Candledim -- chapter two feedback

[AmoralAuthor]

Thank you to all those who have voted and given feedback on the first chapter of Candledim. These are always appreciated. The second chapter has just been posted, so please continue to be honest and forthcoming with your thoughts. The third chapter will be submitted as soon as possible. Links to both chapters are provided below. Thanks again!

Amoral


Candledim -- A novel in progress.

Warning -- Some scenes in this novel may be disturbing to some readers.

The ghost of Rose Winter claimed Jamie's uncle, Robert, long ago. Robert is dying now, and the inheritance of Candledim, Rose's home, is up for grabs. Follow Jamie's struggle to end the cycle of abuse and corruption in his family as a new generation comes into power.

Chapter One -- Jamie cannot control his lust for Rose, and cannot stop his uncle Robert from further humiliating him or his cousin, Kelly. The one bright spot in his life is Aria. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162133

Chapter Two -- Back into the past to find the reasons why Rose haunts Candledim. This chapter begins her story as she seduces her stepson, John.http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162814

 

[Varian P]

Hi, Amoral.

As you know, I was bowled over by chapter one, and this second chapter exhibits your same skill with prose, character, and plot. This is one of the more original, compelling, and well-wrought stories I've come across on this site.

I don't have any specific trouble spots to point out. The one issue I would raise with you at this point is that throughout the chapter the sex doesn't quite have a charge to it (that is, not for me, and obviously I can't speak for anyone else).

I realize that you're exploring dark territory, so it's possible that you're deliberately not trying to make the sex scathing hot. If, on the other hand, you're trying to weave back and forth between cold sex, disturbing sex, thrilling sex, sweet sex, etc., I think what this reader needs is a little more feeling from the various characters.

For example, in the opening scene between Rose and her new husband, if she's bored and he's exhausted, you've captured that perfectly. It's all a little cold, a little mechanical, with a bit of saucy talk by Rose spicing it up a bit.

But then it seems to me that the cool detachment carries through in the scene with Rose and Percival, and even when John joins in. If both Rose and Percival are so besotted and jaded that fucking each other is no more exciting than masturbating, so be it. But if Percival is an inspiring and enthusiastic lover compared to Edward, I'd like to feel the difference.

With John, I know he's horrified at what he's doing, but I don't quite feel how that carries through in the sex. Does fucking his father's wife on their wedding day make him feel filthy in a way that drives his guilty arousal to an excruciating, fevered pitch? Is he full of loathing as he ejaculates in Rose's mouth? Does he want to beat her? Is he about to cry?

I do see that Rose herself is rather cold and detached, though driven to need sex in vast quantities, and since much of this chapter comes through her POV, perhaps you're showing us her indifferent consumption of the men around her. However, if you want your reader to feel moments of arousal as well as revulsion and in addition to enjoying the story itself-which IMO can stand on its own without enhancing the eroticism--my humble advice is more feeling, at least from the men in Rose's life.

I hope that's a little helpful.

I'm glad you're getting further chapters posted in good time--I'm enjoying the story and look forward to reading more.

-Varian

 

[AmoralAuthor]

Good thoughts, all, Varian. I write mainly fantasy in 'real life'. Erotica is a strange animal to me, and I'm still learning the, um, ins and outs.

I'll be thinking on this for a bit as I edit the next chapter. (It's finished, as usual, but I have a lot of editing (editing = cutting) to do.

Yes, I do want to do the variations on the scenes. I'll probably have to do a re-write with that in mind and your advice in mind, as well. I think I will do that before going forward, and resubmit the first two chapters before posting the next. Hmmm. Yes, I definitely believe that would be best. I have a few ideas that I'll mull over for a while.

Thanks again, Varian. Really, this kind of thought helps focus my brain a bit more.

Amoral