Canadian Author
- Thread starter tcp101
- Start date
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2006
- Posts
- 17,732
tcp101 said:
It's always hard to get into stories written in second person. For one thing, being a man, I can't find the necessary leavel of heat since I do not have breasts. Quite a few readers feel this way, which is why stories in second person rarely do well.
Secondly, your paragraphs are way too long. Reading paragraphs of that length put strain on the eyes, and it's easy for the reader to lose their place.
There's also no dialogue, no real interaction between the characters. I wasn't sure if the lovers were not actually together (and the narrator is writing to his lover what he plans on doing).
Beyond a terse opening sentence, there's very little reason for the reader to empathize with either character. There are no names (that I could see), so we're left with Nameless Guy fucks Nameless Girl.
There were few glaring spelling or punctuation errors (aside from the 'Plleeeassee;' that's not a good way to write. I did that on a couple of my earlier stories, but have since learned my lesson), so that's a plus.
Really, the main beefs with the story are the style in which it is written (second person), and the length of the paragraphs. Try making it third person, or even first person if you're so inclined, and give us some more detail on who the characters are.
Good luck.
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2006
- Posts
- 17,732
tcp101 said:
No problem. The good thing about Lit is that you can always get a second chance.
Keep writing.
mjl2010
Older and Wiser
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2007
- Posts
- 1,696
For any story to truly move the reader, it has to bring them to a certain suspension of reality and move them to a point of belief.
In first the first person point of view, this can put the reader into the position of the main character, let them believe they are the main character and take them along on a journey.
I read a spy novel once, wish I could find it again, that was written from the first person POV. Very well written, I might add. It was one of those books you end up reading until 4 in morning until you simply can't go on. Then later you can't wait to get back to it. I became the spy, saw places all over the world and finally escaped the clutches of the KGB with my work completed. That was one of the best things I ever read.
Second person, which is the POV your story is written from, can be effective in certain cases. You really need to know what you are doing in order for that to work. Essentially, you've got two characters. The man and the woman. Me and you. So ok, the man is telling the woman what is going on. That puts the reader in the position of the woman. What are most straight male readers going to do? Probably say "Uhg" and back click to find something else. They just don't want a man describing what he is doing to them. The same would be true from the opposite perspective, the woman telling the man what is happening. In either case, you lose half your potential readers right at the beginning.
We finally come to third person. Third person is like a fly on the wall. The fly sees everything and relates it back to the reader. The narrator himself, while using a mostly factual tone, also relates dialog, which is what really gets us into the characters heads. There are variations of third person, no need to expound on those. Now you have, he said, she said, he did, she did. Everyone gets to enjoy.
For a two character story, first person will work ok. You still end up with the man or woman explaining what happened from their point of view and that can turn off the other sex in an erotic story. If done well, it will ring well with certain readers.
Third person is probably harder to write when you're new. It was hard for me to get the hang of it I know that. Take your story, redo it in third person. Have someone edit it. Repost. I think you'll find it does better and more people will enjoy it.
MJL
In first the first person point of view, this can put the reader into the position of the main character, let them believe they are the main character and take them along on a journey.
I read a spy novel once, wish I could find it again, that was written from the first person POV. Very well written, I might add. It was one of those books you end up reading until 4 in morning until you simply can't go on. Then later you can't wait to get back to it. I became the spy, saw places all over the world and finally escaped the clutches of the KGB with my work completed. That was one of the best things I ever read.
Second person, which is the POV your story is written from, can be effective in certain cases. You really need to know what you are doing in order for that to work. Essentially, you've got two characters. The man and the woman. Me and you. So ok, the man is telling the woman what is going on. That puts the reader in the position of the woman. What are most straight male readers going to do? Probably say "Uhg" and back click to find something else. They just don't want a man describing what he is doing to them. The same would be true from the opposite perspective, the woman telling the man what is happening. In either case, you lose half your potential readers right at the beginning.
We finally come to third person. Third person is like a fly on the wall. The fly sees everything and relates it back to the reader. The narrator himself, while using a mostly factual tone, also relates dialog, which is what really gets us into the characters heads. There are variations of third person, no need to expound on those. Now you have, he said, she said, he did, she did. Everyone gets to enjoy.
For a two character story, first person will work ok. You still end up with the man or woman explaining what happened from their point of view and that can turn off the other sex in an erotic story. If done well, it will ring well with certain readers.
Third person is probably harder to write when you're new. It was hard for me to get the hang of it I know that. Take your story, redo it in third person. Have someone edit it. Repost. I think you'll find it does better and more people will enjoy it.
MJL
