Can you rub my...

[SlidingInSilk]

Can you rub me ego?
Really I'm looking for help with my stories. While I have been getting good votes, I am wondering what I can do to improve them to make them hotter for the readers.

Silk






My Stories

 

[JUDO]

Posts??? Links???

SIS -

Well, people have said this SO many times here, I guess it should be in bold type on the lit main page:

POST A LINK FOR THE STUFF!

Otherwise, few, if any, will take the time to go and find it and give you feedback.

Toods.
- Judo

PS - It's simple to do. Just put the URL address like this: http://www.literotica.com and leave the "Automatically parse URLs" button checked when you post and voila!

 

[SlidingInSilk]

Re: Posts??? Links???

SIS -

Well, people have said this SO many times here, I guess it should be in bold type on the lit main page:

POST A LINK FOR THE STUFF!

Otherwise, few, if any, will take the time to go and find it and give you feedback.

Toods.
- Judo

PS - It's simple to do. Just put the URL address like this: http://www.literotica.com and leave the "Automatically parse URLs" button checked when you post and voila!

K but I did in the original post. just below my name in the original post you will find a link call My Stories click on on it and guess what...

I have seen that many forget to do this, fortunately I'm not one of them.
Silk

 

[Beaversnapper]

Can you rub me ego?
Really I'm looking for help with my stories. While I have been getting good votes, I am wondering what I can do to improve them to make them hotter for the readers.

Silk


Hi Silk
rub your ego - uummmhhhh - that sounds nice

did you check your feedbacks tonight? I made one comment re Cupids Arrow which may help, but then I am only a reader not a writer.

re your previous reply on pics 'I'm asking ' are there any more?
i think I might sleep more comfortably if I got a couple more
he he



My Stories

 

[Beaversnapper]

Can you rub me ego?
Really I'm looking for help with my stories. While I have been getting good votes, I am wondering what I can do to improve them to make them hotter for the readers.

Silk





My Stories

Hi Silk

wooops
sorry about previous post-


- rub your ego - uummmhhhh - that sounds nice

did you check your feedbacks tonight? I made one comment re Cupids Arrow which may help, but then I am only a reader not a writer.

re your previous reply on pics 'I'm asking ' are there any more?
i think I might sleep more comfortably if I got a couple more
he he

 

[Beaversnapper]

Can you rub me ego?
Really I'm looking for help with my stories. While I have been getting good votes, I am wondering what I can do to improve them to make them hotter for the readers.

Silk





My Stories

Hi Silk




- rub your ego - uummmhhhh - that sounds nice

did you check your feedbacks tonight? I made one comment re Cupids Arrow which may help, but then I am only a reader not a writer.

re your previous reply on pics 'I'm asking ' are there any more?
i think I might sleep more comfortably if I got a couple more
he he

 

[Beaversnapper]

Rub My Ego

Hi Silk

I have no idea what is going on here

but remember the pics

B

 

[JUDO]

More

SIS -

You have to give me more, if you want feedback - not just a link to everything you've ever posted.

What? You may ask?

1) Feedback on a specific story.

2) Any worthy feedback you have received.

3) Any particular elements of your writing you would like examined.

But if you want someone to go to all the trouble of reading everything and then getting back to you, you are going to have a long wait.

- Judo

 

[SlidingInSilk]

Re: More

SIS -

You have to give me more, if you want feedback - not just a link to everything you've ever posted.

What? You may ask?

1) Feedback on a specific story.

2) Any worthy feedback you have received.

3) Any particular elements of your writing you would like examined.

But if you want someone to go to all the trouble of reading everything and then getting back to you, you are going to have a long wait.

- Judo

personally I figured since I have only 6 stories of which 4 are chapters of one story, that I was allowing readers to choose a catagory they preferred but okay Judo if you prefer this way

Anal Be Yours Forever

As to your other questions: feedback has only been of the general one liner kind (I really enjoyed your story) for this one and the elements I mentioned before is that the story be hotter for the reader.
Silk

 

[JUDO]

Monday

Thanks, SIS, will get to it this monday.


- Judo

 

[Impetus]

No, now!

Much as I normally like fantasy settings in my erotica, I don't think you did enough with it this time. Nearly everything in this story could have been done with a pair of humans in any place in the world. If you're going to use fantasy, I am of the opinion that you should use it. You did use the 'mystery' and 'exoticness' of the elven male a little bit, but not enough, in my opinion. There is a wide realm of things that can be drawn upon in a fantasy setting, use them to your advantage.

The sex, however, was very hot, and overall the writing style was solid. I really liked reading the story, I just wish you'd done something more with the universe.

-I

 

[SlidingInSilk]

more...

Thanks, Impetus!

This was my first story with fantasy characters. I am working on others as it is my favorite genre to read. I will keep your suggestions in mind as I write.

Silk

 

[Shadowsong22]

I already sent you a PM about this but I'll respond here since I thought of a few more things. Your action scenes are great, I know I love them! But maybe more details and setup would heat things up even more. I enjoy a decent sized setup so that when the action starts my heart is already pounding. Keep it up! <rubs your ego>

 

[Shadowsong22]

Re: more...

Thanks, Impetus!

This was my first story with fantasy characters. I am working on others as it is my favorite genre to read. I will keep your suggestions in mind as I write.

Silk

Fantasy is also my favorite genre which is why I've really enjoyed your stories so far. Keep it up!

 

[SlidingInSilk]

Re: Re: more...

Fantasy is also my favorite genre which is why I've really enjoyed your stories so far. Keep it up!

Thanks sweetie
I've added more threads to my fantasy story on Chyoo if anyone is interested.

The Unicorn's Gift
Silk

 

[Shadowsong22]

Re: Re: Re: more...

Thanks sweetie
I've added more threads to my fantasy story on Chyoo if anyone is interested.

The Unicorn's Gift
Silk

I just read your additions. Now this I can work from....

 

[SlidingInSilk]

thread additions

I just read your additions. Now this I can work from....

Yay! I am so looking forward to seeing that.

 

[JUDO]

CRITICISM: Anal Be Yours Forever

SIS -

Read your story. Hope you're ready for this.

Pro: Nice premise. Good adverb/adjective choices.

Con: Spelling! His richly embroidered clock fluttered behind him... No, I cannot get past mispellings. They take the reader right out of the story. You must not have them.

Vary your sentence structure. Otherwise, the thoughts aren't communicated freshly enough. You use the connector "and" a LOT. Sometimes you are better at this than others. Seems like you need a rewrite to make the structures more homogeneous in their style.

After you have put your words down initially, try revisiting the sentences of each paragraph and moving the sentences phrases around. You might add introductory adverbial clauses or clauses that begin with "ing" descriptors. For example, in your first paragraph:

His richly embroidered cloak fluttered behind him giving the impression that he was flying and it's mottled green hue helping to hide his passing.

Yes, nice word choices, but the and gets in the way of associating the colorful desciption with the cloak. How about this?

Giving the impression that he was flying as it fluttered behind him, his richly embroidered cloak of mottled green hue helped to hide his passing.

This is I think more of what you were trying to convey. The sentence rather than being about him flying is all about the cloak and its effect. It's quite a mouthfull, having three thoughts in it and might have worked better as two sentences.

But keep your structures similar, unless you wish to startle for effect.

In your second paragraph, you have several nice long sentences in a row, then you end the paragraph with your simplest sentence structure yet.

In their midst stood a woman.

If this were a seperate paragraph and the visual were stunning...

In their midst stood a woman of fire.

...then I could see the short structure. Otherwise, it stands out from the others and for what purpose? It should have been worked into the previous sentence or more detail brought to that sentence. For example:

In their midst, stood a woman of unnatural beauty whose skirts dripped with the early morning dew.

Second paragraph, "He quietly drew closer." Now, it seems as though the blond man is moving with stealth, but your only description of his action thus far is that he is running. Are you going to explain or hint at how he runs with such quiet stealth through a forest? Is he still running?

5th Paragraph - he's crouching low in grasses, so we never get the action of him pausing, stopping, decellerating to spy on the girl.

Word usage - You have a great setup word in the description of the cottage (paragraph 2) - caress.

The flowers and wild grasses which swayed beneath the caress of a breeze."

This is wonderful because it sets up the reader for what is coming between the man and the woman, but then (in paragraph 3), you use the words "twitch" and "groin" for the man's sexual response to her beauty. Perhaps something more sensual. Twitch implies a sudden, almost medical movement. Here's the sentence:

"He felt a twitch in his groin as he watched her."

How about?

As he watched the maid, his cock grew pleasurably along the weave of his breeches.

Consistency - Paragrph 13 - You refer to her blouse and then call it a shirt. It's a blouse. If you need another descriptor, use what it's made of, how it's made, the material, the condition of the blouse...

She moaned as he caressed them bending over and suckling them through her shirt.

How about?

...through the soft, wrinkled cotton. ...through the perfumed bodice. ...through sweet sweat of her hand-woven top.

Words that get in the way - Often in our attempts to be descriptive, we can easily get in our own way. Your sentence (Paragraph 14):

"Her curves were full though and very womanly."

It seems as though this may have been written like this at first and then had the "and very womanly" added.

Her curves were full though. The though being in resonse to your observation that she looked more nymphlike than human in the previous sentence.

How much more clean this reads if "though" and "very" are left out.

"Her curves were full and womanly."

Still works very well as a response to the nymph observation.

Descriptor Placement - Also in Paragraph 14, the sentence:

"He rubbed his cock through his leggings absently as she neared."

Now, absently refers to his state of mind and yet it is placed in the sentence about as far from "He" as possible. Why not...

"Absently, he rubbed his cock...

Take your time - Okay, the whole purpose of the first 15 or so paragraphs was to set the stage and then he penetrates her ass in two sentences. TWO SENTENCES!

This should have been built up. Her first time. She would have to be really worked up. Why isn't she the least bit hesitant? That would have played into raisig the stakes for the two of them. Sure, she trust him, but even for something like this? Doesn't she have any feelings about getting her bottom burst? Hasn't she heard from girlfriends how it hurts? Then he has to get her to overcome her fears with his seductive power.

Get real - Okay, yes, we're dealing with fantasy here and a fantasy setting, but a ten inch penis? I don't care what kind of sexual hero this guy is (in fact, we don't know much about him at all), but try to keep the sexaul parts realistic. The best way to do this is to imply size, if you want him big, don't get technical.

"He pushed the tenth and final inch into her and Meg felt an itch begin in her cunt."

That is not a very sensuous description. Why? "Tenth inch", "itch", "cunt."

So, what is happening here? He is finally getting all the way inside and she begins to tiptoe her way to orgasm. An important moment for your story and yet, you've stated it so plainly. Remember how well you were descibing things in the opening paragraph? How carefully you chose your descriptions, words? You need the same level here.

What to consider to help with this? Symbolism, her passion for him, her consideration for her.

How about?

As she moaned, accepting his full length into her ripe bottom, a growing wave of pressure began to build in her hips.

Now, instead of scratching an itch, she has something to push against or ride.

Character Development - I didn't learn much at all about the characters. What kind of people are they? Good, bad? Do they have likes/dislikes? Do they have quirks? Do they have any commitment to each other? By the end, it seems the elf buttfucker/frat boy just wants to use the virgin maid of the wood to his own sexaul ends. Is that what you want to convey?

Be aware of all the senses - You do well describing imagery and sensation (feeling, touch), but you fell short of scent, hearing and taste.

Plus, when making love, many other things occur that are left out of your descriptions.

Heavy breathing, panting, sweating, how she looks when certain things happen, how he looks (you did this a couple of times, but not always at crucial moments).

Use delay - Delay getting to the punch line. You are setting up your reader to want certain things. Getting naked, first penetration, her response, his response, etc. Do everything you can to put description in the way, delay it as long as you can. Make it a game for yourself to see how long you can keep it away from the reader. In that way, they will enjoy it that much more when it arrives.


Overall: Seems like you need to rewrite and be really, really careful of setting and maintaining a mood. You started out in sensual surroundings getting ready for making love and ended up fucking.

Best of luck.
- Judo

 

[SlidingInSilk]

Thanks Judo! I really appreciate you taking all that time to go through it. I am going through the ones I am writing now and looking for these things.