Can lube reduce friction, pleasure or erection?

[aziegmann]

A few days ago, my wife and I were in a hotel room we’d booked for a night of sex. During foreplay, I tried to get her to open up and tell me something kinky she had in mind, maybe something she’d read in Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever. But all she said was, “Just let it flow. It’ll come naturally.” I’ve gotta admit, that made me frustrated.

I suggested she try using the toy I’d bought her months ago (which she still hadn’t used) while she got ready with sexy lingerie and makeup and I stepped out for a bit. No luck for me — she said no again and told me the toy was just for her solo moments.

When we finally had sex, I started feeling tired (we hadn’t slept much the night before), lost focus, and had to take a short break. Part of it was the lube — I know it’s necessary sometimes, but honestly, I hate to use it. Depending on how much we apply on each other, everything gets too much slippery for me, and I lose that friction sensation I like. It takes me way longer to cum, and this time I even lost my erection for one or two minutes.

It got kind of awkward because I tried explaining how lube affects me — that less stimulating feeling. Later, we went for round two, which was great, but right before she asked me a few questions:

“Do you feel horny with another women?” — I said no.
“Are you horny right now?” — I said yes.
“Would you want a third person involved?” — I said no, since that honestly hadn’t even crossed my mind.

That last question stuck with me, though. I remembered her mentioning months ago that she’d been curious about women, so I asked if that’s what she meant. She brushed it off and flipped it back at me: “Do you want to include someone else? Another woman? Would that be interesting? I don’t.”

I wasn’t sure how to read her reaction — like, would it be interesting for her or for us? So I just said it wasn’t something I’d been thinking about. But truth is, I got really turned on in that moment. Then we had our second round — super hot — and I made sure to use way less lube that time.

So here’s what I’m wondering: can using too much lube — especially when applied to penis and vagina — really kill the friction, mess with the timing, and even cause erection lost?

I’m not sure, but I think part of it is that our sex has been pretty vanilla lately. It’s always good and hot, but still kind of the same routine (foreplay, oral and penetration). I definitely want more than that — I’m just not sure how to bring it up without making her uncomfortable.

 

[SCRob95060]

I’m not sure about erection loss, but the first time I used lube I lasted a lot longer, she came three times, it was fantastic!

The first time my anus was lubed up and I had a real cock in my ass he lasted maybe too long as I had came five minutes before he did. I would have preferred him to cum soon after I did. Not that I am complaining, it was great just a bit much.

 

[StrongMaster7]

Women are all different. Some women NEED lube. Full stop.

Yes, lube changes the feeling of sex.

My wife and begin our sex with 69, her on top. She comes every time. And I am rock hard and ready to fuck her as soon as she can handle it. It works for us.

 

[TellusMoon]

Too much lube will reduce the friction and therefore the pleasure, for both. We need friction on right amount, not too much not too little. Same applies for lube.
If you put to much just clean off your cock with some cloth and keep going.

But I would sau that there are bigger issues on your relationship. She is disctant to you (doesnt want to share the toy?) and she clearly wants another person on the bed.

You really need to talk to each other and solve that.

 

[NancyPan]

Too much lube will reduce the friction and therefore the pleasure, for both. We need friction on right amount, not too much not too little. Same applies for lube.
If you put to much just clean off your cock with some cloth and keep going.

Agree

But I would sau that there are bigger issues on your relationship. She is disctant to you (doesnt want to share the toy?) and she clearly wants another person on the bed.

Also agree 100%. When I read your post, I thought, this guy has bigger problems than lube. Why is he asking about lube while telling us about the lack of open, transparent communication in his sex life?

You really need to talk to each other and solve that.

Would probably be a mistake to involve a third person unless or until you are able to have frank, open discussions with each other about fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. Do the homework before you try doing graduate level work.

 

[Not Normal]

Too much lube will reduce the friction and therefore the pleasure, for both. We need friction on right amount, not too much not too little. Same applies for lube.
If you put to much just clean off your cock with some cloth and keep going.

But I would sau that there are bigger issues on your relationship. She is disctant to you (doesnt want to share the toy?) and she clearly wants another person on the bed.

You really need to talk to each other and solve that.

Agree

Also agree 100%. When I read your post, I thought, this guy has bigger problems than lube. Why is he asking about lube while telling us about the lack of open, transparent communication in his sex life?

Would probably be a mistake to involve a third person unless or until you are able to have frank, open discussions with each other about fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. Do the homework before you try doing graduate level work.

I have to agree with TellUs and Nancy. There are some communication and possibly boundary issues happening. There's nothing wrong with a partner not wanting to use a toy as part of couple activity. But if that is something that turns you on, you need to tell her that. Or maybe discuss what toys she might like to use with you.

The third person discussion is pretty interesting. You expressed to strangers on the internet that it turned you on, but you didn't say that to the person who brought it up as a possibility. That feels like a missed opportunity to me. Not in the "WooHoo I get to fuck another girl" way, but as a way to talk about what you each might be doing if that person were there. Lots of hot fantasy talk as part of foreplay, that can continue during penetrative sex.

Often, using fantasy during sex can be super hot. You both discuss what you want that person to do, or what you want to see your partner do with the third person. That can also be enough, just a safe space to play with fantasy. After sex, possibly long after, you discuss what you each felt in the moment, and where you want those things to live in your life. It hopefully opens lines of communication and hopefully, honesty.

 

[aziegmann]

Women are all different. Some women NEED lube. Full stop.

Yes, lube changes the feeling of sex.

My wife and begin our sex with 69, her on top. She comes every time. And I am rock hard and ready to fuck her as soon as she can handle it. It works for us.

Yes, I know that some women need it, and that’s the case with my wife. I never forget that, but the thing is that for me, it reduces quite a bit of the feeling of friction and tightness because it gets too slippery. And from the replies I’ve read here, they confirmed what I already suspected. In the second round I described, it worked really well, so I’m sure the best approach is to go easy on the amount and use it on just one of us.

 

[OralAllOver]

A few days ago, my wife and I were in a hotel room we’d booked for a night of sex. During foreplay, I tried to get her to open up and tell me something kinky she had in mind, maybe something she’d read in Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever. But all she said was, “Just let it flow. It’ll come naturally.” I’ve gotta admit, that made me frustrated.

I suggested she try using the toy I’d bought her months ago (which she still hadn’t used) while she got ready with sexy lingerie and makeup and I stepped out for a bit. No luck for me — she said no again and told me the toy was just for her solo moments.

When we finally had sex, I started feeling tired (we hadn’t slept much the night before), lost focus, and had to take a short break. Part of it was the lube — I know it’s necessary sometimes, but honestly, I hate to use it. Depending on how much we apply on each other, everything gets too much slippery for me, and I lose that friction sensation I like. It takes me way longer to cum, and this time I even lost my erection for one or two minutes.

It got kind of awkward because I tried explaining how lube affects me — that less stimulating feeling. Later, we went for round two, which was great, but right before she asked me a few questions:

“Do you feel horny with another women?” — I said no.
“Are you horny right now?” — I said yes.
“Would you want a third person involved?” — I said no, since that honestly hadn’t even crossed my mind.

That last question stuck with me, though. I remembered her mentioning months ago that she’d been curious about women, so I asked if that’s what she meant. She brushed it off and flipped it back at me: “Do you want to include someone else? Another woman? Would that be interesting? I don’t.”

I wasn’t sure how to read her reaction — like, would it be interesting for her or for us? So I just said it wasn’t something I’d been thinking about. But truth is, I got really turned on in that moment. Then we had our second round — super hot — and I made sure to use way less lube that time.

So here’s what I’m wondering: can using too much lube — especially when applied to penis and vagina — really kill the friction, mess with the timing, and even cause erection lost?

I’m not sure, but I think part of it is that our sex has been pretty vanilla lately. It’s always good and hot, but still kind of the same routine (foreplay, oral and penetration). I definitely want more than that — I’m just not sure how to bring it up without making her uncomfortable.

Have you tried sandpaper?

 

[aziegmann]

Too much lube will reduce the friction and therefore the pleasure, for both. We need friction on right amount, not too much not too little. Same applies for lube.
If you put to much just clean off your cock with some cloth and keep going.

Thanks for the tip about the lube. I really will start using less of it, either on her or on myself.

But I would sau that there are bigger issues on your relationship. She is disctant to you (doesnt want to share the toy?) and she clearly wants another person on the bed.

As for our relationship, there isn’t exactly a problem. The sex is great, but I just need to figure out if we’re on the same page, and then, let’s say, align things so that everything works out.

What exactly makes you sure she wants a third person on the bed?

Regarding the toy, she hasn’t used it yet, but that’s more out of shyness than anything else. In fact, she was even surprised that I bought it, even though she was the one who mentioned it before—during sex, on another occasion when I asked what she’d like to try differently. She just said, “Maybe a toy…” and I went with the idea.

My impression is that she teases or hints, but when faced with my enthusiasm about something, she realizes what she said and pulls back. That’s what I’m trying to change.

 

[aziegmann]

Agree

Also agree 100%. When I read your post, I thought, this guy has bigger problems than lube. Why is he asking about lube while telling us about the lack of open, transparent communication in his sex life?

Would probably be a mistake to involve a third person unless or until you are able to have frank, open discussions with each other about fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. Do the homework before you try doing graduate level work.

As I said before, I think we just need to figure out if we’re on the same page, but for that, I know a lot of communication is necessary. I’m trying, but in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable or defensive.

What I need now is to really understand what’s going on in her mind. As for her being interested in women, that’s something she’s mentioned two or three times, but always in a joking tone. The last time, right after sex, she even asked, “Could I be bi?” I told her that only she could find that out, but I made it clear that it wouldn’t be a problem for me. Actually, I think she is bi-curious.

The thing is, when I later brought up what she said, after I momentarily lost my focus because of the lube, she replied that if she said that, it must’ve been because she was “really crazy, out of her mind,” and immediately insisted she didn’t want that.

I know and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t crazy, but I imagine she said that out of fear that I’d get excited about another woman, especially given the bit of tension between us at that moment. Or maybe she was expecting me to just say a simple “yes.”

 

[aziegmann]

I have to agree with TellUs and Nancy. There are some communication and possibly boundary issues happening. There's nothing wrong with a partner not wanting to use a toy as part of couple activity. But if that is something that turns you on, you need to tell her that. Or maybe discuss what toys she might like to use with you.

Yes, I know that. The next step will be to suggest the idea of her feeling several sensations at the same time. She loves foreplay on her tits (sucking, licking or biting) but also loves receiving oral. Since it’s impossible for me to do both at once with my mouth, the toy could take on that role. I’d love to see that.

The third person discussion is pretty interesting. You expressed to strangers on the internet that it turned you on, but you didn't say that to the person who brought it up as a possibility. That feels like a missed opportunity to me. Not in the "WooHoo I get to fuck another girl" way, but as a way to talk about what you each might be doing if that person were there. Lots of hot fantasy talk as part of foreplay, that can continue during penetrative sex..

I didn’t say anything at that moment because my biggest concern was to get my arousal back as quickly as possible and keep going the intercourse. Right then, nothing else mattered. If I had said “yes”, it might have made things worse and led her to start imagining problems. Or maybe she just wanted to hear a “yes” from me, but at that moment, I couldn’t take that risk.

Often, using fantasy during sex can be super hot. You both discuss what you want that person to do, or what you want to see your partner do with the third person. That can also be enough, just a safe space to play with fantasy. After sex, possibly long after, you discuss what you each felt in the moment, and where you want those things to live in your life. It hopefully opens lines of communication and hopefully, honesty.

What you said makes a lot of sense, and I know that, but it’s hard here because even mentioning something like her imagining, for example, her tits being stimulated by more than one mouth or tongue doesn’t arouse her. Even though she brings up that thing about women, she doesn’t really open her mind or express herself beyond a vanilla scenario. I just don’t understand…

 

[Not Normal]

Yes, I know that. The next step will be to suggest the idea of her feeling several sensations at the same time. She loves foreplay on her tits (sucking, licking or biting) but also loves receiving oral. Since it’s impossible for me to do both at once with my mouth, the toy could take on that role. I’d love to see that.



I didn’t say anything at that moment because my biggest concern was to get my arousal back as quickly as possible and keep going the intercourse. Right then, nothing else mattered. If I had said “yes”, it might have made things worse and led her to start imagining problems. Or maybe she just wanted to hear a “yes” from me, but at that moment, I couldn’t take that risk.



What you said makes a lot of sense, and I know that, but it’s hard here because even mentioning something like her imagining, for example, her tits being stimulated by more than one mouth or tongue doesn’t arouse her. Even though she brings up that thing about women, she doesn’t really open her mind or express herself beyond a vanilla scenario. I just don’t understand…

You gotta ask the questions. You also gotta be honest about why you're asking.

 

[LittleGreene]

I think we’ve only ever used lube a handful of times in our marriage, it’s not really been necessary. But when we have used it I’ve hated it. I don’t feel half as much pleaure with it, it’s too slippery, too smooth. My husband says he quite likes the feeling with lube (he said it maybe helped him last longer?)

 

[TellusMoon]

Thanks for the tip about the lube. I really will start using less of it, either on her or on myself.



As for our relationship, there isn’t exactly a problem. The sex is great, but I just need to figure out if we’re on the same page, and then, let’s say, align things so that everything works out.

What exactly makes you sure she wants a third person on the bed?

Regarding the toy, she hasn’t used it yet, but that’s more out of shyness than anything else. In fact, she was even surprised that I bought it, even though she was the one who mentioned it before—during sex, on another occasion when I asked what she’d like to try differently. She just said, “Maybe a toy…” and I went with the idea.

My impression is that she teases or hints, but when faced with my enthusiasm about something, she realizes what she said and pulls back. That’s what I’m trying to change.

Clearly you have a problem of comunication.
From what you have told there seems not to be a real conversation, you don't know what she wants nor needs you are just making suggestions and she giving your short "no's".

If you keep pretending there is no big deal things will just snowball and escalate. You really have to start talking. Its not one time thing and you need to be thoughtfull but at same time assertive. You must raise the issues while you reassure you love her and thats why you need to know.

About the lube, for a start, why there is a need of that?
We use that with toys or post period times when she was extremely dry and harder to get wet.
Has she problems lubricating or you haven't doing foreplay in a way that makes her wet, and I don't want to say the problem relies only on you. Maybe she has other problems going on? Something affecting her mental state, her libido?

Those are the questions you should know the answer.

 

[NancyPan]

As I said before, I think we just need to figure out if we’re on the same page, but for that, I know a lot of communication is necessary. I’m trying, but in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable or defensive.

What I need now is to really understand what’s going on in her mind. As for her being interested in women, that’s something she’s mentioned two or three times, but always in a joking tone. The last time, right after sex, she even asked, “Could I be bi?” I told her that only she could find that out, but I made it clear that it wouldn’t be a problem for me. Actually, I think she is bi-curious.

The thing is, when I later brought up what she said, after I momentarily lost my focus because of the lube, she replied that if she said that, it must’ve been because she was “really crazy, out of her mind,” and immediately insisted she didn’t want that.

I know and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t crazy, but I imagine she said that out of fear that I’d get excited about another woman, especially given the bit of tension between us at that moment. Or maybe she was expecting me to just say a simple “yes.”

Seems like you are getting on a more helpful track — acknowledging that there is more to deal with between the two of you than lube. We have been together a long time, and trust me, our sexual relationship has evolved considerably! Much of this evolution stemmed from frank discussions, not in the bedroom, but in the living room or elsewhere in a planned, agreed-upon, “let’s talk about sex” discussion. Other fantasies were shared in more intimately vulnerable moments when she held my erection in her hand or I knelt in front of her glistening pussy and she told me what she thought about when I worshipped her — but those more intimately vulnerable moments moments followed the out-of-the-bedroom discussions.

Bottom line, though, our friendship with each other, trust, and companionship in other areas had to be strong enough to risk the vulnerability to reveal our secret desires and fantasies. Make sure she feels cherished and safe. Good luck!

 

[aziegmann]

Clearly you have a problem of comunication.
From what you have told there seems not to be a real conversation, you don't know what she wants nor needs you are just making suggestions and she giving your short "no's".

If you keep pretending there is no big deal things will just snowball and escalate. You really have to start talking. Its not one time thing and you need to be thoughtfull but at same time assertive. You must raise the issues while you reassure you love her and thats why you need to know.

I know that. The point is that at times like this, she seems to get a kind of shyness that keeps her from opening up. She brings something up occasionally, but always jokingly, and then when I try to revisit the topic, she gives evasive answers.

Another example is when she’s mentioned a few times some news about celebrities in open relationships, then throws out the question (again, joking about it): “Are we going to have one too?” — but always in that gray area between doubt and certainty.

Ok, ok… I know. We should talk more. It’s not easy when there is some shyness and vulnerability involved, but I’m trying to do my best.

About the lube, for a start, why there is a need of that?
We use that with toys or post period times when she was extremely dry and harder to get wet.
Has she problems lubricating or you haven't doing foreplay in a way that makes her wet, and I don't want to say the problem relies only on you. Maybe she has other problems going on? Something affecting her mental state, her libido?

She needs to use it because her hormones require it now. Foreplay has never been an issue for us, since we take as much time as needed until she’s ready and asks to move to the next step. I think the point is really to reduce the dosage, like I did last time, because it makes me feel uncomfortable in certain moments.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

Some is fine, too much can decrease feeling. Depending what we are using it for.

 

[pntyhseluvr]

By definition lube reduces friction

 

[pntyhseluvr]

I think we’ve only ever used lube a handful of times in our marriage, it’s not really been necessary. But when we have used it I’ve hated it. I don’t feel half as much pleaure with it, it’s too slippery, too smooth. My husband says he quite likes the feeling with lube (he said it maybe helped him last longer?)

Lube is kind of mandatory for anal and post-menopause

 

[aziegmann]

By definition lube reduces friction

It’s not that kind of less friction I’m referring to. I mean, it’s the situation that makes everything too much slippery, with less tightness and less pleasure.