Evil_Geoff
Equal Opportunity Sadist
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,375
This was originally posted in the BDSM_Friends Yahoo Group, Friday, August 4th, 2000. I'm posting it here because I get the feeling someone here needs to see it. I'm not proud of what I did. But there was a painful lesson learned. And if sharing my lesson tonight eases someone else's burden, then it's a good thing, isn't it?
This story is from a time in my life when I was using the scene/screen name LordHamiltonZ, before my children were adults and I was able to be out about my lifestyle. We were long-distance, using OL to be together when we could not be together face to face. a couple of names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved...
I'm not sure I'm ready to put this one out there. Hate to tarnish My
image as The Perfect Dom... *dodges the incoming popcorn and
supersoakers from fiesty, tracie, and the rest..* Cut that out or I
won't tell My story... *takes a deep breath*
I was a new Dominant.. full of piss and vinegar and chomping at the
bit. I was the Master of heyokah{HZ}.. and had just recently
collared kalise{LHZ}. I had never been in a poly relationship
before, always monogamous. But kah and kalise both wanted this
relationship to work. And to do that I had to open My heart to the
possibility of loving more than one partner. This was not a mistake,
because I still love them both dearly and they Me, and each other.
But it did lead to a very grave error on My part...
Tearing down the walls of monogamy on My part left Me rather wide
open for all sorts of wild ass fantasies to run rampant... I knew how
well thought of I was in the Community. I had several submissive
friends who were quite accurately called "groupies"... visions of a
harem filled My mind.. particularly since I had been hanging out with
a lot of Goreans (kah was originally __kajira__ after all and was
Gorean.. I wanted to learn about Gor to be a better Master for her).
I wandered into an IRC channel one night and met a submissive who I
will refer to, for this story, as The Delusional One, or TDO. You'll
understand why in a bit. It was a sceneing channel, and TDO was
being played with by someone who was inept, at best. It was clear
that she was not having a good time.. anyway, the boot monster
gobbled up MasterInept.. and I volunteered to finish the scene with
her.. she agreed... big mistake. She latched on to Me like I was
the Second Coming.
My usual barriers to the advances of others were down.. and TDO
seemed to know all the buttons to push with Me... she needed help,
she had had a hard, bitter past.. had lost a child.. bad partners..
people who had beaten her unconscious.. who used her..
God.. she played Me like Satchmo played a trumpet, or Eddie Van Halen
played a guitar (for you younger folks). It hit the White Knight in Me like
a train. And I fell for it.. hook, line and sinker. Inspite of My
protests to the contrary, I was becoming emotionally involved with
TDO. Normally, I can spot someone bullshitting Me. After 12 years
(at that time) as cop, you get pretty good at it. Not her. I didn't
get quiver one on the bullshit meter.
A couple of others tried to warn Me. I didn't listen. Nothing that
she told Me about her background or partners, as far as I can
determine, is true. She sent Me a photo of a tall, thin woman,
claiming it was her pic. I know someone who met her f2f, and three
of the women in the photo _might_ weigh what TDO does... But TDO
_believes_ the lies, believes the delusions... that's why I couldn't
pick her up on the internal bullshit meter. From _her_ standpoint
she IS telling the truth.
Anyway, TDO knew I was in a poly relationship, had others collared.
All the while I was being set up. I was trying to figure out how to
bring a third girl in. she was planning on how to cut the other two
out.
TDO set the stage for Me well. She PM'd Me hollering that she was
being harrassed by someone... Off I go to save the day... she calls
in kalise and as soon as kalise pops in channel... TDO throws out a
pop up like she and I have been cybering... And I'm screwed. kalise
leaves then and there. Removes her collar, doesn't want Me to call,
won't talk to Me OL etc... kah, in solidarity with her sis, also
removed her collar... And I was left with ashes because I realized
exactly what TDO did to Me and that I had gone along with it. she
stroked My ego and pumped me up, and suckered Me in and I trotted
happily along the path she led.
I was devastated with the realization of what I had done. Ego and
pride and vanity... all had led Me away from the ones who loved Me. I
betrayed the trust they had given Me, I failed them.
But My biggest mistake was followed by recovery. I admitted My
involvement and accepted the responsibility for My actions to kah and
kalise both. TDO could never have done what she did to Me if I had
not gone along with it. I was suckered because I wanted to be
suckered. Because I didn't make excuses or lie, we were able to
begin work on healing. It has been a long time coming... I don't
know if it will ever be repaired.
You see, heyokah is still around, but she no longer wears My collar.
And kalise... well kalise became xxxxx'.. and though I recollared her
as xxxxx{LHZ}... we hit a land mine... a trust issue that stems all the
way back to this incident. And as I posted here not so long ago,
xxxxx` has removed her collar.
We are still talking though. And still working through these things.
I am a patient man, and I love her dearly. She is coming to see Me
soon. Not to accept My collar, not as a submissive coming to her
Master, but as a woman who loves a man, who wants to make things
right. I don't know if we can ever get things right again though.
Only time will tell.
If I can give you one piece of advice from all of this mess, it's
this:
If you are considering going behind the back of your current partner
ask yourself these questions.
1) - is who you are chasing after worth losing who you have?
2) - are you ready to lose them?
3) - if so, are you man or woman enough to be honest with them?
4) - are you ready to face yourself after you go behind your partners
back?
It's a bitter, bitter pill to live with people, when you break
someone's trust like that. If you can do that and not lose sleep
over it.. not regret it every waking moment afterwords... I just hope
you get what you deserve, the same in return.
When we started healing, when we started trying to work through this,
I made a vow to Myself and to her. That there will never be another.
It is a vow I will not break. But she may always have a doubt. And I
have to live with the knowledge I put that doubt there Myself.
*swallows and looks down, throat tight, wiping a tear away*
I ... I don't know why I wrote this tonight. But I needed to. Maybe
it's because someone is on the verge of making the same mistake or a
similar one. I don't know. But there it is. My biggest mistake.
Two years past and I am still living with the results. And I will
live with them till My dying day. I'm not MasterPerfect, I've never
pretended to be. I'm just a weak, fallible man, like any other. I
pray that none of you have to go through this as I have. I remain,
Yours In Humbled Kink,
- Geoff
LordHamiltonZ
Things did not work out. We had to let go and walk our own paths. I'm with janey and I love her dearly. But we all can make mistakes.
Even me.
This story is from a time in my life when I was using the scene/screen name LordHamiltonZ, before my children were adults and I was able to be out about my lifestyle. We were long-distance, using OL to be together when we could not be together face to face. a couple of names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved...
I'm not sure I'm ready to put this one out there. Hate to tarnish My
image as The Perfect Dom... *dodges the incoming popcorn and
supersoakers from fiesty, tracie, and the rest..* Cut that out or I
won't tell My story... *takes a deep breath*
I was a new Dominant.. full of piss and vinegar and chomping at the
bit. I was the Master of heyokah{HZ}.. and had just recently
collared kalise{LHZ}. I had never been in a poly relationship
before, always monogamous. But kah and kalise both wanted this
relationship to work. And to do that I had to open My heart to the
possibility of loving more than one partner. This was not a mistake,
because I still love them both dearly and they Me, and each other.
But it did lead to a very grave error on My part...
Tearing down the walls of monogamy on My part left Me rather wide
open for all sorts of wild ass fantasies to run rampant... I knew how
well thought of I was in the Community. I had several submissive
friends who were quite accurately called "groupies"... visions of a
harem filled My mind.. particularly since I had been hanging out with
a lot of Goreans (kah was originally __kajira__ after all and was
Gorean.. I wanted to learn about Gor to be a better Master for her).
I wandered into an IRC channel one night and met a submissive who I
will refer to, for this story, as The Delusional One, or TDO. You'll
understand why in a bit. It was a sceneing channel, and TDO was
being played with by someone who was inept, at best. It was clear
that she was not having a good time.. anyway, the boot monster
gobbled up MasterInept.. and I volunteered to finish the scene with
her.. she agreed... big mistake. She latched on to Me like I was
the Second Coming.
My usual barriers to the advances of others were down.. and TDO
seemed to know all the buttons to push with Me... she needed help,
she had had a hard, bitter past.. had lost a child.. bad partners..
people who had beaten her unconscious.. who used her..
God.. she played Me like Satchmo played a trumpet, or Eddie Van Halen
played a guitar (for you younger folks). It hit the White Knight in Me like
a train. And I fell for it.. hook, line and sinker. Inspite of My
protests to the contrary, I was becoming emotionally involved with
TDO. Normally, I can spot someone bullshitting Me. After 12 years
(at that time) as cop, you get pretty good at it. Not her. I didn't
get quiver one on the bullshit meter.
A couple of others tried to warn Me. I didn't listen. Nothing that
she told Me about her background or partners, as far as I can
determine, is true. She sent Me a photo of a tall, thin woman,
claiming it was her pic. I know someone who met her f2f, and three
of the women in the photo _might_ weigh what TDO does... But TDO
_believes_ the lies, believes the delusions... that's why I couldn't
pick her up on the internal bullshit meter. From _her_ standpoint
she IS telling the truth.
Anyway, TDO knew I was in a poly relationship, had others collared.
All the while I was being set up. I was trying to figure out how to
bring a third girl in. she was planning on how to cut the other two
out.
TDO set the stage for Me well. She PM'd Me hollering that she was
being harrassed by someone... Off I go to save the day... she calls
in kalise and as soon as kalise pops in channel... TDO throws out a
pop up like she and I have been cybering... And I'm screwed. kalise
leaves then and there. Removes her collar, doesn't want Me to call,
won't talk to Me OL etc... kah, in solidarity with her sis, also
removed her collar... And I was left with ashes because I realized
exactly what TDO did to Me and that I had gone along with it. she
stroked My ego and pumped me up, and suckered Me in and I trotted
happily along the path she led.
I was devastated with the realization of what I had done. Ego and
pride and vanity... all had led Me away from the ones who loved Me. I
betrayed the trust they had given Me, I failed them.
But My biggest mistake was followed by recovery. I admitted My
involvement and accepted the responsibility for My actions to kah and
kalise both. TDO could never have done what she did to Me if I had
not gone along with it. I was suckered because I wanted to be
suckered. Because I didn't make excuses or lie, we were able to
begin work on healing. It has been a long time coming... I don't
know if it will ever be repaired.
You see, heyokah is still around, but she no longer wears My collar.
And kalise... well kalise became xxxxx'.. and though I recollared her
as xxxxx{LHZ}... we hit a land mine... a trust issue that stems all the
way back to this incident. And as I posted here not so long ago,
xxxxx` has removed her collar.
We are still talking though. And still working through these things.
I am a patient man, and I love her dearly. She is coming to see Me
soon. Not to accept My collar, not as a submissive coming to her
Master, but as a woman who loves a man, who wants to make things
right. I don't know if we can ever get things right again though.
Only time will tell.
If I can give you one piece of advice from all of this mess, it's
this:
If you are considering going behind the back of your current partner
ask yourself these questions.
1) - is who you are chasing after worth losing who you have?
2) - are you ready to lose them?
3) - if so, are you man or woman enough to be honest with them?
4) - are you ready to face yourself after you go behind your partners
back?
It's a bitter, bitter pill to live with people, when you break
someone's trust like that. If you can do that and not lose sleep
over it.. not regret it every waking moment afterwords... I just hope
you get what you deserve, the same in return.
When we started healing, when we started trying to work through this,
I made a vow to Myself and to her. That there will never be another.
It is a vow I will not break. But she may always have a doubt. And I
have to live with the knowledge I put that doubt there Myself.
*swallows and looks down, throat tight, wiping a tear away*
I ... I don't know why I wrote this tonight. But I needed to. Maybe
it's because someone is on the verge of making the same mistake or a
similar one. I don't know. But there it is. My biggest mistake.
Two years past and I am still living with the results. And I will
live with them till My dying day. I'm not MasterPerfect, I've never
pretended to be. I'm just a weak, fallible man, like any other. I
pray that none of you have to go through this as I have. I remain,
Yours In Humbled Kink,
- Geoff
LordHamiltonZ
Things did not work out. We had to let go and walk our own paths. I'm with janey and I love her dearly. But we all can make mistakes.
Even me.
There aren't enough people in this world who can face up to the mistakes they have made. You really are an amazing man.
