don't know who made me, either, but I rather liked the way the expression sounded at the end of the paragraph.

 

[Homburg]

I agree with you. I feel the same way.



Except I'm not sure the Good Lord made me. I might be the result of a Big Band and evolution or something else. Who knows? Who cares?

I would love to have been the result of a Big Band. Then I could describe myself as "jazzy". I'm more Glenn Miller than Duke Ellington, though some days I just feel like Lawrence Welk...

 

[FurryFury]

I would love to have been the result of a Big Band. Then I could describe myself as "jazzy". I'm more Glenn Miller than Duke Ellington, though some days I just feel like Lawrence Welk...

Fuck those damned typos!



I do lurve jazz though.

 

[FurryFury]

*Giggles at Fury* I don't know who made me, either, but I rather liked the way the expression sounded at the end of the paragraph.

I don't know who made me but I know who made it do it.

 

[Homburg]

Fuck those damned typos!



I do lurve jazz though.

I wouldn't have pointed it out if it hadn't strike me, a jazz fan, as funny.

And if I wanted to be picky, I'd say I was more Fletcher Henderson than anything else

 

[FurryFury]

I wouldn't have pointed it out if it hadn't strike me, a jazz fan, as funny.

And if I wanted to be picky, I'd say I was more Fletcher Henderson than anything else

Oh I knew you weren't needling me.

*hmm needles*

Um, where were we? Anyway, thanks for pointing it out. That gave me a chance to fix my little typo. I shouldn't post when I'm sick and all that.