CAUGHT RED-HANDED

[Mistress]

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

 

[Mistress]

What's the diff?

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?

Kids will eat snot.

 

[Mistress]

You Get What You Pay For

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

 

[Mistress]

A nice old bit of meta-humour
There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"

 

[Mistress]

Out of the mouths of babes

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

"Because he fucks pigs!"

 

[Starfish]

HHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!

I thought that this thread was gonna be about me being a troll. I have no idea what I am talking about....runs off..

http://www.harrythecat.com/graphics/k/woman8.gif


Myst, if you wanna run with it ever, be my guest!

 

[Mistress]

OOOOO! Hey, I got the other Goddess fire that faces the the other way to! lol

 

[Starfish]

Post, and we'll make a doorway to the palace of the Gnufi lust worship!

Oh wait, he scares you...never mind

 

[Mistress]

LOL! Thats right, he doesnt scare me he just creeps me out! lol

Like I said a long long long time ago, he reminds me of someone trying to role play a troll/orge in Everquest!

 

[Starfish]

HEE heee!

 

[doctor_insanus]

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey! Just what in the fuck did you serve me here last night?"

The bartender looks at him and says, "I don't know; what in the fuck did you order?"

"I don't know, but whatever it was, I was blowing chunks all night!"

The bartender frowns. "So what? Lots of guys blow chunks around here!"

"You don't understand... chunks is my dog."

 

[Mistress]

Cracks up laughing!

oh now that wasnt right! Snuggles you close!

 

[doctor_insanus]

Cracks up laughing!

oh now that wasnt right! Snuggles you close!

Snuggles you right back, you little pooky poo!

OMG, did I just say "pooky poo?"

 

[Mistress]

ooo, I think you did! Grins and winks! Just cant help to say those things around me now can ya Sweet Cakes?

Snuggles up against you!

 

[doctor_insanus]

The strangest things keep coming out of me!

 

[Mistress]

It's Lord Byron doing it to you. Smiles softly

 

[doctor_insanus]

I'm inspired! Winks

 

[doctor_insanus]

A guy is visiting New York City. He goes to a bar at the top of the 40-story hotel where he's staying. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Just then, a big, muscular guy walks up to him. "Pardon me, buddy. I just noticed that you look new around here, and I wanted to tell you something."

The man sets his drink down and turns to him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You see that window over there?" He points to a large window on the far wall. "Well, it just so happens that this hotel is in a location where cold air currents from the north and warm air currents from the south create a cushion of air right outside that window. You can literally float in mid-air!"

The man frowns. "You, my friend, are full of shit."

"No, no! I'll show you!" The big man opens the window, steps through it, and floats just outside. He spreads his arms and smiles.

"Jesus Christ, that's amazing!" The man says.

The big man steps back inside. "Go ahead, you try it."

The man rushes to the window, steps through, and falls 40 stories to his death. The big man closes the window, walks over to the bar, and picks up the man's drink. The bartender frowns at him.

"You know, you are such a dick when you're drunk, Superman."

[Edited by doctor_insanus on 03-25-2001 at 12:46 PM]

 

[Mistress]

Laughs!

 

[Blackbich]

Is this a joke thread?


A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

 

[doctor_insanus]

D'oh!

 

[Mistress]

LOL!

 

[bulld]

Jokes??? Did someone say Jokes???

ok here you go........

Why is good sex like Chinese food???

Cause it ain't over til everyone gets their cookies!!!


Grins!!!!!

 

[Blackbich]

I like that joke! I need to make sure to tell that one to the next man that tries to pick me up - maybe he'll get the hint - lol.

 

[doctor_insanus]

One day there was this huge freaking rainstorm. It caused the worse flooding in the last 100 years. A gigantic wall of water was bearing down on a little town, and everyone packed up and ran for the hills.

Except for one guy. He refused to move. All he would say is, "I trust in the Lord. He will see me through."

Well, sure enough, the flood washed through the town. The guy had to climb out on the roof of his house to escape the water, but it was still rising. While he sat on top of his house, two guys in a boat paddled up to him.

"Say, pal, why don't you get in the boat? You're gonna get killed!"

The man just smiled and shook his head. "No," he said, "I trust in the Lord. He will see me through."

The two men shrugged and continued down the river. As the water continued to rise, yet another boat showed up. This time, a young woman was sitting in it.

"Hey, mister! Jump in! You're gonna die!"

Again, he just shook his head. "Thanks but no thanks. I trust in the Lord. He will see me through."

She shook her head and continued down the river. The water finally reached the roof, and was only a few inches below where the man sat, when a helicopter flew overhead. A rope latter dropped from it and hovered right beside him.

"Sir, would you please grab the ladder? You're not going to last much longer if you don't!"

"Much obliged, but no. I trust in the Lord. He will see me through." The helicopter sped away to find other victims to rescue.

Well, sure enough, the man was washed away by the water and drowned. He went to Heaven and stood before God.

"God," he said, "I trusted in you to pull me through. Yet you let me die. Why, Lord? Why?"

God shook his head. "You dumb bastard. I sent you two boats and a frickin' helicopter! What more did you want?"