Bush and The Bible

[impressive]

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

 

[Pure]

Nice, Imp.

Christians have a real problem with the OT, under the "Bible (as we see it) is the exact Word of God" approach.

Jews generally have a bit less of a problem, ironically! None, now, invoke all the death penalties prescribed (unlike some Christians!).

Some early Christian sects proposed tossing out the OT, to solve the problem, but that has disadvantages, too.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Dear Believer,

I'm glad you got in touch with me with your questions. I like it when folks ask me to tell them what to do. Makes me feel important. Being President is hard work, but Dick is going to the next debate so I had some time on my hands this mornin' to answer your questions.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

What do you want a Canadian for? Aren’t they French? Everyone knows the French don’t make good slaves, always sitting around in cafés smoking cigarettes.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I wouldn’t let my girls go for anything less than an oil field apiece, but you might settle for some Halliburton stock.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Heh, heh, you just gotta look for the signs. Laura gets all crazy on her period and starts telling me what she thinks.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Smiting is hard work, hard work. Invite them over for the bbq instead.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

That’s a job for the FBI. You don’t even have to report them – that’s why we have the Patriot Act.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

I understand your confusion. Those liberal fishermen up in Massachusetts are giving you mixed messages. But you gotta stay the course.

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may ! not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

You could just close your eyes and move forward – that’s how I make my foreign policy.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

They’ll be the first ones drafted after I’m relected.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Well, now, that's a tough one. You might try cheerleading instead. That's what I did.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I understand what you’re saying here – stoning people is hard work. But we all have to do our duty.

If you want to donate to my relection, just get in touch with Karl. Thank you for your support.

George

 

[Svenskaflicka]

LadyJeanne, I think I LOVE you! I haven't laughed this much in months!

 

[LadyJeanne]

LadyJeanne, I think I LOVE you! I haven't laughed this much in months!

My pleasure! Impressive inspired me.

 

[rgraham666]

I can't speak for Bush, only myself.

But making a slave out of this Canadian would be a very expensive proposition, in lives, ammo and time.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I can't speak for Bush, only myself.

But making a slave out of this Canadian would be a very expensive proposition, in lives, ammo and time.

I'm waiting for someone to try it with charley myself

 

[impressive]

My pleasure! Impressive inspired me.

The results were impressive

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

*thinks about commenting*

Those are all... complicated.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Fuck! JW didn't comment them! NOW I'm impressed!

 

[matriarch]

Fuck! JW didn't comment them! NOW I'm impressed!

Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't antagonise him. Peace, blessed peace.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Peace & Love, baberonies!

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Originally posted by Svenskaflicka
Fuck! JW didn't comment them! NOW I'm impressed!

Well... that's... I don't rightly know how to take that one.

 

[GodBlessTexas]

Free lesson

Christians have a real problem with the OT, under the "Bible (as we see it) is the exact Word of God" approach.

Jews generally have a bit less of a problem, ironically! None, now, invoke all the death penalties prescribed (unlike some Christians!).

Some early Christian sects proposed tossing out the OT, to solve the problem, but that has disadvantages, too.

Only Christians who don't understand the NT have a real problem with the OT. Read the book of Hebrews, chapters 8 and 9 in particular, if you want an insight on the "status," for lack of a better term, of the OT in the age of Christianity.

Going to church every week has its perks...

GBT

 

[carsonshepherd]

Oh My God

That was fucking wonderful. The quality of minds here blows me away.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Thanks Imp and Jeanne.

Funny stuff, for sure.



I wonder if I could get those printed in the local paper. Probably not, seeing as how I live about 9 miles from his Crawford ranch.

~lucky

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Re: Free lesson

Originally posted by GodBlessTexas
Only Christians who don't understand the NT have a real problem with the OT. Read the book of Hebrews, chapters 8 and 9 in particular, if you want an insight on the "status," for lack of a better term, of the OT in the age of Christianity.

Going to church every week has its perks...

GBT

*ducks and covers*

 

[Guest]

I saw this somewhere a few months ago -

and immediately emailed a copy to my pastor.

He laughed (he's a good guy) and agreed that Leviticus was an interesting chapter. (He also directed me elsewhere for better reading.)

That Bible is quite the violent and sinful book with lots of rape and murder and incest and fornication and subjugation of entire races.

Somebody oughtta make a movie out of it!

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Might as well

A while ago I debunked the biblical argument against homosexuality using the passages that the Christians use to argue against it. The section on Leviticus deals with the same thing mocked in the list. The sheer number of crimes punishable by death in Leviticus.

It is interesting as well that not a single Christian I have personally known and conversed with who has a decent command over the Bible has anything good to say about the Leviticus chapter. The most I've seen is a mild defense of it being neccesary for the time to prevent disease but has grown irrelevant over time.

Anyway, my debunking:

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=143759

 

[impressive]

Re: Might as well

Anyway, my debunking:

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=143759

Enjoyed it (and voted). Thanks for sharing!

 

[Pure]

Luc, it's not a bad little piece. I've seen it done before, as I'm sure you have. There's even a whole book on it (Bible and Homosexuality). As one commenter said, you did leave out the woman-woman issue; there's no OT passage explicity forbidding it, though the Jewish rabbis did develop that position.

The other reservation is that of course, Leviticus and Deuteronomy have some unduly harsh or misconceived rules and penalties. Yet there is some good stuff, that's NOT dated.

As a mentioned, Jews, even orthodox have done a better job and separating the relevant and the irrelevant than most Christians.
As you say--your central argument in fact-- Christians are merely 'cherry picking' in the OT. (choosing the odd passage that suits a preconceived agenda).

Note to GBT: Going to church each week, is unfortunately no guarantee of even a basic understanding of what's in the Bible.
The liberals ignore the Bible, and the conservatives 'cherry pick'.
I'm glad you have the whole OT problem figured out.

 

[Guest]

. . .
The liberals ignore the Bible, and the conservatives 'cherry pick'.
I'm glad you have the whole OT problem figured out.

The liberals do not ignore the Bible (how can you make such an all-encompassing claim?)

I (as a liberal) choose to ignore self-righteous, sanctimonious, misogynistic and idiotic interpretations of the Bible.

BIG difference. HUGE.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Fewpeople would argue for enforcement oflevitical law. By and large secular institutions have codified laws that contradict or supplant it. Southerners used the bible to defend slavery. After a long struggle and major shakeup in society, laws were written to superseed anything in the bible that dealt with slavery. Men used the bible to promote misogyny, until secular law and society moved past it. The same thing will happen eventually with the prohibitions against homosexuality.

Levitical law has for a long long time been a kind of "choose your own adventure" book. Demagoges, politicians and just regular people have picked the ones that support thier particular beliefs and ignored those they didn't like. Over time, the vast majority of the precepts have been rendered moot by secular law addressing the issue they pertain to.

Most people who advocate the whole bible have never read deuteronomy & leviticus. It's great fun to show them they are defying gods word when they go to the crawfish cook out or play a pick up game of football, or have porkchops for dinner. The absurditites one would have to subject themselves to, to live by levitical law in general will shut them up most ricky tick. You may not change their mind, but you can avoid a long lecture most times if you can just quote a few lines from leviticus

-Colly.

 

[Guest]

Colly -

Well said, gorgeous.

 

[GodBlessTexas]

Note to GBT: Going to church each week, is unfortunately no guarantee of even a basic understanding of what's in the Bible.
The liberals ignore the Bible, and the conservatives 'cherry pick'.
I'm glad you have the whole OT problem figured out.

Thank you, Pure. As you and others have pointed out, the answers lie in the interpretation.

I read LC's "debunking." It's interesting reading. Unfortunately, it contains the same scriptural misunderstandings as every other similar list I have read.

Since I'm sure few (if any) of you took me up on my suggestion of reading Hebrews, and since quoting scripture is obviously the thing to do here, let me just point out some highlights.

Hebrews 9:1 ff - "Now the first covenant had regulations for worship and also an earthly sanctuary." If you read the rest of Hebrews, you'll know that "the first covenant" was the covenant made with Abraham, aka Leviticus through Deuteronomy.

Hebrews 8:7 - "For if there had been nothing wrong with that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another."

Hebrews 10:1-4 - "The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming - not the realities themselves. For this reason, it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins."

Hebrews 9:15 - "For this reason, Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance - now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant."

Sooooo...to connect the dots here, the Old Covenant (Old Testament) has been made "obsolete" by God, according to Hebrews 8:13. The regulations and guidelines for living are to be found in the New Testament, aka the teachings of Christ and his followers.

Does that mean that the Old Testament is useless? Not at all...refer to II Timothy 3:16 - "All Scripture if God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness."

So going back to the original argument, the OT passages on homosexuality are not laws binding on Christians today. Neither are the laws to do with sacrifices and everything else contained therein. However, knowing that God considered homosexuality to be a sin punishable by death is more than enough to frighten me into staying away from it (if I were ever tempted to go there in the first place).

As a Christian, I should take my guidance from the NT. I Corinthians 6 speaks to this issue. Verse 9-10: "Do you no know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

And to stem the usual comeback, no, that does not mean that anyone that has ever done those things is just out of luck. If you really want to argue about that, you let me know.

As far as I'm concerned, if people want to engage in homosexuality, that's their problem. I'm not God, and I don't know how God is going to judge that. But I know from my understanding of the Bible that it speaks against it enough that I'm not going to try it. I'm not going to do it and I'm going to encourage others not to do it. If they want to do it anyway, I'll let God take it up with them. I'd love for him to say, "Hey, no problem, come on up anyway." But I seriously doubt that's how it will be.

As always, I welcome the feedback. I also look forward to, in this case, what will surely be lashback.

Sorry it took me until now to post again on here...I was at church this morning

GBT