hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
I've read a bunch of offerings on dr.m.'s list--some bad, some mediocre, a few quite good. I read shimmy's "Champions of Terra" series a few days ago,
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=209536
then put it aside to think over a few topics.
Nothing new under the sun, but I thought the idea was quite original. The alien Alliance finds Earth (Terra), and 2,000 humans are sent off to "prove" that their kind is worthy of admission into the Alliance. We follow the adventures of (up to now) 3 women who manage to perform superbly in their respective fields in the cause of their planet.
First of all, the fact that we are talking about 3 female champions seems fitting somehow. I somehow would put the race's fate in the hands of women rather than men and I love that this series goes down that path.
So, we have the first element of story-telling: a bunch of hopeful but hopelessly outmatched heroines on a quest.
Now, we need the bad guys. This is not clear in this plot. Adversity, the unknown, the relative backwardness of the Terrans themselves are the obstacles for our heroines here. But IMO, the lack of a central representative of Evil weakens the storyline.
The Alliance in general seems to be neither wholly evil nor wholly benign. I think the author has not developed her thinking sufficiently on this one. What is the purpose of Pit fights? Why would a complicated inter-galactic society have such things? It's one thing to see it among certain (blood-thristy) races and another to see it sanctioned by the entire Alliance structure. It does not fit.
The idea of the Alliance itself overall seems underdeveloped. What kind of civilization are we talking about? What sort of principles is it based on?
One possibility would be to envision a ruling over-class, a big middle-class, and an equally-sized underclass (where Pit fights might be acceptable, for example). Some species might be over- or under-represented in these classes perhaps. Entire new species are accorded the rights and responsibilities of the underclass until they attain 5-champion status, upon which individual members are allowed upward mobility according to their ability and achievement. The point is that the setting has to be fairly detailed in the mind of the author. The stories should not tell all this in one go. In fact, it should be doled out bit by bit, a hint here, a glimpse there, maybe an explanatory paragraph thrown in. But the author has to have the full picture, a vision in her own mind.
It's like Tolkien's Middle Earth universe or those campy Star Wars stories. We are told that there was the good Old Republic, which fell from within to the Emperor, but we are not told anything about the Emperor Himself (the past is left in the shadows and the words Senator Palpatine will appear only later in passing). Darth Vader is kneeling in front of his Master's holo and says "Skywalker's son will join us or die." We think we know--Vader killed Luke's father etc etc. So, this is no big deal. But it will become a big deal when it is revealed that Vader is Anakin Skywalker himself. Ooh, now the Vader-Emperor exchange can be seen under a whole new light. References to those Clone Wars come up again and again, but there are no details--only the hint of the awful.
Let's move on. The first chapter (the tale of Kylie the Pit Fighter) introduces a bunch of supporting characters (Kylie's fighter friends) and the extent of their role is right on--neither too trivial, nor too overwhelming. I would expect to see (some of) them reappear again if this were to develop into a novel.
Chapter 3 picks up Kylie's tale, but it's really a romantic interlude. Now, had this not been Lit, I would have said that it comes way too early in the series. We get there too fast. Andreus is deus ex machina who puts everything right at the end. It's a cheap trick, more of which we will see later. I hated it. Things simply do not work out that cleanly (at least not as often as in this series). But I will let it pass for now.
The second and fifth chapter's tale of Tyrell, the Negotiator, is more captivating. It fits in with the Alliance universe quite nicely and we always keep looking ahead to see what happens next. Personally, I would have prefered a longer build-up of Tyrell's stay with King Palden as his Negotiator. We would have had the chance to get to know those two, peek into the rise of their mutual respect and admiration and enjoyment of each other's presence. We would also have had the chance to get to know this universe a bit. We could then have a different chapter with Amy/Tyrell's return.
Now I come to the untimely endings of these tales (or, what seem like endings). I know Shimmy has mentioned her fans' frustration about the absence of endings. But I am disappointed with these Hollywood-style happy endings in both chapters 3 and 5. Give me a break! The plot has a great potential of developing into a very decent novel and we now see it degenerate into cheap romance-type lovey-dovey little bits. I also note that the tough and heroic women get saved only by the divine intervention of these male knights on their white horses. Nice.
Another element missing from the plot is the element of (spiritual) guides and of a Savior. Star Wars had the Jedi and Luke Skywalker, respectively. Here, we have what? We have these tough women who end up becoming lovestruck housewives--or, so it would seem.
Here's one thought. The overclass might include a certain secretive order of mystics/philosophers. In the old times, that order used to oversee all Alliance life, judge and mediate, be the moral compass so-to-speak. Now, it has been pushed aside and it seems to only play a ceremonial role. Yet, deep down it still may be active and waiting to come to the front.
Couple this with the plot's existing idea of dying races. Instead of having the Terrans be a good genetic match and thus save some of these species, we could have something more subtle. For example, the Terrans might be able to renew the dying races by mental or emotional elements that they might bring as a young race. The mystics' order might recognize that and angle to help the Terrans succeed.
What I am trying to say is that the basic idea has a lot more potential than what is dug out in these five chapters. In fact, the endings in two of these chapters rob the idea of some of its potential. Shimmy has the vision and writes well, so she is probably able to write the novel that is hidden in here. The question is whether she wants to put in the effort for such an undertaking. Maybe sometime we'll see it in the bookstores. Who knows?
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=209536
then put it aside to think over a few topics.
Nothing new under the sun, but I thought the idea was quite original. The alien Alliance finds Earth (Terra), and 2,000 humans are sent off to "prove" that their kind is worthy of admission into the Alliance. We follow the adventures of (up to now) 3 women who manage to perform superbly in their respective fields in the cause of their planet.
First of all, the fact that we are talking about 3 female champions seems fitting somehow. I somehow would put the race's fate in the hands of women rather than men and I love that this series goes down that path.
So, we have the first element of story-telling: a bunch of hopeful but hopelessly outmatched heroines on a quest.
Now, we need the bad guys. This is not clear in this plot. Adversity, the unknown, the relative backwardness of the Terrans themselves are the obstacles for our heroines here. But IMO, the lack of a central representative of Evil weakens the storyline.
The Alliance in general seems to be neither wholly evil nor wholly benign. I think the author has not developed her thinking sufficiently on this one. What is the purpose of Pit fights? Why would a complicated inter-galactic society have such things? It's one thing to see it among certain (blood-thristy) races and another to see it sanctioned by the entire Alliance structure. It does not fit.
The idea of the Alliance itself overall seems underdeveloped. What kind of civilization are we talking about? What sort of principles is it based on?
One possibility would be to envision a ruling over-class, a big middle-class, and an equally-sized underclass (where Pit fights might be acceptable, for example). Some species might be over- or under-represented in these classes perhaps. Entire new species are accorded the rights and responsibilities of the underclass until they attain 5-champion status, upon which individual members are allowed upward mobility according to their ability and achievement. The point is that the setting has to be fairly detailed in the mind of the author. The stories should not tell all this in one go. In fact, it should be doled out bit by bit, a hint here, a glimpse there, maybe an explanatory paragraph thrown in. But the author has to have the full picture, a vision in her own mind.
It's like Tolkien's Middle Earth universe or those campy Star Wars stories. We are told that there was the good Old Republic, which fell from within to the Emperor, but we are not told anything about the Emperor Himself (the past is left in the shadows and the words Senator Palpatine will appear only later in passing). Darth Vader is kneeling in front of his Master's holo and says "Skywalker's son will join us or die." We think we know--Vader killed Luke's father etc etc. So, this is no big deal. But it will become a big deal when it is revealed that Vader is Anakin Skywalker himself. Ooh, now the Vader-Emperor exchange can be seen under a whole new light. References to those Clone Wars come up again and again, but there are no details--only the hint of the awful.
Let's move on. The first chapter (the tale of Kylie the Pit Fighter) introduces a bunch of supporting characters (Kylie's fighter friends) and the extent of their role is right on--neither too trivial, nor too overwhelming. I would expect to see (some of) them reappear again if this were to develop into a novel.
Chapter 3 picks up Kylie's tale, but it's really a romantic interlude. Now, had this not been Lit, I would have said that it comes way too early in the series. We get there too fast. Andreus is deus ex machina who puts everything right at the end. It's a cheap trick, more of which we will see later. I hated it. Things simply do not work out that cleanly (at least not as often as in this series). But I will let it pass for now.
The second and fifth chapter's tale of Tyrell, the Negotiator, is more captivating. It fits in with the Alliance universe quite nicely and we always keep looking ahead to see what happens next. Personally, I would have prefered a longer build-up of Tyrell's stay with King Palden as his Negotiator. We would have had the chance to get to know those two, peek into the rise of their mutual respect and admiration and enjoyment of each other's presence. We would also have had the chance to get to know this universe a bit. We could then have a different chapter with Amy/Tyrell's return.
Now I come to the untimely endings of these tales (or, what seem like endings). I know Shimmy has mentioned her fans' frustration about the absence of endings. But I am disappointed with these Hollywood-style happy endings in both chapters 3 and 5. Give me a break! The plot has a great potential of developing into a very decent novel and we now see it degenerate into cheap romance-type lovey-dovey little bits. I also note that the tough and heroic women get saved only by the divine intervention of these male knights on their white horses. Nice.
Another element missing from the plot is the element of (spiritual) guides and of a Savior. Star Wars had the Jedi and Luke Skywalker, respectively. Here, we have what? We have these tough women who end up becoming lovestruck housewives--or, so it would seem.
Here's one thought. The overclass might include a certain secretive order of mystics/philosophers. In the old times, that order used to oversee all Alliance life, judge and mediate, be the moral compass so-to-speak. Now, it has been pushed aside and it seems to only play a ceremonial role. Yet, deep down it still may be active and waiting to come to the front.
Couple this with the plot's existing idea of dying races. Instead of having the Terrans be a good genetic match and thus save some of these species, we could have something more subtle. For example, the Terrans might be able to renew the dying races by mental or emotional elements that they might bring as a young race. The mystics' order might recognize that and angle to help the Terrans succeed.
What I am trying to say is that the basic idea has a lot more potential than what is dug out in these five chapters. In fact, the endings in two of these chapters rob the idea of some of its potential. Shimmy has the vision and writes well, so she is probably able to write the novel that is hidden in here. The question is whether she wants to put in the effort for such an undertaking. Maybe sometime we'll see it in the bookstores. Who knows?
