Can i get a quick proof read?

Surt

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Jan 7, 2009
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Hmmm Hmmm, oh that Humble Pie tastes great. As you know i am an asshole and and idiot, an asshole and idiot who got his first story posted on Literotica. Im sorry for all the BS i caused last time, i was wrong, you were all right.

Now i done another and it is alot better and yes it has been spell checked over and over with lots and lots of changes, now the people at Literotica have rejected it AGAIN, and for the life of me i can't see a single reason why. If someone finds the errors, spelling errors not plot holes, I will greatly appricate it.



The mother in this story is Rachel Ray, so load up on pictures of her and imagine her in the role of the mother, Enjoy. Everyone is over eighteen

It all started when I noticed that my mom was coming in late from after work. Not the usual nine in the night finishes I been used to since I was a kid, but she came home at five in the morning on some occasions. She told me it was due to the new job she got, the waitressing didn’t pay enough so she got a job as an office administrator; well that’s what she said anyway.

Dad’s been between jobs for months now so I thought that must be the reason why she’s been working so late, but something didn’t feel right. I asked advice from my one of my closest friends and this is what he had to say, “You know what she could be up too? An affair dude, she is so seeing someone else.”

“An affair!” I said with a confused tone, “No way man, come on really?”

“Well I do have a foolproof way of knowing” He replied, “I saw it on TV last night, all you got to do is steal her GPS! Then you look at where she’s been the last couple days, print it and pick the location she goes to every night.”

After taking his advice I printed the GPS and stayed in my room all day plotting my routine. After she had left for work, I told my dad I was going to a buddies place to study all night and snuck out to find out what she was doing once and for all.

After using the night bus, I found the spot I was looking for; it was an old dirty warehouse. I had to wonder what kind of business went on here, I didn’t have too much time to think, I had to act quickly. I looked around the entrance and saw a group of workmen in jeans, shirts and baseball caps, I summarised that this must have been their uniforms. After the doorman let them all in, I took my jacket off and put on a spare cap left behind by one of the workmen. I calmed my nerves and walked by the doorman and into the warehouse. What I saw was the exact opposite of what I was expecting.

First person to walk by me was a fully naked woman, blond with fake tits and firm ass. That was no office worker. Then I looked around at the workmen, they were not the workmen I thought they were, they were teamsters setting up cameras and lighting rigs. In a couple seconds I was able to figure out that this was a porn set.

Then my greatest fear had struck me, what was my mom doing on a porn set? I put my cap on tight so no one would know who I was and looked around, no mom anywhere in sight. Then I heard a man say, “Ruby baby! How are you?” I looked around and there in my utter shock and horror was my mom in a lacy black bra and thong.

The man gave her a kiss right on the lips! Then he playfully kissed and nibbled on her neck and grabbed a good two handfuls of my mom’s ass cheeks. I was so mad at this point that looking back I would have done something if I was not mesmerised by mom in a bra and thong, all dolled in make up and looking really hot, which was a surprise to me because I knew she was hot but it was my mom I had no interest in her, till that point.
My mom then spoke, “I just finished that last photo shoot, so I guess Larry’s up next?”

The man replied, “Oh don’t you look hot tonight, yum” His hands still grabbing her ass tight, “Go get a shower and get ready, come back in ten”

“OK Hun.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek and started to walk off before the man put his hand in the air and said, “Wait right there.” My mom stopped in her tracks. The man got a smug smirk on his face and said, “Walk, slowly.”

My mom then put her hands on her hips, smiled a sexy little smile and walked slowly to her dressing room with her cute butt cheeks bouncing ever so sexually. “That’s what I like!” said the man while the other teamsters looked in delight. The man smiled a huge grin while slapping his hands with delight. I walked quickly to a dark corner to collect my thoughts.

I could not believe what I saw, this was the same woman who did bake sales and made cookies, now she was on a porn set. This was a major shock and a major turn-on. Before I knew it I was rubbing my self through my jeans, I could hardly believe I was stroking to my mom. Right out the corner of my eye I saw that same man who felt up my mom walk right by me and walk into his dressing room.

At this point I was not just turned on, I was also as mad as hell. This man had just felt up my mom, I needed to know more about what was going on. I followed him into his dressing room and said, “Hi I’m the new-” He cut me off and said, “Yeah, yeah whatever, just get me some water.” He had some sort of English accent and medium length black hair; he seemed tanned by the U.S sun.

After I handed him some water he waved me off. I could tell he was busy and from first impressions, a real asshole. Before I walked off I stopped and said, “Hey who is that new woman you got there?” His eyes immediately lit up, he sat up from his chair and started to speak.

“Oh you mean Ruby? Oh god she is the best fucking discovery in my entire life. So fucking hot and hitting forty to. God she is so sexy, I love that cute butt of hers, a real mom ass, yeah. I found her in the mall with those sexy ass mom jeans on. I approached at first saying this was a modelling gig. First time in she was nervous as hell, but she took more and more clothes off and before you know it she was looking to fuck half the talent in the building! My lord is she a horny little fire cracker or what? She fucks like a pro and she’s only been doing this for two months! She is so much better then the lame ass nineteen year old teens look for some cash, this woman here can out-fuck them all and she’s twice their age.”

I could feel the blood rush to my face, I was so angry. But at the same time I wanted to hear what this man had to say. He stopped talking for a sec for a sip of the water and carried on, “She’s going to be a major star I tell you; Ruby Rain’s is her name. I came up with it, feel free to Google it, she going to hit the web big time, every guy will want her as their mom. Oh me? I’m Joh-Joh; it has two H’s at the end. Hey you want to see her next porn scene? Go give this script to the guy next door. All the other teamsters are scared of him, the guy’s a manic but that’s why he’s a star. You may know him as Larry Bucko”

Larry Bucko was a porn star known for going nuts after climaxing; his nickname was the Raging Climax. I really hoped this guy would not be fucking my mom. I heard stories of how he goes so rough on some girls that the directors would have to have a medic always ready. I went over and handed him the script. He was wearing just blue jeans and boots, he had short blond hair, was ripped to shreds at 230 pounds and standing at about 6’3. He had an intimidating presence; I was not just scared for myself but my mom too.

“Stop that shaking over there, I ain’t looking to fuck you.” He spoke with a southern drawl; he was also chuckling to himself. He looked over his script and said, “Ah I got Ruby, I love that sweet little thing.” He started to open up and a gentle smile spread over his face.

“Now Ruby I like” He said with a grin, “I done her quite a bit of times. I hear she has a teenage son, damn now if she was my mom! Ha what a lucky guy eh. Ok you can go and watch, just don’t get in my way after I’m done. I got anger issues.”

I took my place at the set. I looked around and found the name of the movie; it was Larry Bucko – Mother Fucker. I saw my mom in a blue dress looking over her script, I was amazed at how different and at the same time normal she looked in that role. My hand had already reached my jeans and I was rubbing myself in anticipation for what was about to come. They were doing the old routine of the plumber and the woman who can’t pay her bill.

“And action!” said Joh-Joh. The movie was about to start. Out came Larry with only some jeans on into the set which was made to look like a kitchen.
“What seems to be the problem” he said.
“I can’t fix this little old washing machine, can you please do this favour for me. I have no money so can you fix this machine for me and ill be sure to think of some suitable way to repay you.” She had her finger near her mouth and had a look in her eyes which looked to be begging for a fuck.

Larry motioned to his pants as my mom got on her knees and unzipped his pants to show his massive nine inch penis. She started to touch it and then started sucking it like an old pro. I was stunned and amazed by what was going on, I was so hard that I thought I was going to explode. All conflicted feelings went out the window when I saw her suck on that cock like a porn superstar.

She sucked on that thing for a while, licking and sucking it. She was then told to stand by Larry; she slipped off her dress to show the same bra and thong she had on before. She was in amazing shape for her age, all that Pilates paid off after all. Larry felt up by mom’s toned stomach and then unhooked her bra. He felt up her tits and gave them rough kisses. He then untied her thong to get her fully naked, her tits perky and her ass tight. I didn’t know my mom was so hot, I should have peeked more.

Larry then lifted my mom up on a kitchen counter and shoved his cock way in, she was able to talk it all in and moaned loud. Larry then started to pump her full of cock thrusting back and forward as he she put her nails deep into his back. The two were grunting back and forth, I was enjoying it immensely; she was moaning and squealing like I had never seen before. This was a wholesome American mom giving her all into fucking a porn star; I could still not believe it till that point. She gave some moans and talked dirty as he fucked her, “Fuck me harder!” she said. That was also shocking because the dirtiest word I ever heard from her mouth before that was darn.

Then Larry’s famous roughness started playing a part. He lifted my mom’s left leg onto his shoulder and began to thrust more. She didn’t seem in pain but some of the teamsters winced because they could fully see from their angle what he was doing to her. He then put her into a more painful hold when he grabbed the back of her neck with both his hands and thrust all his might right into her 5’4 frame, shaking the counter like it was going to break at any moment. He didn’t let up, my mom’s tight tites bounced along as Larry fucked harder and harder to the point that even Joh-Joh looked concerned.

“Easy, easy” Joh-Joh whispered to Larry. Larry took that as a sign to wrap it up as he made a few more thrusts till her stepped back and showered her whole body from face to chest in masses of cum. “And cut” Said Joh-Joh. The cum dripped from her mouth to her sexy tight tits down her waxed pussy. Larry gave her a kiss on the cheek, thanked her for the performance and walked off. Larry then showed his raging side when he tossed a teamster right into a catering table, all while still naked.

A female teamster put a robe on my mom and ushered her into her dressing room. I didn’t even notice that I was jacking off with my jeans on, it was an instinctual thing. While I had my hand on my dick, a guy came up to me, looked at me with a slightly annoyed expression and said, “No not here, over there.”

He was pointing to a darkened corner of the warehouse where four middle-aged teamsters were all watching with their hands down their pants. I went up to them ready to shake their hands but quickly withdrew for obvious reason.

“Oh I love Ruby I do.” said one man with a Crises-Cross hat on.
“Best in years.” said another man who had a beard as long his face.
“Hey new guy” said Crises-Cross man, “You know Ruby’s not done for the day, she’s got one movie left to do for a fetish director. But don’t put your hopes up; the guy in the movie failed a physical so it may be off.”
“You go in and check on the director, see if he needs something.” Said the bearded man, “None of us really work her, they just let us watch because we clean the place up for free afterward, plus they don’t like it when we speak to them.”
I thanked them for the tip-off and made my way to meet the fetish director.

The fetish director had his hands in his head as I approached him. He had a goatee and slicked black hair. I went up to say hello but this time I didn’t even get any words out before he said, “You! You’re not a freak!” I didn’t get any words out again before he spoke once more, “You let me check.” In one quick move he pulled my pants down to check out my cock, “You’re clean and look ok, how do you want to fuck Ruby tonight?”

“Yes, Yes I’ll do it for free!” I shouted with out thinking.
“Free? Well fuck you. I was going to give you twenty; this day’s not so bad after all. I’ll give you twenty minutes with her, we got to ship this thing to Estonia tonight.”

Then the most obvious and glaring thought went into my head, my mom was not going to let me fuck her.
“Do you have any sort of mask?” I asked him.
“Mask?” he said, “Of course, no problem.” He tossed me a black gimp mask which had eye holes in it and a zip for my mouth. He led me to the fetish set as I tried to settle my nerves.

A few minutes later I was standing there in a set which just had one camera and a bed. My mom walked in her robe, she took it off and was fully naked. I was too nervous to talk so she said the first words to me, “We got twenty to go? Good because it’s been a long day. Hmm you look nervous, you ok Hun?” All I could do was nod in approval, a little part of me was happy that the porn business had not taken away my mom’s down home charm.

So that I never needed to speak, I pointed at my mask which had a closed zip on it.
“So your gimmick is you don’t speak?” She said, “Ok with me sweetie.” Just then I had second thoughts, I was about to fuck my mom here. Then I took a look at that body and remembered that she may be my mom but she is a sexy piece of ass too, so I was going to fuck her as both.

The director came on set, he told us just to improvise because it was late into the shoot. When the cameras started to roll I was still standing up so my mom took this as a cue to also be standing. First thing I did was put my hands on that amazing ass of hers; oh it was so firm and sexy. I took a lot of long hard feels of that sexy ass. After that I went to touch those tits of hers. So nice and firm, I rubbed her nipples and grabbed those sexy tits. I also felt that solid stomach of hers, and slid down to feel some pussy too.

I then bent her over and spanked her hard on the ass; I did it a couple times till I remembered that my mom did the same to me when I was a kid, so as a way of vengeance, I spread her on my knees as she did me and spanked her ass hard.
Every slap got a moan, a staged porn moan but a moan. I then thought back to all the bad things she did to me and mumbled them each time I spanked her tasty ass, “This was for grounding me! This was for making me eat my vegetables! This is for the socks at Christmas!” I mumbled quietly so that she could not hear me.

I then tossed her to the bed and got ready to shove my cock right into her pussy before I hesitated. I looked at her and remember that this was my mom, but then when I saw that inviting pussy and killer tits, all my morals went right out the window.

I shoved my cock right in her and got a welcoming moan from my mom. I made small quick thrusts and got near her face to see her reaction. I looked right at her smiling orgasmic face; she looked to be in heaven at that point and so was I. “You’re doing well” She whispered. The same thing she said to me when I rode my first bike. At the nineteen minute mark the director did the wrap up signal, I had one final surprise for my mom.

I was about to cum when I took my dick out as planned and put it near her face so that she can swallow it. Instead I pulled away at the final moment and the cum went into her hair and all over her face. “And cut” said the director.

“Oh you jerk; you got it in my hair!” She seemed upset; she shoved me off the bed and walked off. Even that could not kill my mood; I was smiling from ear to ear behind my mask. The director came up to me, telling me what a good job I did and that he loved the whole gimmick. He offered me a job as a regular and told me to always wear the mask. Not a better end to a fantastic day

Next Sunday morning, my mom came into the kitchen. She could barely walk and I knew why. I could only smile as she had difficulty sitting down, mostly due to how red and raw I left her ass last night. She then looked at me with a puzzled look and said, “You know Hun, I met someone at work who reminded me a lot of you.”

End
 
There are punctuation issues throughout ... repetitive wording ... etc. I took a few paragraphs and made some changes and corrections to give you an idea what to look for. It still needs work, yes. Good luck.

Just my opinion.



“An affair!” I said with a confused tone. “No way man, come on, really?”

“Well, I do have a foolproof way of knowing,” he replied. “I saw it on TV last night. All you have to do is steal her GPS! Then you look at where she’s been the last couple days, print it and pick the location she goes to every night.”

“Oh don’t you look hot tonight," he replied as he grabbed her ass. “Go take a shower and get ready. Come back in ten minutes.”

“OK hun.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek and started to walk off before the man put his hand in the air. “Wait right there," he said. She stopped in her tracks. The man had a smug look on his face as he continued. “Walk slowly.”

My mom then put her hands on her hips, gave him a sexy little smile and walked slowly to her dressing room with her cute butt cheeks bouncing ever so sexily. “That’s what I like!” said the man as the other teamsters looked on. He had a huge grin on his face while slapping his hands in delight.

I walked quickly to a dark corner to collect my thoughts.
 
Funky punctuation

Ok, as another reply stated, a "quirk" or actually an error in punctuation protocol. I'm guilty. It is easy not to observe or obey this writing protocol. Up at the 2nd paragraph where the guy says ** “An affair!” I said with a confused tone, “No way man, come on really?” **. After "confused tone" there should be a period. You are supposed to pace the whole paragraph slower. Don't ask me why.

You see? After "sentence slower" there should be a period. It is more grammatically acceptable to compose in prose using periods in places instead of commas in those places. You break up your composition with periods so that the reader can catch his or her breath, so to speak. At the risk of using the "should" word, when you probably don't want to hear the word, it helps to read fiction or non-fiction from a library
as opposed to magazines. But Hemingway uses or used run-ons, from time
to time. He took license in writing outside the lines, sometimes, because he was famous and was published(Throwing my hands up). Just slow down your pace with periods. Try alternating short sentences with long sentences, too.



Long live prosper and
 
But some of the characters don't speak the Queen's English, does everyone have to speak the same now? It can't be like Of Mice and Men with the "gawd darn it gosh willy williekrs" and all those other kinda fake words?
 
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But some of the characters don't speak the Queen's English, does everyone have to speak the same now? It can't be like Of Mice and Men with the "gawd darn it gosh willy williekrs" and all those other kinda fake words?
Its how they are teaching English semantics to robots who answer phones. It's scary.
 
I know my last story needed alot of work but i work really hard on this one, it really gets me down to get it rejected for confusing reasons.
 
I know my last story needed alot of work but i work really hard on this one, it really gets me down to get it rejected for confusing reasons.

What were those confusing reasons? Hmmm?

You've gone and done it again. How 'bout go visit that humble pie one more time, 'cause you're burning up your resources here.

You seem to have a few punctuation misunderstandings (don't we all!) And I am the last person on the planet to guide anyone in the proper use of, or reasons behind the use of, appropriate grammar. But, I'll give it a little try here. Just this one time (yeah, yeah, it's a fragment, spank me in a PM!) I will give you an example of two brothers, one drunk, one not, having a little brotherly talk out of my own story in order to attempt to show you how a character can say improper English in dialog -- and still write it so a reader can attempt to understand what you're saying without stumbling:


“I just wanted her to be with me. What’s so fuckin’ wrong with that? Am I such a bad guy?”

James looked at Kevin’s hurt little-boy expression and couldn’t help but laugh, it was so comical. Kevin didn’t appreciate his humor and his look changed to one of anger.

“‘Be with you’? Like shack up?” James asked, his voice raising an octave and shaking his head, “Deonne ain’t wired that way, shithead. She may be givin’ ya some free milk, but she’s a cow you have to buy.”

“You callin’ my girl a cow?” Kevin started to stand, fury distorting his face.

“No, Kev, you asshole. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, ‘Why buy the cow if the milk’s free?’ Deonne’s a ‘good girl’. She’s what you bring home to momma.”

“Damn straight, she is!”

“And she ain’t ‘your girl’ anymore. You dumped her,” he reminded him and looked at Kevin with disgust. “You’re so fucked up, man.”

He sipped his warm beer and gazed at his brother. The hair was neat and in regulation, the face shaven, but his usually intelligent eyes that missed nothing were bloodshot and unfocused. His gray ARMY t-shirt and jeans looked clean but had obviously been pulled out of a basket.

“You ever tell her how you feel?”

“Of course! I told her I wanted her to come be with me,” he said, and stabbed his finger at James to make his point, “that we’re an ‘us’. Why she think I chase her all over the place? If I… if I just wanted some pussy, I can stay home, make a phone call.

“Shee-it! I could have all the PUSSY I wanted! I don’t need to go to Goddamned SAN DIEGO, or go to the fuckin’ middle-of-nowhere OHIO to take on her brothers. Them motherfucker’s could be the offensive line of the Cinnca-rati… Cinnci… a fuckin’ football team! Big ass mothers.”


I was only going to put two lines of this, but decided the whole little scene shows over and over how you have your characters talk slang, yet attempt to keep the grammar as straight as your excellent editor can make it -- why? so the reader can enjoy it too!

See?
 
But some of the characters don't speak the Queen's English, does everyone have to speak the same now? It can't be like Of Mice and Men with the "gawd darn it gosh willy williekrs" and all those other kinda fake words?

Dude, you're a good writer with potential. Nobody else seems to be taking me up on offers of help. The errors here are easily correctable. I'm willing to help you work through these.

As for dialogue, my take is, anything in quotes is "speaking" and I challenge little there, as you say, who speaks perfect language?

I didn't attend any college where I was programmed like some friggin robot in English, but I know wjhat looks and sounds good.

PM if you want. But be encouraged..
 
You really are The Man, AS!! All Right! :heart:

Teaching can be a drug. I do teach for a living, and thank the good Lord that I'm still needed so I have a job to go to.

But my j-o-b also gives me time to spend here, where I've been sporadic in my attendance.

Hey, I LOVE to inspire! I suck at writing but I do it anyway, and I'll help anyone who wants to as best I can. Writing is releasing your SOUL!

Okay, enough said.
 
Why rejected?

I don't know why Literotica rejected you, but I reject it because you even though it's spelled ok, its full of incomplete sentences, poor capitalization "i" instead of "I", awful punctuation, and confusing quotations. I suggest you read a trashy novel and copy what they do.
 
How is this for random, my 2nd story has not been approved but my 3rd story has.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=403730

And it's written the same way as my 2nd story as well, now it's out of whack because i was going for a whole Marvel Picture's style Avenger's style thing were all the story's intertwine. Im not as crappy as i thought i was. Thanks for the feedback on the 2nd story, i pray it gets in.
 
But some of the characters don't speak the Queen's English, does everyone have to speak the same now? It can't be like Of Mice and Men with the "gawd darn it gosh willy williekrs" and all those other kinda fake words?
Sorry but that is unreadable and beyond being edited. you would need a paid ghost writer to re write this from the basic plot to make it readable. and the plot is so mundane anyway paint drying would be more interesting.

there is a world of difference between having a character who does not speak perfect English and having a story written with such dire sentence structure throughout.
the character can be illiterate you cannot!
You need to go and do a lot more reading until you understand how the english language works.

it is no surprise that similar work was accepted. it is no indication that your other piece is any good.
Far from it. I have read many pieces in the new stories list that are just as bad.
 
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