Cereal pome

[DurtGurl]

I was inspirted by Dr Maboosess' mention of the "Batchelor Hand" in another thread. Whereupon I penned the hereto apended doggerel in honor thereof.

If anyone feels inspired to contribute a few verses thereto, feel free. That way no one person has to take the blame.

If we can get 30 or so verses, I'll submit it to the Pote's place where it can be rejected.
DG

Mister, there ain't nuthin' in this whole land,
As sad as livin' with a batchelor's hand,
But I ain't ashamed it's part of my life,
My right hand an' me live as man and wife.

Men around here'd rather jump in the lake,
Than so much as give my hand a shake,
Folks poke fun, always pissin' and moanin,'
Sayin' "There goes that pore disciple of Onan."

Got expelled from school, crossed off their list,
Caught me in the boys' room makin' love to my fist,
My left hand's weak, I must confess,
But the right's got muscles like Arnold S.

Last night was great, it felt like true love,
When I choked the gopher with a velvet glove,
But another thing I tried wasn't worth a shit,
It jist ain't no good wearin' a catcher's mitt.

I got no bad habits like drinkin' or smokin,'
But I surely do love a little chicken chokin'.
Sometimes when I'm feelin' depressed and bereft,
I cheer myself up by switchin' hands to the left,

I don't get girls pregnant with my jizzim,
Cause I'm a practitioner of Onanism,
Now, don't get me wrong, I ain't one of them fags,
I like my hand better'n girls because it never nags.

Folks think I'm stupid, they call me dumb,
'Cause I abuse myself with fingers and thumb,
Well, at least I sleep with my mind at ease,
I ain't never gonna catch a social disease.

My hand's real strong with a big ol' callous,
From runnin' it up and down my phallus,
I'd rather not go out and dance to a band,
I prefer to stay home with my batchelor's hand.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Pure corn!

Alex

 

[Weird Harold]

VEry nice, good meter and rhyme.

If yo're not careful you'll ruin your reputation, DG -- this is far too good.

 

[MathGirl]

VEry nice, good meter and rhyme.

If yo're not careful you'll ruin your reputation, DG -- this is far too good.

DG was hoping that others would contribute a few more verses of drivel. If she can do it, ANYONE can do it.
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Submit it, for god's sake!!! It's GREAT!

 

[Wantonica]

Compliment

Well now,

That was excellent DurtGurl. I am saying the previous comment regardless of the fact you appeared to call me dumb in a previous thread. Perhaps it was my imagination (playing tricks on me again; sorry, couldn't resist you silly wanton). Take that as you will. It just might be my brain talking.

When I regain sobriety, I may attempt to come somewhere close to your ingenuity.

With respect for the fist,
Lascivious Wanton

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Compliment

That was excellent DurtGurl. I am saying the previous comment regardless of the fact you appeared to call me dumb in a previous thread.

Dear W,
I've never called anyone dumb. Lately. Sorry if there was a misunderstanding.
MG

 

[Wantonica]

Okie Dokie

Dear W,
I've never called anyone dumb. Lately. Sorry if there was a misunderstanding.
MG

No prob MG, I sort of thought it was misunderstood by my mind. The wild one living in my head... it was her fault. And the time you told me you would cower under the bed if I dripped sarcasm (love those long, incomplete thoughts), my wonderful gift of discernment told me otherwise. I love that gift.

Hugs and smiles,
Lascivious

BTW, it may have been that Durtgurl. Sorry to jump on you if it was.

 

[Guest]

MG - I mean, DG -



Ewe Are SEW Talonted!




Great poem - submit, submit, submit!!!

 

[Gabriel_Lee]

Originally submitted by DurtGirl
If we can get 30 or so verses, I'll submit it to the Pote's place where it can be rejected.

An excellent idea! I don't mind trying a bit of pottery:

I save on chocolates, I save on flowers.
I don't tax my conversational powers.
I don't need to lie, I tell it like it is.
There's no one to say no, when I need to shoot jizz.

When I'm bashing the bishop, my one-eyed friend,
I'll see what I'm doing right through to the end.
And whether I'm sober, or whether I'm pissed,
I'm ready and willing to work with the wrist.

In the cool of the night, 'neath the moon up above,
I converse in the one-handed language of love.
No fast fancy women, no fancy fast cars,
With my piss tool in hand I can shoot at the stars.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

DurtGurl, Gavriel Lee! Thy names are poetry, thy muses are unleashed and cornhole me with Sappho's own strap-on!. I can not still my quivering pen...


There's one variation that makes me quiver
When I stick my dick in a jar of raw liver!
Feels just like pussy, nice and fat
But it must be jelly; jam don't shake like that

Or when I want it extra keen
I open up a jar of vaseline
And If that vaseline won't unscrew
Hell, motor oil or oleo or Chapstick'll do!

So I don't miss girls, I don't have fits
I bend my two fingers under; the knuckles look like tits.
Or when I'm feeling debonaire
I whip my willie with my pinky in the air.

But there was trouble just the other night
My hand and I got into a fight
"You like Lefty better! I'm going to leave!"
"Lefty who?" I asked and hid Lefty in my sleeve

"Don't lie to me or you'll regret it!
And if you're thinking about a threesome, just forget it!"
But we made up 'cause we're so well-matched.
My hands and I, we're really attached.

I know their thoughts their dreams and plans,
I know these guys like the back of my...well...
They never bitch, the never scold,
Worse thing happens is sometimes they're cold.

Let's have a contest so you'll understand.
A good looking female versus my right hand
Get the best gal in the world, and bring her in it...

'Cause no pussy in the world's got five fingers in it

---dr Percy M.

 

[MathGirl]

Wow!!

Dear GL and DrM,
DG thanks you for your contributions. I've added a few verses myself:

Sometimes I beat my meat when I'm feelin' down,
Shore beats takin' the skin boat to tuna town,
I'd like to have some pussy, often I wish,
But at least my hand don't smell like fish.

When I take a girl out she usually rubs me raw,
Then I know my best friend is my right paw.
Oughta get me a girl, I know I'm a sinner,
But I don't haveta take my hand out to dinner,

My hand don't fuss, or snarl, or frown,
It don't care if I put the toilet seat down,
I got no mother in law who gits pissed,
It's jist me an' my faithful right fist.

One thing's great, but I hate to brag,
My right hand never gets on the rag,
It's always been there, willin' and ready,
Since junior high when we started goin' steady

We've never been to the potery section, but I doubt this sort of thing would be appropriate. DG's afraid the poets might come after her with torches and pitchforks.

MG

 

[dr_mabeuse]

DurtGurl, you're incandescent!!! You're ripping it up!

The "skin boat to tuna town"?!?!

Brilliant!!


---dr.M.

 

[MathGirl]

The Durt Gurl Group

Hey, everbody,
The DurtGurl Group has submitted its first opis to this sight. Its a pome tittled "The Batchelor's Hand".

It will almost shorely be rejected, but many artists suffer from vicccussitudes at first. Special thanks to DrM for tittle and versesss, also G.Lee for something which ive now forgot but seemed real important at the time.

by, DG

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Gee, Durtz, is success going to your head? Ms. G. Lee provided several rockin' kick-ass stanzas to your opus.

Just remember, Gurl: You look up the same skirts going down the Ladder of Success as look up yours when you're coming the other way around. Or something.

---A. Friend

 

[DurtGurl]

The DurtGurl Group

We now have a new submission that will definitely be dejected by whoever does that stuff. It's "Mom's Submarine Anal Birthday Surprise" and it sets new standards for awefulness. It's written by a membrane of the group who wishes to remain an antonym and I cant blame him. All I can say is that his first name is Dr and his last name is a cormorant and rymes with papoose.
DG

 

[MathGirl]

Cereal Pome

We may need to do a sequel to "The Batchelor's Hand." I keep thinking up new verses or parts thereof. I can't seem to stop myself.

Last night when I was abusin' my hose,
My hand slipped off an' I got a bloody nose,

Good grief. I think I need a nap.
MG

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Wow!!

DG's afraid the poets might come after her with torches and pitchforks.

MG

They might because they are jealous. Too much of the poetry is refined stream of consciousness ****. DG's opus goes straight to the reason we have readers on this site. It should become the Literotica welcome song.

Og.

 

[MathGirl]

Speaking of onanists...........

Originally posted by oggbashan DG's opus goes straight to the reason we have readers on this site. It should become the Literotica welcome song.

Dear Og,
That's very perceptive. I think we all lose sight of why readers come to this site. They may find that "The Batchelor's Hand" hits a bit too close to home.

Literotica welcome song. Yes. "The Batchelor's Hand" set to music. How about "Rule Britannia?"
MG

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Speaking of onanists...........

Dear Og,
That's very perceptive. I think we all lose sight of why readers come to this site. They may find that "The Batchelor's Hand" hits a bit too close to home.

Literotica welcome song. Yes. "The Batchelor's Hand" set to music. How about "Rule Britannia?"
MG

"All things bright and beautiful; all creatures large and small" might be better. Covers sheep, kangaroos and marmots.

Og.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: Speaking of onanists...........

Originally posted by oggbashan "All things bright and beautiful; all creatures large and small" might be better. Covers sheep, kangaroos and marmots.

Dear Og,
For our readers, we need to be concerned with chickens and gophers which are choked and carrots which must be cuffed.
MG