Cheating

[bisexplicit]

For those of you who are bisexual and involved in a commited relationship, do you consider it cheating to have a same-sex affair outside of your relationship?

Would your answer change if the person whom you had the affair with was of the opposite sex?

 

[Matthew Craig]

I'd consider it cheating if my girl had lesbian sex. But wouldn't care. If it was another guy though,.. I'd be pissed.

 

[silverwhisper]

no and yes.

 

[sxxyblueyes]

No I wouldnt consider it cheating if it was the same sex.. Yes if was the opposite. Don't know what the difference is.. but somehow it's different to me??

 

[silverwhisper]

for me the difference would be that it's getting something that one or the other of us can't offer. is that it for you, too?

ed

 

[sxxyblueyes]

for me the difference would be that it's getting something that one or the other of us can't offer. is that it for you, too?

ed

I guess that would be part of it

 

[morewickedfun]

For those of you who are bisexual and involved in a commited relationship, do you consider it cheating to have a same-sex affair outside of your relationship?

Would your answer change if the person whom you had the affair with was of the opposite sex?

cheating is cheating. sex of the person makes no difference.
if you don't know about it, it's cheating.
to say any different would be sexist.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

You're slightly biased Honey...

No I wouldnt consider it cheating if it was the same sex.. Yes if was the opposite. Don't know what the difference is.. but somehow it's different to me??

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Thanks for a great question... I'll reply later - it's a complex subject.

For now though, let's consider the definition of "affair"/ relationship. Are we only refering to sex? So if i'm married and have sex with another woman... Or are we also refering to emotional and intellectual and spiritual components? Some affairs/ relationships have all of these components, while some have certain combinations and with different degress of intensity.

And are we realistic if we expect one person - regardless of their gender/ our gender to be able to effectively satisfy all of those components all of the time?

For those of you who are bisexual and involved in a commited relationship, do you consider it cheating to have a same-sex affair outside of your relationship?

Would your answer change if the person whom you had the affair with was of the opposite sex?

 

[sxxyblueyes]

You're slightly biased Honey...

I suppose you might be right

 

[bisexplicit]

cheating is cheating. sex of the person makes no difference.
if you don't know about it, it's cheating.
to say any different would be sexist.

I agree.

I posed the question because I've found that in the GLBT forum, no one seems to be bothered by married men or women looking for affairs of the same gender.

 

[sxxyblueyes]

I agree.

I posed the question because I've found that in the GLBT forum, no one seems to be bothered by married men or women looking for affairs of the same gender.

Sorry.. I know this is off topic.. but I have to say that I LOL'd at your profile statement. The one about your "cyber panties" Too funny LoL

 

[bisexplicit]

Sorry.. I know this is off topic.. but I have to say that I LOL'd at your profile statement. The one about your "cyber panties" Too funny LoL

Just because you told me that you laughed at my profile, doesn't mean you have an automatic in to my cyber panties.

I'm on to your wiley ways.

 

[sxxyblueyes]

Just because you told me that you laughed at my profile, doesn't mean you have an automatic in to my cyber panties.

I'm on to your wiley ways.

LoL - dammit.. I was hoping you wouldn't catch on to me!

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Why do you say that?

I agree.

I posed the question because I've found that in the GLBT forum, no one seems to be bothered by married men or women looking for affairs of the same gender.

 

[bisexplicit]

Why do you say that?

Umm, because theres lots of posts here where people are looking for extramarrital relations and everyone just says "go for it!"

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Ok, i kinda ignore those - i read over them. perhaps that's why i don't "see" it.

I think the dynamics of any relationship is a very subjective experience. Personally, if i see words such as "cheating" and "affair" etc i see red lights. Yes it's wrong as it has the word dishonesty written all over it. Trust and honesty is the foundation of any relationship, and if that is not stable then how can anything else be?

Being bisexual, we have complex needs. I have never met an uncomplicated bissexual! On the other hand, when someone chooses to enter a commited relationship, then they have to live with the choices they've made.

I brought up my previous question, as for me, having a connection with another person on an intimate level is so much more than sex. I have emotional/ spritual/ intellectual relationships with women - i cannot live without it. And my husband understands it, respects it and welcomes the fact that i need more than one person in my life to keep me content. Naturally physical intimacy might be part of my relationship, but it is NOT purely sex that i am after.

If you put into perspective that one can be honest and open and trust ones life-partner, and still have connections with others, then why not? It's an arangement in essence. Some might label is an "open-relationship" My marriage is everything but open. I am very selective about who i allow into my life at any time.

Umm, because theres lots of posts here where people are looking for extramarrital relations and everyone just says "go for it!"

 

[bisexplicit]

Being bisexual, we have complex needs. I have never met an uncomplicated bissexual!

I don't see my needs as being any more or less complicated than a heterosexual or a homosexual.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Even though technically I was broken up with my ex-girl friend, we had started dating again...... I had some same sex experiences. I felt a lot of guilt. Now I would not sleep around, I do not like feeling that way.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Pleased to meet you then, uncomplicated lady!

I don't see my needs as being any more or less complicated than a heterosexual or a homosexual.

 

[bisexplicit]

Pleased to meet you then, uncomplicated lady!

I didn't say that my needs were uncomplicated.

I just think that bisexuals needs aren't more complicated then heterosexuals.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Forgive me for mis-reading. It's late. 10.44pm to be exact and i havn't slept well for a few nights. So i plead exhaustion.

I didn't say that my needs were uncomplicated.

I just think that bisexuals needs aren't more complicated then heterosexuals.

 

[CorsetLvr]

I didn't say that my needs were uncomplicated.

I just think that bisexuals needs aren't more complicated then heterosexuals.

I think that what is complicated is that we sometimes have to juggle more than one significant other in our lives in order to meet our own needs. I have been on both sides of this situation. In the past I have had to sneak around behind a BF's back in order to fulfill my needs that are only met by another woman. I was very angry about it. I was angry at myself because I wasn't meeting the social requirements to "be faithful" to a partner and at the same time I was angry because he could not accept my sexuality and I was forced to "cheat". I was often in relationships with men that were either threatened by my sexuality or only wanted to use it as a tool for their own sexual satisfaction, regardless of my own needs. So, I was in a situation where if was a honest with my partner I was either a pervert or a sex toy, or I could keep my sexuality a secret. I usually chose the later.

For a long time I bounced back and forth between relationships with men and women, trying to find some happy medium. I never did. Finally I went through a stage of a couple of years where I was living for the most part as a lesbian. I did have an occasional fling with a man, but these were just "fuck buddies" and not someone I saw myself having a long term relationship with. In other words they were safe. That is, safe from a lot of emotional entanglements. It was an easy way out but not the most courageous. I had just come to the point where I didn't think there was a "Mr or Ms Right" out there that could accept my sexuality. Lesbians can be just as bad. I can't blame them for having a hard time accepting bisexual women. They live in fear that the person they have so much emotionally invested in is going to run off with the next dick that walks by.

A lot of this goes back to Kinsey's sexual continuum. He said that there exists a continuum of sexuality with strictly homosexual on one end and strictly heterosexual on the other. Most of us exist somewhere in the middle. Whether we are capable of excepting that is another issue altogether. Acceptance has a lot to do with social pressures and self image. Personally, I see myself as being smack dab in the middle, with a need and desire for both male and female relationships. In some ways this is harder than someone that sees themself as primarily straight or primarily gay/les.

On top of this is the fact that Homo sapiens is basically not a monogamous critter. We never have been and never will be. Social and religuous pressure have tried to force us to think that we should remain "faithful" or celibate. At the same time there is that part of our brain that keeps telling us to go fuck our brains out with whoever we are attracted to. There in lies the conflict. Social pressure vs. biology.

OK, I'm not holding myself up as some shining light on the path to true understanding and happiness but I have found out what has worked for me. It took about 25 years to get there. I am currently married to a wonderful guy. He was the "Mr. Right" that stumbled into my life after I had given up looking for him. He accepts my bisexuality and is supportive and understanding of it. Admittedly this is not a trait that is common in carriers of the Y chromosome. We have found a compromise that works for us. We are swingers and this lifestyle has worked out well for us. It not only satisfies some of my bisexual urges (a majority of female swinger are bi) but it also helps out with the needs of that animal side of the human brain I mentioned earlier. Swinging is based on the premise that sex and love are not necessarily intermingled. That sex, for sex's sake, can just be about having fun. A couple can share other lovers without jeopardizing their primary relationship together. As a matter of fact we feel that our's is even stronger. Jealousy is not about how much you love someone, but rather about your own feelings of inadequacy. I love my swinging friends, but I am "in love" with my hubby. No matter how many lovers I have nothing will ever change that. It's funny, but divorce is fairly rare among swingers. You don't see them sneaking around behind their partner's backs. Can you say that about some of your other friends or even yourself? What would be the point? There is definitely a certain honesty about our lifestyle. Part of that honesty is based on the fact that we accept that we can desire other people besides out partner and everyone can accept that.

My hubby and I have some ground rules that we have come to agree on. We only play together with members of the opposite sex. BTW, he is straight so this mainly applies to me. By play together I mean under the same roof. We may play seperately at a party or play in seperate rooms depending on the people we are with. I do occasionally play with women when I am not with him. He is cool with this as long as he knows about it. I have no reason to hide anything. As a matter of fact he usually wants to know all the nitty gritty details afterwards and this usually leads to some awesome sex between the two of us.

OK, like I said, I am not holding myself up as any sort of example. I just thought I had some things to add to this discussion based on my own life experiences. I hope some of you have found it in the trials and tribulations I have gone through in my life.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

There is nothing more valuable than real-life experience. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life with us. I think it's great that you have found a life that works for you, and satisfies you in so many ways. Wish we were all courages and strong enough to take that step.

I have been on both sides of this situation.

 

[neonflux]

Cheating and affectional vs. sexual orientation

No I wouldnt consider it cheating if it was the same sex.. Yes if was the opposite. Don't know what the difference is.. but somehow it's different to me??

For some reason, I've been thinking about this thread all morning. On the one hand, I agree with some of the others who've said that whenever an extra-relational experience involves duplicity it is cheating. Despite an almost absolute absense of sex during the last 6 years of my last 14-yr. relationship with another woman, that's why I stayed monogamous.

That said, I am far more likely to fall in love with another woman than a man. Don't get me wrong, I like the opposite gender (men) a lot and greatly enjoy having sex with men, but I'm much less likely to fall in love with a man - my heart just doesn't seem to want to fall in line with the tug of my genitals. Therefore, had I elected to have extra-curricular sex on the sly while still partnered, I suspect that I would have chosen a man. This would have been less threatening to my relationship emotionally and so would have seemed a little less like cheating.

This ever-demanding-rigid-definitional-boxes of a world requires that most of us live our lives within either hetero or homo-spheres (where are the Romans when you need them?). For those who are more het-affectional-identified, I can understand how the opposite might be the case - e.g.., being with someone of the same gender seems a little less like cheating than being with someone of the opposite gender.