Chicken Chernobyl

[DannyBoyUK]

This genuine grade-A Frankenfowl was created by the genius agriculture researchers at Hebrew University in Israel, where chickens dying of heat stroke is apparently a really big problem. It's an ugly fucker, as you can see, it'll make good eating. And so, in the interest of advancing the grinding gears of science, a recipe specifically geared towards the new Chyckin brand artificial chicken (patent pending)! The dish is Chyckin Chernobyl, a recipe which combines old world traditionalism with angst-ridden Postmodern apocalypticism. Bon apetit!

 

[DannyBoyUK]

INGREDIENTS:

4 cooked, boneless Chyckin brand artificial chicken (patent pending) breast halves
1 green Nerf football, chopped
½ cup Monsanto brand mutant wheat flour
½ cup Olestra brand fake fat
1 teaspoon roadsalt
¼ teaspoon ground Cipro
3 iodine tablets
1½ cups of udder pus from a radioactive Ukrainian cow
1¼ cups heavy water
4 oz pineal gland, chopped and drained
1½ teaspoons concentrated "real chicken" flavor powder

 

[DannyBoyUK]

*** COOKING DIRECTIONS ***


1. Sign the waiver. Clear the room. Extinguish all open flames. Make sure the kids are out of the house. Open all windows for maximum circulation.

2. Take the iodine tablets to protect against chemical burns and radiation poisoning. Put on your HazMat suit and make sure the valve seals are all vacuum tight. Set, check, and double-check pressure settings and oxy-nitro mix levels. Enter kitchen.

3. Prepare ingredients, keeping them well separated to start. Remove all warts, growths and/or nipples from Chyckin brand artificial chicken breasts (patent pending) before cubing. Wash chyckin under high-pressure decontamination hose for no less than a quarter of an hour.

4. Cook and stir drained pineal gland and green Nerf football in Olestra over medium heat for 5 minutes. Remove from heat.

5. Sheild eyes. Blend in mutant flour, roadsalt, and Cipro. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture is bubbly. Remove from heat.

6. Stir in Ukrainian udder pus and heavy water. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir for 1 minute. Stir in concentrated "real chicken" flavor poweder. Otherwise, the whole mess will taste like Styrofoam and spiderwebs.

7. Pour Chyckin Chernobyl over fiber optic vermicelli or shoelaces. Put on a smile and serve this wonderful new dish - truly a miracle of modern science - to your happy, hungry family.

8. Dial 911.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

*** WARNING! ACHTUNG! ATTENTION! ***

Chyckin brand artificial chicken (patent pending) is not for everyone, and has been known to cause side-effects. The most common side effects experienced by people eating Chycken brand artificial chicken (patent pending) are intense nausea, splitting headaches, bright red welts on the face, cheeks and neck, vertigo, uncontrollable rectal bleeding, long-term memory loss, and a substantial drop in IQ.

Less common Chycken brand artificial chicken (patent pending) side effects include a severe generalized reaction that may include shortness of breath, wheezing, digestive symptoms, low blood pressure and even shock. An allergic reaction with swelling of the face, lips, tongue and/or throat with difficulty swallowing or breathing; abnormal hair growth and/or hair loss; severe muscle and blood vessel inflammation; mysterious bruises; various blood cell disorders (that could result in anemia, infection, or blood clotting problems) or abnormal blood tests; inflamed or painful joints; hives; fatig ue and weakness; sensitivity to sunlight; fever, chills; flushing; difficulty breathing; and severe skin disorders that vary from rash to a serious burn-like shedding of skin all over the body, including mucous membranes such as the lining of the mouth.

Fewer than one in five people who eat Chyckin brand artificial chicken (patent pending) will develop rabies over the course of their treatment, and fewer than one in twenty will develop toxic shock.

There is a very slight chance that obese Chyckin brand artificial chicken (patent pending) might spontaneously drop dead for no apparent reason.

Happy eating, dead man!