CAUGHT RED-HANDED

[bulld]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

 

[Bushido71XS]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!http://cwmonkey.virtualave.net/s/duckman/bigcheek.gif

 

[bulld]

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Mistress]

Laughs!
that one was great hehehe

 

[Mistress]

Congratulations, Twins!

(March 26, 2001)

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.


He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."


The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"


The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."


The husband, relieved, said, "That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"


The brother replied, "Denephew."


Strong Man

(26 March 2001)

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


Bada Boom!

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.

The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do everything."

They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.

BABABOOOM!!!

The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop! She lands in the strawberries!

They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

=====*=====

Be Careful What You Ask For

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong, pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."


Definition Of A Kiss

Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.

Prof. of Algebra: Kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: Kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology: Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology: Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: Kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics: Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy: Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English: Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering What is a Kiss?

"A Kiss is that you cannot give without taking, and cannot take without giving. It is a course of procedure cunningly devised for the mutual stoppage of speech for a moment when words are superfluous. It is lip-service to love and the anatomical
juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction.

"A Kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the baby's right, the lover's privilege, and the hypocrite's mask. To
young girl, faith; married woman, hope; old maid, charity. A Kiss can be a comma, quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one."

A Kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition.

Kissing a pretty girl is like opening a bottle of olives. After the first one the rest come easy.

"Am I the first girl you ever Kissed ?"
"Might be -- your face looks familiar."

 

[Mistress]

U.S. Laws (no joke)

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke!

Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. (Sarasota) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.


Indiana:
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.

Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Roster Of Failed Enterprises

Did you hear about the....

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Apple pie company that did not achieve enough turnover?
Army caterers that were in a mess?
Baker who was short of dough?
Balloon company -- a victim of inflation?
Billiard ball manufacturer that was snookered?
(Its creditors had to form a cue)
Black Rock group -- now defunked?
Boat manufacturer that sunk?
Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Brake company on the skids?
Brewery that was ailing?
Brick company that went to the wall?
Carpet fitters hit by tax?
Chalk supplier that was blacklisted?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Clock manufacturers that were wound up?
Compass manufacturers that lost their way?
Computer programming company whose assets were C's'd?
Consultative sewer design consortium -- fell foul of the Brain Drain?
Contractor for Bridges which collapsed?
Cooking oil formula that was a flash in the pan?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Dairy owners whose company had to buy the farm?
Disposable diaper manufacturer that ended up in the toilet?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
Electronic component manufacturer that was downsized?
Food preservation company that got out of a jam, but found itself in a pickle?
Funeral directors who got boxed in?
Gliding club that couldn't get off the ground?
Glue company that came unstuck?
Hard disk manufacturer that crashed?
Ice-Cream makers who went into liquidation?
Immersion heater company that got into hot water?
Industrial Cleaners that are washed out?
Invisible menders who hit a bad patch?
Kennels that went to the dogs?
Loudspeaker manufacturer told to shut up shop?
Manufacturer of Army surplus equipment?
Manufacturer of paint thinners that went insolvent?
Moped manufacturer that went kaput?
Motor racing team that was taken over?
Paint manufacturer that went into the red?
Paper company that folded?
Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive?
Post Office equipment supplier employee that was sacked?
Racing stables that lacked backers?
Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Religious group that had to have a rites issue?
Shoe-makers who felt the pinch?
Steam Haulage concern that went off the rails?
Sugar company that became insolvent?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Tent suppliers that pegged out?
Theme Park that lacked funding?
Transporter company that failed to materialize?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?


Caloric Sex

Question: Does anyone have any information on how many calories are burned by various sexual activities?

Answer: We don't know for sure, but in someone's imagination, it goes like this...

ACTIVITY.......................CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent............. 12
Without partner's consent.......187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands................ 7
Using one trembling hand........36
GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner...................................15
Dragging partner along floor......16
Using skateboard.......................... 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man........ 2.5
Losing erection.......................14
Searching for it......................115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection..........................1.5
Without erection...............300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced....................... 6
Inexperienced...................73
If a man does it...............680
Add (5) calories for retreiving it from accross the room.
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top, woman in
kitchen.........................26
Russian- Woman on bottom,
Man getting permission..........55
American- Both on top............60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing........................ 7
Sliding around.............. 9
Serious skidding.........12
Whiplash........................27
ORGASM:
Real................................27
Faked..........................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off............35
Expression didn't change.........1/2
Orchestra swelled.................6
Birds sang
Large birds......................... 7
Small birds......................... 3
Earth moved......................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm.....................1/2
A few moments before orgasm......500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman...................... 3
For men...........................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally.................53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving...............2
Sex on your lunch hour.................. 3
Putting it on expense account....20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants.......5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay...................14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time..........................10
Partner is taking phone calls......7
Partner is making phone calls.....40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse...............60
By your spouse...................100
Trying to explain.................55
Trying to remain calm............100
Leaping out of bed................75
Getting dressed in one motion....500
Thanking partner quickly...........2

 

[Mistress]

Right of Way
(Jackie)
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations(so it says)

Hail: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.

Hail: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

Reply: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Hail: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE
U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Reply: This is the lighthouse...your call.


The Wife
(Brett Harland)
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...

The English man says:
"You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer..."

The Scotsman says:
"That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive..."

The Irishman says:
"You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a p*nis..."


Tax Revision
FEDERAL & STATE TAX REVISION SECTION 8 FOR 2000

The only thing you don't have to pay tax on is your pecker, this is due to the fact that 80% of the time it is hanging there unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and they are both classified as nuts!

 

[Bushido71XS]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed Polish seamstress that couldn't mend straight?

 

[bulld]

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.