Can I Leave My Hat On....what is your opinion?
- Thread starter justgem
- Start date
JennyOmanHill
trying hard to be mindful
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2001
- Posts
- 11,151
Hi Gem!
Not only is that song (especially with Tom Jones singing it) so good and sexy, I thought your story was well written. I actually felt I was able to see you on the stage (and I've never been to a strip club before), and particularly enjoyed your partner being in the audience!
So, yes.. I liked it; and I did vote! Congrats Gem! See you back in the tub soon.
Not only is that song (especially with Tom Jones singing it) so good and sexy, I thought your story was well written. I actually felt I was able to see you on the stage (and I've never been to a strip club before), and particularly enjoyed your partner being in the audience!
So, yes.. I liked it; and I did vote! Congrats Gem! See you back in the tub soon.
Flamin Nora
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 2
Bravo Jen.....encore ...encore, Brava!!
English-Passion
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2000
- Posts
- 34
Hi justgem,
Excellent first attempt. Well done. I 'saw' the story and appreciated the view. I even voted! You have a good way with description.
However, there has to be some medicine to take with your sugar!
First, I am not convinced by stories that are written in the present tense. As a writer's device it seems unnecessarily clumsy to me. After all, she can't 'do' and 'tell' at the same time, so you immediately introduce a feeling of unreality. It would be so easy to rewrite this story in past tense, and I believe it would be infinitely stronger as a result.
That is the only major flaw.
Two minor niggles that struck me were that you don't describe her emotions clearly after the initial nervousness and that you have a tendency to repeat words. Demi-bra comes to mind!
As this story is about an exhibitionist, I would have loved to feel her excitement at showing off, rather than just being told, out of the blue, that she is wet. When did that start?
Finally, (and this might be the third niggle - so I can't count), I wanted to know why she was up there on stage. What drove her to it? How did she have such a good act? Has she performed before, and if so, why is she so full of self-doubt now?
If this sounds like I am ripping your story apart, I apologise. That is certainly not my intention. The truth is that you write very well, and by thinking about these kind of questions that your readers might well ask, you will become even better.
Please post more.
English-Passion
Oh, by the way, my new story is called 'Flasher Watkins, Chapter One' and can be found at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30364
- am I shameless? You bet!
Excellent first attempt. Well done. I 'saw' the story and appreciated the view. I even voted! You have a good way with description.
However, there has to be some medicine to take with your sugar!
First, I am not convinced by stories that are written in the present tense. As a writer's device it seems unnecessarily clumsy to me. After all, she can't 'do' and 'tell' at the same time, so you immediately introduce a feeling of unreality. It would be so easy to rewrite this story in past tense, and I believe it would be infinitely stronger as a result.
That is the only major flaw.
Two minor niggles that struck me were that you don't describe her emotions clearly after the initial nervousness and that you have a tendency to repeat words. Demi-bra comes to mind!
As this story is about an exhibitionist, I would have loved to feel her excitement at showing off, rather than just being told, out of the blue, that she is wet. When did that start?
Finally, (and this might be the third niggle - so I can't count), I wanted to know why she was up there on stage. What drove her to it? How did she have such a good act? Has she performed before, and if so, why is she so full of self-doubt now?
If this sounds like I am ripping your story apart, I apologise. That is certainly not my intention. The truth is that you write very well, and by thinking about these kind of questions that your readers might well ask, you will become even better.
Please post more.
English-Passion
Oh, by the way, my new story is called 'Flasher Watkins, Chapter One' and can be found at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30364
- am I shameless? You bet!
Flamin Nora
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2001
- Posts
- 2
I agree with all of E.P's criticism, constructive and helpful to new writers such as Gen and I. I rated it purely on my own enjoyment so I not only had a good time reading her story but have learnt something about my own (still secret) writing from E.P.'s thread. As you can all probably tellI am painfully new to all this but having tremendous fun.
English-Passion
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2000
- Posts
- 34
And fun is what it is all about FP.
Keep reading, keep writing and keep on enjoying it. Then you'll become a real writer and the urge to create will take over your life!
Thankfully, I'm still at the having fun stage. wink
English-Passion
Keep reading, keep writing and keep on enjoying it. Then you'll become a real writer and the urge to create will take over your life!
Thankfully, I'm still at the having fun stage. wink
English-Passion
G
Guest
Guest
EP ty for your suggestions....they will be very useful... and were much appreciated. I can see where u r speaking of the vagueness....she (i) am there for the enjoyment and at the request of her (my) lover....who she (i) have danced for in private.....that was not clear enough.
I will contemplate your valued and constructive critisim on my next effort....ty again.
gem
I will contemplate your valued and constructive critisim on my next effort....ty again.
gem
Encore!
Oh so yummy. I like it so much, I'm glad I asked what you were campaigning for in chat last week. I though it would be something boring like so many other, but it got my attention from the start. Tasteful in the naughty style of Fosse choreography, tempting like the best exotic dancers I have seen, and truthful about the challenge like the shy Salvadoran I got to know last year who had only just started dancing and was saving for school. It even inspires me to write my experience from the audience...
*****
Oh so yummy. I like it so much, I'm glad I asked what you were campaigning for in chat last week. I though it would be something boring like so many other, but it got my attention from the start. Tasteful in the naughty style of Fosse choreography, tempting like the best exotic dancers I have seen, and truthful about the challenge like the shy Salvadoran I got to know last year who had only just started dancing and was saving for school. It even inspires me to write my experience from the audience...
*****
