Cheer up ...

BlackShanglan

Silver-Tongued Papist
Joined
Jul 7, 2004
Posts
16,888
You could be writing some of these examples:

Tom Wolfe wins bad sex award
Passage in 'Charlotte Simmons' called 'ghastly'
Monday, December 13, 2004 Posted: 4:06 PM EST (2106 GMT)


LONDON, England (Reuters) -- American author and journalist Tom Wolfe won one of the world's most dreaded literary accolades on Monday -- the British prize for bad sex in fiction.

The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel."

Wolfe won it for a couple of purple passages from his latest novel "I am Charlotte Simmons," a tale of campus life at an exclusive U.S. university.

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins.

"But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring." Wolfe has said in interviews he intended the book's sexual descriptions to be dry and clinical.

The former newspaper correspondent, whose debut novel "Bonfire of the Vanities" was a defining text of the 1980s, fought off stiff competition from 10 other authors, including South African Andre Brink, whose novel "Before I Forget" contains the following description of a woman's vulva:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Another writer who only narrowly escaped the prize was Britain's Nadeem Aslam for his novel "Maps for Lost Lovers," a tale of life in a Muslim community in an English town.

"His mouth looked for the oiled berry," one of his raunchiest passages starts.

"The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders -- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead," another reads.

The winner of the award, organized by the London-based Literary Review, is given an Oscar-style statuette and a bottle of champagne -- but only if he or she comes to the awards ceremony in person.

Organizers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.
 
The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders

WTF????

That is just.... disgusting!

Organizers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.

If I were him I'd change my name and move to another town to make a fresh start...

*shudder!*
 
Wow. Thanks for posting that, Shan.

I want to win some kind of literary award, too....but not that damn bad. I feel all kinds of good about my stuff now.

Click on the link in the sig and find out why.

Good God. I'd say he sucks, but that's even too much. Makes erotica sound like an episode of The Crock Hunter. Go back and read those in an overblown Aussie accent and laugh, laugh laugh.
 
I'll have to get the books on this list.

Then when I'm feeling like my stuff bites, I can read one of these and know that I'm doing OK.
 
Not only hot, but like the most erotic thing every written....women should melt and men should spring into action at the very mentioning of the phrase.


Hell, this stuff makes "Hey baby, let's do the dishes" sound erotic as all hell....
 
Nothing like long, incomprehensible terms to really get you hot!

Hell yeah!

"Her antidisestablishmentaranismly methods edjudicated emotional upwellings from within."

Goddamn, even that's better than what Wolfe wrote.

I can't fuck something up that bad. I can't. My brain won't let me.
 
...this is what happens when you get too many accolades heaped on you for too long a time. you start to think that any mindless drivel you shovel out is going to be hailed...

well, guess what, Tom???

now you suck even more than the rest of us!
 
I think all the winners should get a link to the AH and the Story Discussion Circle, eh?
 
BlackShanglan, you jerk...

... I had just read this and was going to post it. If I hadn't been making dinner, I would beat ya!
Oh well...

My comment was,
Maybe Mr. Wolfie should come over here to Literotica and find out from us mere amatuers how it's suppposed to be done!
 
Re: BlackShanglan, you jerk...

JRaven said:
... I had just read this and was going to post it. If I hadn't been making dinner, I would beat ya!
Oh well...

Ah dear. Bad horse.

There's only one solution for a bad horse, you know ;)

Shanglan
 
I like where it says:
Wolfe has said in interviews he intended the book's sexual descriptions to be dry and clinical.

Oooh! I get it! He was doing it on purpose!

To make a really writerly point.

Yeah, I understand! *nods knowingly*

Well, great job then Tom!
 
Well, to be fair, he can be incredibly funny when he does that. I always love the part in "Bonfire of the Vanities" where the DA keeps obsessing about his "sternocloidalmsacular" or something muscles ... basically, he's a running-to-fat guy and his one bulky part of his body is his neck muscles, which he keeps flexing and "showing off" at odd moments, voiced through him so that it sounds manly and cool (and yet amusing as we recognize his vanity). Eventually, near the end of the book, he's in a room with a number of other people listening to a recorded conversation. The person speaking refers to him and talks about how he "keeps doing that weird thing with his neck." Fabulous ;)

Shanglan
 
Re: Re: BlackShanglan, you jerk...

BlackShanglan said:
Ah dear. Bad horse.

There's only one solution for a bad horse, you know ;)

Shanglan

um... not the knackers yard?
 
Sorry about that Glue Factory thing....it was just so damn funny and it just flew out onto my fingers.

Sorry about that Shan.....that wasn't quite kosher, even for me.

...God, I'm not the only one laughing, am I? I'm a bastard.
 
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