huskie
Recovering
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2002
- Posts
- 49,404
1. Q. How did the Canadians come up with the name of the Country?
A. C, eh?
N, eh?
D, eh?
2. Q. What do urine and Canadian beer have in common?
A. The taste
3. Q: “What does the “C H” stand for at the centre of the Montreal Forum?”
A: “Centre Hice”
4. I know someone who bought Nortel above $100 CDN in 2000. The shares went down to less than $1, so he started calling the company "Mortel", which is French for "Deadly".
5. It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
6. Canadians are known for being polite. We are so polite that Canada is probably the only place in the world where people say "thank you" to ATM machines.
7. In Canada, we have two major political parties, the Liberals who are in power, and the Conservatives. This spring was quite cold in Ottawa, the nation's capital. The leader of the Conservative Party said that it was so cold that he saw a Liberal with his hands in his own pockets.
8. In Canada we have two official languages but in reality the country is divided into linguistic regions. This can cause problems for travelers. In English speaking Canada, the showers in hotel rooms have two taps marked H and C. In the French speaking regions these taps are marked C and F. English speaking people understand the C but are not sure about the F. English speaking travelers frequently beat a hurried exit from the shower after they try to reduce the water temperature by opening the tap marked C as wide as it will go.
9. Calgary is a fast growing oil town and as such is frequently visited by Texans in the oil business. Many Texans believe that Texas is the biggest and the best and one such visitor got into a taxi one day and told the drive to give him a tour of the city. When they came to the Saddle Dome, the Texan asked what it was and proceeded to tell the driver how big the Astro Dome is Houston was. When they came to the University, the Texan went on at length, singing the praised of the universities in Texas. Everyplace they went the story was the same. The cab driver was getting a little bit tired of the bragging.
Then they came to the Pallicer hotel, a huge hotel built many years ago by the Canadian Pacific Railway in the style of an Italian villa. The Texan asked the cabbie what this building was. The Cabbie looked at it in surprise and replied, "I really don't know. It wasn't there yesterday."
10. There are really only two seasons in Canada, winter and the construction season.
11. Western Canada experiences a unique weather phenomenon called the chinook. It is caused by a temperature inversion at the edge of the Rocky Mountains. Warm Pacific air that normally stays aloft is forced to ground level and in the winter temperatures can go from -40 C (-40F) in the morning to +20 C (+ 60 F) by noon. The rapid melting can cause flooding. When it ends, the water freezes leaving streets like skating rinks. It is difficult to know what to wear to work. One day a man boarded the morning commuter bus wearing a parka and snow boots, an umbrella, swim fins and a swimming mask, a snorkel, ice skates and snow shoes.
12. In the Yukon is found Klondike City, the center of the Klondike gold rush. Out of the goldrush days comes the tradition of the Sourdough. Basically a Sourdough is a veteran at living in the Yukon. There is a right of passage to becoming a Sourdough that involves drinking a quart of whisky, killing a grizzly bear and making love to an Indian woman.
A Texan arrived in Klondike City one day and after spending a few hours in a local bar, was told about the Sourdough tradition. "Hey!" said the Texan, "That sounds like fun. I want to try it."
So he drank a quart of whisky and set off into the night, listing slightly to one side, to carry out the other two tasks. A couple of days passed and there was no sign of the Texan. Then one afternoon he came staggering back into the bar. He was bloody from head to toe. He was cut up and scratched. There were tree branches protruding from what was left of his clothing. He made it to the bar and gasped, "Okay. So where is this Indian woman I'm supposed to kill."
13. A Canadian lay dying of cirrhosis of the liver. So he says to his friend, an American, “Jack, you have been my best friend all my life. When I die, I want you to sprinkle a case of Molson's Canadian on my grave.” To this Jack replied, “Pierre, I sure would do whatever you ask. But you don't mind me passing it through my kidneys first?”
14. Canadians are so conservative that their female impersonators are women.
15. You Know You're Canadian When...
…you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
…you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
…driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
…you have amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg".
16. Two Canadians are walking across the tundra and one is carrying a case of beer. The first one says, "What you got there, eh?". The second one replies, "A case of beer, eh.". To which the first one says, "What'd you get it for, eh?" The second says, "For my wife, eh?" Then the first one says, "Good trade, eh!"
17. Question: “Why aren't there any Canadian jokes?”
Answer: “Who cares, eh?”
18. It's hard to tell a Canadian from a regular very boring white guy unless he's dressed to go outdoors.
19. Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
20. An American and his wife were on a lovely drive in Canada when they got lost. After hours of driving around, they finally pulled into a city. Noticing a man walking down the sidewalk, the husband pulled over and told his wife to ask where they were. "Excuse me, sir, but where are we?" the wife asked.
The man on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The wife rolled up her window and turned to her husband. "We really are lost," she said. "They don't even speak English here!"
21. An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
22. A Canadian and a French-Canadian are walking along the beach arguing about the Province of Quebec and Quebec separatism, the French-Canadian being a die-hard separatist. Lo and behold, they come upon a bottle and they each grab for it simultaneously. During the struggle a genie pops out of the bottle. The genie says to them that it is normally the custom to grant three wishes to whoever holds the bottle but since they both hold it she can only grant one wish apiece. They argue who should get the first wish, eventually flip a coin, and the French-Canadian wins. The French-Canadian ponders a moment and states that it is his wish for a free and independent Quebec, free from the interferences of English Canada. He asks the genie to build a fifty-foot high wall around the Province of Quebec. The genie says that she will grant him his wish and “poof” there is a fifty-foot wall surrounding the Province of Quebec. The genie now turns to the Canadian and asks for his wish. Without hesitation, he says, “Now, fill it with water”.
23. A French Canadian wanted to raise chickens, so he went out and bought seven chickens, dug seven holes in the ground, and buried their heads in the soil with their bodies flopping on the ground. When he got up the next day, they were dead. He did not understand why.
So he tried again. He bought seven more chickens, and this time he dug holes and buried them with just their feet sticking out of the ground. He watered them and went to bed. The next day they were dead...again.
He decided to write to the University of Montreal and tell them of his dilemma. He explained what he had done and asked for advice.
A week later, he received a letter from the university asking for a sample of the soil..................
24. On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
25. In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought “That American son of a [female dog] wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”
The fat lady thought “That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”
The American thought “That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”
The Canadian thought “I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”
26. News Report
Today Canada agrees to help the US and Britain in the actions against Iraq. The Canadian government promised the US a fleet of its largest battleships, a company of its best-trained infantry and a squadron of jets. But, due to the exchange rate this comes down to 6 canoes, 3 Mounties and a flying squirrel.
27. Two guys were talk about Canada when one said the only two professions in Canada are prostitute and hockey player. The other said "I'm married to a Canadian". Where upon the other replied "What team does she play for?"
28. Q. "Do you know the difference between a canoe and a Canuck?".
A. "The canoe tips!"
29. A dilemma:
You're in Florida... In Miami to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and several flood. There are huge masses of water all over you.
You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a group of men in the water; they are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow, the group looks familiar. Suddenly you know who they are - it's The Toronto Maple Leafs! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them away, forever.
You have two options. You can save them or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of The Leafs, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the ominous death of a famous hockey team.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?
30. Q. What do you call a Canadian accountant in a suit?
A. The accused.
31. Two guys go ice fishing. They get their small axes out of their backpacks and begin furiously striking at the ice. A few minutes later they hear a deep voice from above: " There's no fish under that ice."
The two guys are surprised; they look around and when they see no one nearby, they continue their work with the ax. A few minutes later they again hear the deep voice from above: "There's no fish under the ice!"
Now the two are bewildered because when they look around, there's no one in sight.
So they resume axing the ice at an even more furious pace. And once again they hear the deep voice from above: "There's no fish under the ice!"
Now totally frustrated and scared, one of the guys shouts back: "Who is there? Who is talking to us...?"
And the deep voice from above said: "This is the Arena Manager speaking.....!"
32. A Canadian died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly gates he was stopped and informed that a mistake had been made - his time was not up. St. Peter made him an offer - You can go back as any thing you like so the Canadian immediately said he wanted to return as a 'real stud".
A few weeks later, God asked St. Peter, "Whatever happened to that Canadian who came here by mistake?"
Replied St. Peter " Oh, he's rolling around on a tire somewhere in Northern Saskatchewan."
33. Canadians could have had British culture, French food, and American technology; instead they have British food, French technology, and American culture.
34. In the USA "Moosehead" is a beer...in Canada it's only a misdemeanor.
35. What could be more Canadian, than the story of Rocket Richard picking the three stars after a Montreal Canadiens hockey game in the 1960's
Announcer : Tonight , Rocket Richard is picking the three stars. Rocket, who have you chosen ?
Rocket : For the first star, I pick my brudder Henri Richard. He scored a goal. For the second star, I pick Jean Beliveau. He score a goal and he got an assist. And for the tird star, I pick Boom Boom Geoffrion. He score a goal and he got an assist.
Announcer : What about Gordie Howe ?
Rocket : Dat son of [female dog]. If he didn't score 4 goals, we would have won the game!!!!!!
36. 25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are all Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a touque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!!
37. In most of the Canadian provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.
One morning in March 2004 about 3 AM, RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.
Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to he driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat.
He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it's still stuck in the snow.
Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
38. Look up Canadian in the dictionary, it sends you to "Park Ranger".
At the end of the definition of Park ranger it says, "If Canadian is specified, it means "caretaker of Americas largest national park, Canada."
39. Q. Why is Canada so cold?
A. Because it's shadowed by America.
40. Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say "Please get off my front lawn."
41. CANADIANS IN HELL
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
42. A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
43. You know you're Canadian when you know how to say “free prize” and “no sugar added” in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
44. I am Canadian. When I was in Ireland on a trip I was amazed at the statues of Irish conquerors of old. I asked one of the older gentlemen there and he said it was to honor the equivalent of a famous person. He said "you have the same thing in Canada" I replied "we really only have one famous Canadian - Celine Dion." His eyes lit up "Aye, you have all kinds of statues of her in Canada, I saw them."
I replied: "No, those are parking meters."
45. Ottawa's leading newspaper once had a contest for readers to complete the sentence, "As Canadian as_________". And the winning entry was, "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
46. Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
47. Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his rear end?
Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.
48. Definition of a Canadian: An unarmed American with health care....
49. In Canada we have two seasons -- six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
50. Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
A: "Sorry"
51. The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50* F (10* C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Texans die of exposure.
Canadians plant gardens.
35* F (1.6* C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32* F (0* C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0* F (-17.9* C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60* F (-51* C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100* F (-73* C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173* F (-114* C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460* F (-273* C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500* F (-295* C)
Hell freezes over.
The Calgary Flames win the Stanley Cup
52. Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say: "Please get off my front lawn."
53. A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
54. When I was a kid in Saskatchewan my dog ran away from home. We watched him for 3 days.
55. I was in Toronto earlier this summer and every bar I went to I saw the same guy drinking heavily and it was not because he was a Bluejays fan. Not that I was drinking in every bar but just liked visiting. Anyway, one night I see him lying in the street so loaded he cannot walk. I notice he is pointing at something and I go to see if he is ok. I ask him if he is okay and he just keep's saying, "it can't be done, it can't be done" I ask what can't be done and he points to a sign above his head. I look and see the sign "Drink Canada Dry"!
A. C, eh?
N, eh?
D, eh?
2. Q. What do urine and Canadian beer have in common?
A. The taste
3. Q: “What does the “C H” stand for at the centre of the Montreal Forum?”
A: “Centre Hice”
4. I know someone who bought Nortel above $100 CDN in 2000. The shares went down to less than $1, so he started calling the company "Mortel", which is French for "Deadly".
5. It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
6. Canadians are known for being polite. We are so polite that Canada is probably the only place in the world where people say "thank you" to ATM machines.
7. In Canada, we have two major political parties, the Liberals who are in power, and the Conservatives. This spring was quite cold in Ottawa, the nation's capital. The leader of the Conservative Party said that it was so cold that he saw a Liberal with his hands in his own pockets.
8. In Canada we have two official languages but in reality the country is divided into linguistic regions. This can cause problems for travelers. In English speaking Canada, the showers in hotel rooms have two taps marked H and C. In the French speaking regions these taps are marked C and F. English speaking people understand the C but are not sure about the F. English speaking travelers frequently beat a hurried exit from the shower after they try to reduce the water temperature by opening the tap marked C as wide as it will go.
9. Calgary is a fast growing oil town and as such is frequently visited by Texans in the oil business. Many Texans believe that Texas is the biggest and the best and one such visitor got into a taxi one day and told the drive to give him a tour of the city. When they came to the Saddle Dome, the Texan asked what it was and proceeded to tell the driver how big the Astro Dome is Houston was. When they came to the University, the Texan went on at length, singing the praised of the universities in Texas. Everyplace they went the story was the same. The cab driver was getting a little bit tired of the bragging.
Then they came to the Pallicer hotel, a huge hotel built many years ago by the Canadian Pacific Railway in the style of an Italian villa. The Texan asked the cabbie what this building was. The Cabbie looked at it in surprise and replied, "I really don't know. It wasn't there yesterday."
10. There are really only two seasons in Canada, winter and the construction season.
11. Western Canada experiences a unique weather phenomenon called the chinook. It is caused by a temperature inversion at the edge of the Rocky Mountains. Warm Pacific air that normally stays aloft is forced to ground level and in the winter temperatures can go from -40 C (-40F) in the morning to +20 C (+ 60 F) by noon. The rapid melting can cause flooding. When it ends, the water freezes leaving streets like skating rinks. It is difficult to know what to wear to work. One day a man boarded the morning commuter bus wearing a parka and snow boots, an umbrella, swim fins and a swimming mask, a snorkel, ice skates and snow shoes.
12. In the Yukon is found Klondike City, the center of the Klondike gold rush. Out of the goldrush days comes the tradition of the Sourdough. Basically a Sourdough is a veteran at living in the Yukon. There is a right of passage to becoming a Sourdough that involves drinking a quart of whisky, killing a grizzly bear and making love to an Indian woman.
A Texan arrived in Klondike City one day and after spending a few hours in a local bar, was told about the Sourdough tradition. "Hey!" said the Texan, "That sounds like fun. I want to try it."
So he drank a quart of whisky and set off into the night, listing slightly to one side, to carry out the other two tasks. A couple of days passed and there was no sign of the Texan. Then one afternoon he came staggering back into the bar. He was bloody from head to toe. He was cut up and scratched. There were tree branches protruding from what was left of his clothing. He made it to the bar and gasped, "Okay. So where is this Indian woman I'm supposed to kill."
13. A Canadian lay dying of cirrhosis of the liver. So he says to his friend, an American, “Jack, you have been my best friend all my life. When I die, I want you to sprinkle a case of Molson's Canadian on my grave.” To this Jack replied, “Pierre, I sure would do whatever you ask. But you don't mind me passing it through my kidneys first?”
14. Canadians are so conservative that their female impersonators are women.
15. You Know You're Canadian When...
…you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
…you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
…driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
…you have amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg".
16. Two Canadians are walking across the tundra and one is carrying a case of beer. The first one says, "What you got there, eh?". The second one replies, "A case of beer, eh.". To which the first one says, "What'd you get it for, eh?" The second says, "For my wife, eh?" Then the first one says, "Good trade, eh!"
17. Question: “Why aren't there any Canadian jokes?”
Answer: “Who cares, eh?”
18. It's hard to tell a Canadian from a regular very boring white guy unless he's dressed to go outdoors.
19. Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
20. An American and his wife were on a lovely drive in Canada when they got lost. After hours of driving around, they finally pulled into a city. Noticing a man walking down the sidewalk, the husband pulled over and told his wife to ask where they were. "Excuse me, sir, but where are we?" the wife asked.
The man on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The wife rolled up her window and turned to her husband. "We really are lost," she said. "They don't even speak English here!"
21. An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
22. A Canadian and a French-Canadian are walking along the beach arguing about the Province of Quebec and Quebec separatism, the French-Canadian being a die-hard separatist. Lo and behold, they come upon a bottle and they each grab for it simultaneously. During the struggle a genie pops out of the bottle. The genie says to them that it is normally the custom to grant three wishes to whoever holds the bottle but since they both hold it she can only grant one wish apiece. They argue who should get the first wish, eventually flip a coin, and the French-Canadian wins. The French-Canadian ponders a moment and states that it is his wish for a free and independent Quebec, free from the interferences of English Canada. He asks the genie to build a fifty-foot high wall around the Province of Quebec. The genie says that she will grant him his wish and “poof” there is a fifty-foot wall surrounding the Province of Quebec. The genie now turns to the Canadian and asks for his wish. Without hesitation, he says, “Now, fill it with water”.
23. A French Canadian wanted to raise chickens, so he went out and bought seven chickens, dug seven holes in the ground, and buried their heads in the soil with their bodies flopping on the ground. When he got up the next day, they were dead. He did not understand why.
So he tried again. He bought seven more chickens, and this time he dug holes and buried them with just their feet sticking out of the ground. He watered them and went to bed. The next day they were dead...again.
He decided to write to the University of Montreal and tell them of his dilemma. He explained what he had done and asked for advice.
A week later, he received a letter from the university asking for a sample of the soil..................
24. On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
25. In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought “That American son of a [female dog] wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”
The fat lady thought “That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”
The American thought “That damn Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”
The Canadian thought “I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”
26. News Report
Today Canada agrees to help the US and Britain in the actions against Iraq. The Canadian government promised the US a fleet of its largest battleships, a company of its best-trained infantry and a squadron of jets. But, due to the exchange rate this comes down to 6 canoes, 3 Mounties and a flying squirrel.
27. Two guys were talk about Canada when one said the only two professions in Canada are prostitute and hockey player. The other said "I'm married to a Canadian". Where upon the other replied "What team does she play for?"
28. Q. "Do you know the difference between a canoe and a Canuck?".
A. "The canoe tips!"
29. A dilemma:
You're in Florida... In Miami to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and several flood. There are huge masses of water all over you.
You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a group of men in the water; they are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow, the group looks familiar. Suddenly you know who they are - it's The Toronto Maple Leafs! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them away, forever.
You have two options. You can save them or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of The Leafs, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the ominous death of a famous hockey team.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?
30. Q. What do you call a Canadian accountant in a suit?
A. The accused.
31. Two guys go ice fishing. They get their small axes out of their backpacks and begin furiously striking at the ice. A few minutes later they hear a deep voice from above: " There's no fish under that ice."
The two guys are surprised; they look around and when they see no one nearby, they continue their work with the ax. A few minutes later they again hear the deep voice from above: "There's no fish under the ice!"
Now the two are bewildered because when they look around, there's no one in sight.
So they resume axing the ice at an even more furious pace. And once again they hear the deep voice from above: "There's no fish under the ice!"
Now totally frustrated and scared, one of the guys shouts back: "Who is there? Who is talking to us...?"
And the deep voice from above said: "This is the Arena Manager speaking.....!"
32. A Canadian died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly gates he was stopped and informed that a mistake had been made - his time was not up. St. Peter made him an offer - You can go back as any thing you like so the Canadian immediately said he wanted to return as a 'real stud".
A few weeks later, God asked St. Peter, "Whatever happened to that Canadian who came here by mistake?"
Replied St. Peter " Oh, he's rolling around on a tire somewhere in Northern Saskatchewan."
33. Canadians could have had British culture, French food, and American technology; instead they have British food, French technology, and American culture.
34. In the USA "Moosehead" is a beer...in Canada it's only a misdemeanor.
35. What could be more Canadian, than the story of Rocket Richard picking the three stars after a Montreal Canadiens hockey game in the 1960's
Announcer : Tonight , Rocket Richard is picking the three stars. Rocket, who have you chosen ?
Rocket : For the first star, I pick my brudder Henri Richard. He scored a goal. For the second star, I pick Jean Beliveau. He score a goal and he got an assist. And for the tird star, I pick Boom Boom Geoffrion. He score a goal and he got an assist.
Announcer : What about Gordie Howe ?
Rocket : Dat son of [female dog]. If he didn't score 4 goals, we would have won the game!!!!!!
36. 25 Signs Showing You Might be Canadian
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are all Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a touque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!!
37. In most of the Canadian provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.
One morning in March 2004 about 3 AM, RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.
Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to he driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat.
He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it's still stuck in the snow.
Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine.
Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
38. Look up Canadian in the dictionary, it sends you to "Park Ranger".
At the end of the definition of Park ranger it says, "If Canadian is specified, it means "caretaker of Americas largest national park, Canada."
39. Q. Why is Canada so cold?
A. Because it's shadowed by America.
40. Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say "Please get off my front lawn."
41. CANADIANS IN HELL
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
42. A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
43. You know you're Canadian when you know how to say “free prize” and “no sugar added” in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
44. I am Canadian. When I was in Ireland on a trip I was amazed at the statues of Irish conquerors of old. I asked one of the older gentlemen there and he said it was to honor the equivalent of a famous person. He said "you have the same thing in Canada" I replied "we really only have one famous Canadian - Celine Dion." His eyes lit up "Aye, you have all kinds of statues of her in Canada, I saw them."
I replied: "No, those are parking meters."
45. Ottawa's leading newspaper once had a contest for readers to complete the sentence, "As Canadian as_________". And the winning entry was, "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances."
46. Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks quickly away!
The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away!
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.
She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"
47. Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his rear end?
Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.
48. Definition of a Canadian: An unarmed American with health care....
49. In Canada we have two seasons -- six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
50. Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
A: "Sorry"
51. The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50* F (10* C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Texans die of exposure.
Canadians plant gardens.
35* F (1.6* C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32* F (0* C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0* F (-17.9* C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60* F (-51* C)
Mt.St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100* F (-73* C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173* F (-114* C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460* F (-273* C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500* F (-295* C)
Hell freezes over.
The Calgary Flames win the Stanley Cup
52. Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say: "Please get off my front lawn."
53. A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
54. When I was a kid in Saskatchewan my dog ran away from home. We watched him for 3 days.
55. I was in Toronto earlier this summer and every bar I went to I saw the same guy drinking heavily and it was not because he was a Bluejays fan. Not that I was drinking in every bar but just liked visiting. Anyway, one night I see him lying in the street so loaded he cannot walk. I notice he is pointing at something and I go to see if he is ok. I ask him if he is okay and he just keep's saying, "it can't be done, it can't be done" I ask what can't be done and he points to a sign above his head. I look and see the sign "Drink Canada Dry"!
