Can someone do something with this story?

Right idea, wrong forum, wrong approach.

I think you'll get better results if you try moving your request to the Editor's Forum. Then, instead of posting the entire story in segments, let folks know you're looking for an editor, tell them the kind of story you've written and about how many words it is, and what kind of editing help you're looking for.

If an editor agrees to help, you can send him/her the entire file.
 
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