Bun in the Oven

[Jade]

Hello


It's been a long long long time.

I doubt anyone here remembers me but that's alright.


I was seeking advice, opinions, that sort of thing.


I just found out Friday that I am pregnant.

The baby was conceived on Christmas Eve, despite taking precautions.


I do love the father, very deeply.

However, he already has two children of his own and is satisfied with that. In addition to that, he doesn't want to put them through the stress of dealing with anymore adaptations in life. (As he is already divorced from their mother. )


I on the other hand am unattatched and I am childless. I once had a son but he is no longer with me (due to a rare heart condition.)
For so many reasons this is going to prove to me a challenge no matter what happens but for the life of me I can't imagine going through life terminating this.

I keep feeling like this baby really wants to be here.
I keep wanting to talk to him/her.

I love my baby.

But.... I know he doesn't want to have him/her. But I know he doesn't want me to get hurt.
He doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with me yet he says he will stick this through with me if we decide to not terminate.

But then I would feel bad.

I could never do the adoption thing. I'm really sorry. I just can't. I know of a member here who once did and her post made me cry just reading it.
If she is out there my heart goes out to her and I can't do it.

I often feel like the best surprises in life are ones we don't expect.

This father is a good man and he deserves happiness too... I feel selfish though and I don't want to tie him down.

I told him I could have the baby like I want to and that he could just be "in" our child's life without actually have to tell anyone that it's his and that I could deal with that. That way it takes away many stress factors... like the termoil on his already born children and all of that sort of thing.

But he says that that would tear him apart, to not play an active role in his child's life.


If anyone has anything to say... anything at all or if you have gone through something similar.

It would mean so much to me. Please say it.

I apologize for doing this at all, it's just that in the last few years this was one place on the internet where I felt a sense of community... even if that sounds silly and besides that, none of you have actually met me in person and him and I have an agreement that we won't tell people about this.

But this is tearing me apart inside and I really need to hear how someone else might see this.

Thanks so much


Yours Truly

 

[KillerMuffin]

Hi Jade, long time no see.

Damn, that's a tough spot.

The thing is that the baby is a reality no matter what he wants. See, the whole purpose of sex is to make more human beings and that's what happened. No precautions are 100% effective. If he were really that adamant about not having children there are things called vasectomies.

This child is real and it's there. Ultimately you have to decide if you're going to have it, abort it, or have it adopted. He has no real say in the matter. If you keep your child, then he is, at the least, financially responsible for it.

This is where I think you're going to need some tough love because right now he's asking you to choose between him or your baby. Is that really love? I don't think so. If the man really loved you and cared about you he would stand by you and help you through this rather than arbitrarily say he doesn't want the baby.

It's hard right now, it'll get harder no doubt, but in the end you have to do what's right for you. I think you already know what that is. The thing you have to do now is figure out how to talk to him about it, because the unfortunate truth is that he's a part of it as well. He didn't want to make the baby, but then again neither did you. But the baby is there and it must be dealt with. Childish things like selfishness have no place in adulthood when you're dealing with a baby. You already know that, I'm wondering if he does.

My heart goes out to you, darlin.

 

[Angel]

Hi Jade

Of course you're remembered. Check your PMs in a bit.

 

[Cheyenne]

I keep feeling like this baby really wants to be here.
I keep wanting to talk to him/her.

I love my baby.

Hi, Jade! Of course we remember you!

I think you have already decided the answer for you and now you just need others to tell you that it is the correct one. We can't do that, of course. It has to be your decision alone.

But, I would add this to the discussion. You've been a mom once before, so you have the advantage of knowing to some extent what is ahead of you. If you want this baby in your life, I say go for it! And congratulations!

 

[Guest]

 

[Debbie]

Jade you sound like a caring person who is trying to make sure everyone involved is ok. You're in a tough spot.
Ultimately the choice is yours.

You already love this baby and you are attached.
His kids will cope. Especially if their father is honest.

Quote,"This father is a good man and he deserves happiness too... I feel selfish though and I don't want to tie him down."

You deserve happiness too. If this is important to you, talk to him. Really think things through. (I think you already have)

I got pregnant to my b/f at 18 and didn't want to tie him down. I told him, if you decide to leave us I will understand. I will raise this baby on my own. Then it became his choice. I didn't tie him down. He stayed.

The situation is hard. Good luck to you. May you be happy and well whatever you decide.

 

[lickerish]

Jade, you have mail.



And I hope you stick around!

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Jade babe, find me...

If you have AIM still, do that... you also have a PM

 

[April]

I don't know what to tell you. It's far beyond my experience. But you know you can talk to me if you want to.

 

[Jade]

You are all such incredible people.

thanks to all who responded here and to the four people that emailed me.

All of your insights are really helping.

I think him and I are up for another discussion again tonight.


These are trying times but the thing is... is there ever truly a "right" time to have a baby? I realize yes that these are stressful circumstances in comparison with some others but part of acheiving in life is overcoming the odds against us right?


I will keep you all posted.

Oh and btw what the heck is a "PM?"


Best wishes to everyone

Love

Jade

 

[Merelan]

Jade, it has been so long. Nice to "see" you again.
PM is private message, a service added after you left. Ceck the bottom of the screen of the manin board and you will see you can get pm's there. Without anyone having your email address.
hope that helped.

As for the baby. Like Cheyenne said, it sounds like you decided. You want this baby. It wants you. You feel that right?
Shrugging shoulders. I guess that says it all.
Whatever you decide, know that we are behind you. Ready to hold your hand, share your moods. Whatever you need.

 

[teresafannin]

HI Jade, I remember you very well. I think you should listen to your heart on this one. I was single when I had my son, his birth father was never really a part of his life. It was very difficult, but I never regretted keeping him. Talk to the father, let him know how you feel & let him make his own decisions. I think you should also speak to your family. My sister & mom were a huge help the first 2 years & my whole family was supportive in other ways. It is a big step, but I think you can handle it. I will be gone this afternoon at work, but if you need to talk, you can email me. I hope you still have my address. Take care, Teresa

 

[Xander]

Of course I remember you Jade!!!

You know where to find me!!

All the very best of luck to you. And you know I mean it

 

[Jade]

I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who responded.

I know it seemed obvious that we would not terminate but all the fighting and arguing in the world has not been enough.

He is still convinced that termination is the best thing.

It was an extremely emotional night.

The appointment is scheduled for Thursday morning.

I'm so incredibly distraught over this. I find myself wanting to die.
I find myself hoping they will accidently kill me although I know that can't happen b/c it's a routine procedure.

I'm sorry to be so depressing.
I just want to run off into the mountains so they can't touch me and then he/she will live, the way I want him/her to.

Thanks for listening... btw I am still trying to figure out this damned pm thing.

Desperately sad and heartbroken

~Jade~

 

[KillerMuffin]

Jade, what do you want? If he weren't a part of this, what would you do?

 

[Wiggles]

Just from your post it seems that you love this baby very much. Are you sure you really want to do this?

This is a really big deal, I hope you're not letting him pressure you into something you don't feel is right.

 

[Jade]

KM: Thank you so much for responding... someone is out there... thank god...

If he had no say I would KEEP my baby there is NO doubt in my mind.
And I realize how stupid this all sounds.

Wiggles: I DO feel pressured but at the same time I don't want to make the father out to sound like a bastard. He IS a wonderful father to the two children he now has but he doesn't want this child here unless he feels like he can be the equivalent of what he was to the two that are here. And he doesn't feel like he has the time for that.

Obviously I don't feel like that is fair.
And I really would rather HAVE the baby and not have any child support payments or anything rather than kill him/her just b/c of convenience which is what it feels like.

We had one final argument this morning and even though I know he's sad he just kept saying how "this makes the most sense...." (referring to aborting.)

I am so torn... I keep having these horrible nightmares about them killing my baby and taking him/her away from me and that they will have complications b/c he/she doesn't want to die.

The procedure is supposed to take 3-5 HOURS.

I won't lie... I'm terrified.

 

[Gilly Bean]

From the sounds of it, it's not something you want to do. And if he cared at all for you, he wouldn't make you do something you don't want.

If you want this child, and are ready to take the responsibility of a child on again, then say "To hell with what he wants". It's part of you, and part of him. If he doesn't want it, or to be in it's life, that's his choice, but it's also your choice to want it, or be in it's life. If you want it, do it.

If you felt 100% certain you didn't want the baby, I would say don't have it, but you sound so heart broken, and upset now, that I know you want this child.

Do what your heart says, not your head. Or his mouth.

 

[Nobody Special]

Jade!!!!!! you"re Back!!!!!! (jumping up and down in a Joyful Glee)

BTW we Need to talk..... I'll be on Messenger if you want to talk.. I think we need to.... It has been such a long time....but if you don't have my messneger name it is emelson@hotmail.com
WE NEED TO TALK... please Jade.... Lets talk....

E

 

[Jade]

Gilly B.

thanks for your response... congrats on your new family member by the way... that's the most wonderful incredible thing in the world to happen to anyone.


a lot of my angst about this stems from losing my son.
I think about him so much and I can't help but feel like this is another chance for me. I feel that this baby is healthy.
It just feels different altogether, I can't explain it. I even made an appointment at my ob/gyn for a CVS (similar to amniocentesis for those curious) and I was going to pay for everything...

I'm not concerned with costs or time or anything. This baby makes me feel so self"less" and yet b/c of all that is now happning so self"ish" now.

I wish I could make the father somehow understand.

I don't want to be forcing him into a rock and a hard place.


I did call the clinic this morning b/c he had called and made my appoinment already (as I refused to do it myself or to pay) and I started crying to the receptionist telling her I was very unhappy about it all.

She was really soothing and called me honey (and no I wasn't offended... it did help... I think she's used to this) and saying that they will talk to me when I get there and that they do an ultrasound.

This could be both good and bad.

IF they do an ultrasound... I might lose it altogether (my sanity that is)

but if they ask me if this is what I want (to end the pregnancy)
I won't lie.

He may get pissed... I am so afraid that he will get upset... and I do need his support b/c there is no one else to talk to... but I'm still not going to lie.
I was raised to be honest.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Jade, email me.

 

[Cheyenne]

Jade, they WILL ask you if you are there of your own free will and if this is what you want. From what you are posting, I can't imagine that the doc would go through with the procedure.
Don't you talk to them first and then have time to think about it before they do the abortion on another day?.

 

[sigh]

jade, i don't know you but i'm a single mom who once faced this decision...though the child's father wasn't exactly part of the picture in my case

i can't pretend to tell you what to do, but if you want this child, then have the child

i have never once regretted my decision...from what i've read from you, i think you'll regret yours if you terminate

 

[Guest]

 

[Mensa]

A voice from the great beyond

Jade! Where you been hidin' girl? Nice to see you wander in.

Can't give you any advice beyond "follow your heart"

Don't be such a stranger, love.