Charged First Paragraphs - Last Set!

[Tatewaki]

Here is the last set of paragraphs I've been working on tonight. The question is, do they adequately introduce a story and give the reader enough necessary information, or are they too vague? They should instantly tell the reader who the story is about and what its about. It should also feature a strong hook.

As openings go on a scale of 1 to 10 how does it rate? Why?

-T

My hands are tied over my head with my wrists bound tightly. My panties are yanked down and used to tie my ankles together. He pulls me down until my knees slam against the floorboards. I'm now bent over the side of the bed with my ass jutting outwards toward him. Utterly defenceless. I feel his hands tease my asscheeks apart, his fingertips nuzzling against my always-greased asshole like a sniffing mongrel. Something slips into me. Not the cock I'd expected, but a slim anal plug. That surprises me. The next surprise comes when I feel his thick meat stretch my pussy walls apart. He can't do this today! I'm off of the pill for a few weeks! I fight him, flailing about. I do what I can to pull off of him, but of couse I cannot. Just as he planned.

"Don't fight me, Barbara Ann. I'm going to use your pussy. I know you don't have protection. That's okay with me. Whatever happens, happens. If you truly don't want this just say so." He pulls his cock out of me, only leaving the very tip of it to graze against my sticky pussy lips. The head of his penis swells and shrinks in time to his heartbeat. My traitorous quim tries to suck him back in, regardless of my true feelings.

No, I'm the liar, not my ravenous pussy. My body simply reacts more honestly than I do. It knows that I want him even though my brain denies it. I feel my ass back up upon him, forcing my pussy to swallow his cock right to the root. My ass cheeks press tightly against his groin.

"Just as I hoped," he whispers, snuggling against my back. "Get ready for the fuck of your life." For the next three hours he fulfilled his own prophesy by filling me, over and over again.

 

[Impetus]

Hook, not bad. Not great, but not bad. It definitely has 'immediately hot' going for it. There is definitely an indication of what is going on, but not in such a way that it makes me want to know *more* about what is going on. I give it a 7.

 

[Tatewaki]

There is definitely an indication of what is going on, but not in such a way that it makes me want to know *more* about what is going on. I give it a 7.

How would you improve upon it? What is it that it lacks?

-T

 

[Impetus]

I guess what I didn't like was that the only thing 'unique' about the setup was that they were going condom-less this time. From there, the only story I could see would be either tension as to whether or not the girl is pregnant, which could be done well but isn't particularly intriguing to me, or some sort of a wierd abortion tale, wich I do *not* want to read. The fact that you jump right into the sex is definitely one way to draw the reader in, but this particular take on the story doesn't feature any particular elements of story or characterization that draw me in.

-I

 

[Tatewaki]

The question I wanted the reader to have was "Why is she off of the pill, and why doesn't he care if she gets knocked up or not?" I guess I failed to interest the reader in this.

Ah, well. Nice to be reminded that sex isn't the be-all and end-all.

Regards,

-T