Bullies

doormouse

Seductively Sweet
Joined
Apr 11, 2004
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Has anyone had to deal with bullies?

Today, I find out that my five year old has been bullied by an eight year old. This hasn't been going on for a few weeks, but since the start of the year.

Great school to have informed me! :mad:

This little bastard has been suspended twice for kicking her. She's mentioned his name at home, but I had no idea just how serious the situation was.

His parents have been informed, yet I am the last to find out. Anyone have any suggestions, apart from taking my daughter out of the school? He apparently kicks her, pushes her over, hits her, pulls her hair, pulls her bag.

She's in Kindergarten, he's in year 3. I'm a pissed off mum!!

The teachers are keeping an eye on him, but why I wasn't informed, I don't know! :rolleyes:
 
Bribe a 6th grader with some home made brownies and cookies. :devil:



On a more serious note, I would definitely talk to the school if you haven't already. And when I say 'talk' I mean yell at them. They should have let you know each and every time anything happened. I would hope they understand that now, and keep you informed of the situation.

Hopefully the bully is young enough still to learn a different behavior.

If possible, you might have a chat with his parents too, assuming the school will give you the contact info. May not help, but can't hurt.
 
Thanks.

The teacher I spoke with tonight suggested I meet the boy and threaten him with police action. Hoping this would scare him enough to stop the attack.

I'm definitely going to the principal in the morning. I should have been told from the start!
 
Bullies are one of my pet peeves, I hated them at school. Not that they bullied me you understand, but that they were allowed to bully anyone at all. I always got out of scraps with humour, and even rescued a few friends using the same method.

As for your problem DM, that age group don't know any better. I realize that that is no comfort to you, but the teachers should sort this one out. Especially as it only happens at school. I do think however that you should let them know you're not happy and will do something about it yourself if they do nothing. Maybe an idle threat but at least it'll show them you are concerned about your childs welfare.

Carl
 
I find it amazing that the teacher suggested you meet the boy and threaten him. It has happened on school property and that is their responsibility. You should of been notified of this from the beginning. Sounds to me like they're dumping. I hope she's okay.
 
Lord DragonsWing said:
I find it amazing that the teacher suggested you meet the boy and threaten him. It has happened on school property and that is their responsibility. You should of been notified of this from the beginning. Sounds to me like they're dumping. I hope she's okay.

She suggested the police idea to scare him, now, while he's young enough to learn right from wrong.

Sure, it's their issue, but she's MY daughter, and I should have been the first informed!

(and thanks for your comment Carl.)

:rose:
 
I'm with you LDW.
The school are 100% responsible for this. The police should never be involved in a case like this. The parents of the boy should be the ones being told that if it continues, the boy will be excluded from school.

Over here in UK, it is the norm to exclude (we don't use words like suspend or expel any more), a child from school for a set number of days for transgressions such as violent action against another pupil. That transgression and any others will go on the child's record and stay there. Do it enough times, make the parents have to put up with the child at home, maybe make arrangements for carers if they are at work, and you'll be surprised how quickly those parents will start to take notice of their child's anti-social behaviour.

The school should have an anti-bullying policy. DEMAND to see it.
DEMAND to know what they are doing to keep the boy away from your daughter.

DEMAND to know why they did not inform you what was going on.

I don't know if your system over there is the same as ours, but parents that feel they are not getting the outcome they seek, have recourse to contact the Local Education Authority. Specifically the Officer responsible for complaints.

I work in our local education department, and I hear tales of bullying every day. Its probably the one thing that riles me the most.

Don't let it rest, hon.

Mat :rose:
 
who you should really meet with is the boys parents, meeting with the child would not be a good idea as you're an adult. Meet with the boy and his parents together obviously discipline is a problem if he's been suspended twice for bullying a girl three years younger than he is. His parents should have contacted you in the first place to have their son apologize
 
doormouse said:
The teacher I spoke with tonight suggested I meet the boy and threaten him with police action. Hoping this would scare him enough to stop the attack.

Don't bother talking to the boy and threatening him with police action. Just call the police and file a complaint.

This has been going on the whole year, and the school has tried to keep it quiet -- don't let them get away with that; get the police involved before your daughter gets hurt. Even if they can't gain enough evidence to prosecute him in juvenile court, the investigation should tip him off that what he's doing is seriously wrong.
 
RenzaJones said:
who you should really meet with is the boys parents, meeting with the child would not be a good idea as you're an adult. Meet with the boy and his parents together obviously discipline is a problem if he's been suspended twice for bullying a girl three years younger than he is. His parents should have contacted you in the first place to have their son apologize

The teacher I spoke with basically brushed it off as a joke. My daughter said she knew where this kid lives, and the teacher said to throw stones at his windows!!

They haven't heard the last of me, that's for sure.

The boy isn't allowed to go on the school excursion because of his bullying my daughter. What disgusts me, is that it's obviously been a concern of the schools, and yet they failed to inform me.

It was only coincidence that I was running late picking my daughters up tonight, and the teacher called me over. Otherwise, I'd still be in the dark.

Thank you, Mat. I'll be in the principal's office first thing in the morning, and I won't leave until I have answers!!
 
doormouse said:
She suggested the police idea to scare him, now, while he's young enough to learn right from wrong.

Sure, it's their issue, but she's MY daughter, and I should have been the first informed!

(and thanks for your comment Carl.)

:rose:

I agree with the police idea to scare him. But you shouldn't be the one to do that. It is THEIR responsibility. You shouldn't have to be the one to call the police, they should. They must have a policy as Mat says. They should let you know what it is. And yes, they should of informed you first!!!!!!!!!!!! They've swept it under the rug and now they're dumping it on you.
 
doormouse said:
Thanks.

The teacher I spoke with tonight suggested I meet the boy and threaten him with police action. Hoping this would scare him enough to stop the attack.

I'm definitely going to the principal in the morning. I should have been told from the start!

Ask the teacher and principal for advice, make a list and bring it with you tomorrow.
Should you?
A. Call the police to the school immediately?
B. Call a lawyer first to sue the bullies parents?
C. Call a lawyer first to sue the school, principal and teacher for allowing your child to be physically assaulted, without informing you, at the school where they provide (No?) security.

I think if you are calm and ask these questions with a straight face they may realize they done fusterclucked this and better move fast to save their butts, since they obviously care little about your child.

Seriously, I hope you get it straightened out quickly, before she is hurt worse.
 
doormouse said:
The teacher I spoke with basically brushed it off as a joke. My daughter said she knew where this kid lives, and the teacher said to throw stones at his windows!!

They haven't heard the last of me, that's for sure.

The boy isn't allowed to go on the school excursion because of his bullying my daughter. What disgusts me, is that it's obviously been a concern of the schools, and yet they failed to inform me.

It was only coincidence that I was running late picking my daughters up tonight, and the teacher called me over. Otherwise, I'd still be in the dark.

Thank you, Mat. I'll be in the principal's office first thing in the morning, and I won't leave until I have answers!!

Good girl !!
Let them know you mean business.

Let me know what happens, ok??

Mat :kiss:
 
Lisa Denton said:
...................fusterclucked ...................



Ooooh, Lisa, can I borrow that, can I? What a wonderful word.

Sorry Dor, didn't mean to hijack or belittle your thread, that word just bowled me over. :kiss:

Thread returned.

Shamefaced Mat, now leaving for work.
In the Education Department.

:rolleyes:
 
I'm not doing a "sympathy for the devil" thing here, but it's worth remembering that bullies often (thought not always) act out at school becaue of problems at home. Be prepared not to get the response from his parents that you might want. Worse, parents get defensive when they feel their child is under attack. I'm sure you're feeling it now. Insist that he be removed from school, and they may emotionally interpret it as an attack on their beloved child. It's entirely possible that the bully's parents will defend their child, try to minimize his offense or insist you're over-reacting. By all means talk to them, I'm just offering a warning.

I think folks here are right that it's a problem at the school, and therefore a problem for the school. If they really believe that scaring him with a cop is the answer, they should have arranged for the visit themselves. In addition to the demands listed above, I'd ask for a documented list of the actions taken after each incidence of bullying. Sometimes these things have to be written down if you're eventually going to push for the bully to be removed. You're in better shape with a written record, and schools classically don't like generating such a record if they can get away with a "kids just being kids" attitude towards it.

I was bullied as a kid, and my parents never knew. Looking back, I was ashamed to tell them. My solution was to become tougher than the kids that were picking on me. Spent a year winning fights that the school tried to ignore, and after that wasn't pushed around any more. But it did leave me with a tendency to overreact to criticism or aggression that took ages to weed out. I hope your daughter learns better lessons from all this; knowing that her mother loves her and that she doesn't deserve all this sound like a great start.

Good luck with it...I can't imagine anything harder than being a parent sending a child out into the world.

G
 
GingerV said:
I'm not doing a "sympathy for the devil" thing here, but it's worth remembering that bullies often (thought not always) act out at school becaue of problems at home. Be prepared not to get the response from his parents that you might want. Worse, parents get defensive when they feel their child is under attack. I'm sure you're feeling it now. Insist that he be removed from school, and they may emotionally interpret it as an attack on their beloved child. It's entirely possible that the bully's parents will defend their child, try to minimize his offense or insist you're over-reacting. By all means talk to them, I'm just offering a warning.

I think folks here are right that it's a problem at the school, and therefore a problem for the school. If they really believe that scaring him with a cop is the answer, they should have arranged for the visit themselves. In addition to the demands listed above, I'd ask for a documented list of the actions taken after each incidence of bullying. Sometimes these things have to be written down if you're eventually going to push for the bully to be removed. You're in better shape with a written record, and schools classically don't like generating such a record if they can get away with a "kids just being kids" attitude towards it.

I was bullied as a kid, and my parents never knew. Looking back, I was ashamed to tell them. My solution was to become tougher than the kids that were picking on me. Spent a year winning fights that the school tried to ignore, and after that wasn't pushed around any more. But it did leave me with a tendency to overreact to criticism or aggression that took ages to weed out. I hope your daughter learns better lessons from all this; knowing that her mother loves her and that she doesn't deserve all this sound like a great start.

Good luck with it...I can't imagine anything harder than being a parent sending a child out into the world.

G

Ginger, good point.

Dor....under no circumstances should you even approach the parents!!!! Never, never, never. It could lead to all sorts of complications, even you being accused of bullying them !!!

The school is the one that should be dealing with it. If you want to harangue and harrass anyone.......then let it be them.

They have shirked their responsibilities for far too long.

Mat.

Now I really am going.

Byeeeeeeee

:kiss: :heart: :heart:
 
I'd say that she should be pulled out of the school not because of the child bullying her but because the school has no concern that she's being bullied they haven't even bothered to inform you of the fact that she's be assaulted twice in a physical manner and there may have been verbal abuse that no one has even mentioned. The fact that she's so young should be cause for even more alarm you'd think cases would be more serious with the younger groups so that as they grew older problems wouldn't worsen. In anycase I hope you get your answers the very first being why the principal didn't personally contact you (forget the fact that the teacher didn't) Also were there other confrontations and if so how many altercations were your daughter and this boy involved in where he wasn't suspended? what is the progression of punishment and if it happens again what will happen? Did anyone speak to your daughter about coming to them if the boy does anything to her? (with the fact that it's been ignored she may not even bother, or he may have scared her out of telling unless he really hurts her.)



Edited to add that I still think you should meet with the boy and his parents at the school only because if an eight year old boy goes home and tells his parents that today at school the police were called on me (or however a child would word it) his parents are likely to be up in arms whereas if his parents are present and an officer is brought in to tlk to the child they won't be able to accuse you or the school of anything. I also say you should be there and not just let the school handle it because look what they've done so far.
 
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we had a long thread about this a while back, maybe it can be found...

no single answer, i am afraid
 
You gotta teach your daughter to hit through the face.

Carry through, that's the secret. Just like a good golf swing. Which brings up the second option... a 1 club.

You're not in the States so you shouldn't have to worry about the other kid carrying a gun.

Now that you hate me, is it too late to say, I'm kidding.

I think you're on the right path with the principal. Maybe, demand an apology from the other child, with his parents, in the principal's office.
 
When something similar happened with our daughter a few years back, and the school were being secretive and offhand with us, the victims parents... while appearing to sympathise with the bully and his parents... I walked into school... insisted that the receptionist take me to my daughters class, we walked into class during a history lesson, I told her to get her things... told her teacher in front of all the other kids that she wasn't coming back to school until the matter was settled to our satisfaction... and took her home... Funny how the school changed their attitude on the matter.

Now that school believe it or not, was trying out a new PC 'no blame' policy with bullying... whereby no one was blamed for the bullying regardless of the harm done to victims... something to do with not making the agressors feel bad about themselves... Thankfully they've dropped that idiocy now and gone back to punishing the little shit's.

Don't go anywhere near the other kid... don't go anywhere near the other parents... Just do some bullying of your own and give the school principal shite until he / she sorts it out to your satisfaction... If you think your daughter's at risk... take her out of the school until it's sorted.
 
pop_54 said:
When something similar happened with our daughter a few years back, and the school were being secretive and offhand with us, the victims parents... while appearing to sympathise with the bully and his parents... I walked into school... insisted that the receptionist take me to my daughters class, we walked into class during a history lesson, I told her to get her things... told her teacher in front of all the other kids that she wasn't coming back to school until the matter was settled to our satisfaction... and took her home... Funny how the school changed their attitude on the matter.

Now that school believe it or not, was trying out a new PC 'no blame' policy with bullying... whereby no one was blamed for the bullying regardless of the harm done to victims... something to do with not making the agressors feel bad about themselves... Thankfully they've dropped that idiocy now and gone back to punishing the little shit's.

Don't go anywhere near the other kid... don't go anywhere near the other parents... Just do some bullying of your own and give the school principal shite until he / she sorts it out to your satisfaction... If you think your daughter's at risk... take her out of the school until it's sorted.

Thanks hon, and thanks everybody.

I'm planning on marching into the principal's office tomorrow morning and demanding action be taken.

And yes, she'll be removed from school until this is settled. It's sad, and hard to do being her first year of school. I know how important this year is for them, but I can't stand back and let this happen.

I just want to go in prepared so I don't just blow my top and rant. Hence this thread. I need a list of things to demand.
 
doormouse said:
Thanks hon, and thanks everybody.

I'm planning on marching into the principal's office tomorrow morning and demanding action be taken.

And yes, she'll be removed from school until this is settled. It's sad, and hard to do being her first year of school. I know how important this year is for them, but I can't stand back and let this happen.

I just want to go in prepared so I don't just blow my top and rant. Hence this thread. I need a list of things to demand.

If you calmly say you want to know how they are going to protect your child, so she can learn, that is a good start. As others said, DO NOT speak to the bully or his parents. If they suggest it say you would prefer that THEY have the police do anything they are unwilling or unable to do to protect your child, immediately.
 
doormouse said:
And yes, she'll be removed from school until this is settled. It's sad, and hard to do being her first year of school. I know how important this year is for them, but I can't stand back and let this happen.

I don't see why your daughter should be the one "punished" by being removed from school -- The bully is the one that should be removed, not your daughter.

It might be necessary, but if you do have pull her out of that school, go straight to the school district offices and get her transfered to another school because you'll never feel that she's safe in her current school if they or the police can't deal with a thrid grade bully.

I went through a similar situation with my younger daughter -- several years later in school, but the principle's the same -- and it took a criminal complaint to the city police because the school police wouldn't (or wern't allowed to) take action because they never caught the bully in the act.

If you are not absolutely satisfied that the situation is under control, ask to use the phone and dial 911 before you leave the principal's office. Let the School or the Police deal with the bully's parents as well as the bully.
 
I agree that confronting the bully's parents would probably be counterproductive. As GingerV wisely pointed out, many behavior problems start at home. (Not all, by any stretch, but a good portion.) However, it might be helpful to speak to any of your daughter's OTHER classmates' parents -- either to warn them, or to determine if their kids have complained of or witnessed bullying.

{Edited to correct typo}
 
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impressive said:
I agree that confronting the bully's parents would probably be counterproductive. As GingerV wisely pointed out, many behavior problems start at home. (Not all, by any stretch, but a good portion.) However, it might be helpful to speak to any of your daughter's OTHER classmates' parents -- either to warn them, or to determine if their kids has complained of or witnessed bullying.

Good point, thanks hon.

I think I'm prepared. Thanks to the advice on here, I feel I'm confident enough to face them.

I didn't want to go in there like a babbling fool and have them walk all over me.

What I didn't mention in my original post, because I was seeking legal advice, he broke her finger today. I'm going in for the kill here and don't want to sound like a foolish parent not knowing what to say.

Thanks to all who PM'd me. And especially my special friend who knows who she is. Your links helped heaps, thanks hon.

They'll remember my name for years to come after tomorrow.
 
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