Can someone please explain to me..
- Thread starter witcha
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rosco rathbone
1. f3e5 2. g4??
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It is just as bad to be eternally paranoid. The best combination I think is "eternally optimistic" and "quick-healing".
TaintedB
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Perhaps because you decide to trust them too soon?
You know the old saying, "actions speak louder than words?" You have to apply that to relationships, especially those that start out on a computer or over a phone, i.e., as "words only" relationships. The only way I know of to find out if someone is really trustworthy or not is to wait and see how they actually respond in adverse circumstances (as opposed to believing how they say they will respond), when everything isn't great and wonderful and special and new. See how they react when the first big problem comes up between you, or even when you bring up something that doesn't concern the other person, but that is really stressing or hurting you.
It takes time for circumstances to come up in which you can observe how a person under pressure performs. If at all possible, until that time comes, try not to get too emotionally attached to them. (I know, that is an ideal that is not usually attainable--usually it's hard not to get attached to someone long before you find out they are trustworthy, so if you find yourself in that situation, just try as hard as you can to reserve a little bit of yourself, hold some feelings back and not let them get too strong). Also, remember that a lot of otherwise flakes can perform well when the first crisis in a relationship comes along. But after that one is passed, they tend to get lazy or impatient when additional problems rear their heads. So try to reserve your judgement about their ability to deal with difficulties until you can see if it is a consistent part of their personality and not just a one-time performance.
And sure, this advice applies equally to women, too, as well as to people you are not romantically interested in but in whom you see a potential for close friendship with. Watch and wait.
edit: I forgot something. There's another side to this trust business. It's you and your expectations, which may not be realistic. When I meet someone I feel a strong initial liking for, I tend to imagine they have all sorts of positive qualities, things I want them to have. I believe the technical term for this is "projection." I think a lot of people do this, initially, especially when they crush on an individual. Then what happens is that even though that person hasn't said they are the way you imagine or expect them to be, you still decide that they must be that way, must be Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, and so you are bitterly disappointed when they turn out not only to be just human but a rather weak human at that. We submissives are very predisposed to doing this to men whom they think are dominant, because of our desire to worship a hero, lol. We want the dominant we've just met to be perfect. It is so easy to fool yourself in this regard. Seen it so many times, in myself and in other submissives. That's your infatuation speaking.
What do you do about it? Give it time to die down before you decide that this person you've just met is is absolutely wonderful. To paraphrase Rosco, when you meet new people, "hope for the best but expect the worst." In addition, try to question the assumptions you're making about the other's personality. I know, this is hard to do because you are making these assumptions unconsciously. But if you watch your new friend closely and actually _listen_ to what he says about himself or you or the relationship (and not twist it into something sweet and good that fits your infatuation), you can slowly get rid of the projections.
Here's an example: if someone tells you very early on in a relationship that he is not monogamous or at least, that he doesn't feel that way toward you, believe it, absolutely, 100 percent, as hard as it may be to accept it. Don't imagine that over time he'll grow over time to love you so much that he'll change his mind about wanting to fuck other women or have romances with them. Chances are he won't.
Next step: be honest with yourself and how you feel about these unpleasant revelations. It might be really tempting to believe that you can "live with" this person having other relationships because you see him as so wonderful and you don't want to abandon this sexy fun new relationship. But if you are the jealous type--and most people are, it is nothing to be ashamed of--then you are only setting yourself up for major misery if you delude yourself that his seeing other women is Ok with you.
If somebody tells you over and over again from day one that he is not a one-woman man (or anything else that might really bother you) and you choose to disregard that and/or disregard your actual ability to live with that fact, than try, at least, to place the blame squarely on your own shoulders when the relationship eventually blows up. Usually submissives have the opposite problem: we blame ourselves when relationships don't work right even if it is clearly not at all our fault. But in this one case, where you ignore the truths that someone is telling you about themselves in preference for a happy fantasy, only you are to blame and perhaps if you see this, the next time someone tells you an unpleasant truth about themselves you will be more inclined to take it seriously and think about the eventual consequences for you and whether you can live with them.
You know the old saying, "actions speak louder than words?" You have to apply that to relationships, especially those that start out on a computer or over a phone, i.e., as "words only" relationships. The only way I know of to find out if someone is really trustworthy or not is to wait and see how they actually respond in adverse circumstances (as opposed to believing how they say they will respond), when everything isn't great and wonderful and special and new. See how they react when the first big problem comes up between you, or even when you bring up something that doesn't concern the other person, but that is really stressing or hurting you.
It takes time for circumstances to come up in which you can observe how a person under pressure performs. If at all possible, until that time comes, try not to get too emotionally attached to them. (I know, that is an ideal that is not usually attainable--usually it's hard not to get attached to someone long before you find out they are trustworthy, so if you find yourself in that situation, just try as hard as you can to reserve a little bit of yourself, hold some feelings back and not let them get too strong). Also, remember that a lot of otherwise flakes can perform well when the first crisis in a relationship comes along. But after that one is passed, they tend to get lazy or impatient when additional problems rear their heads. So try to reserve your judgement about their ability to deal with difficulties until you can see if it is a consistent part of their personality and not just a one-time performance.
And sure, this advice applies equally to women, too, as well as to people you are not romantically interested in but in whom you see a potential for close friendship with. Watch and wait.
edit: I forgot something. There's another side to this trust business. It's you and your expectations, which may not be realistic. When I meet someone I feel a strong initial liking for, I tend to imagine they have all sorts of positive qualities, things I want them to have. I believe the technical term for this is "projection." I think a lot of people do this, initially, especially when they crush on an individual. Then what happens is that even though that person hasn't said they are the way you imagine or expect them to be, you still decide that they must be that way, must be Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, and so you are bitterly disappointed when they turn out not only to be just human but a rather weak human at that. We submissives are very predisposed to doing this to men whom they think are dominant, because of our desire to worship a hero, lol. We want the dominant we've just met to be perfect. It is so easy to fool yourself in this regard. Seen it so many times, in myself and in other submissives. That's your infatuation speaking.
What do you do about it? Give it time to die down before you decide that this person you've just met is is absolutely wonderful. To paraphrase Rosco, when you meet new people, "hope for the best but expect the worst." In addition, try to question the assumptions you're making about the other's personality. I know, this is hard to do because you are making these assumptions unconsciously. But if you watch your new friend closely and actually _listen_ to what he says about himself or you or the relationship (and not twist it into something sweet and good that fits your infatuation), you can slowly get rid of the projections.
Here's an example: if someone tells you very early on in a relationship that he is not monogamous or at least, that he doesn't feel that way toward you, believe it, absolutely, 100 percent, as hard as it may be to accept it. Don't imagine that over time he'll grow over time to love you so much that he'll change his mind about wanting to fuck other women or have romances with them. Chances are he won't.
Next step: be honest with yourself and how you feel about these unpleasant revelations. It might be really tempting to believe that you can "live with" this person having other relationships because you see him as so wonderful and you don't want to abandon this sexy fun new relationship. But if you are the jealous type--and most people are, it is nothing to be ashamed of--then you are only setting yourself up for major misery if you delude yourself that his seeing other women is Ok with you.
If somebody tells you over and over again from day one that he is not a one-woman man (or anything else that might really bother you) and you choose to disregard that and/or disregard your actual ability to live with that fact, than try, at least, to place the blame squarely on your own shoulders when the relationship eventually blows up. Usually submissives have the opposite problem: we blame ourselves when relationships don't work right even if it is clearly not at all our fault. But in this one case, where you ignore the truths that someone is telling you about themselves in preference for a happy fantasy, only you are to blame and perhaps if you see this, the next time someone tells you an unpleasant truth about themselves you will be more inclined to take it seriously and think about the eventual consequences for you and whether you can live with them.
Last edited:
witcha
Playing with fire...
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Thanx..very good advice TaintedB
I usually 'test' guys before I let them even a lil closer(and in this case it's just friendshippy thingy)..I know that once O think someone is nice I should wait some more to check it..blame impatient part of me for not doing so..
Guess will just have to forget bout this person and that's it( even tho I wished we could work things out somehow)
witcha
I usually 'test' guys before I let them even a lil closer(and in this case it's just friendshippy thingy)..I know that once O think someone is nice I should wait some more to check it..blame impatient part of me for not doing so..
Guess will just have to forget bout this person and that's it( even tho I wished we could work things out somehow)
witcha
TaintedB
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Hi Witcha,
I just added a bunch more to my response. I guess I'm in a talkative mood this Sunday.
Careful with the tests--they can backfire on you! A lot of people are slick enough that they know how to pass tests by responding providing false information that causes the test to turn out in their favor, and that goes for tests of the heart as well as the ones on paper. If you have to test someone, try to be very honest and make sure the test is about something real, such as an actual situation going on in your life that this person will have to deal with eventually if they want a good relationship with you.
Good luck to you. Sorry to hear about your bad relationship, but as I'm sure you know, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
You may not care about those other fish right at this moment (I sure wouldn't) but they will be there when you are ready for them. Taint
catalina_francisco
Happily insatiable always
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From a counselling point of view there is a reason why we choose the same type person repeatedly, even when they may appear to be vastly different from that type but end up just being a wolf in another colour sheep's clothing. The short answer is you can self analyse perhaps and look back to where it began to maybe get a clue as to why; or look at similarities these people may have to someone significant in your life history (often a parent or role figure); or can be linked to an event in your life where through choosing the type person you do, the circumstances are played out again and again, often in a subconscious attempt to change the original outcome. Unlocking the behaviour is linked to finding the key which opens the door onto why you do this. Sounds complicated, but is often staring you in the face but is difficult to see from your close perspective and without being able to discuss and examine it with the help of someone who is trained to guide you through the discovery process.
Catalina
Catalina
witcha
Playing with fire...
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TaintedB said:
Good luck to you. Sorry to hear about your bad relationship, but as I'm sure you know, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Taint
Lol..my Dom fish is doing just great..I'm ranting bout my fish (ex) male friend
Catalina-that is very true indeed...in the past no matter what I did I ended up with the same worthless type of men(as my SOs and as friends). Hopefully won't make this kind of mistake as I'm fairly certain S( Dom fish..lol) is different and ye actually picked me..not the other way round
Again thanx for great pieces of advice from all people here
witcha
