Celibate Marriage?

[LordByron777]

Hey all, I'm still new here, but I'd like some thoughts or tips. Thanks in advance for any help you might give. Also, sorry if this gets too graphic or personal; I just don't know what else to do.

My wife and I have been married for nearly five years. In that time we have never successfully had intercourse. It hurts her and always brings her to tears (the pain kind) when we try it. We were both virgins when we got married.
She was raised in a very religious family and basically grew up with the notion that sex is bad and sinful.
I can bring her to orgasm by stimulating her clitoris with my fingers, or sometimes she will use my penis to stimulate her clit by humping against it and this gets her off too, so she is not completely unresponsive.
She has issues with and will not masturbate. She caught me masturbating once and almost divorced me right there on the spot (I wasn't proud of it but what the hell am I suppossed to do with no sex from her-- my only other option was cheating on her and not only am I never going to do that, I'm not exactly a ladykiller so it might even be impossible if I tried). I have tried to discuss sex with her openly and sometimes she is just fine and when we talk she says she wants to try new things and will even be specific but when it comes time to actually do it she never will. She won't give or recieve oral sex-- I have tried to lick her countless times and a few times she let me. She said she really liked it but it was "too intense" and most times she just laughs and pulls away like it tickles a lot. She won't even lick my penis.
I have tried to be very patient and supportive and have told her that whatever she needs to help us in this I am willing. I have also tried to make suggestions myself whenever possible. She just seems not to be interested in sex. I love her a lot but this really frustrates me and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions are infinitely appreciated. Thank you.

 

[CallaLily]

First of all, she probably ought to go to a medical doctor to figure out why sex is painful. Sex should not be so painful that in five years of marriage, it has never successfully happened.

Second, it sounds like she might need therapy to overcome her upbringing regarding intercourse and other sexual acts. I mean no offense when I say this, but being so upset that she wanted a divorce over you masterbating is not normal. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like she has some deep-seated issues where sex is concerned. Maybe you both could go together. Therapy might help.

By the way, I commend you for not cheating on your wife. In the kind of world we live in, guys like you are getting fewer and farther between. I hope it works out for you.

 

[joolushko]

I am wondering if the thearpy should be the first choice. If she was brought up ultra-religious, she might feel guilt about sex in general and her pain is a result, a sex-is-naughty-so-I-must-feel-pain pain. I dated a guy who was so hung up on his religious guilt that he would puke after we had sex.

 

[Monazwx]

Ditto. I agree completely with everything Callalily says.

It seems like she may have more than a strict upbringing though. Five years is a long time to go without. I too want to give you Kudos for hanging in there for so long. She needs to talk to someone who can help her get past these issues.

BTW, does she ever want to have kids? She must realize that you guys have to do the deed for her to get pregnant.

I pray that she gets past her hangups and you guys get through this with a stronger marriage.

 

[Cierra_Dessert]

Growing up in a strict religious enviroment where sex is a "bad" thing will always lead to those types of behaviour, IMO. It's not uncommon for one to think that masturbating is wrong, when you are brought up with those morals.

Somehow, you need to start from the begining with her and "teach" her what sex is all about between two people who love each other. Maybe introducing her to soft porn pic's or just having a serious loving conversation. It sounds like it will take some time, but I don't think two people ever stop learning or discovering what they enjoy, sexually, anyway.

Most women, I know I do, LOVE watching their man masturbate. Maybe it was the fact that it was done without her knowledge that upset her as well. Not only does she think it's bad, now she caught you doing something that she thinks is bad as well. Perhaps you can start with the topic of masturbating, laying naked side by side and telling her that it isn't a bad thing at all.

The pain part, should be examined by a doctor because there is a medical term for that. Have you ever tried using some type of lubrication? She might just be too nervous because obviously she's a virgin. Lube yourself up, go slow, and reinforce how much you love her. Tell her to relax and enjoy the feeling of being loved.

Good luck, let us know how things progress.

Here's a link that might help you.

Painful Intercourse

 

[DevilBoy79]

try using alot of lub, and start slow use your fingers, inside her to get her to relax etc, she might be small down there, one of my friends online she had the same problem, but things are ok now for her

 

[dreamer]

Immediate therapy, find a PhD that can also address the physical issues in addition to the psychological issues. You two definately need to talk this one out. It is apparent you don't want to live this way, and if she wants more out of sex then you both have work to do.

Good luck. I really wish you both the best. KEEP TALKING!!!

 

[protecter]

being raised in a releigous upbrining hurt me as well. I was so scared, that i would make excuesses not to have sex. When her parents were young it was probubly forbidden, asnd therefore it was tabo. They would only sleep together whe they wanted to have a baby, and then they would sleep in seprete beds. I grew up that way, and i never saw affection between my parents. My husband is awsome and has helped me with those fears, but it took almost 7 years, so be patient and TALK! The best marraiges arnt made of sex, its a combination of everything. Our big thing was communication. were going on 25 ys in Nov.

GOOD LUCK I wish you both the best