Changing Traditions

[Guest]

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[rgraham666]

You kids will have different memories than you had, beautiful.

But they will still be happy ones.

That's all that matters.

Merry Christmas.

 

[Guest]

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[3113]

We very much censor our memories. If I really wish to, I can remember my mother's "A-Type" personality which had her screaming and panicking every time she put on a party or even just a family gathering. She prepared ahead and got things done with a fair amount of precision and speed, but if there was the slightest hiccup, she went nuts. She faced lines and crowds with ill grace, always tense and on a short fuse. Going shopping with her was not a relaxing or happy ordeal.

I can recall all this if I want, but when I'm asked about holiday dinners and parties and such, I usually only remember the outcome: the crystal on the table, the traditional foods, the lively conversation about the table...all that good stuff.

I made Xmas eve dinner last night as planned, and unlike my mother, I'm always prepared for the crowds and I never let them bother me. In fact, I consider them part of the holiday tradition I got all I needed, no worries. When I glanced at the salad dressing recipe, however, I realized that an item was missing, but I didn't throw a fit. I just substituted. I knew that whatever I was doing there in the kitchen, only I would know about the errors and speedbumps--and I'm as hard on myself as you are, believe me. I want everything perfect. But I forget that only I'm likely to see the imperfections.

I guess in that way we hosts (or parents) are very much like Santa Claus. What everyone gets to see are the presents under the tree which appear like magic...not the shoving and crowds as we search for the present, not the gift-wrapping hassles or putting the toy together late into the night (we're missing a part!), not the muss or the fuss as we create those delicious feasts. And even if they do see what goes on in the workshop...they're likely to either censor that out, or recall it as special, part of the fun. Like the time some crazy catastrophe made cooking up Xmas dinner impossible, and so everyone sat around eating hot dogs and potato chips.

And I think you have to remember that unlike you, your kids have no comparison. They weren't raised in your mom's household and then in yours...in which case they *might* say, "grandma always gets the lights up in time...." But lucky you, all they know is you. And I'm sure they love the craziness. Someday, they'll reminisce and say, "The holidays were so chaotic, and it always seemed like mom wouldn't get it together--not find the stockings or put up the lights. But she always did--or if she didn't, the substitutes were so much fun! And the noise she put up with on Xmas morning. I don't know how she did it. I wish I could be more like her."

Merry Christmas

 

[Guest]

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[dr_mabeuse]

What we remember is not the Normal Rockwell set pieces of holiday perfection, but the emotional closeness, the interactions, the richness. They can be frantic or they can be peaceful, it doesn't really matter. But as long as the kids feel included and connected, they're going to remember family, and they're going to remember wonderful things.

Merry Christmas. I've got to start getting frantic about cooking myself. I'm due to start flipping out in about two hours or so. Don't want to be late...

--Zoot

 

[Guest]

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[3113]

I've just decided to drag out the wedding china we never ever use just to make things a bit more special.

Fantastic idea! IMHO, the special china does make a difference in creating those wonderful memories, especially when it's hauled out only once or twice a year. I certainly remember how magical the table looked when my mom put out the special china and silver and crystal. And, I, myself, have china patterned very prettily with holly and such that, obviously, I only bring out at this time of year for my holiday dinners. It really transforms the table.

And it's especially wonderful if the good china is also dishwasher safe

 

[Guest]

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[Zeb_Carter]

What we remember happened in a "slower" time...

No cell phones, no Starbucks, no Wal-Mart.
No Qwik-trip, no 7-11, no White Hen.

There was the corner Drug Store, the little mom & pop Grocery store and the A&P.
White Castle was new and McDonalds was just starting out,
if you wanted a burger you went to the little snack shop.

It was a time when you, as a child, could walk down the street without too much fear.
You're parents knew all the neighbors and they them.
All the kids on the block played together and were welcome in each others homes.

After school programs hadn't been invented, there were very few karate class for us to go too.
So we stayed at home and played with all our friends who also had no place to go too.

So you see there was more time too spend together doing nothing but getting ready for Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all.

 

[impressive]

Oh, I dunno. I like change.

I also recall all too vividly those behind-the-scenes peeks at my mother stressing over those Rockwellian preparations. It almost seemed as if she wanted to present Christmas with a "Ta Da!" and a round of applause. And, if any little thing went wrong, she was crushed.

I'm far more in favor of a roll-with-the-changes kinda holiday.



No matter what flavor of Christmas you prefer, I hope it's a good one!

 

[Guest]

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[impressive]

Agreed. We've begun our own traditions, of course, special and unique. I was just thinking too much, especially after doing the holiday event with my sister, who is attempting to keep every speck of holiday gatherings the way they were in the past.

Stifling, yes. But I was feeling guilty that we were not keeping all those traditions.

Oh, and my mother is the QUEEN of instilling the guilt for not maintaining tradition. I feel for ya.

 

[Guest]

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[emap]

Sister's are so good at that.

I ran into a spot of luck, everybody came over yesterday so I did a mad dash, as mad as I could manage when sick anyway to get dinner made then. Today, we are having leftovers and all I gotta do is make the pumpkin pie.

I suppose in a way I got lucky, my christmas didn't change much, no more stocking, but I still get presents, some ornaments go up, we all gripe about the music. So glad they won't play it anymore starting tomorrow.

 

[tickledkitty]

Sarah,

Your kids will too remember that feeling of safety and stability because your home is filled with love. No, it's not perfect. It never is, but that's not what matters. The important thing is that you love them enough to make the effort to create special memories for them.

Some day, maybe when you're gone, one of them will say, "Remember the year Mom wrapped the dinner table with wrapping paper?" They'll laugh about it, and their memories will be just as warm and happy as yours are.

Merry Christmas

 

[Guest]

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[tickledkitty]

Lovely thoughts, thank you.

(Do you think they'll ever figure out why I wrapped the table??? It was a hit, by the way. )

Only if you tell them.

 

[Guest]

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[amicus]

sweetsubsarahh
Snow!

~~~

I personally hope you file your original post away and bring it back next year, as I found it a very thoughtful, moving, sensitive and caring inquiry into an entire range of things.

You have sufficient supportive posts to buoy your spirit and I do not intend to deflate that even a little bit, but there was an excellent question presented as the theme of your post that has pretty much gone unaddressed.

I thought, as I read your post, about the Norman Rockwell thing mentioned by some; I also thought about the Christmas specials that have been running since Thanksgiving on several channels, including Hallmark, LMN, WE, mainly television for the ladies.

I also thought of old series like the Waltons, and Little House, and some of the old films that run every year, like White Christmas, with Bing Crosby, a name most under forty will not recognize.

I am well past the time when I and my spouse celebrated Christmas and yes, we did it, as I did it when I was younger. My children, in some ways carry on as I did but one is of a religion that does not celebrate holidays at all and so that is a slight bump in the road for memories.

I think there is something to be said for tradition as a binding force, especially for families. There is also something to be said for embracing change as it comes along.

The one part of your post that does trouble me, slightly, also concerns me with my daughters and their families as they too, are very pressed for time and seem always very stressed about making things occur in the manner they wish. They are often absolutely exhausted even before the day is through.

I also did a stint in the US Air Force with my first wife, one Christmas without her in Labrador, the next at Hickam AFB in Hawaii where it didn't seem like Christmas at all, but we carried on traditions as we had grown up with.

I do not wish this to be a political thing at all but I have concerns about the amount of time children spend in school and daycare and before and after school activities and come home to parents too exhausted to give as I feel most want to give.

Please accept that as a question and a concern in general, not addressed to you and yours at all.

All the best to all of you...



Amicus...

 

[starrkers]

Sarahh, I read your original post, nodding along with it.
My childhood Christmases revolved around peace and pleasure and a kind of regularity - some things were always the same - the christmas music on the old reel-to-reel tape player, the decorations up each year - the same ones for all my life (I have them in a box somewhere now - my parents gave them to me a couple of years ago).

This year Christmas was chaos. The tree went up on Christmas Eve (plastic tree). The lights to decorate the outside haven't turned up and we have no where to put them anyway. Tis year Christmas was held in a caravan and tumbledown two room shack.
I couldn't find the kids' santa sacks - we used pillowcases. We don't have table big enough to have a traditional dinner.
We had turkey roast, and champagne and the kids went nuts with their (noisy) presents.
Maybe it's because we eat and sleep in the caravan and play in the shack; but it doesn't feel like a real Christmas. It doesn't smell right, it doesn't look right and it doesn't feel right.
And I, too, worry what the kids will think in years to come.
I hope they'll smile as they remember the Christmas (and it better only be one) in the camp.

 

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[Guest]

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[Stella_Omega]

The year my husband and I met, we were past broke by Christmas. My father loaned me two hundred dollars to help pay the rent and bills, I had twenty left. My husband's girls from his first marriage were eleven and nine, respectivly, and we could not take them shopping-- these girls were raised by their mother to wear labels.

I scrounged a three-feet-tall tree, and someone had given me a huge sack of walnuts-- they split open easily, and I glued the shells back together, and painted them gold. I had a ton of fabric scraps, and I helped the girls "Make stuff" for their mother. I made satin-covered boxes for the girls, and that was about it.

They still remember that as one of the best Christmases of their lives-- thirty years later.

 

[Guest]

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